my3sonsnme

Forced contact with STBXRAH due to issues with our son yesterday. So much for the NC. I wont even get into what was going on with my son...but in the middle of it my STBX felt the need to start harassing me about a detail regarding the divorce...I finally responded with I kind of had my hands full with what was going on with our son and that wasn't a priority right now...he unleashed on me about how he didn't want to be on my priority list and never has been and how I didn't care about anything "unless I was getting mine".

He then proceeded to make snide comments about how "I deserved every penny of the support he had to give me because I was such a loving and understanding wife.
WOW...I realized that he has never said anything about how he must have put the family threw hell all those years ...that he understands why I reacted to his drinking the way I did. Has never shown any remorse for the entire 17 yrs we lived with him while he drank in the garage and ignored his duties as a father and a husband.
I told him that if he was truly in recovery he would know how selfish and immature his comments were.
He then said the I must not be listening because its a selfish program and weither he did it their way or his way he has 3 yrs sober and it works for him.

It just feels to me like he is antagonizing me, that he just tries to drag me into these arguments that are pointless.

It doesn't sound to me like comments that are made from recovery..at least not from any one else I have spoken to who is in recovery. It feels abusive but Im not sure if Im over reacting because of my hurt feelings about the affair.
I try to keep those out of it ...I just want to focus on my son. which btw was his responsibility yesterday since he went to stay at HIS house. but he was at work and I just pick up the slack as I always have.
what I don't understand is if he is truly happy as he says he is and has moved on with this other woman...why does he feel the need to be so hateful and abusive to me. Why all the antagonizing and behavior that says Im pissed at you??? I really don't get it...
thoughts...comments...slaps to the back of the head...anything??

Tuffgirl

Yes^^^this^^^^.

And good for you for calling it for what it is.

Yes, he is deflecting. Yes, he is not taking responsibility for his own stuff. Yes, this is actually pretty normal. There are some amazing people in the rooms of AA really working a solid program. But there are others who just don't drink. They sit at meetings and stew in their self-righteous indignation. They don't get it. And they don't want to.

Getting it means doing something about it. That is what denial does for us. It allows us to not have to face things until we are psychologically ready. Some folks can't ever get to that place. It's often all about protecting their ego. If he had to admit to a few things, then it would snowball into admitting everything, and his fragile self-absorbed ego can't handle that right now. Maybe ever, who knows.

You know your truth. Don't ever forget that.

m1k3

Something I heard in a meeting that really stuck with me.

Hurting people say hurtful things.

The things he is saying aren't really about you. Tuffgirl had it right. His ego can't handle the truth now and he has to have someone else to blame.

You do know that when he's looking at you he's really looking in a mirror.

Your friend,

pravchaw

You don't have to attend every argument to which you are invited. Whether you get antagonized or not is really up to you. Since this was a forced contact - try to achieve your objective - avoid finger pointing and get out of there.

my3sonsnme

thanks guys...I really needed to hear this stuff, I could feel myself falling back into the blaming myself crap, Im having a hard time dealing with my son and its just easier to give in and go along with what my ex is telling me...Im a horrible person, I made him miserable...I screw everything up.
@m1k3..what do you mean by looking in a mirror? do you mean that I just remind him of all his mistakes? or that I just make him feel guilty? Im not sure how to read that..

I keep hoping that hes going to wake up and realize that he needs to man up and just do whats right and raise our son. That hes going to look at me one day and say "I am so sorry for what I have put you and the boys threw...what can I do to make this easier and help our son?".....its laughable that I still wish that..

Im going to go out on a limb and say that what was going on with our son yesterday probably caused him some guilt...and he was reacting to that by attacking me. Wow..Didn't look at it that way until just now...

We have an appt with my sons councellor tonight, I let STBX know that this morning in case he wanted to go...(he never has but after yesterday thought he might want to participate) Im betting that he doesn't show. But I will hope that he does and that he decided to participate in raising his son.
really, thanks again guys....I don't know what I would do without this board right now...

m1k3

What I meant was when he's looking at you, he's seeing himself. Doesn't have anything to do with you other than you are a familiar and convenient target.

DreamsofSerenity

"Im going to go out on a limb and say that what was going on with our son yesterday probably caused him some guilt...and he was reacting to that by attacking me. Wow..Didn't look at it that way until just now."

That's exactly what I think.

dandylion

Dear my3sonsnme, you are not overreacting. He is verbally abusive to you with his quacking.

Don't spend time trying to figure out his dynamics. It takes too much psychic energy and it will drive you crazy. It is enough to know that he is trying to put the spotlight on you to keep it off of himself.

Picture him with a large S on his forehead when he is talking. S for "sick". It is a trick that works to keep from personalizing the absurd things he says.

You may need to lower your bar of expectations for this guy. To keep having expectations that one would have of a mature healthy person is setting yourself up for disappointment time and time again.

You don't have to enter into any arguments that he starts. You don't have to explain, justify or defend your position. Just exit the conversation. Short and sweet. Just say "I am going to hang up the phone, now".

Hope some of this helps.

dandylion

Recovering2

It was on SR that I first read when an alcoholic asshat stops drinking...sometimes you now have a sober asshat. He has shown you who he is, even sober he is still an asshat. It has nothing to do with you. I agree to lower your expectations. Expectations are planned resentments. Every time he behaves in the same manner he always has, you get let down because you're still hoping for something better. Let it go, he's not going to change.

Cyranoak

1. He's not in Alanon. He hasn't learned **** about how to be a good person, only how to be a sober one.

2. All he is now is a dry drunk. Sober,maybe, but still an *******.

3. Some people, after finding sobriety, become nice people again. Others don't because regardless of their sobriety they are, at their very core, selfish assholes.

Remember always that alcoholics do things we don't understand, or that are cruel or thoughtless,they do it because they are alcoholics (or assholes, or both). There isn't any logic to it beyond that, and as painful as it can feel it's more about them that it is about you.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Justshy

I really appreciate the part you said about maybe he is feeling guilty and is taking it out on you. I never thought of that either. Everytime my husband has been mean/rude/hateful when talking to me in the past 3 months, I have spent hours thinking about it and trying to figure out "what" I did wrong this time to make him so mad. At the same time, he often says he is having a bad day or a rough time...maybe he is just treating me bad instead of dealing with it in a helpful way...because he is used to treating me that way already (while drunk).

my3sonsnme

The question I have is why is it so easy to treat ME that way?..If the reasoning is that hes an alcoholic and its what they do, then why is he not directing his crap at his girlfriend ?? It feels like hes just selfish and hateful to me...and hes capable of being this charming wonderful person to everyone else. People just love him..think hes the greatest. Would never believe the stuff he has pulled..not for a minute.

DreamsofSerenity

I have constantly wondered the same thing myself. My ex was SO sickeningly nice to everyone else except me. People thought he was just a quirky, sweet guy who maybe got a little too drunk from time to time.

I was the only person he unleashed his fury and hatred upon. He always told me he had never been closer to anyone in his life. Maybe it was ********, or maybe it was true and that's why he had to push me away. Sometimes I felt like he hated himself so much, that he in turn hated me for loving him.

I honestly can't answer your question but if you find out, can you let me know?

keepingmyjoy1

why is it so easy to treat ME that way?

Because you saw through him, you know what he is. Because you stopped making his life cushy, with a safe warm place to land when drinking/drunk. Because you stopped taking care of EVERYTHING, and stopped taking responsibility for his crap. Because you had the audacity to be your own person. Because it stopped being all about him and he can't stand it. He lost his whipping post. And he is pi**ed. In his mind, even if he won't admit it, it makes him look bad that he could not hold on to his wife.

He has to charm everyone else to get what he wants. He doesn't have to charm you anymore. Simple as that. Not your fault.

Katiekate

The why's sometimes don't matter. What is important is that he is treating you badly, people don't get to treat you badly.

dandylion

Dear my3sonsnme, It is a fundamental principle that those who we rescue or enable or allow to be dependent on us (WHEN WE SHOULDN'T) will eventually punish us for it. "The rescuer eventually becomes the victim". I first read about this in Melody Beattie's book---"Co-Dependent No More". I have come to recognize that this is true. There is huge irony here.

I think that dependent and needy people (when they shouldn't be) resent the power that we have and feel deep shame about their dependence.

dandylion

Rosiepetal

OMG this could be my AXH lol. Sounds exactly the same.
I think the reason they do this is because they can't stand that we can do without them & move on & live our lives.
All I can say is that it will eventually subside.
Do not enter into any arguments. Let him say whatever & then ignore it all.
It took me a long time to do & be able to do that but when I did it made the world of difference.
Focus on you & your child.
Hugs.