EndlessFear

I was recently released from jail. Being there made me really see my life for what it was. I started drinking when I was about 13 and started using drugs when I was 15. By time I was 17 I was addicted to oxy s. I was an addict right from the beginning. It was not until I went to jail, I realized I was also an alcoholic. So for half my life I have either been high or drunk. Once I woke up in jail, I had no choice but to sober up. I am grateful, I honestly think I would be dead right now. If I didn't end up in jail that day. Over those few months I realized what I was really doing to myself and my family. I wanted to get high and just make all the hurt and pain go away. I am so ashamed and embarrassed of the person I became. I just wanted to die at first. I still feel like I cant live with myself at times. I have tried many times to take my life and was always un successful. I probably prayed to god everyday to just take my life away. I realized how crazy that all was once I was in jail. I have been to rehab before. I did not complete it, I thought I was cured. As I did when I got out of jail. I thought I was cured once again. I am more lost then ever. I am stuck in a war, with myself. I feel like theres two parts to me. Theres the part who wants happiness of life and to be sober. Then there s my other half, in the back of my mind. Constantly fighting with me. Telling me its okay. Not only that I have all these emotions running through me. I feel like I am going crazy. High or not I am depressed. I am afraid of the person I am with or with out drugs. My mood changes 10 times a day. How could you hate something so much and still crave it as if you need it. I am lost in my mind. I don't even know who I am. But I know who I don't want to be. I am afraid to get lost in the darkness again. I know how easy it is to fall and not even realize it.

least

Yes, you CAN stop drinking and drugging. It takes a lot of effort but it is possible. Joining here is a good first step. There's a lot of support here. Use it to help yourself get sober for good. YOu can do this!

Nonsensical

You have actually described EXACTLY what happens in an addicted mind. The pleasure circuit in your mid-brain is fighting with the decision-making apparatus in your frontal cortex. I know that war within. It can be maddening.
I named myself 'nonsensical' here because the day I joined this website my thoughts, feelings and actions made no sense to me. I have since figured it out, with information I have read on this site, and it has been a great relief. The short story is that I am addicted to alcohol, and it has messed up my brain. The good news is that I can stay sober and my brain will return to normal functioning if I stop using alcohol. Read around on the forums, there is a lot of information here.

We understand the craving, and we understand that it is real suffering. You're in the right place. Welcome.

amsterdampoe

You cannot do this by yourself. In jail you were not making your own decisions or you would have stayed high. Go talk to other recovering addicts/alcoholics. Deal with the problems of why you started self destructing at such a young age trust me your not alone. 99% of the people here have similar stories. Good luck

ARarity

your out and free again
find and seek out good clean fun and hobbies to fill your time
that way you escape the trap of sitting in your room or house thinking theres nothing better to do
hit up a meeting enjoy meeting a new sort of honest and caring kind of people