my3sonsnme

I just kicked my 16 yr old son out of my house.............

The anger and defiance has gotten out of control. A single mother with no support from the father cannot raise a boy alone who is that angry. I have finally excepted that.

All the therapy and meetings with the counselors at school and having his older brother talk to and mentor him has done no good. Calling the police when he comes home high does not faze him. I am turning myself inside out to try and help him...he does not want to be helped. He doesn't care.

I am heartbroken, I love him more then life itself...I don't know what to do. I tell him over and over and over how much he means to me, I show him everyday that I will be there for him no matter what...and then he gets me in this corner and I have to tell him to leave...what kind of mother does that...I feel like ive given up on him.

His father (my STBXRAH) will agree with him about how crazy I am and how irrational it is for me to expect him to stick to a curfew..or get grades higher then D- (after all..he is passing his classes, what do I expect) His grades are now Fs. After a meeting that I called for at his school today with the Dean and counselor and teachers I thought we had a plan but as soon as he got home the defiance and disrespect started up immediantly.

This is the father who when he was caught with weed the first time, and he told his dad he had hid it from me in the garage, drove him back to my house and had him sneak in the back way to get it out of my garage and "dispose" of it for him before I found it. How am I suppose to co parent with a person who thinks that is ok??

Am I being difficult?? He continues to tell me Im difficult and expect to much from him...I feel like Im going crazy....

The effect of his fathers actions (alcoholism, having an affair, spending NO TIME with his son) is devastating and I just don't know how to fight it anymore. I am just beaten down...

Trinidad

My dear mother in crisis- YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AND YOU ARE NOT ASKING TOO MUCH. That is the bottom line. I have been through all you write about minus the father (mine only cheated, harassed the family but never sided with my son- but of course I don't think I shared). My advise to you, now that my son is 30 and we have been going through this since he was a sophomore in high school, get as much help now- get the school behind you, get rehab now, have these resources help with setting goals now, be as strong as you possibly can. There are fewer resources when your children leave the public school system- and oft time, the problem continues and escalates. Be an advocate for your son with the school system, advocate for them to help you. Ask for their help with resources. You may (no, you are) beaten down, but you are fighting for your sons life- a happy, healthy life. Please take care of yourself and never stop hoping for the future for your son. Today is today, there are many tomorrows.

DreamsofSerenity

My brother was like your son in high school and now he is 40 years old, still an addict, and living in my mother's basement--jobless. She never threw him out. She enabled, and enabled, and enabled. The two of them are in such an enmeshed and twisted relationship now, I feel like it's too late for my brother to ever get better.
(My mom was a single mother as well).

I think you did your son a favor by kicking him out. The sooner he comes up against the consequences of his behavior, the better. It is much easier to rebuild a life at 16 than 40.

Maybe you could break things down and deal with one issue at a time? If it were my kid, I'd set a boundary that he has to be sober to live with me. I think I'd let the grades things go for now because the most significant issue is the drugs and his resulting anger. If he can't comply, let him go live with your husband. Let your husband deal with the consequences of HIS parenting style.

I totally understand the enormous amount of pain you are in, and I don't want to sound harsh. You are doing your best and you need to be very kind to yourself right now.

Big hugs to you.
DoS

HopefulmomtoD

Are you legally allowed to kick out a 16 year old? I didn't think you were.

I am sorry you are struggling with your son. I know how painful it is- its a long painful road for some of our kids. He may have "lucked" out and got his father's addiction gene.

my3sonsnme

The first time I caught him high I got him in a 12 week chemical dependency program here at our medical facility. They drug tested every week and had 2 hr group sessions every week. Also a group for the parents which his father never showed up for one time.

He stayed sober the whole program and then got high the first week after he graduated. His father has yet to ever speak to him regarding any of this. We are together a lot and I have not seen him high since that week after the program. When he came home high I called the police and they came over and were pretty rough with him ...they did it as a favor to try to put some fear in him, he had never dealt with the police before. There hasn't been a problem with it since but I see it coming.....

We had a meeting today at his school and every teacher said the same thing..they think hes depressed, hes apathetic in class, doesn't care....Im so terrified of what is going to happen with him. I just don't know what else to do. But I have 3 sons...hes the youngest..ive riden this train before just not alone. I will not let a 16 yr old dictate how my home is ran. I will not be bullied by a freaken kid!!!!!

as you can see Im going back and forth between really pissed off to hysterical anxiety....kinda like when I was living with his dad....omg

my3sonsnme

Hopeful...he went straight to his dads, so Im not sure about legally but I basically just told him if he couldn't live by my rules he had a choice of going with his dad. His dad is about 4 blocks away.

This has been an ongoing problem. He went to his dads last month and lasted 3 days and wanted to come home. This time Im going to have to be firm...I cant get into this back and forth thing when he doesn't get his way.

Its a mess....I don't know how to make this better. We have an apt with his therapist tomorrow night, not sure if he will show up but I will send a message to his dad and let him know and I will go myself. I just know that I cant do this with him anymore. Its one thing to take the emotional and verbal abuse from his dad....I will not take it from my son. I have to draw the line somewhere and for his own good he needs to learn that I wont tolerate his defiance or disrespect.

Parenting with an alcoholic is a nightmare....

HopefulmomtoD

Ah .... he went to his Dad's house. That's fine- I just don't think you are allowed to put them out on the streets when they are minors. At least, not in my state.

When my RAS was that age, lol, I would have LOVED to have somewhere to send him. If he doesn't like it at his Dad's- then he's going to have to change his behavior to live with you. At least you have that option.

I have no advice about parenting a troubled teen. We did everything for my RAS. Counseling, mentors, tough love, etc. Some teens are more troubled than others and some choose to use substances to cope. As I said before you may be looking at another addict in the making. I hope not.

dandylion

Dear my3sonsnme, is there any way you can send him to a residential treatment facil ity/school? Can you ask his therapist to help you find a way? This is what Dr. Phil always does with kids like this on his program---of course, he has all the financial resources in the world (LOL).

There might be a way!! It is a thought.

dandylion

my3sonsnme

dandylion I have actually, I found one in Texas, Resolution Ranch (is that the one Dr Phil uses?) and it is the PERFECT fit for him..they cater to boys who have not yet got into deep trouble with the law, who have just experimented with marijuana and whos main problem is anger and defiance...they are basically trying to catch these boys before they get in to deep. Its so perfect, they work with horses and my son is a huge animal lover. I have spoken to them on the phone but the cost is just to much...I have thought of every way I could try to do it but just cant manage it....
I pray about it every day.

dandylion

My3sonsnme, maybe someone who reads this forum can help you find a way to send him to a similar school---there are lots of others, I am sure. (Dr.Phil uses several different ones--Aspen is one that I remember--probably very pricy, though).

Ask for help on this forum. Also, ask every person that you can think of. The school system, the court system, charitable organizations, beg--if necessary. Write a letter to Dr. Phil. Maybe his websites can suggest more affordable alternatives. Ask to be on his show--h ow can it hurt??

I believe you are on the right track. He needs structure--he needs evaluation (for depression)---he needs a healthier peer group. You also need help in knowing how to cope. This is just too hard to do alone.

sincerely, dandylion

my3sonsnme

wouldn't that be an answer to my prayers!!!!! I have sent a message to Resolution Ranch asking for any help they can give me..financial aide, scholarships, anything they may have.

As a single mother I am limited, Im trying to find a night job that would allow me to pay for it but have had not luck...

I will try anything, Thanks for your support dandylion...it means so much.

laurie6781

I too was going to suggest writing to Dr Phil. Asking if they can recommend a school/rehab that you might be able to afford or as an alternative, ask Dr Phil for help with your son. You might even end up on the show.

A gal that used to be on this site, ended up on the show, her and her hubby. It was helpful for her in that she got the counseling she needed to work on her and she did move on eventually. But she was very 'positive' about her appearance on the show and how helpful Dr Phil was.

It is worth a shot, the worse they can do is say No.

Anyway, sounds to me you are really working on you and moving on, setting boundaries for your own peace and serenity!!!!!! Good job!!!!!

Love and hugs,

CentralOhioDad

While the intention is good, I'm not sure I could put my family's story out there for the country to see. To be paraded in front of a national audience doesn't seem to be a positive resolution.

But, I'm a more private person, and was hesitant about speaking out here on this forum.

Just my thoughts. Contacting them and asking for referrals, however, seems like a very good idea.

C-OH Dad

HopefulmomtoD

I'm with COD- no way would I go on national tv nor would I trust Dr. Phil. I realize we are desperate to get help for our kids, though. Been there.

I don't think there is any easy answer. I've known several teens that have done wilderness camps- as soon as they came home they were back where they started. And, their parents were out a lot of $$$.

marie1960

What about inquiring with you local juvenile court system? you don't have to spill your guts to them, but I am sure you could ask where there troubled teens are placed.
While you may not want to hand him over to the court system, at this point you don't have a lot to loose, he is heading down a very troubled path.

Another thought, social workers at hospitals have quite a few resources.

Redvelvetcake59

c029::

Hello there,

I saw your post and thought that it was about me. Its not my son, but my brother who is the abuser in the family. On other post I spoke about the disrespect as recently as our birthdays which are 2-22 and how he called me all types of names (told the family he did not remember any of this) cursed me out for not driving to get his bag of dope and theft tools and then proceeded to really get crazy until I hung up the phone.

A week after that, he called his very own meeting of family members that are on his side and said to them " She told me that I cursed her out on our birthdays and used all types of disrespectful words and names, but I did not do any of that and she bugging".

It is a good thing I have a thick skin because my brother is 49 and I am 59. He has been doing this since 29 so I am sure you all get the picture. Nobody will stand up to him and tell him just how bad he is. Nobody will tell him how he looks when he is falling down drunk and high off of crack. Nobody will tell him he looks bad, smells bad, does not have a pot to **** in and honestly really needs to get it together to preserve what little life he could still have if he wants it. Nobody will say any of these things except me....so of course I am the bad guy in all of this. Remember I said earlier that he has been doing this since 29?

Well, My3sonsnme-I did the same thing you did except my brother has never been allowed to live with me because of the drug habit, the stealing and the fact that all the females live together for financial reasons so "no boys allowed" ...lol, but even if, my personality would never allow adults to behave in this manner and think that it is ok after all my parents went through to help us grow and succeed. But my father did baby my brother in the latter years and none of that helped as he thinks everybody will be accepting and baby him on all his mistakes and mishaps and jail time and drug use and alcoholic outburst....that is everybody but his mean old older sister....me....I just ain.t havin it....just can't do it.

Don't get me wrong....I can be real sad and moody thinking of all we could accomplish as brother and sister. Back in the day, he and I were real popular as we could have been on Dancing with the Stars had they existed, but once that drinking and drugging started and that verbal abuse....he was outta here. I believe each and every one of us although we go through a lot, sometimes although we think that everybody on earth will put up with the bad things that we do, not everybody is always that accepting of bad behavior especially when we have bent over backwards and done all we could to try and get the person on their feet. But if they don't want to listen, believe me until they accept that they have a problem, their ain.t nothing really we can do.

CeciliaV

I know that the rehab facility where my husband was had a dedicated program and dedicated/separate living space for teenagers...there was no interaction allowed between adults & teens in the residential facility. There may be more local options that would at least save you the added cost of transporting him halfway across the country.

Florence

Agreed. There are also inpatient rehab centers that you can look into as well.

I was a "troubled teen" and my parents called the police on me every single time I was discovered breaking the law. The usual protocol is for police to turn the kids over to the parents unless there was an incident or pattern worthy of pressing charges. The point at which I decided it wasn't worth the trouble to keep sneaking out and getting high was when my parents had me arrested and finally told the cops I wasn't going home with them. I was placed in a local juvenile detention center for about 45 days -- I have no idea about the cost to my parents, if any -- and it was enough time to "break" me.

While this didn't cure my problems or my attitude, it did refocus me long enough to get into college and get out of my parents' house. It's just my experience.

keepingmyjoy1

Awww, my heart is bleeding for you. I lived it. I KNOW. In my case, it was my daughter. She is an alcoholic, was doing drugs, stealing from me, disrespectful. There are so many things that lead to me throwing her out of the house. She had a friend over to stay the night one time (who I thought might be a good influence)--NOT. That night I could feel something was not right. I went into her room and just knew there was someone in her closet. I reached in and pulled a young man out of her closet that was barely dressed that was almost a foot taller than me (and I am very tall) and literally pushed him out of our house. My daughter was 15 at the time.

I took advantage of many local programs, she went to a "shelter" for kids like her and she stayed there. Part of the condition of her staying was to receive counseling etc. That lasted a very short time because of her disrespectful and rude attitude. I took her to counseling and all she did was tell them everything that was wrong with me and was so closed off that they could not reach her. There is just so much to the story, but after I had to throw her out, eventually, after staying with many friends where her attitude wore out her welcome, she was homeless. One day, after a few months, she asked me to take her to breakfast as she wanted to talk to me. I was so hopeful. I rarely heard from her and never knew if she was ok or not. I was devastated when she explained how great it was to be homeless and how she loved it. Still had an attitude. I was guessing she just needed a good meal. How I cried at how dirty she was, and how thin she was. She did not ask to come home and I did not invite her. I was broken hearted. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, but I knew that if she came home, nothing would have changed and life would be a misery for both of us.

I stood my ground. It was one of the hardest things in my life up to that time.

Can I tell you? Best thing I ever did. Really.

My daughter is now 3 years sober, an active AA member, has a wonderful support network, works her 12 steps, is now happily married to a wonderful guy, made me a grandma, and is very happy.

I always told her through it all that I loved her, and I always would. It is just the choices that she was making that I could not tolerate. I always told her that I would love her no matter what.

She told me after a year or so of getting sober, that even though she made those horrible choices that caused her so much pain and regret, she never forgot that I loved her always and that it made it a lot easier to turn things around.

I share with you my story to give you hope that by staying the course that you in your heart know is the right one, a blessing can come. It may take years like it did for me, but it can come. But you have to take care of yourself too. You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you.

I will be keeping you in my prayers. Please keep us posted. We all really do care.