da1sy

Long time lurker, first time poster here.

So, "R"AB is pulling out of a little lapse, and by little, I mean days of binging on alcohol and drugs, getting arrested for a DUI, and falling through on his commitments around the house. I'm only starting to really understand what enabling and codependency mean. I definitely had my own lapse by picking him up from the police station at 3AM. He's pulling out of the binge now because he is traveling to see his mother (a day late...).

A little bit of history: he's been in several programs including inpatient and out. He has sporadically attended AA and NA meetings. He's recently become interested in Buddhist reinterpretations of recovery practices. Sometimes it seems like he is really committed, but he also has frequent lapses, continues to lie to me about using, and has a lot of excuses for his "long term" goals for himself (as opposed to committing fully right now).

I told him that I would like to take a break, for at least as long as he is away, maybe longer. We live together, so it will be nice to have some time to myself to reflect and recover, especially since I feel like his addiction has overshadowed some other issues with our relationship and my own life. I have a history of enabling while he's binging and right afterwards, so I feel like I've made a lot of progress this time by detaching. It was easy at first, because his attempts at manipulation were so ridiculously blatant. Now that he's sobering up, though, I can tell that he really is having a hard time dealing with the guilt/shame/regret/etc. He goes back and forth between quietly moping and asking me for some support or affirmation of love.

Does anyone have tips for this post-lapse period? Also, just generally for detaching, letting go of a relationship, etc.

AnvilheadII

to SR! i'm sorry for all that brings you here but none of us got here on our best day!

I think a break is a good idea....for you. we can all use some time and space to gain some clarity. have you looked into Alanon meetings? they are for those whose loved ones are alcoholics and can offer excellent face to face support.

wicked

I understand both sides of this statement.
I think getting some time apart is a great idea!
You seem to be seeing what is, that is an excellent start.

Beth

da1sy

Thank you. It is just difficult not to get my hopes up with all of the ardent apologies and promises made during this period.

AnvilheadII

not to make light, but that sounds like the alcoholic oath:

I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It Will NEVER Happen Again!

they aren't really promises if they've been repeated and never followed thru.

da1sy

It's more along the lines of "I know you hate me for a million reasons right now but they're all because of my drug addiction" "I'm sorry, you have every right to think I'm disgusting" "I know I f'ed up, but I'm a good person and I don't want to be like this anymore"

I know I shouldn't have any expectations, but it's hard because he isn't a violent person, he actually treats me very well (when he's not using). He's very cognizant of what's going wrong in his life, he just isn't taking ownership of his actions. He told me he was planning on proposing to me during our upcoming trip to China (while he was wasted) but now he can't because he messed up too badly.

LifeRecovery

Da1sy-

I can't speak for your loved one, but I heard a lot of these with my ex.

I think he really did believe them, especially when he was saying them. I however got so wrapped up in how bad he felt about himself that it turned into a deflection from the problem. This was more than just with the drinking.

What happened internally for me with it was I felt like I needed to pick, him (and comfort him) or me. It became a viscious circle that was hard for me to get out of.

Audrey1

I think, like Life Recovery, that they really do mean what they say at the time, but that in the end the booze is just too strong for them. I hate the fact that you had to hear about the intended proposal like that. It really tarnishes things which should be beautiful. The first time my partner told me he loved me was a drunken scream over the phone as he was egged on by his equally drunk friend in the background. Romantic, eh. I actually pretended I never heard what he said so he could say it in more sober times. Talk about enabling...

Mine proposed to me when sober (he got drunk later that night) in a very romantic setting. Unfortunately, although I didn't quite know what was stopping me from saying yes at the time, I soon realised it was his drinking and that he had a big problem. Two years on he has quit drinking now (fingers crossed), and continues to lay the guilt trips on me about the fact I still haven't said yes. I'm not about to cave on that, but I have days where it really gets to me and I feel like the worst person in the world for not giving him an answer. And then I have a read through all the emails I sent him begging him to address his drinking problem. All the emails that detailed the reasons I couldn't marry or have children with him. I think about the time I gave him his ring back after an awful drunken night. And then I get angry that he had all those emails for so long and did nothing about them until I finally left him. And that was the kick he needed to quit. Unfortunately a lot of damage has been done, so the thought of marriage and children at this point is so tarnished by everything that's happened. We are back together, but it if he manages to stay sober it will be a long time before I will even consider giving him the answer he wants.

I guess this is my round about way of saying I'm truly sorry for what you have gone through, Da1sy. I know it's hard not to keep your focus when the one you love is so unhappy and in pain. But think about YOUR pain. It's important too. I don't know if you have letters or emails like I do, but if so I suggest you read them so you are reminded of the heartfelt efforts you made in the past to help him and your relationship, and then think about what effect they actually had on your partner's drinking. Hopefully this will help get your focus back to yourself.

All the best, Da1sy.

CentralOhioDad

Man, if I had a dollar for everytime I heard those BS lines....

CeciliaV

I can see some of my A in your story as well. I think they do mean what they say in the moment, or at least they want to mean it, but the pull can be so strong and/or they just can't find it within themselves to follow through with promises, sobriety, and recovery.

Sounds like you're making some good, healthy steps for you. I wish I could give you some advice on next steps...I'm working through some back to back "lapses" and am struggling to find my own way as well. Just wanted to give you some support and let you know you're not alone in this. Sending you strength & hugs!

da1sy

So, the binge continues. He's gone MIA. Didn't show up to meet his mom, but did fly out there yesterday. I've tried calling him a couple times today because I miss him, but no response. He has talked to his mom today, though, so we know he's alive at least. It's really hard for me not to obsess when he goes MIA like this. What is he doing? Is he going to survive? Where is he? Will he cheat on me? I am really trying to internalize the fact that I have no control over his life, and I need to focus on mine. I am going to try to go to bed early tonight and have a really productive day tomorrow. I'm going to clean the house, do neglected laundry, get a good workout at the gym, eat well, and maybe see some friends. Wish me luck!

CeciliaV

Oh, da1sy, I'm sorry for all the worry, but I'm glad to hear you have a good plan for yourself tomorrow. It is a new day with new opportunities to bring joy and happiness into your life. Grab tomorrow by the horns and enjoy the hell out of it as best you can!

tnwife

I am going through the same broken record, its very frustrating to know the man you love is so sick. Only thing I know is take car e of yourself.

Hopeworks

Hi Daisy,

I loved a chronic relapser in my past and he sounds EXACTLY your guy! I spent 4 years in intense codie mode roller coastering in the alcoholic dance with our life spent in between rehabs, hospitals and courtrooms and the idyllic sweet times in between.

Of course, I KNEW that my A was different... he was the ONE who was going to beat the odds and we were going to live happily ever after once he and I conquered the nasty disease together. We were a team... he needed me... he loved me etc, etc, etc...

I spent 4 years.... 4 long, long, often miserable years on the alcoholic train to hell and back and the relapses never stopped. He never changed.

But I did. I got into recovery from the family disease of alcoholism. I set boundaries and kept them. More was revealed. He kept getting sober and kept relapsing... about ever 90 days.

I set a date of one year sober to an actual face to face date (his last binge took him 3000 miles away to the left coast) and he has now relapsed 3 times since that boundary and is drinking like a fish in Vegas as we speak).

I just blocked his phone so he can't text me ... I think this time it will be for life. Like most alcoholics he is the perpetual "victim" and hecomes the nasty type. Completely irrational but it is what they do.

I tell you all this because what I learned is that it is a very bad idea to fall in love with potential... most people do not change. It is an incredibly small... tiny percentage of alcoholics that actually end up treating the entire spectrum of their disease... the spiritual, emotional core that makes them drink and turn nasty.

My ex Would treat the disease! He went to AA meetings daily, had a great sponsor and appeared committed to recovery!

But... he always gets thirsty. And he picks up a drink. And then he is on a plane or train or boat to Vegas. In a week or so he becomes Mr. Hyde and until he hits the wall he will drink to oblivion and blackout and be a menace to society and himself.

Does he mean it when he says he wants recovery? I think he does. But at a certain point he becomes unwilling to do "whatever it takes" and instead does what he wants... picks up a drink.

This is long... but I wanted you to know my story. Because we want the fairy tale. But as kids we were programmed that love is enough but with alcoholism it isn't enough and chronic bingers are not relationship material. Every day is Russian Roulette and life can unravel at any moment when you choose to give your life to an A.

In my case, my XA and I were past kids (we already had them with others) but I caution any woman contemplating a family with A... please, please be careful. It is so traumatic and damaging to be raised in an alcoholic home... I know. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and that is why I "love alcoholics" or used to anyway.

I am on the wagon... no A's in my future! If I weaken I will just look on my texts at the picture my XA sent me with two showgirls in Vegas after he quit his job and went gambling and drinking last week... broken record...nothing changes if nothing changes.