workingonme11

I am.going nuts. Back and forth between sobbing uncontrollably and deep deep sadness to missibg him so bad. I feel.like there is a hole.in my chest. Its hard to.breathe or think or eat.....

No closure. No.answers. Did he love me. Did he even care. Need to be around people but seems like everyone is busy.....and trying to stay out of my head and out of my house by myself....

Assuming he is just going on with his life. Happy and joyful without me bugging him.
How is it that during the last three weeks.esp. before he stopped contacting me that i felt justified and knew he wasnt treating me right....and i suspected he was using again because of his combative behavior.....
But now? Im second guessing myself "was it really that bad??" "Maybe i.was.pushing him.away??"

My mind is playing tricks on.me i think.....
He is a good man with a good heart. Why would he choose this way??

Im.going to.mtgs daily and the gym....staying in touch with people....but today is.a bad one.....and thats not good....

I want him to call.me....and reach out......but i.think.ill never hear from him again...which just keeps breaking my heart all over again.....


I know i cant change him. I cant control him.....im just so so.lost this.morning for.some reason

Kindeyes

I understand all the second guessing that goes with loving an addict. For me, I recognized it as my inner voice of denial.....I simply didn't want to believe what was happening. I wanted to give the addict "the benefit of the doubt". I couldn't believe that someone so special could be on such a destructive path. I thought......maybe it's me......not him.

I'm so glad you reached out to share your pain......a burden shared is a burden lessened.

It sounds like you are doing some great things to take care of yourself....and today is just a particularly sad day. Those days happen......we all have them.

I had to do a lot of experimentation to find out how to ride the wave of sadness. Sometimes I just had to ride it.......face the pain......acknowledge it and give it time to change. Sometimes I'd go out on my elliptical and work out vigorously. Sometimes I reading helped (The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is a particular favorite). Sometimes I had to go in the shower and just cry. No matter what I was doing though....I always prayed a lot.

I hope you'll experiment a little to find what your mind is asking for today.......

gentle hugs to you today
ke

EverHopeful721

My heart breaks for you, working, because I know exactly how you feel. I'm right there with you. It's been three weeks for me, but I still cry every day, the pain is still there every day. But there's nothing we can do about it except accept it and move forward. They chose this, we didn't. But as you said, you knew right before he stopped contacting you that he wasn't treating you right, that something was wrong - and it was the same exact thing for me....I just had a feeling in my gut that something had changed in him, for the worse, which then changed the dynamic between us and I knew there was no way to fix it, I just had a feeling the end was near. And as much as it hurts every day and as much as I still cry (God, how I wish the tears would stop!!), I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't this 'wonderful' relationship that I made it out to be, nor was he this caring, amazing, sensitive person I made him out to be, either. I gave him way too much credit for being a better person than he actually is. Why? I really don't know, maybe because I'm a RAGING codependent!! But I'm starting therapy to figure out why and hopefully learn how to never give someone an automatic 'pass' again, not until they PROVE to me that they deserve credit for being a decent person!!

Just hang in there - you're still very early in the process and it takes TIME. That's the one thing I'm realizing - I need TIME. Time to grieve and get over him, time to work on me so I can stop blaming myself, time to find happiness again. But until I find that happiness and love inside myself, I won't be able to find it in someone else. We're all here with you in spirit, many of us are even walking the same exact path you are. Just keep reading and posting - you will get through this and will be so much happier, healthier and stronger for it. (((HUGS)))

ShootingStar1

Workingonme, and EverHopeful, too, I am so sorry for your pain. I left my abusive alcoholic porn addicted STBXH on July 4th, and after 20 years, it was terribly painful. Now, almost 9 months later, my life is much much better.

I realize that I was addicted to that relationship, no matter how destructive it had been. Part of it was the normal grief of losing a 20 year marriage that I had been very committed to. But part of it was losing the intensity and focus of having to be always on guard, always alert, always watching what was happening and protecting myself. It was a vortex of energy that kept drawing me in, no matter what I wanted.

Over the months, I went through rollercoasters of feelings from terrible grief, to longing, to anger, to feeling rejected, to being outraged, to being lonely, to being abandoned, but in between those bouts of despair and rage, I found more and more peace, and I found that I was happy and able to live quite contently in the silence.

Now, you have been geared up for one emotional hurricane after another, and he isn't there to cause one now. So there is a hollow, a lack of energy and intensity outside you to focus you; for me, the early response to that was to still engage with the thought of him, the loss of him, the anger at him.

That will pass. If you feel that you truly made the right decision, and nothing has changed (and how could it in such a short time?), don't second guess yourself.

I found that I needed my brain and my rational part to make the decisions and stand firm while emotions whirled all over the place. It does get better. In fact, it gets glorious!

Good luck

ShootingStar1

workingonme11

The difference is......he made the initial decision to not contact me back.....i haven't contacted him back either...

Disbelief.....

EverHopeful721

But that's what I'm trying to say, working - THEY chose this, THEY chose to stop all contact with us. I haven't tried to get in touch with my XA, either, even though I've been tempted. But HE chose to break it off with me, and in a cold and unfeeling manner, by text message. And as much as I wanted to go confront him on it - what is the point of it? So he can hurt and humiliate me further? Make me feel even more worthless and stupid? Rub in my face about how he's now 'dating' someone he'd much rather be with than me? NO. I don't need to hear that. If anything, they've made it easier because THEY chose to walk away, WE didn't. So we don't have to wonder if WE made the right decision or if WE could have/should have done things differently or if WE should take them back. THEY left US. And although it doesn't seem it right now, if we continue to move forward and work on ourselves, we're going to be GLAD one day that they did it. And believe me, I KNOW it's not easy - I have cried EVERY day for the last 22 days, up to and including today and there are so many times throughout the day where I just don't think I'm going to make it through the pain and heartache. But guess what? It shows up, I feel it, I sit with it a bit and then it PASSES. And each time I do this, I get a little stronger. I tell myself, Yep, this SUCKS B*LLS and hurts like a B*TCH, but I know that I'm also working through it, bit by bit, baby step by baby step and that's the ONLY way I'm going to get through this and move on to a happier, healthier and stronger ME. So try to remember that - THEY made the decision to cut US off....us, the women who only wanted to love and care for them, the women who would have done anything for them, the women who only wanted them to be happy....and that's THEIR LOSS!!!!! Hang in there, working - you are doing GREAT and you will get through this, one day at a time.

And thank you, ShootingStar - it means SO MUCH to those of us still in the beginning stages of loss/grief to hear from others who have been there, gotten through it and are SO MUCH happier in their lives now!!! I have also come to realize that I was addicted to my XA. And that's how I'm trying to look at it - just as I know the cocaine and alcohol are no good for him and will eventually ruin his life, HE is also no good for ME and if he hadn't broken it off with me, my life also would have been ruined eventually. I was actually doing a pretty good job already of heading in that direction, following him down that dark path that he's on, with the intention of 'saving' him, but also willing to sacrifice myself, if need be. See, HE was MY drug. And although it doesn't feel like it right now, I know I will look back one day and be grateful that it ended when it did, before I got any further enmeshed. Thank you for the support, ShootingStar!!

Jodie77

I absolutely can relate to this and all of your pain. This is all so new and fresh and raw for me as well. My axfiance told me to move out on Feb 26th via text. Shortly after proposing he started to change, he became cruel, distant, emotionally unavailable and neglectful. I knew the end was near and I felt desperate to salvage our relationship. I loved this man with all my heart. I invested nearly 4 years with him and his 3 children only for him to callously and cruelly abandon me. No closure. Only that he is back on opiates and coke and that I "deserve better" and he "doesn't want to put me through it again."

I have cried hysterically daily. I've lost weight. My face has aged. I'm in total despair and so so depressed that it takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and lay there for hours and just cry. I understand your pain.

I'm so sorry you girls are going through this. I have no words of comfort because I'm in hell too. I feel no let-up emotionally. In fact, every day gets worse. They say time heals all but in my case time is exacerbating the pain.

Just know you're not alone.

workingonme11

I just private msg'd you @jodie77 ((((hugs))))

lesliej

It's been 14 months for me, and from what has come to pass I have to say...just keep going! I am amazed at the way in which my life has changed...so much more peace, so much more easy going happiness and joy, I am able to focus on my career...my vocation. I have a voice. I have energy. I have focus. I have so many cool things going on...

I used to use all my energy trying to figure out an addiction that I was attached to...when my ex and I split I had arrived at a point where I was finally so so sick of crack in my life...and being with him meant a seemingly endless series of relapses, and I finally hit bottom and called it.

As a co-dependent I realized that I too had been on a series of relapses...I would leave, I would be hurt, angry, frustrated, despair, agony...endless drama and pain, I would leave...and I would come back...again and again. Just like him I had my own painful and life destroying addiction. I was not living, I was surviving. Angst, anger, suspicion, fear, self pity and despair were a daily diet.

We would be together and I thought I had found heaven.
He would use. I would be in hell. I would leave...he would silver tongue devil me back in...I would find glimmers of heaven again...he might even get several months clean and then...he would use. I would be in hell...on and on ad nauseum! I just kept relapsing because I could not get thru the withdrawals...the pain and heartache felt like I was dying.

An addict will tell you that their withdrawal can feel like they are dying. An addict will tell you that they relapse and go use again when it feels like they are dying and they need their drug. We are no different. We have to get through the withdrawal. Love is not a necessarily "benevolent" force. People kill for love. People die for love. Sometimes you have to get over love to live.

There are plenty of songs, films and writing about horribly unhealthy love.

Love is also a very powerful drug. I truly believe other drugs try to mimic the affect of love.

It is quite possible that you are in the throes of withdrawal. Reaching out for support is good. You are not alone.

Vale

..good for you,lesliej.It has been an honor to see the power within you
rise over these last few months.Your wisdom has helped me.Thank you.

It's been a hell of a ride,no?

lesliej

Sometimes I can't believe that I have actually gotten off the roller coaster...and even walked out of the sick carnival grounds. But most of the time I look back (with ever increasing clarity...) and can't believe how much I kept "paying" for the ticket to ride. And I don't mean money...I mean emotional well being, sanity, gratitude...quite simply life.

I was paying for that hellish ride with my life.
Maybe I thought if I paid with my life I would have the life I imagined (with him...).

I hit bottom when I realized the manipulation of his disease started to blame me as an excuse for why he used.
I hit bottom when I realized I was using his addiction as an excuse to live in hell, that I was using love as an excuse to live in hell.

kat1973

I get the being addicted to the addict, I so am. I had 3 days without him and seriously went mad. That was about as long as I could handle the withdraws, of course I relapsed.

It is the most painful of things but I admire the strength of those who get through it.

Workingonme and Everhopeful I am sorry for what you are going though.

EverHopeful721

Lesliej, I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your insightful and inspirational posts!! I haven't gotten a chance to go back and read your story (but you are on my list of people to check out, lol), but I have read other posts of yours, and I have to say, they always give me such hope to see how strong you've become and how much happier you are now WITHOUT an active addict in your life. Your recovery is really working for you - you are shining!! Thank you again!!

Thank you, Kat1973, and I'm so sorry that you are in a similar situation. But the fact that you've found SR is a step in the right direction! So you tried no contact with your addict and lasted for 3 days - that's a start! It is definitely not an easy thing, walking away from someone you love, even when you know the relationship is not all it should be. But be proud of yourself that you at least did it for 3 days! Even if you're not sure what you want to do right now, please keep coming here to read and post - it really DOES help to know that there are so many of us in the same boat, at all different levels of our own recovery! Sending (((HUGS)))!!

workingonme11

One month today. Yay. And tears...

EverHopeful721

Hang in there, workingonme....I'm going on 5 weeks and it IS getting a little better each day. Try to keep concentrating on you and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sooner or later, you're going to wake up one day and realize it doesn't hurt quite as much as the day before....and before you know it, you'll have more of THOSE days and less of the ones that hurt so much. ((hugs))

Jodie77

It's been 5 weeks for me as well...and I feel worse.

EverHopeful721

Hang in there, Jodie. We all go through the stages of grief differently and in our own time. But I've seen a lot of progress in you just in the week or so that you've been here. I'm getting ready to leave for my therapy appt - this week has been a little hard for me, not as many tears, but still very sad, so I'm hoping I'll feel better after my appt. Again, one foot in front of the other and baby steps (even if some days you have to CRAWL!!).

zoso77

Late to this thread. Take my EHS for what it's worth.

When my AXGF left in the manner she did, that was it. All that was left was absorbing the pain of betrayal, not mourning the loss of the relationship. The big takeaway from my experience was my AXGF was incapable of giving and receiving love. That's not to say that there weren't moments of tenderness, and maybe in her own messed up way, she loved me the best she could. But on a whole, she couldn't operate with any consistency in an adult, romantic context. How could she when all she cared about was her needs?

And you know what? That's fine. In the days and weeks after it ended, I answered any and all questions regarding her with "because she's Borderline and an addict". Because both are true. It saved my sanity, and it better enabled me to look at my role in the relationship. And, boy, did I and have I learned a lot from the experience.

So, there may be days when your suffering is overwhelming, and I get that. But you need to remember that that's how you feel today. And if you keep doing the right things, you will get better and hopefully put his loss in a place where it doesn't hurt as much. Emotional pain sucks, but it won't kill us.

Be safe.

ZoSo

kat1973

NC > EMOTIONAL COLD TURKEY

workingonme11

((((Biggest hugs)))))