imallright

So, I woke up this morning feeling empty and confused. I know that for me being with someone who drinks to excess is not going to work. I know that it doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. It matters how being with him and around the drinking makes me feel. That being said, I am struggling with "is it really a problem"? Am I judging and making a decision to walk away too quickly? Is he different? I have read some other posts and see the patterns and justifications for the drinking. Same type of stuff I see in this relationship.

Why then am I feeling bad? Why do I feel like I am hurting him? Why do I feel like I owe him and explanation? I know I did the right thing to say...get away from this... and I know I am wasting my time trying to think, wish, hope it is different or that it will change. How did his happen again?
Was i not done learning, and he came into my life to reinforce? Mixed up

dandylion

Dear iamallright, If one is noticing repeating patterns, it is always a good idea to take a few steps back and do an honest self evaluation of how we may be involved in that pattern. This may require the help of trusted others as none of us have the amount of objectivity that is required for this.

Have you read any of Melody Beattie's books? Have you ever had contact with alanon? Is there any history of addiction (or abuse) in your family of origin?

These are just some opeing questions.

sincerely, dandylion

imallright

Have read many of her books and al-anon is always a boost for me. I know I am making the right decision. It hurts, but staying with him will hurt worse.
When I told him why, rather than apologize he tried to justify that he was "just finishing up the scotch, to get rid of it" "was a mistake to buy it" " wasn't going to buy it again". Then he asked if there was double standard since I drank too much one time when my son was her visiting. I indicated that no double standard. I was not proud of my behavior, apologized the next day and knew that I didn't want to be a part of my life.

I am not sure why I feel I need to explain or justify. I don't ever want to see him again. I want to pretend it didn't happen. But i am also proud that I was able to extract myself before it got too crazy making. I am exhausted.

wicked

Wow, this is me! I am reading a book now about detachment.
It is called "Let Go Now, Embracing Detachment" by Karen Casey.
I think I want the other person to embrace my decision about my boundary instead of detaching from their reaction.
LOL
Obviously, I am still working it out while writing it out.

Beth

imallright

Hi wicked....go easy on you. Reading and talking will help you to figure it out. As you can see with me though, it is a constant work in progress. I have been away from my ex-husband for more than 6 years, read tons of books, walked a bazillion miles, been in hours and hours of counseling and still I have times when I slip back and think maybe this time I can fix and change the world. I have learned how to show up for me though. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes and that it isn't scary...but I know what is right for me and just need to make it happen. It is amazing to me how easy it is for me to try to justify someone else's behavior. maybe the key is not think about that person's actions at all, just to worry about my own and how I feel. Hang in... you are moving forward