Addict Exboyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Addict Exboyfriend
Hi! First - thanks so much for taking the time to read this! I really appreciate it!
My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. He was and is and will forever be the love of my life. I met him 10 years ago and instantly fell in love with him. He is just such a warm, talented, loving, funny, caring, handsome man. Unfortunately, he is also an addict. He was abusing oxy on and off in our relationship and our relationship suffered. About 6 months ago, he finally took the steps to become sober. He owned up to all of his friends. He recognized he has a disease. He started going to NA meetings. I was so proud of him. He did have one relapse 2 months later, but it didn't seem to set him back at all.
About 6 weeks ago, we broke up. Although our relationship had been tumultuous because of the drugs, it truly came out of the blue. We were on speaking terms for a little, but he since found a rebound girl (and has ever so lovingly been throwing her in my face). About a week ago, he called me up in the middle of the night wasted. Even though we are no longer together, I can't help but run when he calls because I worry about it. He opened up to tell me told me he has recently been doing acid. I am beyond worried about him and at my wits end about what to do. I want to talk to him, but he refuses to talk to me because he thinks I'm only trying to get back together with him. I just want to help him. I know walking away is the best answer, but when you love that person, it is the hardest thing in the world to do. Family and friends just don't understand because they only see the negative that the drugs bring out in him. I fell in love with the wonderful man that he is and want to help that man come back out.
Thanks!
My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. He was and is and will forever be the love of my life. I met him 10 years ago and instantly fell in love with him. He is just such a warm, talented, loving, funny, caring, handsome man. Unfortunately, he is also an addict. He was abusing oxy on and off in our relationship and our relationship suffered. About 6 months ago, he finally took the steps to become sober. He owned up to all of his friends. He recognized he has a disease. He started going to NA meetings. I was so proud of him. He did have one relapse 2 months later, but it didn't seem to set him back at all.
About 6 weeks ago, we broke up. Although our relationship had been tumultuous because of the drugs, it truly came out of the blue. We were on speaking terms for a little, but he since found a rebound girl (and has ever so lovingly been throwing her in my face). About a week ago, he called me up in the middle of the night wasted. Even though we are no longer together, I can't help but run when he calls because I worry about it. He opened up to tell me told me he has recently been doing acid. I am beyond worried about him and at my wits end about what to do. I want to talk to him, but he refuses to talk to me because he thinks I'm only trying to get back together with him. I just want to help him. I know walking away is the best answer, but when you love that person, it is the hardest thing in the world to do. Family and friends just don't understand because they only see the negative that the drugs bring out in him. I fell in love with the wonderful man that he is and want to help that man come back out.
Thanks!
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
lag268, you can't help him.
He needs to want it for himself.
And the fact that he won't talk to you because he thinks you want to get back together, screams of the ego of an addict.
Let him and his rebound go. If he's gonna get clean, he will, not because anyone helps him.
I hate to say it, but the codependent in me recognizes the codependent in you.
He needs to want it for himself.
And the fact that he won't talk to you because he thinks you want to get back together, screams of the ego of an addict.
Let him and his rebound go. If he's gonna get clean, he will, not because anyone helps him.
I hate to say it, but the codependent in me recognizes the codependent in you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
He's your ex, he's still in active addiction, and he's being cruel to you.
It's ok to miss him, but you may be giving him too much space in your head.
For your own sanity you may need to "block and walk".
It's ok to miss him, but you may be giving him too much space in your head.
For your own sanity you may need to "block and walk".
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Love yourself first before you love anyone else especially an addict ex boyfriend who is still using..
I agree with the above poster.. BLOCK AND WALK!!! It's going to hurt for a little while but I promise you that in a few weeks your attachment to him will be weakened.. NC is the best way to get over someone and start healing yourself..
I encourage you to go to alanon and start the process of your recovery
I agree with the above poster.. BLOCK AND WALK!!! It's going to hurt for a little while but I promise you that in a few weeks your attachment to him will be weakened.. NC is the best way to get over someone and start healing yourself..
I encourage you to go to alanon and start the process of your recovery
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
ok. everyone here is right. I have only one experience to add. acid is DANGEROUS. I dropped it once years and years ago and... well... I beat up a guy who was 6'2 and about 200 lbs. Im 5'2 and 120 lbs soaking wet. I had no clue where I was or who he was. I thought he was a troll. Im just saying... it makes people literally go out of thier minds. anything can happen. I really cared for this guy and I still clawed his face and broke his nose. I didn't believe they couldn't restrain me until everyone's stories matched up.... I woke up tied up in a blanket just to keep myself and everyone around me safe.
sorry if it seems harsh, but acid is no joke. please be careful. anyone on it could really hurt those around them and not even know it.
keep yourself safe. what if one night you are trying to help and he's fried and accidentally hurts you? block and walk. I cannot say it enough. psychedelics are extremely dangerous for everyone involved.
sorry if it seems harsh, but acid is no joke. please be careful. anyone on it could really hurt those around them and not even know it.
keep yourself safe. what if one night you are trying to help and he's fried and accidentally hurts you? block and walk. I cannot say it enough. psychedelics are extremely dangerous for everyone involved.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I hope you find some insight that helps you here.
The family and friends you talk about, who don't understand how much you love him and can't see past his addiction to see the "real him", are people who love and care about you. They see what he is doing to you and it is tearing them up to see him hurt you over and over and over again. They want to stop you...they want to stop their pain as they witness you putting yourself out there to get hurt by him again and again. Is their love for you making you stop?
Love doesn't cure addiction. And unfortunately, the wrong kind of love can actually make things worse. Even though we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it (the three c's).....our behaviors can most definitely contribute to it. If love was all it took to fix addiction, it certainly wouldn't be the pandemic it is. Everyone here loves the addict in their lives.......
Unfortunately, you are like most people who love addicts. We love the people they use to be or the people they could be......not the people they are today. Addicts are going to use until they get sick and tired of being sick and tired....and they reach their bottom.....and not one minute sooner. You nor I make them get there any faster........addiction is a baffling and cunning disease.........
gentle hugs
ke
The family and friends you talk about, who don't understand how much you love him and can't see past his addiction to see the "real him", are people who love and care about you. They see what he is doing to you and it is tearing them up to see him hurt you over and over and over again. They want to stop you...they want to stop their pain as they witness you putting yourself out there to get hurt by him again and again. Is their love for you making you stop?
Love doesn't cure addiction. And unfortunately, the wrong kind of love can actually make things worse. Even though we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it (the three c's).....our behaviors can most definitely contribute to it. If love was all it took to fix addiction, it certainly wouldn't be the pandemic it is. Everyone here loves the addict in their lives.......
Unfortunately, you are like most people who love addicts. We love the people they use to be or the people they could be......not the people they are today. Addicts are going to use until they get sick and tired of being sick and tired....and they reach their bottom.....and not one minute sooner. You nor I make them get there any faster........addiction is a baffling and cunning disease.........
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by lag268 
Hi! First - thanks so much for taking the time to read this! I really appreciate it!
My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. He was and is and will forever be the love of my life. I met him 10 years ago and instantly fell in love with him. He is just such a warm, talented, loving, funny, caring, handsome man. Unfortunately, he is also an addict. He was abusing oxy on and off in our relationship and our relationship suffered. About 6 months ago, he finally took the steps to become sober. He owned up to all of his friends. He recognized he has a disease. He started going to NA meetings. I was so proud of him. He did have one relapse 2 months later, but it didn't seem to set him back at all.
About 6 weeks ago, we broke up. Although our relationship had been tumultuous because of the drugs, it truly came out of the blue. We were on speaking terms for a little, but he since found a rebound girl (and has ever so lovingly been throwing her in my face). About a week ago, he called me up in the middle of the night wasted. Even though we are no longer together, I can't help but run when he calls because I worry about it. He opened up to tell me told me he has recently been doing acid. I am beyond worried about him and at my wits end about what to do. I want to talk to him, but he refuses to talk to me because he thinks I'm only trying to get back together with him. I just want to help him. I know walking away is the best answer, but when you love that person, it is the hardest thing in the world to do. Family and friends just don't understand because they only see the negative that the drugs bring out in him. I fell in love with the wonderful man that he is and want to help that man come back out.
Thanks!
My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. He was and is and will forever be the love of my life. I met him 10 years ago and instantly fell in love with him. He is just such a warm, talented, loving, funny, caring, handsome man. Unfortunately, he is also an addict. He was abusing oxy on and off in our relationship and our relationship suffered. About 6 months ago, he finally took the steps to become sober. He owned up to all of his friends. He recognized he has a disease. He started going to NA meetings. I was so proud of him. He did have one relapse 2 months later, but it didn't seem to set him back at all.
About 6 weeks ago, we broke up. Although our relationship had been tumultuous because of the drugs, it truly came out of the blue. We were on speaking terms for a little, but he since found a rebound girl (and has ever so lovingly been throwing her in my face). About a week ago, he called me up in the middle of the night wasted. Even though we are no longer together, I can't help but run when he calls because I worry about it. He opened up to tell me told me he has recently been doing acid. I am beyond worried about him and at my wits end about what to do. I want to talk to him, but he refuses to talk to me because he thinks I'm only trying to get back together with him. I just want to help him. I know walking away is the best answer, but when you love that person, it is the hardest thing in the world to do. Family and friends just don't understand because they only see the negative that the drugs bring out in him. I fell in love with the wonderful man that he is and want to help that man come back out.
Thanks!
There is nothing wrong with the concern you have for your ex. Feelings and concern don’t just stop for most people when a relationship ends. Im not sure what you can do, especially if he will not talk to you. The one thing I could suggest is to write out what you feel you need to say, and then send it to him via mail, text, voicemail, or the like. In doing this, at least you will have expressed your feelings.
After that, I would take a break and try to focus on other things. Time will most likely reveal more with him. It sounds like he reached out for help in the past, and it did him some good – so he knows there is help available. There are lots of options: group support, therapy, inpatient, outpatient, even online help. (many people use this site to aid in their recovery – take a look at substance abuse, or newcomers forums). He just has to want to get his sobriety back, and be willing to do the hard work.
If you were in contact with him on a regular basis, then I would recommend a book suggestion from the therapist I relied on when my husband was in rehab. Its called: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Brenda Wolfe PhD, and Robert Myers, PhD. It uses the CRAFT method (community reinforcement and family training) to teach you how to use positive reinforcement techniques to encourage him to seek treatment. It is also valuable in helping you analyze the overall relationship and where there where issues, helps you identify what types of behaviors are acceptable in your life. You can google the book, and Craft for more info if your interested. Craft actually has proven successful results in getting loved ones to seek out treatment. They of course have to find recovery and sobriety on their own as its an inside job. (I have also used principles in the book to to assist with various non-addict people in my life: employees … down to my … mother in law. LOL ).
First and foremost, take care of YOU. Regardless of what he is going through, YOU still have a right to a happy and healthy life. There are quite a few others here who are in similar situations with ex’s… so your not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
lag268, first of all, I am sorry you are going through this. It is horrible. Secondly, I totally understand where you are coming from throughout your post! I also recently broke up with my long term ABF. It is the hardest thing I have EVER done. For me it has been 7 weeks now...so we are about on the same timeline. 
I will say, I have had VERY little contact with him and it has helped tremendously. If he was currently "in recovery", I would be willing to talk occasionally...but since he is in active addiction, I have decided that No Contact is really what's best (for both of us). I don't want to be a part of that. It just makes me crazy. I am going NC not to teach him a lesson or punish him but to protect myself. It has also helped because he may or may not have moved onto some "rebound" girl...I cannot handle seeing those things on facebook or hearing out it! It makes me anxious and sad and depressed and not good enough. If any of that sounds like you, maybe NC really is the way to go. Block his number from calling you so you don't have to worry about him calling you telling you wat he is doing. It is so hard. But just think of it as giving him (and yourself) space to focus on yourselves. Give him the dignity to do what he wants with your life. Give yourself the gift of serenity that can only be achieved by NC and taking a good look at yourself and the relationship.
I'm sorry if my post isn't making sense! I tend to ramble. Anyway, I just wanted to say I know where you are coming from. I also had the issue with my family and friends, them wanting me to just break up with him and stay away, but I felt they didn't understand...They didn't really KNOW him like I did! I still don't think they can understand but I do realize that they feel that way only because they care about me and don't want to see me hurt like Kindeyes said.
Keep coming here to post! Have you gone to any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings or read any books on the subject? I am currently reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it is really helpful.
I will say, I have had VERY little contact with him and it has helped tremendously. If he was currently "in recovery", I would be willing to talk occasionally...but since he is in active addiction, I have decided that No Contact is really what's best (for both of us). I don't want to be a part of that. It just makes me crazy. I am going NC not to teach him a lesson or punish him but to protect myself. It has also helped because he may or may not have moved onto some "rebound" girl...I cannot handle seeing those things on facebook or hearing out it! It makes me anxious and sad and depressed and not good enough. If any of that sounds like you, maybe NC really is the way to go. Block his number from calling you so you don't have to worry about him calling you telling you wat he is doing. It is so hard. But just think of it as giving him (and yourself) space to focus on yourselves. Give him the dignity to do what he wants with your life. Give yourself the gift of serenity that can only be achieved by NC and taking a good look at yourself and the relationship.
I'm sorry if my post isn't making sense! I tend to ramble. Anyway, I just wanted to say I know where you are coming from. I also had the issue with my family and friends, them wanting me to just break up with him and stay away, but I felt they didn't understand...They didn't really KNOW him like I did! I still don't think they can understand but I do realize that they feel that way only because they care about me and don't want to see me hurt like Kindeyes said.
Keep coming here to post! Have you gone to any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings or read any books on the subject? I am currently reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it is really helpful.
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