NeverDrink

Hi everyone,

I want to thank those who run these forums, because I find them such an invaluable place where I can go to really put in an honest effort to end my addiction to alcohol. I quit drinking for about a month after New Year's Eve, and have been drinking steadily for the past several weeks. Of course, I realized this had to stop, and I've made the decision to quit again, starting a few days ago.

One reason I love coming to these forums is because, and I'll say this hoping to not sound cliche, but people here seem to understand where I'm coming from. I'm in my mid-thirties right now, and my alcoholism has been an issue ever since I took my first drink when I was in high school. I've always had self confidence issues, and I quickly learned alcohol would make me feel less self-aware - for better or for worse - and quickly gave me all sorts of attention.

I've done some incredibly stupid things when I've been drinking, and in fact it's the only time I really make major, life-shattering mistakes. I've lied, cheated, and stolen, I've driven many times while intoxicated, I've gone places and did things with people that disgust me when I'm sober. I've injured myself so severely while drinking that it required me to spend 15 days in the hospital and sacrificing thousands of dollars. I've spent time in crack houses with strippers who stole my wallet. I've pissed in the bed many, many times.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep drinking, it is literally killing me. It is not only killing my body, it is killing my spirit. It's like it has damaged my rational thinking so severely that I can't make a logical decision while drinking. I realize all of this. I need to quit, there is no other way. I don't even enjoy it when I'm drunk.. so why do I do it? Does anybody know the answer? All I know is that I'm done. I have a solid career, a great family, and I'm definitely in a great life position when I think of the positives in my life. I know that it's not too late, but soon, it certainly will be. I don't know about the whole "hitting rock bottom thing", because I feel like I've done it many times and still, I have taken to the alcohol as a sort of refuge.

I believe many of you were at one time in the same position as me, which is why I love coming to these forums. I don't usually post, but I love to read your stories; they are inspiring to me. I've done so many stupid things while drunk over the years, but really, the most damaging effect alcohol has on my life is how much it elevates my levels of anxiety and depression to levels that have become, and have been many times in the past, intolerable. I've had legitimate panic attacks in the past, and have gone to the doctor to explain this and hopefully get some sort of medicinal reprieve. I know it's not what I need though, so I quickly give up taking any anti-depressants because it has become obvious the alcohol is the vital flaw in my life; the flaw causing my spiralling brain chemistry.

So again, I thank you all for your posts, and I will continue to read. I have full confidence that this will be the last time I have to quit, because I truly believe I am capable of doing so. I am not a person who will go to AA, because I don't like the religious aspect of it. I've explored Rational Recovery, and I find that it works for me if I keep reading up on it, which makes sense. I will continue to study it in the future (you can't work out at the gym once and consider yourself to be in shape, right?).

Anyway, thanks for reading everyone.

Mizzuno

Good Morning. It is good to see that you have made a decision to quit drinking. All of these things that you speak of while being intoxicated, are exactly the reasons why most of us quit. You still have a lot to lose and i hope that you are ready to make the change necessary to get and stay sober. I didnt heed the warnings, and i wish with all my heart that I would of listened to someone other than myself. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.

alaskasunshine

I have been where you are so many times I can't even count. I have had my "last" drink probably a hundred times. I guess what I am trying to say is, it's not easy, I totally feel your pain. I hope you keep trying no matter what! I honestly think the key is to never stop trying.

DoubleDragon

You're right, I feel if you make an effort.. no matter what has happened in the past, it will work out.

hypochondriac

I can relate to a lot in your post NeverDrink, especially the anxiety. That was a major factor in my decision to quit as it was getting to the stage where leaving the house was difficult. Pretty much all of my anxiety and panic attacks stopped when I quit drinking, and if I ever feel slightly anxious now it is laughable in comparison to how I used to feel. I'm sure you'll feel much better sober. It isn't always easy but it's worth it x