Day 31 aaaannndd...Karma!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Day 31 aaaannndd...Karma!
So today is 31 days since I had my last drink. I didn't want to post or make a big deal out of it because I went 45 days last time before getting rocked in a hotel room in Africa to the tune of 10 bottles of wine in three days.
I have been doing OK. Not great, but OK. Still the strange ups and downs, particularly this week when I was a complete space case at work and could barely manage to turn on my computer, let alone think.
Anyway, I have done some really, really shi**y things while drunk as I am sure many have. One in particular is what really got me to take a serious look at how far gone I was and eventually was a leading factor compelling me to stop drinking.
Long story short: I work mostly for/with the military although I am a civilian. This puts me in environments and situations that most non-military people do not understand and really shouldn't have to. Anyway...that is somewhat of an excuse and I definitely used it to keep drinking for years but it is mostly true. I see a therapist regularly to deal with stress that comes from the job.
So here's what happened last July. I got involved in a situation with the husband of a very old friend from college whom I had stopped speaking to years and years before (nothing in particular happened, we just grew apart although remained in touch sporadically via FB and email). Her husband and I stayed close, however, because he is military and we had a lot in common, including a long standing physical attraction that we never acted on because of his wife/my friend. As of last year, I was under the assumption from him and others that they were separated and getting divorced. I never bothered to check that out further because, at the time, I wasn't in physical proximity to him so it didn't really matter, at least not in a way I was going to act on it sexually. Until last summer.
I was ending an extremely mentally abusive relationship with a fellow alcoholic, he was in town back from his fifth tour, there was a lot of wine and beer and war stories and...well, guess what? We acted on it. For two weeks.
That put the end (good thing even though it was done poorly) to my relationship. Then of course I find out that he was neither separated nor getting divorced. Never was. Bad marriage? Yeah. Physically not living together anymore? Yep. But divorcing or legally separated. Nope. But did I even bother to verify anything he said? Of course not, I was drunk. She found out, contacted me devastated (rightfully) and what ensued was about four months of horrible drama that ended with me putting down the wine glass in December. Of course I apologized, begged and pleaded for forgiveness, and said it was a drunken mistake but, even being as drunk as I was at the time, realized that this was NO excuse. To say I was paralyzed by guilt (still am in many ways) would be the understatement of the year.
Horrible, awful, guilty time period. But it stayed between the three of us because: 1. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone her husband cheated on her...with her former best friend; 2. He is in a position where this sort of thing means he can be kicked out of the military which would not be favorable to either one of them; 3.He has severe PTSD and has had multiple suicidal incidents so between the three of us, and his therapists, we decided to try to work through this individually and them as couple to not raise stress levels on him. Had heard nothing since December.
Well, I find out last night that she has decided to go ahead with the divorce anyway and share "her side of the story." With basically every single mutual friend of ours from the past 17 years. She has also decided to share it on a very public blog she has (she is a relatively well-known chef) and has given more than enough details for people to figure out exactly who the marriage-wrecker in question is. And the number of females in my field is relatively small so it's not like there will be a ton of guess work involved to figure it out even if one didn't know both of us personally.
The emails and the outrage from friends has already starting pouring in.
I deserve it, I know that. There is and was no excuse. But...damn...the timing is sh*t. Not like these things are ever well-timed.
Talked to my sponsor and she said to do nothing. Not to respond until absolutely necessary. Not to compromise my sobriety on something I can not fix in the short-term or take away.
But that is SO not my personality. I am a fixer and want to run around begging forgiveness from everyone. Explain and explain that this wasn't really the *real me.* It was the drunk me. I am sober now! Yeah...right...that'll work.
I don't know why I decided to write this down today but I had to get it off my chest somewhere and I really have no appropriate venue (besides my sponsor) to otherwise explain such an awful, drunken tale.
Anyway, I don't know if anyone else out there has ever been in such a clusterf**k of a situation before but there's mine. Happy day 31
One more reason not to drink although God only knows I want to right now. So. Very. Badly.
I have been doing OK. Not great, but OK. Still the strange ups and downs, particularly this week when I was a complete space case at work and could barely manage to turn on my computer, let alone think.
Anyway, I have done some really, really shi**y things while drunk as I am sure many have. One in particular is what really got me to take a serious look at how far gone I was and eventually was a leading factor compelling me to stop drinking.
Long story short: I work mostly for/with the military although I am a civilian. This puts me in environments and situations that most non-military people do not understand and really shouldn't have to. Anyway...that is somewhat of an excuse and I definitely used it to keep drinking for years but it is mostly true. I see a therapist regularly to deal with stress that comes from the job.
So here's what happened last July. I got involved in a situation with the husband of a very old friend from college whom I had stopped speaking to years and years before (nothing in particular happened, we just grew apart although remained in touch sporadically via FB and email). Her husband and I stayed close, however, because he is military and we had a lot in common, including a long standing physical attraction that we never acted on because of his wife/my friend. As of last year, I was under the assumption from him and others that they were separated and getting divorced. I never bothered to check that out further because, at the time, I wasn't in physical proximity to him so it didn't really matter, at least not in a way I was going to act on it sexually. Until last summer.
I was ending an extremely mentally abusive relationship with a fellow alcoholic, he was in town back from his fifth tour, there was a lot of wine and beer and war stories and...well, guess what? We acted on it. For two weeks.
That put the end (good thing even though it was done poorly) to my relationship. Then of course I find out that he was neither separated nor getting divorced. Never was. Bad marriage? Yeah. Physically not living together anymore? Yep. But divorcing or legally separated. Nope. But did I even bother to verify anything he said? Of course not, I was drunk. She found out, contacted me devastated (rightfully) and what ensued was about four months of horrible drama that ended with me putting down the wine glass in December. Of course I apologized, begged and pleaded for forgiveness, and said it was a drunken mistake but, even being as drunk as I was at the time, realized that this was NO excuse. To say I was paralyzed by guilt (still am in many ways) would be the understatement of the year.
Horrible, awful, guilty time period. But it stayed between the three of us because: 1. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone her husband cheated on her...with her former best friend; 2. He is in a position where this sort of thing means he can be kicked out of the military which would not be favorable to either one of them; 3.He has severe PTSD and has had multiple suicidal incidents so between the three of us, and his therapists, we decided to try to work through this individually and them as couple to not raise stress levels on him. Had heard nothing since December.
Well, I find out last night that she has decided to go ahead with the divorce anyway and share "her side of the story." With basically every single mutual friend of ours from the past 17 years. She has also decided to share it on a very public blog she has (she is a relatively well-known chef) and has given more than enough details for people to figure out exactly who the marriage-wrecker in question is. And the number of females in my field is relatively small so it's not like there will be a ton of guess work involved to figure it out even if one didn't know both of us personally.
The emails and the outrage from friends has already starting pouring in.
I deserve it, I know that. There is and was no excuse. But...damn...the timing is sh*t. Not like these things are ever well-timed.
Talked to my sponsor and she said to do nothing. Not to respond until absolutely necessary. Not to compromise my sobriety on something I can not fix in the short-term or take away.
But that is SO not my personality. I am a fixer and want to run around begging forgiveness from everyone. Explain and explain that this wasn't really the *real me.* It was the drunk me. I am sober now! Yeah...right...that'll work.
I don't know why I decided to write this down today but I had to get it off my chest somewhere and I really have no appropriate venue (besides my sponsor) to otherwise explain such an awful, drunken tale.
Anyway, I don't know if anyone else out there has ever been in such a clusterf**k of a situation before but there's mine. Happy day 31
One more reason not to drink although God only knows I want to right now. So. Very. Badly.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Does your friend have a right to be upset? Sure.
But frankly, it sounds like her marriage was already in the $hitter and you handed her a really convenient outlet for all the frustration and angst and bitterness and whatever else she was no doubt already feeling.
You were drunk, you've taken responsibility, begged forgiveness, and beyond that it's out of your hands so I hope you can just kind of take a philosophical view, try to let it go, and preserve your sobriety.
For what it's worth you sound like a really smart, nice person and someone I would personally like to know. I would just keep you away from my boyfriend.
Kidding kidding!! We kid because we love!
As Judge Judy would say, "Put a period to it and move on."
And feel better.
And don't drink.
But frankly, it sounds like her marriage was already in the $hitter and you handed her a really convenient outlet for all the frustration and angst and bitterness and whatever else she was no doubt already feeling.
You were drunk, you've taken responsibility, begged forgiveness, and beyond that it's out of your hands so I hope you can just kind of take a philosophical view, try to let it go, and preserve your sobriety.
For what it's worth you sound like a really smart, nice person and someone I would personally like to know. I would just keep you away from my boyfriend.
Kidding kidding!! We kid because we love!
As Judge Judy would say, "Put a period to it and move on."
And feel better.
And don't drink.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Congrats on 31 days
I agree, do nothing. This isn't something you can fix. Just retain your dignity by not saying anything. soon they'll be gossiping about someone else. by speaking up and trying to defend yourself it will just prolong it. Stay quiet and sober , you can't control what others say or do but you can retain your dignity and peace of mind by not getting involved.
I agree, do nothing. This isn't something you can fix. Just retain your dignity by not saying anything. soon they'll be gossiping about someone else. by speaking up and trying to defend yourself it will just prolong it. Stay quiet and sober , you can't control what others say or do but you can retain your dignity and peace of mind by not getting involved.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Ptcapote 
Talked to my sponsor and she said to do nothing. Not to respond until absolutely necessary. Not to compromise my sobriety on something I can not fix in the short-term or take away.
This too shall pass. Shortly down the line you won't remember it.
My sponsor used to say "Do you remember what had you all upset a week ago, a month ago, a year ago?"
All the best.
Bob R
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I would not respond to the emails or even open them if they are going to upset you and possibly compromise this great month of sobriety.
What's done is done..you cannot change what happened. You owned up and apologized, there is no need to beat the dead horse (her marriage). Hold your head up and make new friends, preserve your job and never enter her restaurant...(the knives).
6 months down the road and she may be apologizing to you...and who KNOWS what she was doing while he was doing wrong??? Her anger must have been festering a long time and there are many reasons that her marriage went south....you probably caught the tail end. That doesn't make it right, but you should walk away from this stinking pile of dung, because saying ANYTHING will keep the stink up..
What's done is done..you cannot change what happened. You owned up and apologized, there is no need to beat the dead horse (her marriage). Hold your head up and make new friends, preserve your job and never enter her restaurant...(the knives).
6 months down the road and she may be apologizing to you...and who KNOWS what she was doing while he was doing wrong??? Her anger must have been festering a long time and there are many reasons that her marriage went south....you probably caught the tail end. That doesn't make it right, but you should walk away from this stinking pile of dung, because saying ANYTHING will keep the stink up..
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by MeSoSober
I would just keep you away from my boyfriend. Kidding kidding!! We kid because we love!
Thanks for your kind and encouraging words, I really appreciate it
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
You have a great sponsor !!
Still mortified but she made me smile.
And stop crying
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
PT - your sponsor sound like the perfect person you need during this early sobriety.
I'm laughing out loud here because she is totally right...we ALL could be awarded medals for being a^%#oles because we are afflicted by addiction and did crazy things while under the influence.
Listen, what's done is done. You need to live your life for YOU. You were a jerk. You apologized and have beaten yourself up. Enough. Looking back will just give you whiplash.
Let it go.
You have enough to worry about staying sober and learning how to deal with life both here and on the road without the aide of alcohol. There isn't room for other baggage right now. We've all left carnage behind...we are not proud of it, but it is what it is.
I wish you the serenity to ACCEPT the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I'm still working on this whole concept and I'm no expert but I know it works and I suggest repeating it as much as possible when you start to take out the brick to beat yourself up again.
You can do this. You are a good person who has an illness. You are seeking help and moving forward. That's enough for now.
Good luck and keep in touch...I'm on the road again in 2 weeks and as always, will be facing down my demon with a stern stare as it tries to trick me into airport, hotel and bar drinks. But I am confident and know where to turn for help. Use us here as much as you have to. Take what you need and leave the rest. It's been working for me so far and I'm approaching 7 months
I'm laughing out loud here because she is totally right...we ALL could be awarded medals for being a^%#oles because we are afflicted by addiction and did crazy things while under the influence.
Listen, what's done is done. You need to live your life for YOU. You were a jerk. You apologized and have beaten yourself up. Enough. Looking back will just give you whiplash.
Let it go.
You have enough to worry about staying sober and learning how to deal with life both here and on the road without the aide of alcohol. There isn't room for other baggage right now. We've all left carnage behind...we are not proud of it, but it is what it is.
I wish you the serenity to ACCEPT the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I'm still working on this whole concept and I'm no expert but I know it works and I suggest repeating it as much as possible when you start to take out the brick to beat yourself up again.
You can do this. You are a good person who has an illness. You are seeking help and moving forward. That's enough for now.
Good luck and keep in touch...I'm on the road again in 2 weeks and as always, will be facing down my demon with a stern stare as it tries to trick me into airport, hotel and bar drinks. But I am confident and know where to turn for help. Use us here as much as you have to. Take what you need and leave the rest. It's been working for me so far and I'm approaching 7 months
Last edited by IWillWin; 03-15-2013 at 06:03 PM. Reason: iPhone autocorrect oops!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Thank you for sharing. I know you are in pain over this. If its any consolation, you are not alone. We have all done things that we want to fix, run from, bury ourselves or move to another country never to be contacted again. You have done your best. You owned it and you were honest. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I have had to do the same recently in owning up to my damage. As humiliated as I am I still need to get out of bed and get on with it. Mistakes are allowed in this life. Learning from them is crucial. So, let's get on with it. We have a wonderful life to cherish and live. Your doing beautifully. Happy 31 days to you. I'm proud of you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 67
Ptcapote,
Congrats on your 31 days.
Your situation is crap and I've been somewhat there before as well. You apologized and that's all that can be done. When I have a hard time letting go of my guilt/shame/crap over something I screwed up, I have to ask myself if there is anything else I could do to improve/fix what happened. Usually, the answer is a "no". And because I realize that I cannot reasonably do anything else, I am forced to accept the situation as "non-fixable" (at least by me) and therefore it makes no sense to further dwell on it. (I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but that whole process helps me let things go.)
Congrats on your 31 days.
Your situation is crap and I've been somewhat there before as well. You apologized and that's all that can be done. When I have a hard time letting go of my guilt/shame/crap over something I screwed up, I have to ask myself if there is anything else I could do to improve/fix what happened. Usually, the answer is a "no". And because I realize that I cannot reasonably do anything else, I am forced to accept the situation as "non-fixable" (at least by me) and therefore it makes no sense to further dwell on it. (I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but that whole process helps me let things go.)
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