Best friends ex
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Best friends ex
A few months ago my best friend sent her husband back to the UK to get help for his drinking......this was his last chance as far as she was concerned and after making all the right noises for a while it quickly became apparent he was not ready to get sober. I tried to help and encourage as best I could but I knew better than anyone that I could give the best sobriety speech man has ever known and it still would not have helped, he was/is not ready, and as we all know, until he is....there is no point in trying to force him.
So inevitably she told him it was over, she had had enough, 17 years and she was done with it. She has started moving on with her life and is so much happier than I've ever known her, it was the right move.
The whole story would take forever, so basically in a nutshell, here is the problem. He is behaving appallingly towards her, threatening to kill her, burn her house down, take her son away, every horrible thing you can think of, she is getting, and it is none stop.......the phone rings constantly through the night, her son is terrified to go to the UK to see him because he has been told they(he and his family) will take his passport and keep him there. She is being told if her son does not get on a flight they will come over and take him.........
We have been to the police a few times and filed a report, but they cannot do anything because he is in a different country and until he commits an offense here they cannot arrest him. And I know in reality these are just threats and very unlikely he will follow through but the impact it's having on her mentally is heartbreaking! Now she refuses to speak to him so he tells all this to his son (16), and the poor kid is traumatized!!
He is obviously still drinking heavily, and now with his family who are all problem drinkers as well.
I guess what I'm looking for is there anyone who has any idea how to get through to him........I have tried but he sees me as part of the problem. How can he see that what he is doing is disgusting and wrong, and that he is pushing his son further and further away by behaving like this?!! Incredibly his family....who should be helping him get help, are instead just fueling the fire.
I can't really relate to him because even at the height of my addiction I still had morals and knew right from wrong.....he doesn't seem to !!!
So inevitably she told him it was over, she had had enough, 17 years and she was done with it. She has started moving on with her life and is so much happier than I've ever known her, it was the right move.
The whole story would take forever, so basically in a nutshell, here is the problem. He is behaving appallingly towards her, threatening to kill her, burn her house down, take her son away, every horrible thing you can think of, she is getting, and it is none stop.......the phone rings constantly through the night, her son is terrified to go to the UK to see him because he has been told they(he and his family) will take his passport and keep him there. She is being told if her son does not get on a flight they will come over and take him.........
We have been to the police a few times and filed a report, but they cannot do anything because he is in a different country and until he commits an offense here they cannot arrest him. And I know in reality these are just threats and very unlikely he will follow through but the impact it's having on her mentally is heartbreaking! Now she refuses to speak to him so he tells all this to his son (16), and the poor kid is traumatized!!
He is obviously still drinking heavily, and now with his family who are all problem drinkers as well.
I guess what I'm looking for is there anyone who has any idea how to get through to him........I have tried but he sees me as part of the problem. How can he see that what he is doing is disgusting and wrong, and that he is pushing his son further and further away by behaving like this?!! Incredibly his family....who should be helping him get help, are instead just fueling the fire.
I can't really relate to him because even at the height of my addiction I still had morals and knew right from wrong.....he doesn't seem to !!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Are your friend and her son in the U.S.? Depending on what State they live in, he may be charged with a crime here, and she can probably also get a restraining order. Now, whether they will extradite him to face charges (I am thinking stalking and terroristic threats, to start with) depends on the particular prosecutor's office.
I suggest that your friend contact the Domestic Violence hotline for some guidance. I am a retired prosecutor, worked nine years in the DV Unit of our office, and I still work for a nonprofit that deals with DV issues. If you want to message me privately, I might be able to help refer you to some resources that might help.
I suggest that your friend contact the Domestic Violence hotline for some guidance. I am a retired prosecutor, worked nine years in the DV Unit of our office, and I still work for a nonprofit that deals with DV issues. If you want to message me privately, I might be able to help refer you to some resources that might help.
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Thanks lexiecat but we are in Tenerife, Spain.......we have been to the domestic violence office, they have made a report, but until he actually does something or turns up at her door their hands are tied. It is just emotionally and mentally draining her.........all she wants is to move on with her life........he had countless chances an blew them all, yet he's still blaming her! 
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Oh, dear, I'm sorry I don't have info about Spain specifically. Is there any chance she could get the court's permission to move to an undisclosed address? Has she tried consulting a family attorney with experience in international child custody issues?
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Yes it will be possible she will move........as for the legal side of things, divorce, custody etc....it can all b done but costs money, and she is still having to climb out of the financial debt he left her in.......
A work in progress
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It's not just "demons"--men who are abusive and threatening are controlling and dangerous. This isn't just the alcohol, and it isn't just having a troubled past.
Threats of murder, kidnapping, and arson, must be taken seriously. They CAN be, and sometimes are, carried out
Threats of murder, kidnapping, and arson, must be taken seriously. They CAN be, and sometimes are, carried out
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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You are right, there are no magic words to change the behavior of an active alcoholic. It is impossible to reason with the unreasonable!
We have a saying around here: It is like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread.
On this side of recovery, we focus on what we can control and change: ourselves. In this type of situation, no contact helps to minimize the verbal bullying (a form of abuse).
Can your friend put blocks on her phone to prevent his number from calling, as well as put blocks on her email to prevent abusive emails? If the alcoholic needs to communicate, he can use the old system of mailing a letter.
If she needs to communicate with him, she can send a letter.
Moving would be a great idea! I recommend she get something like a postal box address and have her mail forwarded to the box address. Also ask her solicitor to protect her privacy and not let the estranged husband know her physical address.
We have a saying around here: It is like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread.
On this side of recovery, we focus on what we can control and change: ourselves. In this type of situation, no contact helps to minimize the verbal bullying (a form of abuse).
Can your friend put blocks on her phone to prevent his number from calling, as well as put blocks on her email to prevent abusive emails? If the alcoholic needs to communicate, he can use the old system of mailing a letter.
If she needs to communicate with him, she can send a letter.
Moving would be a great idea! I recommend she get something like a postal box address and have her mail forwarded to the box address. Also ask her solicitor to protect her privacy and not let the estranged husband know her physical address.
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Lexiecat, your right, I know, and we have taken it seriously by taking it to the police. And a petition was put forward in court to restrict access until the boy is 18, however it was not granted, due to lack of physical evidence.
Pelican, she has already taken out the house phone, and her mobile she switches off when he starts being a nuisance. she is going to get a mailbox when she moves as well. But the problem is the son, even though his head is done in with it, he still loves his Dad and just wants him to get right, he doesn't want to stop contact, he just wants to be able to go and see him and be a normal father and son rather than having to worry about his Dad taking his passport and not sending him back!!
Cerene, if life was that simple none of us would be here would we!!
Pelican, she has already taken out the house phone, and her mobile she switches off when he starts being a nuisance. she is going to get a mailbox when she moves as well. But the problem is the son, even though his head is done in with it, he still loves his Dad and just wants him to get right, he doesn't want to stop contact, he just wants to be able to go and see him and be a normal father and son rather than having to worry about his Dad taking his passport and not sending him back!!
Cerene, if life was that simple none of us would be here would we!!
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More concerned about you, since you are here and they are not, being so close to all this pain and drama. It's the kind of situation that can knock even someone with a lot of recovery right back into co-alcoholism.
They sound like they are on track actually... son will manage his relationship with his father as he works his own process of coming to understand the disease, and that too will take as long as it takes.
They sound like they are on track actually... son will manage his relationship with his father as he works his own process of coming to understand the disease, and that too will take as long as it takes.
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very concerned about her as well. However, the british courts will not force a 16 year old to stay with a parent they don't want to, in practical terms the courts here understand that a 16 year old can essentially choose where to live and whether to see or speak to a parent (it's a different matter with a 6 year old).
Advise her to change her phone number, cut contact, if she can at all - move.
Of course son wants to keep contact, can she get him into al-ateen? or counselling to process the feelings about his father or family therapy for the pair of them to work out some safety rules. Please re-assure her that IF he visits here and ex takes his passport, he can walk into any police station and state that he is being held in this country against his will: a 16 year old cannot be made to stay with either parent if they don't want to.
She may also be able to contact the police in this country, I'm not sure, but I'm positive that taking a 16 year old against there will, even if you are related is kidnapping, if not in Spain, then definately in the UK.
Google "rights of women" UK, and "women's aid" UK she may be able to email them to get some advice, or they can put her in touch with international organisations.
There are laws here about sending threatening emails/texts/phone calls that can be used, even if he's not in her country because he is committing the offense here by sending them (it's a misuse of the telecommunications act thingy - can you tell I'm not a lawyer?)
I would also cut all ties with him yourself - this isn't about addiction, it's about abuse - my abusive controlling violent alcoholic ex blames me for the breakdown of our marriage and still on ocaission threatens me: it is not logical, he is very very bitter, but that's because he has a twisted inner concept of what he is entitled to. you cannot do any good here, you cannot convince him that he is behaving in a violent threatening abusive way, contact with him feeds the beast: protect yourself, support your friend and get out of his sphere of influence.
Advise her to change her phone number, cut contact, if she can at all - move.
Of course son wants to keep contact, can she get him into al-ateen? or counselling to process the feelings about his father or family therapy for the pair of them to work out some safety rules. Please re-assure her that IF he visits here and ex takes his passport, he can walk into any police station and state that he is being held in this country against his will: a 16 year old cannot be made to stay with either parent if they don't want to.
She may also be able to contact the police in this country, I'm not sure, but I'm positive that taking a 16 year old against there will, even if you are related is kidnapping, if not in Spain, then definately in the UK.
Google "rights of women" UK, and "women's aid" UK she may be able to email them to get some advice, or they can put her in touch with international organisations.
There are laws here about sending threatening emails/texts/phone calls that can be used, even if he's not in her country because he is committing the offense here by sending them (it's a misuse of the telecommunications act thingy - can you tell I'm not a lawyer?)
I would also cut all ties with him yourself - this isn't about addiction, it's about abuse - my abusive controlling violent alcoholic ex blames me for the breakdown of our marriage and still on ocaission threatens me: it is not logical, he is very very bitter, but that's because he has a twisted inner concept of what he is entitled to. you cannot do any good here, you cannot convince him that he is behaving in a violent threatening abusive way, contact with him feeds the beast: protect yourself, support your friend and get out of his sphere of influence.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
very true--the acts are being committed in GB--it's worth getting legal advice there about what can be done on that end.
If someone in the US (in my state) were threatening someone overseas, we could charge them, as long as we had probable cause. That might be her best bet at this point--to hook up with law enforcement and the family court where HE lives. Worth a shot, certainly.
If someone in the US (in my state) were threatening someone overseas, we could charge them, as long as we had probable cause. That might be her best bet at this point--to hook up with law enforcement and the family court where HE lives. Worth a shot, certainly.
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