SoberSilvia

Hi, all:

Can anyone please share what the conventional wisdom is with regard to how long to avoid a new romantic relationship while in recovery? I have already figured out that it would complicate things and threaten my progress at this point even if it were a good relationship, but I am wondering how you know when you are ready.... how you know when that time comes when a new relationship will likely not put your sobriety at risk, especially if your new sig other drinks non-alcoholically. (There are so few people who do not drink at all).

So, seven months for me. I'm not doing AA or the 12 steps (though I've read about it quite a bit)... It's just not for me, but I do respect it for those whom it has helped. Just wondering what its position is on indicators as to when its "safe" to start a relationship.

Thanks.

Dee74

There's an informal 'rule' about a year....but I think everyone know whens they're ready or not...

I was about 7 months when I met someone...I'm glad I waited...I had a lot of work to do on loving myself before I could love someone else, and not mess things up.

your mileage may vary
D

SoberSilvia

Thanks for such a speedy reply... I'm thinking back here, but about 15 years ago, I stopped in February and started seeing someone at the end of that December. He showed up with a bottle of wine at my door (obviously, we didn't know one another very well at that point) for our first date, and it turns out he even had a wine cellar with some very special wines. So, that first night, I thanked him but told him I didn't drink... But somehow, I let my sobriety erode away... Probably not all that atypical... He would have a glass of port or one vodka for dinner out, but didn't have a problem himself -- and I was really jealous that he was able to do that... maybe downright envious.

After awhile the relationship itself just became something to be endured... no real pleasure or fun, and instead of just breaking it off, I let myself get worn down by the "un-funness" of it and used a couple of glasses a night to cope with that. I would drink it very slowly, and my boyfriend kind of teased me about it. He just couldn't see me as the kind of person who would have ever had a drinking problem, and I just didn't want to share with him how hard it had been to quit. Eventually, I ended the relationship, but I kept the wine and it got out of control once again.

So, I really thought I was ready to handle what ever came up, but it turns out that I wasn't...

Thanks.

shockozulu

A year. Look at it this way, the first year of sobriety you need to focus on you. Is it fair to another person to get involved with not just you, your recovery, but all the firsts that you will be experiencing?

SoberSilvia

No disagreement there. Apparently, a year wasn't long enough last time (well, 11 months), but then, I have more respect for how fragile this different way of being is now. Even after a year, I just wonder how I will know when a relationship is not too much of a risk. Maybe it's just not possible to answer that right now.

Thx!