Sister of a User soon to be a Father. Please advise.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Sister of a User soon to be a Father. Please advise.
I'm looking for advice. I was recommended to this site by a friend at school. My story is long, I'll try to cut it down.
Me:
I live across the country from the rest of my family, I've been here for about three years. I'm going to college, and don't visit home very often.
The issue:
I have an older brother who is 25, I'm not sure what he's currently using, but he has a history of cocaine, psychedelics, and marijuana. I'm not really familiar with drugs, these are just the things he's bragged to me about. I haven't been close to him in a few years, but I try to keep in touch. It seems I want to have a relationship with him more than he does with me.
He started seeing a girl almost two years ago, she had two children from previous relationships, but does not have custody of them. Since they've been together his drug use has spiraled out of control.
He can't keep a job, he goes from one friend's couch to another, it's just a mess.
This weekend, he told me that his girlfriend is pregnant. I don't know what to do.
My parents are not physically or financially able to raise a child; my brother could not pass a CPS review, and has no intention of putting this child up for adoption.
I'm 23, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to get back into school after my financial aid ran out. I don't want him to lose this child, but I feel like I'm the only one who could step up and take care of it.
There's more to the story, but that's the jist of it. Sorry it was so long. Any advice would help, especially anyone familiar with an aunt/mommy situation.
Me:
I live across the country from the rest of my family, I've been here for about three years. I'm going to college, and don't visit home very often.
The issue:
I have an older brother who is 25, I'm not sure what he's currently using, but he has a history of cocaine, psychedelics, and marijuana. I'm not really familiar with drugs, these are just the things he's bragged to me about. I haven't been close to him in a few years, but I try to keep in touch. It seems I want to have a relationship with him more than he does with me.
He started seeing a girl almost two years ago, she had two children from previous relationships, but does not have custody of them. Since they've been together his drug use has spiraled out of control.
He can't keep a job, he goes from one friend's couch to another, it's just a mess.
This weekend, he told me that his girlfriend is pregnant. I don't know what to do.
My parents are not physically or financially able to raise a child; my brother could not pass a CPS review, and has no intention of putting this child up for adoption.
I'm 23, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to get back into school after my financial aid ran out. I don't want him to lose this child, but I feel like I'm the only one who could step up and take care of it.
There's more to the story, but that's the jist of it. Sorry it was so long. Any advice would help, especially anyone familiar with an aunt/mommy situation.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Sorry for what you are going through. I dont have experience with CPS or anything with child custody, but I think there are people here who do know more about that, and Im sure they will be along to reply tonight or tomorrow.
Your brothers girlfriend - who has custody of her two children?
Your brothers girlfriend - who has custody of her two children?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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they were apparently fathered by two individuals (can't corroborate), but the father of the oldest has custody of both. Their ages are somewhere around 6 and 2 now. The mother sees them occasionally on weekends, I'm not sure if they stay the night with her, since she doesn't have a stable home to keep them in.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
Hello tetra
I've had experience dealing with CPS and stuff like that when my first daughter was born to an active addict. It's a rough situation. I'm at work know so Ill share more about my experience later tonight.
Huge red flag that your brother couldn't pass a CPS review. Still using or no recovery program is my assumption based on that fact. I understand the desire to swoop in and try to help this child but the one thing I will stress here is that ifyou do choose to go into this, do so with the understanding that guardianship over the child may be a permenant situation. 18 years of your life at least, dedicated to another person. Your Brother has no intentions of placing the child up for adoption, but he is going to have to jump through every hoop available to make that a reality. You may step up now but your brother may not follow your lead. Also the child's mother has rights in this as well.
Speak with a good family law attorney before contemplating anything.
I've had experience dealing with CPS and stuff like that when my first daughter was born to an active addict. It's a rough situation. I'm at work know so Ill share more about my experience later tonight.
Huge red flag that your brother couldn't pass a CPS review. Still using or no recovery program is my assumption based on that fact. I understand the desire to swoop in and try to help this child but the one thing I will stress here is that ifyou do choose to go into this, do so with the understanding that guardianship over the child may be a permenant situation. 18 years of your life at least, dedicated to another person. Your Brother has no intentions of placing the child up for adoption, but he is going to have to jump through every hoop available to make that a reality. You may step up now but your brother may not follow your lead. Also the child's mother has rights in this as well.
Speak with a good family law attorney before contemplating anything.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
Tetra, you can't do anything about it, except, after the baby is born, report the situation to social services. Then, stay out of it. There is really nothing else you can do.
I'm so sorry; I know this is hard, but you're not alone.
I'm so sorry; I know this is hard, but you're not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
in my state there are so many variables. I agree there is nothing you can do, and it may be in your best interest to stay out of it. If the girl is not married to your brother then many times she will have full custody until he applies for visitation rights and pays child support to her through the court. If the child is born without any drugs in its system and is healthy then she will be allowed to take the baby home. I know that in my state, all babies are tested through thier stool at birth before being returned to the mother after its first bath and initial screening. The stool test goes back to about the 4th month of pregnancy I do believe. Im sorry this has happened to you. sending prayers your way.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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I don't know the mother very well; my family doesn't approve of her because of how my brother met her, so she avoids contact with me.
I know neither of them would place the child for adoption.
Thank you for the support.
I will take the advice and stay out of it, I don't want to destroy what threads of a relationship I still have with my brother by acting irrationally. I just have an intense fear of my niece or nephew being lost in the foster system, I'll have to work through it.
I don't know how to convey to my brother that I wish to support him, but not support his behavior.
I know neither of them would place the child for adoption.
Thank you for the support.
I will take the advice and stay out of it, I don't want to destroy what threads of a relationship I still have with my brother by acting irrationally. I just have an intense fear of my niece or nephew being lost in the foster system, I'll have to work through it.
I don't know how to convey to my brother that I wish to support him, but not support his behavior.
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