Angry and Overlooked - How the Rest of the Family Responds to AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Angry and Overlooked - How the Rest of the Family Responds to AH
So, I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on the way that the family is treating (and has always treated) my husband and how overlooked I am in this whole aspect of his addiction.
My family lives in another state. My husbands family has acted as my surrogate family ever since I moved to the town we are living in now. His family has also known me for 17-18 years now.
Yesterday, my husband spent the only bit of money that we had. He wasn't home when I got home from work, and (knowing that he had the ONLY cash we have for the week) I was concerned that he would have spent the money by the time I got in. I sent his mother a text message, asking if she had spoken to him. She was concerned and said that she thought that "he was doing better." By the time he got home, the money was gone. I contacted his sister asking if she had seen him and she just ignored my text message.
So, here's the thing about the family: his mother pretends that everything is okay, and when he's down on his luck, doesn't have food, doesn't have money, she caters to him. The sister is always there when he "decides" that he is "going to get help," always giving him packs of cigarettes, buying him gas, buying him food. When he decided that he was going to "get help," she took him to a detox facility, and then spent 1000$ on funding rent in a sober living home, paying his truck payment, and buying him groceries. He was in the SLH for 5 days before he came home and binged till everything that he ownes is gone. No one called me to see how I was doing when he went to detox, when he moved away, or when I took him to a treatment center. In the three weeks all this went down, no one said "are you paying the bills, do you need some money, etc"
In my opinion, the family doesn't really care about my well being. No one ever calls to ask me how I'm holding up, how everything is going, how my financial situation is, etc. It's not as though his family doesn't know about his problems - he has been using drugs since he was a teen, in and out of jail, prison, several accounts of larceny, etc. It's just that I feel they just kind of dumped him on my plate and have washer their hands to him. Like, it's my responsability to deal with him now, and no one wants to know what's REALLY going on.
It's just pisses me off that everyone always caters to his needs and no one even takes the time to THINK about what I have been going through for the past 2 years. And it's no secret that he's been using that long and that he is a dope fiend. I'm just venting and wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with being completely overlooked.
My family lives in another state. My husbands family has acted as my surrogate family ever since I moved to the town we are living in now. His family has also known me for 17-18 years now.
Yesterday, my husband spent the only bit of money that we had. He wasn't home when I got home from work, and (knowing that he had the ONLY cash we have for the week) I was concerned that he would have spent the money by the time I got in. I sent his mother a text message, asking if she had spoken to him. She was concerned and said that she thought that "he was doing better." By the time he got home, the money was gone. I contacted his sister asking if she had seen him and she just ignored my text message.
So, here's the thing about the family: his mother pretends that everything is okay, and when he's down on his luck, doesn't have food, doesn't have money, she caters to him. The sister is always there when he "decides" that he is "going to get help," always giving him packs of cigarettes, buying him gas, buying him food. When he decided that he was going to "get help," she took him to a detox facility, and then spent 1000$ on funding rent in a sober living home, paying his truck payment, and buying him groceries. He was in the SLH for 5 days before he came home and binged till everything that he ownes is gone. No one called me to see how I was doing when he went to detox, when he moved away, or when I took him to a treatment center. In the three weeks all this went down, no one said "are you paying the bills, do you need some money, etc"
In my opinion, the family doesn't really care about my well being. No one ever calls to ask me how I'm holding up, how everything is going, how my financial situation is, etc. It's not as though his family doesn't know about his problems - he has been using drugs since he was a teen, in and out of jail, prison, several accounts of larceny, etc. It's just that I feel they just kind of dumped him on my plate and have washer their hands to him. Like, it's my responsability to deal with him now, and no one wants to know what's REALLY going on.
It's just pisses me off that everyone always caters to his needs and no one even takes the time to THINK about what I have been going through for the past 2 years. And it's no secret that he's been using that long and that he is a dope fiend. I'm just venting and wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with being completely overlooked.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
Yogagurl, yes, I know exactly how you feel. Active codependent behavior is no better, really, than active addict behavior. It's irrational. Please do what you can to minimize your contact with all of them. You can't fix this.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Speaking from my experience, I made the addict my number one priority. Sadly, it wasn't family or friends who forgot about me in the whole mess. It was me who forgot about me, my needs, my wants, and my dreams.
Learning to put me first was been a huge change, often uncomfortable and still challenging. But I now realize I must do it and not expect it from others. I am still a work in progress!
Learning to put me first was been a huge change, often uncomfortable and still challenging. But I now realize I must do it and not expect it from others. I am still a work in progress!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I hate so much you are going thru this ~ it is a horrid situation ~
During my 16 plus years married to my now exah - I too wondered about the actions & reactions of my in-laws - in recovery I learned that it's a FAMILY disease - that they TOO had been affected by his disease and there were multiple family members with addictions and there were many many lies, half-truths and deceptions being told about him, about me and about our situation, especially finances.
I'm not taking up for your in-laws - just saying that there is a good chance that they are hearing conflicting information and they want to believe the best about their loved one too just like we did for a while ~
The last few years, like others mentioned, I too limited my contact and started focusing on what was healthy for me ~
You can't buy bread at the hardware store, but you still need bread - where are you going shopping?
Maybe you can look to other resources for emotional support ~
pink hugs
During my 16 plus years married to my now exah - I too wondered about the actions & reactions of my in-laws - in recovery I learned that it's a FAMILY disease - that they TOO had been affected by his disease and there were multiple family members with addictions and there were many many lies, half-truths and deceptions being told about him, about me and about our situation, especially finances.
I'm not taking up for your in-laws - just saying that there is a good chance that they are hearing conflicting information and they want to believe the best about their loved one too just like we did for a while ~
The last few years, like others mentioned, I too limited my contact and started focusing on what was healthy for me ~
You can't buy bread at the hardware store, but you still need bread - where are you going shopping?
Maybe you can look to other resources for emotional support ~
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Although he is not my husband, I can somewhat relate. with the exception of his mother and father. Everyone else sees me as the gateway to him. "how is he? is he doing well? have you talked to him? when is he coming home?" I feel like they don't care about me and my life and only talk to me to get info about him. all they want to talk about is him. For me, I deflect the questions or answer with a shrug and silence. There are a few people I don't even talk to anymore because of it. I instead surround myself with my own friends and family who very kindly don't bring him up unless I do, and kindly change the subject if I bring him up too often.
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