Latest Episode
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Latest Episode
I took kids last night to support group for children whose parents have cancer or passed away from cancer. It really was a wonderful experience. They serve pizza in the beginning and have age appropriate classes and a therapist in each class. I am glad I went.
In my 4 year olds class, she made a "worry box". She tells the therapist her worries about anything. Therapist helped her write it and she put it in box so she could discuss it with me at home. When we got home I opened it and my 4 year old said "my only worry is that your sicker and sicker" It just made me cry...this is so damn hard. I didnt even know she felt that way.
I had blocked my separated AH phone so I went online to unblock him. I text him and asked him to call me regarding our daughter since I knew he was at work. I just felt it was important to share with him what she was feeling. He called and I started to tell him about the class and he said "I dont care about that meeting. You have cancer and are forcing her to go and dwelling on it so youre putting these things in her head. Is this what was so important?" I never told him it was an emergency, just when he had a chance. This is what I mean. I try for sake of our daughter to be civil and within a minute of being on phone he's being awful. I still never got to even tell him what was in her "worry box".
If I wasnt sick, I wouldnt have unblocked him last night. This is where I get all messed up inside. I dont know what time I have left so I wanted to try and share with him what outlr 4 year old is going through.
Before we separated last May he was sensitive, we discussed feelings, etc..Now he is so cold and callous. It is really rocking me to my core. This is so hard. I don't understand why he doesnt even care about our little girl and her feelings during this hard time. He was a fantastic dad and sensitive to her before. Now, he just doesnt care...and even says he doesnt care. It is just so cruel.
In my 4 year olds class, she made a "worry box". She tells the therapist her worries about anything. Therapist helped her write it and she put it in box so she could discuss it with me at home. When we got home I opened it and my 4 year old said "my only worry is that your sicker and sicker" It just made me cry...this is so damn hard. I didnt even know she felt that way.
I had blocked my separated AH phone so I went online to unblock him. I text him and asked him to call me regarding our daughter since I knew he was at work. I just felt it was important to share with him what she was feeling. He called and I started to tell him about the class and he said "I dont care about that meeting. You have cancer and are forcing her to go and dwelling on it so youre putting these things in her head. Is this what was so important?" I never told him it was an emergency, just when he had a chance. This is what I mean. I try for sake of our daughter to be civil and within a minute of being on phone he's being awful. I still never got to even tell him what was in her "worry box".
If I wasnt sick, I wouldnt have unblocked him last night. This is where I get all messed up inside. I dont know what time I have left so I wanted to try and share with him what outlr 4 year old is going through.
Before we separated last May he was sensitive, we discussed feelings, etc..Now he is so cold and callous. It is really rocking me to my core. This is so hard. I don't understand why he doesnt even care about our little girl and her feelings during this hard time. He was a fantastic dad and sensitive to her before. Now, he just doesnt care...and even says he doesnt care. It is just so cruel.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
He hasn't changed. This is just what happens when he doesn't get his way. I am SO sorry that you have to deal with cancer, grieving, upset children and a complete @$$hole.
Your life will be cleaner without his "clutter." This kind of thing is why I communicate only in writing with my X.
Your life will be cleaner without his "clutter." This kind of thing is why I communicate only in writing with my X.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My ex can suck the life out of any room/conversation/person without even exerting himself. He's just that much of a jerk.
Like Stella, I have found that the only mode of communication that allows me to say what I need to communicate to him is in writing. Preferably email, so there is written evidence of what was actually said, and not his jerk-interpretation of it.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Like Stella, I have found that the only mode of communication that allows me to say what I need to communicate to him is in writing. Preferably email, so there is written evidence of what was actually said, and not his jerk-interpretation of it.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((IAT))
I hate so much that the disease and choices do not allow your child to have both parents to give her the emotional support that she needs as she goes thru this scary time ~ but kudos to you for showing her how to reach out to other sources for getting those needs met in a healthy way ~ you are providing excellent skills for herself and for you ~
pink hugs & prayers for you & your family!
I hate so much that the disease and choices do not allow your child to have both parents to give her the emotional support that she needs as she goes thru this scary time ~ but kudos to you for showing her how to reach out to other sources for getting those needs met in a healthy way ~ you are providing excellent skills for herself and for you ~
pink hugs & prayers for you & your family!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
My ex ia also like this. He can take a conversation that is meant to help our kids and twist it into something about himself or about "how evil I am". It is twisted.
It sounds like he is not listening to you at all as he is wallowing in whatever he feels he needs to wallow in.
You are so strong and what you are doing for your daughter given what you are going through shows what an incredible mom you are. She has fears and she can now share them with you. You are her rock. He is selfish. She needs you. Not too sure she needs him. My ex tries to negate the kids' feelings. Feelings are just that and as a child to be told they are wrong-well, it might be good to stay away from that for her benefit.
Do you have others who you can talk to about your daughter's worry box because they are real to her and you too. It sounds like you reached out to your ex expecting something he sounds incapable of giving. This has to be a hard time for you--do you have someone you can reach out to for you? Your little girl has a phenomenal mom.
It sounds like he is not listening to you at all as he is wallowing in whatever he feels he needs to wallow in.
You are so strong and what you are doing for your daughter given what you are going through shows what an incredible mom you are. She has fears and she can now share them with you. You are her rock. He is selfish. She needs you. Not too sure she needs him. My ex tries to negate the kids' feelings. Feelings are just that and as a child to be told they are wrong-well, it might be good to stay away from that for her benefit.
Do you have others who you can talk to about your daughter's worry box because they are real to her and you too. It sounds like you reached out to your ex expecting something he sounds incapable of giving. This has to be a hard time for you--do you have someone you can reach out to for you? Your little girl has a phenomenal mom.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry, iamthird. He consistently outdoes himself in the narcissism. I understand why you continue to be surprised and stunned.
Your child would worry about you. When I was six years old, my mother became severely ill. We lived out in the sticks. Her mother--my grandmother--was scared. The family was all scared. I could tell. And my mother lay in the bed and she was very very sick.
I went off by myself and I found the New Testament, child-size, we'd been given in Sunday School. And, at six, I used the index in the back and looked up "sickness" so I could read all the right verses so I might save her. This is what children do. And children of alcoholics and drug addicts worry, too. They are worried and wondering what they can do to make the parents better. The drunk parent, the mean parent, the sad parent, the silent parent. Children carry worry.
Taking your daughter took energy and motivation and faith, and those are hard for you to come by these days, with your medical treatments and your abusive AH both extracting most of what you have for life.
But there you were, little child you love by your side, putting her first, performing such an act of integrity and self-sacrifice. The very opposite of narcissism.
Angels continue to cross your path and will continue to do so. They will be showing up in the days and weeks to come. You'll see. Watch for them.
You are shining very brightly.
Your child would worry about you. When I was six years old, my mother became severely ill. We lived out in the sticks. Her mother--my grandmother--was scared. The family was all scared. I could tell. And my mother lay in the bed and she was very very sick.
I went off by myself and I found the New Testament, child-size, we'd been given in Sunday School. And, at six, I used the index in the back and looked up "sickness" so I could read all the right verses so I might save her. This is what children do. And children of alcoholics and drug addicts worry, too. They are worried and wondering what they can do to make the parents better. The drunk parent, the mean parent, the sad parent, the silent parent. Children carry worry.
Taking your daughter took energy and motivation and faith, and those are hard for you to come by these days, with your medical treatments and your abusive AH both extracting most of what you have for life.
But there you were, little child you love by your side, putting her first, performing such an act of integrity and self-sacrifice. The very opposite of narcissism.
Angels continue to cross your path and will continue to do so. They will be showing up in the days and weeks to come. You'll see. Watch for them.
You are shining very brightly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I woke up this morning thankful. Thankful for another day of life, being a mother. I hate that AH is unrecognizable anymore.
I am so exhausted though from all the meetings, support groups, dr appts, therapy, etc...but I cant stop. I feel like if I stop physically, I will mentally stop as well.
Why do I keep caring about him not being here? I am so mad at myself for not being able to be over it already! He walked out on me 9 months ago. Why would I think my illness would change a thing?? Trying to figure out how to rewire myself. I literally ache for him everyday and night. Not who he is now, who he was...
Im scared for our daughter as well. If something happens to me, what she will be left with. He would always protect her physically but he is so emotionally defunct.
Im sorry I am sure i sound like a broken record. I just come on here instead of contacting him or being depressed. I am trying to reach out as much as possible to preserve my sanity.
I am so exhausted though from all the meetings, support groups, dr appts, therapy, etc...but I cant stop. I feel like if I stop physically, I will mentally stop as well.
Why do I keep caring about him not being here? I am so mad at myself for not being able to be over it already! He walked out on me 9 months ago. Why would I think my illness would change a thing?? Trying to figure out how to rewire myself. I literally ache for him everyday and night. Not who he is now, who he was...
Im scared for our daughter as well. If something happens to me, what she will be left with. He would always protect her physically but he is so emotionally defunct.
Im sorry I am sure i sound like a broken record. I just come on here instead of contacting him or being depressed. I am trying to reach out as much as possible to preserve my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Iamthird,
Lighting a candle today with the intention of sending up prayers for you and yours for healing and empowerment.
Sending lots of love and peace your way.
I hope you see how incredibly strong you are.
Katie xo
Lighting a candle today with the intention of sending up prayers for you and yours for healing and empowerment.
Sending lots of love and peace your way.
I hope you see how incredibly strong you are.
Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
iamthird, PLEASE keep coming here to talk about how you're feeling instead of contacting him or being depressed! We are mighty, we are many, and we can handle it!
I am sure it is ME that sounds like a broken record when I ask you to be gentle with yourself. You are scared and needing and feeling isolated right now. For better or for worse he is familiar. When you are feeling stronger, those needs will subside. You are going through SO much, and carrying such burdens, please do not add the burden of judging yourself for how you've handled these incredibly scary times.
Your little girl is so fortunate to have you for her mother. From you she is learning how to handle the most challenging times with an open heart. Sending you strength.
I am sure it is ME that sounds like a broken record when I ask you to be gentle with yourself. You are scared and needing and feeling isolated right now. For better or for worse he is familiar. When you are feeling stronger, those needs will subside. You are going through SO much, and carrying such burdens, please do not add the burden of judging yourself for how you've handled these incredibly scary times.
Your little girl is so fortunate to have you for her mother. From you she is learning how to handle the most challenging times with an open heart. Sending you strength.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I talked to separated AH. He was pretty vulnerable with me which I appreciate but it doesnt change anything. He said that he wants to help logistically but cannot do anything for me emotionally. He said he cannot be the man I need and support that a real husband could provide but he does care. He said that is why he changed his shifts to be more available if I need rides to or from treatments or to pick up kids, etc. He said he is not ready to face reality and knows he is not willing to do what it takes to get his life together.
Part of me feels like I need to put my pride down and just take the help because I need it. However, I dont know that I can be so vulnerable as to let him see me weak and doing things like changing my feeding tube knowing that he may or may not be discussing it with his mistress. I dont want her to know anything about my pain and struggles. She has caused so much drama in my life and we are separated so i have no say so. Its hard to be vulnerable with someone you do not trust. But how do you ever even redevelop trust just as co parents or friends for childs sake? Am i living in a fantasy world to think its possible to genuinely get along with active A?
I saw a remnant of the man he used to be but I have no misconceptions. I know I cannot count on him because he is not in any recovery program but do I have to push him away during this crucial time when our daughter needs support?
Part of me feels like I need to put my pride down and just take the help because I need it. However, I dont know that I can be so vulnerable as to let him see me weak and doing things like changing my feeding tube knowing that he may or may not be discussing it with his mistress. I dont want her to know anything about my pain and struggles. She has caused so much drama in my life and we are separated so i have no say so. Its hard to be vulnerable with someone you do not trust. But how do you ever even redevelop trust just as co parents or friends for childs sake? Am i living in a fantasy world to think its possible to genuinely get along with active A?
I saw a remnant of the man he used to be but I have no misconceptions. I know I cannot count on him because he is not in any recovery program but do I have to push him away during this crucial time when our daughter needs support?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
My experience with an AH was that he would be vulnerable and relational for a time and then the addict in him would suddenly rear up and smash away my hopes and my illusions that I could trust and count on him for anything.
It is important that you do not depend on your AH for anything which requires consistent commitment of time and presence. Anything which requires he be accountable on a regular basis. To do so will make you once again at the mercy of his erratic and unpredictable actions.
As well, on the days he is in his alcoholic funk, and in your presence, he is certain to lash out at you and say things which could send you into an emotional downward spiral, and for now during your treatments, it is important to protect your fragile emotions.
If I were faced with choosing between an alcoholic and a consistent home health aide and a consistent babysitter with a car and a consistent housekeeper, I would not choose the alcoholic.
I just think he's not on anybody's team right now, iamthird, but his own. His actions have proven he is not capable of dependable and consistent self-sacrifice. He just cannot be trusted for the important matters which require accountability and consistency.
It is important that you do not depend on your AH for anything which requires consistent commitment of time and presence. Anything which requires he be accountable on a regular basis. To do so will make you once again at the mercy of his erratic and unpredictable actions.
As well, on the days he is in his alcoholic funk, and in your presence, he is certain to lash out at you and say things which could send you into an emotional downward spiral, and for now during your treatments, it is important to protect your fragile emotions.
If I were faced with choosing between an alcoholic and a consistent home health aide and a consistent babysitter with a car and a consistent housekeeper, I would not choose the alcoholic.
I just think he's not on anybody's team right now, iamthird, but his own. His actions have proven he is not capable of dependable and consistent self-sacrifice. He just cannot be trusted for the important matters which require accountability and consistency.
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