Feeling stuck and very overwhelmed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Feeling stuck and very overwhelmed
This is my first post. I have been reading lots of stickies / posts for the past 2 weeks - they have all been very helpful.
I'm feeling stuck. My AH has been in recovery for 13 months and although I'm very grateful he is not drinking he has been, at times, a jerk (to put it nicely). I understand the first couple years of sobriety are tough. I get that. I've been going to Al Anon and it has been very helpful. I'm working on getting a sponsor and starting the steps.
There has been a lot going on with my AH and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. AH has been threatening me to go back to work and if I don't he'll divorce me. I understand this is his controlling/manipulative behavior. Now he is starting to manipulate our 14 yr old daughter against me. This I cannot take and I'm not sure what to do other than try to create happy, loving moments with my daughter. I have a 22 yr step daughter and AH turned her against me - anything nice I did he turned it into something bad. When we were first married he would support me as a parent then about 10 years ago he stopped. I realize that some of my behavior/reactions to the alcoholism contributed to the relationship.
I went to an attorney a couple days ago to understand my rights, etc. I would leave AH in a minute, however I'm not sure what the best thing for my daughter is. I know at age 14 divorce will be very hard on her and I keep telling myself to try to make things work for the next 4 years, until she graduates High school. I'm so confused on this -what to do?
AH and I are not able to communicate - its pretty much all through email. And, I'm hesistant to email because he is still nasty and blames me for pretty much everything. The past week I noticed he is trying - phone calls, text to just say hi, have a good day. I appreciate that. I sent him an email and told him that and also shared with him how I'm feeling. I shared with him how I feel, our marriage is broken, I don't trust him, I'm tired of threats of divorce, etc.
I also addressed some questions I had about other women he admitted he's talked to about our marriage. He claims he hasn't had an affair and that's he's apologized to me for talking to other women.
After a brief conversation and a few lengthy emails from him he's telling me he's done -our marriage is over. The crazy thing is that normally i would get all crazy, feel like my head is spinning and i'm not. I'm totally okay with the divorce thing. He tells me he's worried about $$ but I know what he's going to have to pay me and it's not going to be good for him. We've been married over 16 years and I have been a SAHM for over 10 years. I think he's using the threat of divorce to scare me / manipulate me. I'm not responding to it.
I'm not scared about getting divorced. I'm just concerned about the affect on my daughter.
Is this normal behavior 13 months into recovery for AH? It feels like he's also Bipolar. He's is just such a jerk at times. We have not been intimate for about a year in a half -my choice. I just don't feel close to him and when he treats me so badly I'm not going to be intimate.
I'm feeling very confused - I just want it all better. I'm SO tired and drained. It takes all my energy to get up and get dressed. I love to craft and I don't have the energy to do it. It hurts because I have not been the mom I want to be the past couple of years and it takes so much energy to just function. I know I have a lot of pain and anger and want so badly to be on the other side of that. I want to give my daughter the best.
I was always a strong, independent person. I realize I have lost myself and I'm slowly getting myself back. I guess I have just slipped back a little.
Sorry for the long post and I"m sured it's very scattered. Any advice, tips is much appreciated. : )
I'm feeling stuck. My AH has been in recovery for 13 months and although I'm very grateful he is not drinking he has been, at times, a jerk (to put it nicely). I understand the first couple years of sobriety are tough. I get that. I've been going to Al Anon and it has been very helpful. I'm working on getting a sponsor and starting the steps.
There has been a lot going on with my AH and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. AH has been threatening me to go back to work and if I don't he'll divorce me. I understand this is his controlling/manipulative behavior. Now he is starting to manipulate our 14 yr old daughter against me. This I cannot take and I'm not sure what to do other than try to create happy, loving moments with my daughter. I have a 22 yr step daughter and AH turned her against me - anything nice I did he turned it into something bad. When we were first married he would support me as a parent then about 10 years ago he stopped. I realize that some of my behavior/reactions to the alcoholism contributed to the relationship.
I went to an attorney a couple days ago to understand my rights, etc. I would leave AH in a minute, however I'm not sure what the best thing for my daughter is. I know at age 14 divorce will be very hard on her and I keep telling myself to try to make things work for the next 4 years, until she graduates High school. I'm so confused on this -what to do?
AH and I are not able to communicate - its pretty much all through email. And, I'm hesistant to email because he is still nasty and blames me for pretty much everything. The past week I noticed he is trying - phone calls, text to just say hi, have a good day. I appreciate that. I sent him an email and told him that and also shared with him how I'm feeling. I shared with him how I feel, our marriage is broken, I don't trust him, I'm tired of threats of divorce, etc.
I also addressed some questions I had about other women he admitted he's talked to about our marriage. He claims he hasn't had an affair and that's he's apologized to me for talking to other women.
After a brief conversation and a few lengthy emails from him he's telling me he's done -our marriage is over. The crazy thing is that normally i would get all crazy, feel like my head is spinning and i'm not. I'm totally okay with the divorce thing. He tells me he's worried about $$ but I know what he's going to have to pay me and it's not going to be good for him. We've been married over 16 years and I have been a SAHM for over 10 years. I think he's using the threat of divorce to scare me / manipulate me. I'm not responding to it.
I'm not scared about getting divorced. I'm just concerned about the affect on my daughter.
Is this normal behavior 13 months into recovery for AH? It feels like he's also Bipolar. He's is just such a jerk at times. We have not been intimate for about a year in a half -my choice. I just don't feel close to him and when he treats me so badly I'm not going to be intimate.
I'm feeling very confused - I just want it all better. I'm SO tired and drained. It takes all my energy to get up and get dressed. I love to craft and I don't have the energy to do it. It hurts because I have not been the mom I want to be the past couple of years and it takes so much energy to just function. I know I have a lot of pain and anger and want so badly to be on the other side of that. I want to give my daughter the best.
I was always a strong, independent person. I realize I have lost myself and I'm slowly getting myself back. I guess I have just slipped back a little.
Sorry for the long post and I"m sured it's very scattered. Any advice, tips is much appreciated. : )
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds to me as if both your husband and you want out of the marriage, and under those circumstances, to stay together for the sake of your daughter doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Tension in the home and unhappy parents are harder on kids than divorce is, I think.
You don't have to be Bipolar to act like a jerk. He may have a LOT more recovery work to do, and he may just be this way because he wants YOU to be done with the marriage as he is.
It's good that you talked to a lawyer. If you think you and your husband can work out a fair settlement, maybe it's best to see if you can do that. Both parties should always have their own lawyers to make sure they aren't shooting themselves in the foot, but you can save a lot of money and aggravation if you are able to work something out.
Your daughter will probably do much better once things settle into the new routine. If she seems terribly upset at the prospect of divorce, some counseling might be in order. But in all likelihood she will adjust--divorce is pretty common these days, so it's likely she has a lot of friends who have divorced parents. It doesn't have to be a disaster.
I was the one who wanted out of my first marriage--I liked my husband as a person, but did not want to remain married to him. After a period of adjustment (he had almost fifteen years of sobriety when we spit up), we cooperated very well in the co-parenting department, and we remain good friends. Not saying your relationship will be that "chummy" but it can still be civil and cooperative, perhaps.
You don't have to be Bipolar to act like a jerk. He may have a LOT more recovery work to do, and he may just be this way because he wants YOU to be done with the marriage as he is.
It's good that you talked to a lawyer. If you think you and your husband can work out a fair settlement, maybe it's best to see if you can do that. Both parties should always have their own lawyers to make sure they aren't shooting themselves in the foot, but you can save a lot of money and aggravation if you are able to work something out.
Your daughter will probably do much better once things settle into the new routine. If she seems terribly upset at the prospect of divorce, some counseling might be in order. But in all likelihood she will adjust--divorce is pretty common these days, so it's likely she has a lot of friends who have divorced parents. It doesn't have to be a disaster.
I was the one who wanted out of my first marriage--I liked my husband as a person, but did not want to remain married to him. After a period of adjustment (he had almost fifteen years of sobriety when we spit up), we cooperated very well in the co-parenting department, and we remain good friends. Not saying your relationship will be that "chummy" but it can still be civil and cooperative, perhaps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Lexie,
Thanks for the reply. I believe deep down that RAH doesn't want a divorce and he is unable to walk away himself and like you said, driving me away so I'll request the divorce.
I know a divorce would devastate my daughter. My daughter has two friends that have divorced parents - the majority of her friends do not have divorced parents. We live in a community where all our friends have done things together as families for close to 8 years. The adults are good friends and the kids are good friends.
I understand its not smart to stay in the marriage if it's not working. I just seems like RAH isn't trying to work on our relationship and it makes me wonder if he is working his program or not. I guess I just don't know what to really expect the first couple years of recovery. I have heard they can be pretty tough years and others from Al Anon have told me to hang in there and start working the steps. So, I guess that's what I need - to hear is what other's have experienced with their RAH the first couple years. Thanks!
Thanks for the reply. I believe deep down that RAH doesn't want a divorce and he is unable to walk away himself and like you said, driving me away so I'll request the divorce.
I know a divorce would devastate my daughter. My daughter has two friends that have divorced parents - the majority of her friends do not have divorced parents. We live in a community where all our friends have done things together as families for close to 8 years. The adults are good friends and the kids are good friends.
I understand its not smart to stay in the marriage if it's not working. I just seems like RAH isn't trying to work on our relationship and it makes me wonder if he is working his program or not. I guess I just don't know what to really expect the first couple years of recovery. I have heard they can be pretty tough years and others from Al Anon have told me to hang in there and start working the steps. So, I guess that's what I need - to hear is what other's have experienced with their RAH the first couple years. Thanks!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, my first husband reminded me just the other day when we were chatting on the phone, which we do a lot of (as I mentioned, we are good friends) and he reminded me of times during the first couple of years when I said, "Call X (his sponsor), tell him to take you to a meeting and not bring you back until you are fixed!"
The funny part is, I don't remember that particular statement, but I have no reason to doubt him. I probably DID say it on occasion.
My recollection of his first couple of years sober is that he would get very negative at times (he's still more of a natural pessimist than I am--he often calls me to get a more positive perspective on things), and overly worried about things. Communication skills took a long time to develop.
Have you considered marriage counseling? That can sometimes help if both parties want to remain in the relationship. If he is unwilling to do that, or says he is willing but just going through the motions (which can also happen), then I guess it depends on how unhappy you and/or your home life becomes.
Some marriages just don't make it through sobriety. It isn't that either person is necessarily doing anything wrong, it can simply be that once the fog has lifted other issues that maybe were masked by it can come up and make the marriage no longer viable. I wouldn't necessarily presume that someone having problems in his/her marriage isn't working his/her program of recovery. You can recover in all meaningful ways and still be unhappy in a marriage and behave in ways that reflect that.
The funny part is, I don't remember that particular statement, but I have no reason to doubt him. I probably DID say it on occasion.
My recollection of his first couple of years sober is that he would get very negative at times (he's still more of a natural pessimist than I am--he often calls me to get a more positive perspective on things), and overly worried about things. Communication skills took a long time to develop.
Have you considered marriage counseling? That can sometimes help if both parties want to remain in the relationship. If he is unwilling to do that, or says he is willing but just going through the motions (which can also happen), then I guess it depends on how unhappy you and/or your home life becomes.
Some marriages just don't make it through sobriety. It isn't that either person is necessarily doing anything wrong, it can simply be that once the fog has lifted other issues that maybe were masked by it can come up and make the marriage no longer viable. I wouldn't necessarily presume that someone having problems in his/her marriage isn't working his/her program of recovery. You can recover in all meaningful ways and still be unhappy in a marriage and behave in ways that reflect that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi CAgirl,
Anytime you can keep a healthy marriage together for the kids it can be a good thing... sometimes it is better to consider separation if the family home is very dysfunctional. This is where counseling for your child is recommended with a great therapist as the marriage we see modeling in our own home growing up is hard wired into our psyche.
As for your A what kind of program of action does his recovery consist of? If he is just abstaining that it is not necessarily recovery in the way many of us define it. Not picking up a drink is the easy part... it is the staying stopped that is difficult and dealing with the issues that are a core part of the alcoholic dysfunction to start with.
AA, doing the steps, Alanon, good marriage counseling with addiction specialists are a great start to seeing what there is to salvage and save. And time... time reveals more and more critical information about ourselves and relationships as they evolve.
If you are in the LA area I know of some really, really strong AA groups if your A is interested at all.
Anytime you can keep a healthy marriage together for the kids it can be a good thing... sometimes it is better to consider separation if the family home is very dysfunctional. This is where counseling for your child is recommended with a great therapist as the marriage we see modeling in our own home growing up is hard wired into our psyche.
As for your A what kind of program of action does his recovery consist of? If he is just abstaining that it is not necessarily recovery in the way many of us define it. Not picking up a drink is the easy part... it is the staying stopped that is difficult and dealing with the issues that are a core part of the alcoholic dysfunction to start with.
AA, doing the steps, Alanon, good marriage counseling with addiction specialists are a great start to seeing what there is to salvage and save. And time... time reveals more and more critical information about ourselves and relationships as they evolve.
If you are in the LA area I know of some really, really strong AA groups if your A is interested at all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If you would leave AH 'in a minute" I think they sums up where you are in this marriage. Personally, I am not an advocate of staying together for the kids. Children learn by example - is this the type of relationship you would want for your daughter? If the roles were reversed would you advise her to stay?
Since the two of you have not tried marriage counseling I strongly recommend it - it could be that you two just have been unable to adjust to your new roles in this sober marriage. Can't figure out how to cross the finish line so to speak. Its a win/win - you figure it out and stay together or you both decide its not fixable and (hopefully) move on amicably.
Since the two of you have not tried marriage counseling I strongly recommend it - it could be that you two just have been unable to adjust to your new roles in this sober marriage. Can't figure out how to cross the finish line so to speak. Its a win/win - you figure it out and stay together or you both decide its not fixable and (hopefully) move on amicably.
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