How to be polite and not have a drink - or what to do if you go to a bar with a bud?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5
How to be polite and not have a drink - or what to do if you go to a bar with a bud?
Here is the part that's hard for me. It's easy to tell all my old junkie friends that I'm done with it cause we're all ****** up and then you never see them or whatever.
But what do you do if you go to your wife's parents or are at the bar with a co-worker? I don't know how to handle these situations. I can't tell everyone I meet I'm an addict and I can't handle it. The'll think I'm ****** up.
But what do you do if you go to your wife's parents or are at the bar with a co-worker? I don't know how to handle these situations. I can't tell everyone I meet I'm an addict and I can't handle it. The'll think I'm ****** up.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I had to stay away from bars for a while - I needed to put clear distance between my old life and my new one.
In situations where alcohol was offered me - I finally worked out no thanks is all you need to say. You may feel like you need to offer an explanation but you really don't.
Most people could care less.
If you're not sure you could say no then it might be a bit soon to put yourself in those situations?
D
In situations where alcohol was offered me - I finally worked out no thanks is all you need to say. You may feel like you need to offer an explanation but you really don't.
Most people could care less.
If you're not sure you could say no then it might be a bit soon to put yourself in those situations?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by journ 
Here is the part that's hard for me. It's easy to tell all my old junkie friends that I'm done with it cause we're all ****** up and then you never see them or whatever.
But what do you do if you go to your wife's parents or are at the bar with a co-worker? I don't know how to handle these situations. I can't tell everyone I meet I'm an addict and I can't handle it. The'll think I'm ****** up.
But what do you do if you go to your wife's parents or are at the bar with a co-worker? I don't know how to handle these situations. I can't tell everyone I meet I'm an addict and I can't handle it. The'll think I'm ****** up.
If they think you're ****** up because you don't drink, they might need to consider their own habits carefully.
To a co-worker you say "I don't enjoy drinking" or simply "Sorry, I can't make it tonight." Especially if you are new to recovery the last place you need to be is in a bar.
To your in-laws you can say the same or just "No thank you. I'd love a soda."
If they press you just keep saying "No." Are they really unaware?
The only reason people press someone to drink is so they don't have to think about their own habits. Yes, there will be awkward situations but you'll learn to navigate those. Put yourself around good people that care about you and stay away from the rest.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Agree with the posts above. I've been in a similar situation recently and asked the same question.
Bottom line: Alcoholism WILL interfere with meeting people - whether they are friends, in laws, co-workers, etc - at bars. Sorry to say it, but that's part of the price you pay for sobriety. In the big scheme of things it's not that bad, really. I'll trade never going into a bar again in my life for a healthy, sober existence. Any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Good luck.
Bottom line: Alcoholism WILL interfere with meeting people - whether they are friends, in laws, co-workers, etc - at bars. Sorry to say it, but that's part of the price you pay for sobriety. In the big scheme of things it's not that bad, really. I'll trade never going into a bar again in my life for a healthy, sober existence. Any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
For me, I would not go to bars unless it was a specific work meeting or function that I had to attend. If that was the case, I would go early, order a diet coke or a sparkling water so that I was holding something in my hand, and I would leave early. Noone would notice.
As far as hanging out with old friends, I would only meet up with them during the day for a lunch at a public restaurant or non bar eatery.
If I would go to my in laws, I would decline a drink saying no thank you. If they would not respect my wishes and were more interested in drinking then socializing, I would make alternative arrangements for seeing my in laws, like perhaps meeting them for lunch at a restaurant or going with them to see a movie.
As far as hanging out with old friends, I would only meet up with them during the day for a lunch at a public restaurant or non bar eatery.
If I would go to my in laws, I would decline a drink saying no thank you. If they would not respect my wishes and were more interested in drinking then socializing, I would make alternative arrangements for seeing my in laws, like perhaps meeting them for lunch at a restaurant or going with them to see a movie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 82
Since I'm on day two I can't comment on your side of the coin, but I've been out with others many times and one or two of them might just order a 7-up or something and I've never seen anyone question them about it before. I've never really seen anyone pushed I guess.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
I have thought about this too, as most of my family & friends knew me as a drinker/partier.
I wondered if they would look at me weird. So far the only ones I have had to change plans on because I wasn't comfortable having lunch in a bar was with my sister & mother. Mother totally understood. Sister however didn't but she is a very heavy drinker & doesn't want to even admit she is an alcoholic & the fact that I need to be sober!
I wondered if they would look at me weird. So far the only ones I have had to change plans on because I wasn't comfortable having lunch in a bar was with my sister & mother. Mother totally understood. Sister however didn't but she is a very heavy drinker & doesn't want to even admit she is an alcoholic & the fact that I need to be sober!
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
No one cares if you drink or not. If they push you that is on them. Go in with a plan. take your own vehicle..have a plan to order a soda...sobreity is #1. It is your life and you have to deal with your own sobriety. This thing kills other people and it will kill yourself if you aren't serious about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5
I don't know even my own wife calls me boring if I tell her I don't want to drink lol. I'm with YouRmySunshine - everyone knows me as someone who loves to drink and party. Fewer know that I was in NA and really ****** up in the past. Even fewer know that I'm really starting to turn into a bad alcoholic. This is only day one for me in about a year. I looked at my bank statements and found that I spent a whopping $530 at the wine store, beer store and liquor store this month and $40 at a night out at the bar (after pre-drinking). Holy ****.
But yes thanks everyone for your advice. I guess the only one I really need to say much to is my wife.
But yes thanks everyone for your advice. I guess the only one I really need to say much to is my wife.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by journ
I don't know even my own wife calls me boring if I tell her I don't want to drink lol. I'm with YouRmySunshine - everyone knows me as someone who loves to drink and party. Fewer know that I was in NA and really ****** up in the past. Even fewer know that I'm really starting to turn into a bad alcoholic. This is only day one for me in about a year. I looked at my bank statements and found that I spent a whopping $530 at the wine store, beer store and liquor store this month and $40 at a night out at the bar (after pre-drinking). Holy ****.
But yes thanks everyone for your advice. I guess the only one I really need to say much to is my wife.
But yes thanks everyone for your advice. I guess the only one I really need to say much to is my wife.
Sorry you are dealing with this. Tough enough getting sober with out the one person who should be supporting you is doing the opposite.
Doing Business Since 11/3/2012
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,143
Been there a few times. Your post reads:
How to be polite and not have a drink...
When I have had to I have accepted that I just may not be able to be polite. Someone may think I'm a jerk. I may lose a friend. In my head I just hold on to that and remind myself what my number one priority is. It is not drinking, not 'being polite'.
How to be polite and not have a drink...
When I have had to I have accepted that I just may not be able to be polite. Someone may think I'm a jerk. I may lose a friend. In my head I just hold on to that and remind myself what my number one priority is. It is not drinking, not 'being polite'.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I was sort of like you in my family - I would drink at family gatherings and while I was jovial, I never got wasted or left reason for concern. It sounds like in your private life, much like me, you have a bigger problem than you have admitted to your friends. Do you think it might help to let some of your close family members know that you're not drinking right now? That way next time you get together with them, they'll already know you're alcohol-free and you won't have to deal with questions or pushiness, if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Here's a thought-
Even in my wild bartender days - when I considered myself a "professional" drinker... Can you believe that? A "professional" drinker!
Even in those days if someone tried to push a drink and I didn't want it - which actually happened sometimes - I made it very clear they were out of line.
I made it very clear that, as a professional drinker, a bartender, I knew the rules better than them and I called the shots when it came to what I drank.
That especially applied to family, friends and folks I worked with.
These days I cop the same attitude. Nobody tells me what to drink. Ever.
I've got enough experience screwing myself up - don't need any help.
Most folks really don't care - it's only the idiots that need to be straightened out.
Even in my wild bartender days - when I considered myself a "professional" drinker... Can you believe that? A "professional" drinker!
Even in those days if someone tried to push a drink and I didn't want it - which actually happened sometimes - I made it very clear they were out of line.
I made it very clear that, as a professional drinker, a bartender, I knew the rules better than them and I called the shots when it came to what I drank.
That especially applied to family, friends and folks I worked with.
These days I cop the same attitude. Nobody tells me what to drink. Ever.
I've got enough experience screwing myself up - don't need any help.
Most folks really don't care - it's only the idiots that need to be straightened out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
Originally Posted by journ
I don't know even my own wife calls me boring if I tell her I don't want to drink lol.
My husband used to tell me I was "old & No fun!" when I would go in the house early to get the kids to bed or what ever. If I didn't stay out & drink with our friends, they would give me total sh!t. But now we are separated & going through an ugly divorce that drinking keeps getting thrown in at all times he can use it to his advantage. I so wished I had just stayed the one in control, & not felt like I had to join in the party. It would have saved alot of heartache, years lost with my kids, & legal fees.
So go be "Boring & Sober" Embrace it
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I have never been a bar person...I just never cared for some loud drunks interfering with my drinking 
I drank alcoholically alone (only a handful of old friends know I am an alcoholic) but I feel that unless one works in a bar or has business to conduct in a bar, it's not a good idea for an alcoholic/addict to hang in there.
As far as social situations go, I am with Anna, you dont have to make any excuses just no thank you or not today is fine and most people will be ok...those trying to push booze on you probably have issues of their own and you might want to avoid them until you are more grounded.
I occasionally smoke pot but since I quit drinking, I decided to abstain from any mind altering substances etc. so I would not substitute one addiction for another.
Pot is legal in my State and on a few occasions this past months, some friends have offered me a toke. I just said no thanks and they did not bat an eye.
I drank alcoholically alone (only a handful of old friends know I am an alcoholic) but I feel that unless one works in a bar or has business to conduct in a bar, it's not a good idea for an alcoholic/addict to hang in there.
As far as social situations go, I am with Anna, you dont have to make any excuses just no thank you or not today is fine and most people will be ok...those trying to push booze on you probably have issues of their own and you might want to avoid them until you are more grounded.
I occasionally smoke pot but since I quit drinking, I decided to abstain from any mind altering substances etc. so I would not substitute one addiction for another.
Pot is legal in my State and on a few occasions this past months, some friends have offered me a toke. I just said no thanks and they did not bat an eye.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Some people prefer to go right back into drinking establishments in early sobriety to get the confrontation out of the way. While it works for a few, from my experience it is a very risky move in early sobriety.
The best way to tell people you don't want to drink is to simply say "no, thanks." If they push beyond that (and most will not), then they are now being rude and it is OK to do what is necessary to protect your sobriety.
I have found that when someone says "you're boring" it is more correctly interpreted as "I'm boring or bored". That's their problem, not yours, although it can be a painful cut. I occasionally look of the List of Teetotalers on Wikipedia to see a long list of exciting people who do not drink. Drinking and getting drunk is the boring cliche, sobriety is the exciting and unique path.
The best way to tell people you don't want to drink is to simply say "no, thanks." If they push beyond that (and most will not), then they are now being rude and it is OK to do what is necessary to protect your sobriety.
I have found that when someone says "you're boring" it is more correctly interpreted as "I'm boring or bored". That's their problem, not yours, although it can be a painful cut. I occasionally look of the List of Teetotalers on Wikipedia to see a long list of exciting people who do not drink. Drinking and getting drunk is the boring cliche, sobriety is the exciting and unique path.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I don't have a problem being in a bar, nor did I even when I first quit. I'm a non-drinker, so it doesn't matter where I go. That's just how it is for me though. I don't hang at dive bars where the only activity is drinking, but not because I think I would be tempted. I wouldn't go there for the same reason I wouldn't go to the monthly meeting of the extreme couponers...both would bore the sh*t out of me. I'm not interested in either. Pass, thanks.
You know, people forget that lots of people in this world who have never ever had an addiction choose not to drink. Many "normal" people think drinking is expensive, full of empty calories, and something that makes uninteresting people mistakenly believe that they are, in fact, interesting. It's not something that everyone does.
Hands down, the very coolest people I know are non-drinkers.
You know, people forget that lots of people in this world who have never ever had an addiction choose not to drink. Many "normal" people think drinking is expensive, full of empty calories, and something that makes uninteresting people mistakenly believe that they are, in fact, interesting. It's not something that everyone does.
Hands down, the very coolest people I know are non-drinkers.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I've gone to our local bar (which is more like someone's family room lol) since the beginning. I said things like "I needed a break, it was kicking my ass" or "not tonight thanks" or "the last thing I need is a drink" or "I'm on the wagon, health kick", etc. Literally the only people who even questioned me were the people I know also have a problem with drinking. I agree with people who said it's no one's business too. If I went out with a group of people I didn't know well I would just order soda or ice tea with no reason given why I'm not drinking alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
I know of people who are/will/would be shocked that I no longer drink. At the same time, I can't imagine any of them not being anything but supportive and I of them if they chose to do the same.
No questions, just have a nice club soda with a lime or an ice tea in a rocks glass. Some of them know that it was time to stop, others might ask me why, I will be truthful with them to a point depending on who they are.
Good luck and peace be with you!
No questions, just have a nice club soda with a lime or an ice tea in a rocks glass. Some of them know that it was time to stop, others might ask me why, I will be truthful with them to a point depending on who they are.
Good luck and peace be with you!
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