AH out of home; feeling sad and aimless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 49
AH out of home; feeling sad and aimless
I'm feeling so blah since my husband left the house after our separation a few days ago. I was so frustrated and fed up and hardened against him and now I am sad and having a hard time getting things done. I didn't know what to expect after he moved out, how long the relief would last and when the sadness would set in.
I engaged in some very minor retail therapy. But I still know that this is a form of medication/distraction for me and not really getting to the issue.
My time is feeling shapeless, for lack of a better word. Without orienting towards him or against him, or away from him, it's like I don't know how to structure myself.
I don't want to get back together. I know it would be the same ongoing disaster. I think I might be grieving the dream of "us." Sad even if it wasn't really real. I feel like I'm swimming through the air.
Does anyone have any experience with parting with an alcoholic SO? How does this go? It's been so long for me since I've had to do anything like this. Can you cheer me up a little? How do I stop feeling like I'm wandering schlumpily and start walking forward? I'm having trouble putting one foot in front of the other. I feel like turning away and not facing the everyday things I have to get done.
I hope this isn't a stupid post; I am feeling like I don't know where to turn to exactly.
I engaged in some very minor retail therapy. But I still know that this is a form of medication/distraction for me and not really getting to the issue.
My time is feeling shapeless, for lack of a better word. Without orienting towards him or against him, or away from him, it's like I don't know how to structure myself.
I don't want to get back together. I know it would be the same ongoing disaster. I think I might be grieving the dream of "us." Sad even if it wasn't really real. I feel like I'm swimming through the air.
Does anyone have any experience with parting with an alcoholic SO? How does this go? It's been so long for me since I've had to do anything like this. Can you cheer me up a little? How do I stop feeling like I'm wandering schlumpily and start walking forward? I'm having trouble putting one foot in front of the other. I feel like turning away and not facing the everyday things I have to get done.
I hope this isn't a stupid post; I am feeling like I don't know where to turn to exactly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Your post is not stupid.
I have been separated from AH for 9 months now and it has been a roller coaster. The best thing I did was join this forum, go to Alanon and counseling...take things day by day. Be kind to yourself. You need to start to heal...just remember that you deserve to be loved and treasured and it starts with you.
Hugs to you!
I have been separated from AH for 9 months now and it has been a roller coaster. The best thing I did was join this forum, go to Alanon and counseling...take things day by day. Be kind to yourself. You need to start to heal...just remember that you deserve to be loved and treasured and it starts with you.
Hugs to you!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I felt very similar. For me, It was like giving up my own addiction too. The peace and calm was almost unnerving.
Now is YOUR time to work on you. It is so well worth it. I struggled with it at first, but then I really started to understand the changes I needed to make within and for me.
I have had setbacks and relapses too but when there is a break though, it really gets me more motivated.
Now is YOUR time to work on you. It is so well worth it. I struggled with it at first, but then I really started to understand the changes I needed to make within and for me.
I have had setbacks and relapses too but when there is a break though, it really gets me more motivated.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I spent the first six months after separating constantly worried about him.
I did Al-Anon almost daily, read a ton of books on addiction (which was my own little addiction for awhile), therapy, etc. I also did a ton of sleeping/not sleeping, not eating, watching a lot of TV series on Netflix and not getting much done at work.
I have to be honest, trying to rush through it just made it worse. Then I was judging how bad I already felt.
One thing that did help during that time was re-learning the grief cycle. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. I went through it at least once (minus acceptance) in the first year and am in the process of it again (without the denial). Looking back I was not only learning about addiction, about me in the face of addiction, but was grieving a lot of things.
Take good care of you. That was a really big lesson for me to learn.
I did Al-Anon almost daily, read a ton of books on addiction (which was my own little addiction for awhile), therapy, etc. I also did a ton of sleeping/not sleeping, not eating, watching a lot of TV series on Netflix and not getting much done at work.
I have to be honest, trying to rush through it just made it worse. Then I was judging how bad I already felt.
One thing that did help during that time was re-learning the grief cycle. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. I went through it at least once (minus acceptance) in the first year and am in the process of it again (without the denial). Looking back I was not only learning about addiction, about me in the face of addiction, but was grieving a lot of things.
Take good care of you. That was a really big lesson for me to learn.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"Wandering schlumpily"--I like that, very descriptive! My mom used to say certain thing are like banging your head against a wall because it feels so good when you stop. And there IS that sense of immediate relief, and then, yes, the "so what do I do with myself NOW?"
After the separation from my second husband, I unfortunately got busy looking for someone new to get involved with. Bad, BAD idea. I wound up wasting another five years of my life in a very unhealthy relationship.
Since my breakup with this other guy, I realized I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted or liked any more. I spent a couple of years drinking (another bad solution) and finally, since I got sober, I have been slowly building a great life for myself.
My suggestion is that you accept that you are going to feel "schlumpy" and at loose ends for a while. You don't need to rush to change how you are feeling (I think that was my mistake--a new relationship, or drinking, were just ways of avoiding dealing with myself). Let yourself be. Gradually dabble in things that you, yourself, enjoy or maybe never had time for with all the drama.
Life happens a day at a time. Everything doesn't have to be "fixed" immediately. It will come together if you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
After the separation from my second husband, I unfortunately got busy looking for someone new to get involved with. Bad, BAD idea. I wound up wasting another five years of my life in a very unhealthy relationship.
Since my breakup with this other guy, I realized I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted or liked any more. I spent a couple of years drinking (another bad solution) and finally, since I got sober, I have been slowly building a great life for myself.
My suggestion is that you accept that you are going to feel "schlumpy" and at loose ends for a while. You don't need to rush to change how you are feeling (I think that was my mistake--a new relationship, or drinking, were just ways of avoiding dealing with myself). Let yourself be. Gradually dabble in things that you, yourself, enjoy or maybe never had time for with all the drama.
Life happens a day at a time. Everything doesn't have to be "fixed" immediately. It will come together if you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You have made a huge change in your life and its going to take some time to get used to.
Regardless of past routine not being pleasant living with your A husband, a routine is a routine and it has been interrupted. Very normal not to know what to do with yourself.
Time is what it takes and it can't be rushed as Lexie said. My suggestion is to allow yourself a little time not to approach those daily tasks but not much. You can start walking forward by managing your own life, don't let bills go unpaid, house go uncleaned, and normal things that you would take care of go......it can become a mountain to climb before you know it if you let those things fall to wayside.
For me in times like this I have to keep myself busy. I get insomnia when I am upset in my last break up it was terrible. I woke at about 1:30 am every night and stared in space ...the silence of the house was deafening. So I started redecorating my house. I would work from 1:30 till about 5 when I would fall asleep very tired. I remember when i finished painting my great room and walked out to see it in daylight and smiled and for a brief moment forgot 100% about my ex, and my pain, and was just happy.
I also relied on my friends - I have some wonderful friends. They weren't overbearing or pushy - talking about their lives and issues was a distraction from my own.
You will get through it and will start to see glimmers of happiness in a short time. Wishing you peace and ((((hugs))))!
Regardless of past routine not being pleasant living with your A husband, a routine is a routine and it has been interrupted. Very normal not to know what to do with yourself.
Time is what it takes and it can't be rushed as Lexie said. My suggestion is to allow yourself a little time not to approach those daily tasks but not much. You can start walking forward by managing your own life, don't let bills go unpaid, house go uncleaned, and normal things that you would take care of go......it can become a mountain to climb before you know it if you let those things fall to wayside.
For me in times like this I have to keep myself busy. I get insomnia when I am upset in my last break up it was terrible. I woke at about 1:30 am every night and stared in space ...the silence of the house was deafening. So I started redecorating my house. I would work from 1:30 till about 5 when I would fall asleep very tired. I remember when i finished painting my great room and walked out to see it in daylight and smiled and for a brief moment forgot 100% about my ex, and my pain, and was just happy.
I also relied on my friends - I have some wonderful friends. They weren't overbearing or pushy - talking about their lives and issues was a distraction from my own.
You will get through it and will start to see glimmers of happiness in a short time. Wishing you peace and ((((hugs))))!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 33
Boy I know how you feel. I am also feeling un-motivated by my new found separation. I am a competitive athelete, and have managed to get a few workouts in, but all in all, getting through a day is tough. I also know this is the right move for now, but have occassional thoughts like, why am i making these changes? He gets it now, maybe im being too over-reactive, etc. Or, I wake up in the morning and his side of the bed is empty and Im confused. Every morning I have to remember what happened. It sucks for sure. I wonder if there is an Al-Anon meeting in your area? For me, it was something to shape my day around, and it gave me support so it was a win win. Hang in there, and you are not alone!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I like the descriptive words you used. Very accurate! I recognize those feelings.
For me, I was accustomed to focusing on my alcoholic. Day-in, Day-out for 14 years of marriage. It was what I was comfortable with doing.
Removing my alcoholic focal point, left me with myself to focus on ~ and that was uncomfortable. Just as I had expectations for my alcoholic, I had expectations for myself (what I should feel, what I should do, etc).
Today, I understand it is enough to recognize that a situation is uncomfortable. I don't have to react, respond or fix the situation immediately; it is okay to sit with it and accept it as being uncomfortable. Progress.
You are going to be okay!
Sending you (((hugs))) and support.
For me, I was accustomed to focusing on my alcoholic. Day-in, Day-out for 14 years of marriage. It was what I was comfortable with doing.
Removing my alcoholic focal point, left me with myself to focus on ~ and that was uncomfortable. Just as I had expectations for my alcoholic, I had expectations for myself (what I should feel, what I should do, etc).
Today, I understand it is enough to recognize that a situation is uncomfortable. I don't have to react, respond or fix the situation immediately; it is okay to sit with it and accept it as being uncomfortable. Progress.
You are going to be okay!
Sending you (((hugs))) and support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My suggestion is to allow yourself a little time not to approach those daily tasks but not much. You can start walking forward by managing your own life, don't let bills go unpaid, house go uncleaned, and normal things that you would take care of go......it can become a mountain to climb before you know it if you let those things fall to wayside.
For me in times like this I have to keep myself busy. I get insomnia when I am upset in my last break up it was terrible. I woke at about 1:30 am every night and stared in space ...the silence of the house was deafening. So I started redecorating my house. I would work from 1:30 till about 5 when I would fall asleep very tired. I remember when i finished painting my great room and walked out to see it in daylight and smiled and for a brief moment forgot 100% about my ex, and my pain, and was just happy.
For me in times like this I have to keep myself busy. I get insomnia when I am upset in my last break up it was terrible. I woke at about 1:30 am every night and stared in space ...the silence of the house was deafening. So I started redecorating my house. I would work from 1:30 till about 5 when I would fall asleep very tired. I remember when i finished painting my great room and walked out to see it in daylight and smiled and for a brief moment forgot 100% about my ex, and my pain, and was just happy.
Sometimes getting through the day is tough. Sometimes it's lonely and I'm overwhelmed with everything on my plate. That's normal, this is a huge transition, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, even if it's a long way away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Kale it is very hard. You are doing through a withdrawal of sorts. Be kind to yourself. Things that helped me:
1. Journal - I wrote a journal about my feelings, both good and bad
2. Make a list of things you like and do one from that list regularly
3. Mourn - it is healthy to grieve, even if you are grieving a fantasy. Set a time and give yourself 15 min. then stop and do something else
4. reconnect with your friends
The focus needs to shift on taking care of you. That is hard for most of us. It gets better with time and NC.
1. Journal - I wrote a journal about my feelings, both good and bad
2. Make a list of things you like and do one from that list regularly
3. Mourn - it is healthy to grieve, even if you are grieving a fantasy. Set a time and give yourself 15 min. then stop and do something else
4. reconnect with your friends
The focus needs to shift on taking care of you. That is hard for most of us. It gets better with time and NC.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
(((((((Kale)))))))
You've been given some great tips here. I don't have much to add. My STBAXH separated 8 months ago. I wandered, stared into space, watched too much TV and spent WAY too much time worrying about him.
Looking back, here are some things that helped me:
At some point, I bought "Codependent No More" and would read a page here and there. ( Gradual self examination)
I started reading a lot on this forum and then started posting.
I visited with my own therapist.
I took really long hot showers ...I think really well there for some reason.
Another thing, was giving myself small goals to get something done. It's amazing how good getting one thing done can feel.....Like cleaning out a sock drawer.
Sweetie, it does get better. You will soon appreciate the peace in your life without the chaos that comes with living with an A.
You have been through a tough time...and it will take time. Give yourself that gift of time to heal and take care of yourself.
Hugs,
MamaKit
You've been given some great tips here. I don't have much to add. My STBAXH separated 8 months ago. I wandered, stared into space, watched too much TV and spent WAY too much time worrying about him.
Looking back, here are some things that helped me:
At some point, I bought "Codependent No More" and would read a page here and there. ( Gradual self examination)
I started reading a lot on this forum and then started posting.
I visited with my own therapist.
I took really long hot showers ...I think really well there for some reason.
Another thing, was giving myself small goals to get something done. It's amazing how good getting one thing done can feel.....Like cleaning out a sock drawer.
Sweetie, it does get better. You will soon appreciate the peace in your life without the chaos that comes with living with an A.
You have been through a tough time...and it will take time. Give yourself that gift of time to heal and take care of yourself.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Lots of good posts with great experience. I just wanted to add, I totally hear what you are saying and have been there. Giving myself time to feel this way, helped me move forward.
What helped me when I was really bad was the alanon daily readers. At first I would randomly flip through and read several pages, then after a while of that I would look at the index and read a page on a particular topic. Finally after about 6 months, I started reading a page a day and reflecting on it and using whatever it said and apply it to my day. It ended up that I read a page a day from 4 of the daily readers but hey it takes a lot for stuff to sink in for me. I did this for another 6 months and now I refer to them occassionally.
Along with this I also went to alanon and meditated, counseling and other stuff. I feel so much at peace now.
Others are much more eloquent in framing their recovery but I just wanted to give you my experience in the beginning.
Take care of yourself.
Sue
What helped me when I was really bad was the alanon daily readers. At first I would randomly flip through and read several pages, then after a while of that I would look at the index and read a page on a particular topic. Finally after about 6 months, I started reading a page a day and reflecting on it and using whatever it said and apply it to my day. It ended up that I read a page a day from 4 of the daily readers but hey it takes a lot for stuff to sink in for me. I did this for another 6 months and now I refer to them occassionally.
Along with this I also went to alanon and meditated, counseling and other stuff. I feel so much at peace now.
Others are much more eloquent in framing their recovery but I just wanted to give you my experience in the beginning.
Take care of yourself.
Sue
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bethany, Ok
Posts: 42
I never realized so many was in the same boat. I haven't talked to my EAH in almost two weeks, I feel like I am loosing my mind. No, I cant go back to him, but I just want to know if he is ok. I felt a month ago I would be the happiest person in the world if he was out of my life, and now I feel like I am empty inside. He got in some trouble and I know his dad knows where he is, but he sure won't tell me. But my EAH is almost 50 years old, I need to realize he could call me if he wanted to bad enough. I am still so amazed how so many of us hurt in the same way. We have to pray for each other, I know it will get better for us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 49
Yup, I thought I would be finally happy when he was gone. I am sometimes, and other times I slip into this place of almost afraid, almost grieving, not normal. I feel like going to sleep to shut it out. It was harder today because I had a conversation with someone that made it seem almost within reach that AH would heal himself. Almost within reach that we might have something. And it really hurts. Not enough to sob like crazy, but enough to ride around in my chest and throat, aching and aching.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry for the way you're feeling.
It is very common.
When I left Abf I had to try to focus on just getting through one hour at a time & then work my way up to one day at a time.
You are going through a grief process. Don't try to fight any of it, just let the emotion wash over you.
It's great that you recognise "it's a dream lost" you're grieving for.
Keep posting if it helps as we are all here for you.
Hugs.
It is very common.
When I left Abf I had to try to focus on just getting through one hour at a time & then work my way up to one day at a time.
You are going through a grief process. Don't try to fight any of it, just let the emotion wash over you.
It's great that you recognise "it's a dream lost" you're grieving for.
Keep posting if it helps as we are all here for you.
Hugs.
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