elderine

I've been drinking again for the last couple of months. I was making all sorts of lame excuses, e.g., it's the holidays, I want to be social, etc. I've proved to myself yet again that moderate drinking is just not my thing. The last couple months have been filled with near-daily heavy drinking and an ongoing mental fogginess. There have been at least three humiliating/dangerous blackout incidents during this time, and although these don't topple my all-time drinking lows, it's harder and harder for me to justify that kind of behavior.

What I miss most about sobriety is feeling like i know who I am and what I want from my life. I've been trying to switch careers for years now and can't seem to figure out which direction to take. I've only recently begun to realize that drinking has taken away my ability to think clearly, even when sober, to know who I am, and therefore to actually figure out what I want. I know that there's no way I can be happy, or even know who I am, until I stop this madness.

So here I am on day 2 again. I'm frustrated with myself but all I can do is keep trying. This time I'm going to get a sponsor at AA and avoid all bars/booze parties for at least a month, until I'm a little more stable in sobriety.

Thanks for reading. I've found a lot of support here at SR before, and posting here makes my own resolve seem more real.

doggonecarl

That's day 2, unclear thinking. Give yourself a nice long break from bars and booze parties and work on your recovery. I think you'll up your odds of success.

soberclover

Awesome on your commitment to get sober! I am a little shy of three months; this is my second round of recovery. The first time I was sober for 13 years. I followed that with an eight year relapse. Now I have almost three months. What I learned LAST time as well as THIS time is that a bar or any heavy drinking atmosphere is not the place for me to be. I am a hardcore alcoholic. Those are not environments I belong in; no matter how much time I have put together.

MattyB

Dump the excuses. It sounds like you are in hesitation mode. Yes, it is extremely scary thing, trying to decision a life direction because we have certain fears such as failure or the unknown, but if you cant even make the decision to stop drinking and become a non drinker, how can you expect to make LIFE decisions? If youd like to choose life, then when things get more clear, it would give you the power to focus on a compelling future. Its important to realize that no matter what happens, people never become happy with what they do or have but WHO THEY BECOME. Asking yourself "What will make me more happy, more fulfilled, and more free than anything else on this earth? What can I see myself doing 5, 10, 20 years down the road and love every minute of it? Your future, your success, your happiness are already there, but that comes with a simple decision to cut yourself off from endulging in excuses and never going back to behaviors that arent true to yourself. You know what the next step is, no matter how scary it is and it starts with deciding to take it.

elderine

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

This is definitely true of me. It almost feels at this point like a fantasy - that I could hang out and watch my friends drink while remaining sober - much like the fantasy that I could drink moderately. Maybe someday sober bar time will be an option, but I'm nowhere near that place now and I need to be firm on that. I guess I've known other alcoholics who seemingly feel no temptation in bar situations, but clearly they are in a different place than I am....

bigsombrero

Completely agree. You are already trying to figure out when you can get back into that culture - your alcoholic mind is tricking you! Starting a countdown is just a way for you to let that devil to sit on your shoulder even longer. Get rid of it! There is life outside of bars and happy-hours, trust me!

That said, terrific to hear you're being proactive here. Keep it up!

instant

Great that you are back. Mental and emotional functioning continues to improve for me at 22 months. Life is better sober- no question

Dee74

welcome back Elderine

D

Zebra1275

I had something great happen to me a few days ago, and it occurred to me that, that would never have happened if I was still drinking. The benefits of sobriety pop up unexpectedly from time to time, and it's nice to be present to enjoy them.

I've found that the benefits of sobriety beat the hell out of being drunk. I think that AA can help you get and stay sober, it helped me. Good luck.

needtostop1

I am on day one after starting up on drinking heavily, again. I too, made excuses.... and I woke up this morning and realized it helps me sleep and not think about life, but I am sick and tired of my mornings... the constant drinking water, advil, anxiety, fast heart beats all day until I start a-drinking again. You can do this!

elderine

This sounds like it was lifted from my diary entry yesterday! I'm glad you're back on board. We can do this, we have to.

YouRmySunshine

Welcome back! Start with a plan, a simple one at first. But for the next 24 hours stay sober & look for a meeting. ~Peace!

needtostop1

yes we can!!!!!!!

Ptcapote

I feel you, Elderine. I am on day two after almost six weeks and I fell into the same trap of thinking I could "handle it" hanging out with friends who still drink or attending happy hours. Like MattyB said, it was an excuse to prolong taking the firm decision to not only abstain myself, but abstain from others who were drinkers and make a committment to really stopping. This has been a very trying process as, being an alcoholic for any length of time makes you discover just how many others there are in your life. It stills scares the crap out of me but after my last relapse, I know that there is no way I can be around other drinkers or the bar scene for a...well, maybe never. The timing thing doesn't work---all that does is knowing firmly that you certainly cannot be today. I also half-assed the AA sponsor thing because I thought I could handle it on my own and still be a normal person around other drinkers. I am not. I am a drunk. Not a moderate one and not a even high-functioning one---just a drunk. Labels and timing just prolonged the inevitable in my case. Maybe not for you or everyone, but definitely for me. So today I am just accepting that I am a drunk and cannot be around alcohol in any way, shape or form. And going to get the help I need to stop half-assing it. Sobriety was not easy but it definitely felt a hell of a lot better than I did returning to drinking last week and how I felt yesterday morning. Day Two. Again Good luck, you can do it!

elderine

[QUOTE=Ptcapote;3817762] being an alcoholic for any length of time makes you discover just how many others there are in your life. ]

Yes! Well said. This is absolutely one of the most difficult parts of quitting, for me and I'm sure many others. It feels so lonely at first - hence the greatness of AA and SR. My hope is that I can make some new sober friends in my area in AA, because right now I don't have any.

Good luck! We can do this!

Coldfusion

Elderine, drinking was not social for me--my wife and I drank at home in isolation. But now we are making friends through AA.

We have a two-page phone list of people I can call if I am feeling down, and just knowing they are there gives me peace of mind. And I actually used the phone list the other day, because I needed help with my chimney and I gave advice on floating floors. Hey. all those things affect our sobriety!