what early recovery feels like
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
what early recovery feels like
At least for me. I mean really, I feel like Im going through the motions...
" When will my life begin?"
Mandy Moore, Disneys Tangled
Seven A.M., the usual morning line-up
Start on the chores, and sweep 'til the floor's are clean
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up
Sweep again
And by then It's, like, seven fifteen
And so I'll read a book Or maybe 2 or 3
Ill add a few new paintings To my gallery
I'll play guitar and knit and cook
And basically
Just wonder, when will my life begin?
Then, after lunch, it's puzzles, and darts, and baking...
Paper-mache, a bit of ballet, and chess....
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle-making...
Then I'll stretch
Maybe sketch
Take a climb
Sew a dress
And I'll re-read the books
If I have time to spare
I'll paint the wall some more
I'm sure there's room somewhere
And then I'll brush, and brush And brush, and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I've always been
And I'll keep wondrin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
When will my life begin?
on days like today, even though I am "working on me" I feel like she does. Im trying to be productive, but I feel stuck still...
" When will my life begin?"
Mandy Moore, Disneys Tangled
Seven A.M., the usual morning line-up
Start on the chores, and sweep 'til the floor's are clean
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up
Sweep again
And by then It's, like, seven fifteen
And so I'll read a book Or maybe 2 or 3
Ill add a few new paintings To my gallery
I'll play guitar and knit and cook
And basically
Just wonder, when will my life begin?
Then, after lunch, it's puzzles, and darts, and baking...
Paper-mache, a bit of ballet, and chess....
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle-making...
Then I'll stretch
Maybe sketch
Take a climb
Sew a dress
And I'll re-read the books
If I have time to spare
I'll paint the wall some more
I'm sure there's room somewhere
And then I'll brush, and brush And brush, and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I've always been
And I'll keep wondrin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
When will my life begin?
on days like today, even though I am "working on me" I feel like she does. Im trying to be productive, but I feel stuck still...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Keep working it. Those words ring very true for me in the early phases of my recovery. I'm happy to say that my life began when I started living it. When my life became a priory for me. When my desire to laugh became greater than my need to cry. When I finally let go of the outcome and decided to enjoy unwrapping the gift of each day rather than tearing through imagined packages of the future or crying over the torn wrappings of yesterdays packages. That's when my life began.
gentle hugs
ke
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
commenting here because I don't want to repost, but Im feeling this way again today, and yesterday, and the day before that. "left right left right" to quote Dolly. I think I can I think I can... just keeping on keeping on. I still am staying strong in the no phone calls. I am not going back to visit for about a week. I'm finding this minimal contact is good for me. Im glad though that he is still sober. I reread my journal last night and I actually started writing about myself about a month ago, instead of all about him. I went back and made editors notes like "no girl he was lying... umm he didn't call because he was using... he stood you up because he wanted to get high... lie... lie... lie ... Oh no! you didn't believe him did you!?!?!" it was very healing. But still I feel like Im faking it. Meetings, work, the kids, housework... Its all just a blur.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Its all just a blur.
life is just a blur, hon! it goes by quick! we all have stuff - laundry, shopping, sweeping, mopping, cooking, resting, homework, soccer practice, low tire pressure indicator on the car, emails, commutes, work, bills, annual check ups, colds, toilets to scrub, dishes, windows, viruses on our computers, headaches, middle of the night leg cramps, taxes, workouts, pets that demand attention and food, lawns to mow, weeds to pull, cars to maintain, gas prices, socks with holes in the sole, periods, diminishing eye sight, running out of toilet paper, telemarketer calls, unexpected snow storms, power outages...
it's all life. we can either embrace it and live it fully or try to dodge it. it happens because LIFE happens.
life is just a blur, hon! it goes by quick! we all have stuff - laundry, shopping, sweeping, mopping, cooking, resting, homework, soccer practice, low tire pressure indicator on the car, emails, commutes, work, bills, annual check ups, colds, toilets to scrub, dishes, windows, viruses on our computers, headaches, middle of the night leg cramps, taxes, workouts, pets that demand attention and food, lawns to mow, weeds to pull, cars to maintain, gas prices, socks with holes in the sole, periods, diminishing eye sight, running out of toilet paper, telemarketer calls, unexpected snow storms, power outages...
it's all life. we can either embrace it and live it fully or try to dodge it. it happens because LIFE happens.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I love your list! well... if that's just the way it is then I would rather have a list like yours and mine than
crying
worrying
laying in bed depressed
shouting
more crying
more worrying
anger
fighting
yelling
trying to pick out the truth from lies
lying to cover up his screw ups
sleepless nights
being stood up
being lied to
being used
not getting anything productive done
neglecting the kids emotionally
neglecting myself
living in fear
having false hope
questioning my faith
these are all the things I found in my journal when I was in my active codependency. I was so pissed off at myself when reading my journal I slammed it shut and threw it at the wall. some might say I could be angry at him, sure, I get that... but I was the one who allowed it, I was the one who kept coming back for more. I was the one who gave him a shoulder to cry on when he would use and "felt so bad about it" I was the one who ugh.... sorry... venting... ok, I think Im done ranting about myself now
but I don't ever want to be that codie monster again. screw that. there is no happiness to be found in trying to fix or cure addiction, only failure.
crying
worrying
laying in bed depressed
shouting
more crying
more worrying
anger
fighting
yelling
trying to pick out the truth from lies
lying to cover up his screw ups
sleepless nights
being stood up
being lied to
being used
not getting anything productive done
neglecting the kids emotionally
neglecting myself
living in fear
having false hope
questioning my faith
these are all the things I found in my journal when I was in my active codependency. I was so pissed off at myself when reading my journal I slammed it shut and threw it at the wall. some might say I could be angry at him, sure, I get that... but I was the one who allowed it, I was the one who kept coming back for more. I was the one who gave him a shoulder to cry on when he would use and "felt so bad about it" I was the one who ugh.... sorry... venting... ok, I think Im done ranting about myself now
but I don't ever want to be that codie monster again. screw that. there is no happiness to be found in trying to fix or cure addiction, only failure.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
here I am again. back at square one. Feeling like Im not done. Feeling like I want him back. Feeling like I can give him another chance. Feeling like everything will be ok.
telling myself to just get over it.
angry that Im not done. I still want to play the game and make the same mistakes over and over again.
just a moment of weakness I suppose. or hopeful fantasy.
I am smuggling with giving him to God. I take him back and wrestle with it mentally.
I don't want to be alone.
I actually want him back.
I regret what I have said and the boundary I have laid.
I don't want to be strong.
I just want to lie down and be a doormat.
I can't let go.
I can't move on.
I just want him to be ok.
I would give anything to be able to fix this.
I am not showing any kind of recovery in these words.
maybe only in my actions of not engaging with him.
I still feel like I am a prize to be won.
I still feel like if he gets clean I will go back.
I still have fear.
I still want my happy ending.
I still want to do anything and everything I can to encourage recovery.
I am still in pain.
I wish that none of this had ever happened.
he showed up to church last night and sat down next to me. I was polite. He said all of the I know Im sorry isn't enough. I know that this is between me and god. I know that you love me.I want you to know I love you.
.
I told him it was nice to see him but I didn't want to talk about it. I hoped he had a nice night. and I came home.
telling myself to just get over it.
angry that Im not done. I still want to play the game and make the same mistakes over and over again.
just a moment of weakness I suppose. or hopeful fantasy.
I am smuggling with giving him to God. I take him back and wrestle with it mentally.
I don't want to be alone.
I actually want him back.
I regret what I have said and the boundary I have laid.
I don't want to be strong.
I just want to lie down and be a doormat.
I can't let go.
I can't move on.
I just want him to be ok.
I would give anything to be able to fix this.
I am not showing any kind of recovery in these words.
maybe only in my actions of not engaging with him.
I still feel like I am a prize to be won.
I still feel like if he gets clean I will go back.
I still have fear.
I still want my happy ending.
I still want to do anything and everything I can to encourage recovery.
I am still in pain.
I wish that none of this had ever happened.
he showed up to church last night and sat down next to me. I was polite. He said all of the I know Im sorry isn't enough. I know that this is between me and god. I know that you love me.I want you to know I love you.
.
I told him it was nice to see him but I didn't want to talk about it. I hoped he had a nice night. and I came home.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
It is HARD! ((hugs))
I like reading about your strength last night when he sat down next to you and started saying all the sorry stuff. You were very clear in not wanting to talk about it. That takes courage and you did it!
And right now, you came to the forum here to vent and tell us where you're at as you're feeling weak and wanting to give up. That's good!
Better that you come here and get a dose of ESH from everyone here than that you try to get something from your XABF. He is not coming from the healthy place that you need to be fueled by.
The other day I was watching a Step 2 video on You Tube from this guy.
He said to imagine that there is a great big giant fancy flat screen TV with all the bells and whistles...but it's not plugged in.
He said it's NO GOOD!
Until it's plugged into a power GREATER THAN ITSELF...it can not do all the wonderful things it is intended to do.
He said we come into the rooms POWER less...no power running through us. And that in step 2 we come to believe that there IS a power that can restore us to sanity. A power greater than US.
I have read that sometimes people see the fellowship as their Higher Power because it is outside of themselves and they can tap into it if they are not having a relationship with a God-like HP...
SR is also a POWER greater than ourselves -- that's why we can come here and be filled up and nourished.
It may seem like there's not a lot of program showing up in your sharing, but from what I see, you also showed up to a POWER source (SR) and shared your experience so that you could be supported by the group as they share their ESH. That's a big deal, girl!
~Sending love vibes~
And I'll take you in my pocket to my Al Anon meeting in a few minutes if you like. ;-)
I like reading about your strength last night when he sat down next to you and started saying all the sorry stuff. You were very clear in not wanting to talk about it. That takes courage and you did it!
And right now, you came to the forum here to vent and tell us where you're at as you're feeling weak and wanting to give up. That's good!
Better that you come here and get a dose of ESH from everyone here than that you try to get something from your XABF. He is not coming from the healthy place that you need to be fueled by.
The other day I was watching a Step 2 video on You Tube from this guy.
He said to imagine that there is a great big giant fancy flat screen TV with all the bells and whistles...but it's not plugged in.
He said it's NO GOOD!
Until it's plugged into a power GREATER THAN ITSELF...it can not do all the wonderful things it is intended to do.
He said we come into the rooms POWER less...no power running through us. And that in step 2 we come to believe that there IS a power that can restore us to sanity. A power greater than US.
I have read that sometimes people see the fellowship as their Higher Power because it is outside of themselves and they can tap into it if they are not having a relationship with a God-like HP...
SR is also a POWER greater than ourselves -- that's why we can come here and be filled up and nourished.
It may seem like there's not a lot of program showing up in your sharing, but from what I see, you also showed up to a POWER source (SR) and shared your experience so that you could be supported by the group as they share their ESH. That's a big deal, girl!
~Sending love vibes~
And I'll take you in my pocket to my Al Anon meeting in a few minutes if you like. ;-)
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
hang in there, Lily. it's back and forth and back and forth within yourself right now but try and remember the back and forth and back and forth when you were with the addict. which back and forth would you rather have? i know it hurts. it is terrible to feel and go through. but you are so valuable and worth so much more than what you were getting. someone here mentioned getting caught up in "the dance" or the cycle/routine. breaking that in and of itself is a withdrawal. you are trying to keep yourself busy and this is good! and remember the post...the super awesome post...
we like to think they love us and use drugs...no...they love drugs and use us.
love yourself. we all have to and we all have to work in different ways on different things. just do the very best you can for where you are right now. praying for you!
we like to think they love us and use drugs...no...they love drugs and use us.
love yourself. we all have to and we all have to work in different ways on different things. just do the very best you can for where you are right now. praying for you!
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Lily1918 
here I am again. back at square one. Feeling like Im not done. Feeling like I want him back. Feeling like I can give him another chance. Feeling like everything will be ok.
What might help is to ask yourself... What would be different this time around? Honestly, truthfully, REALISTICALLY- how long will it be before the cycle is repeated again?
It hurts to be so honest, but that's how I'm trying to look at it when I start thinking that. Please stay strong- I'm sending positive energies your way. We'll make it out of this insanity alive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
thanks for the encouragement. crazy thing is. I really do still think he will make it. ugh.
its sickening almost. Its like two face from batman. Heads he lives tails he dies. plain and simple. but I have taken myself and most definitely the children out of the coin toss.
I might fall. I might say yes to lunch if he is sober on Sunday.
just a warning.
they say that addicts feel a relapse before they pick up.
I think I get it.
I feel myself feining for him now.
Its easy to walk away when they are high. for me though it feels impossible to stay away when they are sober. I feel this with my mom too. not just this boy.
its sickening almost. Its like two face from batman. Heads he lives tails he dies. plain and simple. but I have taken myself and most definitely the children out of the coin toss.
I might fall. I might say yes to lunch if he is sober on Sunday.
just a warning.
they say that addicts feel a relapse before they pick up.
I think I get it.
I feel myself feining for him now.
Its easy to walk away when they are high. for me though it feels impossible to stay away when they are sober. I feel this with my mom too. not just this boy.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Lily1918
thanks for the encouragement. crazy thing is. I really do still think he will make it. ugh.
its sickening almost. Its like two face from batman. Heads he lives tails he dies. plain and simple. but I have taken myself and most definitely the children out of the coin toss.
I might fall. I might say yes to lunch if he is sober on Sunday.
just a warning.
they say that addicts feel a relapse before they pick up.
I think I get it.
I feel myself feining for him now.
Its easy to walk away when they are high. for me though it feels impossible to stay away when they are sober. I feel this with my mom too. not just this boy.
its sickening almost. Its like two face from batman. Heads he lives tails he dies. plain and simple. but I have taken myself and most definitely the children out of the coin toss.
I might fall. I might say yes to lunch if he is sober on Sunday.
just a warning.
they say that addicts feel a relapse before they pick up.
I think I get it.
I feel myself feining for him now.
Its easy to walk away when they are high. for me though it feels impossible to stay away when they are sober. I feel this with my mom too. not just this boy.
Just saying.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Lust (any addiction) – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. Lust is like a warning light on the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you are not allowing God’s love to fill you. When your eyes and heart are on Him, your actions will lead you to lasting joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemnation.
Just saying.
Just saying.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
lily, what IS it you look to HIM to fix, fulfill or CHANGE in your life? and...why do you abdicate the responsibility for creating your own wonderful life and place the onus on someone else?
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