TheHurting

Hello, I found this site a few weeks ago, there is a lot of great information, thank you. I am looking for advice on how to help a friend who is going through rehab for substance abuse. He hasn't told me that he has been in a rehab program, and I know if I ask he will say nothing and get upset, but I know him well enough and it is obvious to me that is what he has been doing, which I fully support. About a month ago he just stopped replying to my texts and calls which was unusual, I asked him a couple of times what happened, he refused to answer, now he just says he wants to be on his own, and gives no reason, but still wants to be friends. This is not someone who will open up and talk, I have tried, if I mention rehab he will completely cut me out. I have tried to understand as much as I can. I am a good influence in his life, he knows I have never used drugs (please understand that I am not judging anyone who uses in any way, I just wanted to point out that he can't be avoiding me because he thinks I might hinder his recovery). Can anyone help me understand what I can do to help him, please? Is it part of the treatment, will he have been told to cut off contact with friends? Or could be just be overwhelmed? Would it help him more if I try to keep in contact although he has told me he doesn't want to right now, or should I just let him go, I don't want to upset him any more? Thankyou for any help, he is someone I care about a great deal, and I don't want to give up on him.

LoveMeNow

I really hope you take some time to work on you and allow him the time he has requested.

I am still learning that I can only respect others when I have complete respect for myself. The most loving thing you can do right now is to allow him to find his own way.

TheHurting

Thanks for the reply. I'm just concerned that he might be depressed and I know from friends with depression, they might at times say they want to be left alone but that isn't really what they want. I just want to help him in any way I can by understanding. Is it usual for people to want to cut themselves off after being in a short-term program, is that what is recommended in the program? I don't want to just abandon him, but if it will help him, I will give him space. I just don't know what to do to help. Thanks.

allforcnm

Do you know what kind of rehab/treatment he might be undergoing?

All programs are different, but generally professionals will not suggest that a person remove positive people/influences from their lives. But people who enter recovery also have to work on triggers, and things, places that remind them of using...it can get complicated.

My husband was in rehab, and I can tell you that especially in the beginning it is a time of lots of emotions. Treatment can be overwhelming, and also depending on what type of drugs he was on, quitting can cause physiological /emotional changes that take time to even out. I think it is common for people to feel the need to pull away/reduce contact until they get a grasp on their situation. Again complex and depends on the person & your relationship. But your right, depression is also a possibility. If he is in treatment, then hopefully he will deal with this aspect.

There have been MANY posts here on the forum about people in recovery who work a program with a "sponsor". The "sponsor" gives advice based on their own beliefs and experiences. Some people have reported that "the sponsor" advises this or that.... In the end however, it is still his choice.

I would just give it time & not pressure him. He said he wanted to remain "friends" so I would take that as being what he can handle right now.

TheHurting

Thanks for your reply and insight. I believe it was 2-3 weeks inpatient, as that is the time that he was missing and wasn't in touch. I have a feeling that someone is monitoring his emails, I don't know if that is usual, but his replies to me have been a little disjointed, and "careful", though that may just because he doesn't want me to know. It is/was cocaine, and cigarettes, and alcohol. I've told him that whatever is going on, he has my complete support and I will always be there if he is in need, he knows that. Maybe that is all I can do for now.

allforcnm

My husband used opiates, but he did some cocaine also. Cocaine doesnt have too much of a physical withdrawal, but it causes emotional problems like depression. You can google that & get lots of info on how cocaine affects a person. Alcohol withdrawal can be very serious I know and require medical assistance, but dont know a lot about that.

It sounds like you are a good friend, and based on what you said he knows you are there for him; Im sure that means a lot .... its something very special.

TheHurting

Thank you so much for your kind words. He is a very special person to me. I hope this time he can sort things out, and when he is ready to talk about it, I hope by being a part of this forum, I can understand a lot more and help him.

Seren

Sometimes, an addict or alcoholic in early recovery will need to change 'people, places, and things' in order to move forward--regardless of whether the 'people' were part of their using circle of friends. Early recovery is often a very emotional, exhausting, and self-centered (a lot like active addiction) time for an addict. Right now, his life is all about him--it has to be. It's not personal. He's not doing this 'at' you or 'to' you.

What can you do for him? Nothing. This is his own struggle, his own fight. If he decides to contact you 6 months or 12 months down the road, great! Please try to remember that he has told you not to contact him--respect his wishes.

I know this is hard. I hope you will take the time to keep reading these threads and keep learning all you can about addiction and recovery in all its forms. I'm glad you found us although very sorry for the reasons why.

Welcome! HG

Ann

The best thing you can do for him right now, and for yourself, is to respect his request for no contact.

He may want to focus on his recovery without interruption, he may want to let go of all contact to his past, he may just not want to correspond with you right now...he doesn't need to give reasons when he makes his request clear.

Read around here, it's not up to us to "save" our addicted loved ones because to try is futile. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. Only they can save themselves and being in rehab is a darned good start.

Take a giant step back and give your friend respect and space, it's what he needs right now.

Hugs

laurie6781

Ann and Hydrogirl said it perfectly.

When I was in early recovery from alcohol and drugs, I wanted no part of anyone who knew me. I had to totally concentrate on me and how in the hell I was going to do this (abstain forever).

As you say you care a lot for him, please respect his request, stand back and give him the space he has requested. He may stay NO Contact for a while (I was almost 4 months sober and clean before I had tentative contact with those that cared about me) and you can give yourself this time to read around this site and read the stickys at the top of this forum. That will give you some great info about addiction and how to deal with it.

In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,

TheHurting

Thanks Hydrogirl, Ann and Laurie. I've done a lot of reading and I think I do understand now. His health is the most important thing to me, if he needs to take a break, or start again completely, I just want what is best for him. The last thing I would ever do is stand in the way and hinder his recovery.

dasiydoc

My boyfriend is just starting recovery. His drug was cocaine. He hasnt cut me out, but we had this discussion before he stopped; he knew he was going to have lots of anxiety and depression. He was afraid he would not be able to contain his feelings at times and I would get hurt by things he said, or feel like I was being neglected because he wasnt up to doing normal activities we shared. It has been up and down, but we have been dealing with it ok.
Sorry you are going through this too. I would give your friend some time, and be there in a gentle way. It didnt sound like he said no contact to you, he just pulled back some, probably because he is uncomfortable in his own skin right now. But he will get better in time if he sticks to working on himself.

TheHurting

Hi Daisydoc, thank you for your post, I wish you and your boyfriend well. It is so hard, I hate that anyone suffers this way. You are right, he hasn't said "no contact" specifically, he told me he wanted to be alone but has been replying (very briefly) to emails. But I know he would do that though, to stop me being hurt, so I don't want to put him in that situation if it will make it difficult for him. I have very quickly learned through this forum, its just not about me at all. I have been really trying to understand quickly, I don't want to pressure him or bother him and have him think he needs to reply to me, if he needs to concentrate on himself, then that is what he should be doing. I think I was quite overwhelmed when I realized what was going on, I was out of my depth and just didn't know what to do for the best. No matter how much empathy and love you have for another person, I think this is something completely different. What I need to do: give him space, he knows absolutely that I am always there for him. I hope everything works out for you and your BF.

Lily1918

everyone here is spot on. I would like to say that my BF is in an extended 6 month program for opiates and that the first month is completely no contact to the outside as part of the rules. contact with loved ones is weaned back in as time goes on. As everyone says it is very common and healthy for everyone involved. We on the outside are given time to work through our own negative emotions that we felt when they were using, and they get time IMHO to not hear any henpecking, and come to terms with thier emotions. I know that I still harbor anger and hurt and guilt. Trust is earned through time over observation of another actions. This is true. Forgiveness, however, is something freely given, and many times hard to do. everyone needs time to forgive the others, but what I have learned in these four short weeks is I have the hardest time forgiving myself. Maybe he is feeling this way, I think of it as taking a shower. 99% of the time, we all scrub the dirt and muck away from ourselves alone, with only God watching us.