gmanincypress

You would think that having your father struggle with relapse after relapse going on crazy alcohol binges for weeks at a time. Leaving home in the middle of the night begging the neighbors for money. Seeing him suffer DT's. Not shower or toilet for days. You would think having that close of an example would be enough to drive a person to never drink ever, or again.

Well...I told myself i was different. I drink beer. Yeah i can drink 12-18 beers in a sitting. But so what. All my buddies do to. Yeah well I feel guilty as heck for allowing myself to drink over the weekend.

I don't want to fail my son and daughter. She is 14 and he is 6. If I can stay walk away from it now I will spare them the nightmare that I endured from my father, and still do.

It just not worth it. Its not worth the buzz or drunk state. It's not. For what for a few hours of Wooo Hooo!!!????

Please! If you think you have a problem...you do. Find a way to stay stopped. I love my father... but seeing suffer after every relapse hurts now even more cause i know that feeling of failure...hopelessness. That feeling of wanting to die than to keep going on this way. I feel like such a loser.

Received

You are NOT a loser, gmanincypress!

My addictive voice used to love to tell me how big of a loser I was and "it" got me to keep drinking.

Now that I know the difference between me and my AV I realize I don't want to drink. IT does.

I don't drink, ever and my AV is powerless to make me drink.

MIRecovery

AA was the way out of the insanity for me. Will power alone is seldom enough

shoreladylu

You're not a loser for the fact that you see your problem and are trying to do something about it. Stopping is very hard- not impossible. Can you honestly say drinking was the "woo hoo" you made it out to be? Maybe at the beginning of the drinking session, but we rarely feel that way throughout the night. One of the things that keeps me from drinking is thinking about afterwards. The hangover, the shame, the guilt of breaking my promise, not being able to efficiently or whole heartedly do what I need/want to do, wondering if others can tell, not remembering the night before, and I know there's more. You CAN get sober. Your kids deserve a sober dad and you deserve to not feel alcohol's dirty impact in your life anymore. These forums are a wealth of support and good information. So start working on your sobriety- you already made the first step! Welcome and best wishes!

artsoul

I thought I was different, too, and it kept me drinking for a long time. The harder I tried to control my drinking, the worse it got, but I kept thinking if I tried just a little harder the next time would be different. It's the obsession/compulsion of addiction, I think......our best intentions just aren't good enough. I had replace the obsession to drink with an obsession to stay sober - thank goodness for this forum that I could spend hours here at a time!

You're not a loser.... none of us are. We just have to recognize how powerful addiction is and get the help we need, one day at a time. You can do this, and you'll get stronger and feel better about yourself as you go. It took me quite a few days/weeks sober before I could start letting go of the fear, guilt and anxiety and begin to see some hope. We're here for ya..... stay strong!:day6

gmanincypress

I first started on this journey on May 8 of 2012. First controlled the drinking till June 27. Then quit for 100 days. Then tried social and weekend drinking throughout Oct & Nov. Quit for another 30 days in December. Then tried different drinking patterns again.

I'm just done with it. But I need to stay done with it. I've proven I can just walk away from it. I know that this last time...I convinced myself that I wouldn't feel guilty about doing it. But I do. Deep inside something tells me to quit while your ahead, so that you don't end up like your father.

I'm going to be going to Nigeria on 5 week rotations soon. And there is nothing but free booze to all the expats. Being in a depressive country, away from my family and friends is going to be hard.