Bob936

Its 1:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. I have a raging anger toward my AW. I've been married 28 years. The last 15 years have been pure hell due to my AW's behavior. I won't detail all of the horrors - just imagine your worst alcoholic nightmare.

My birthday was a few months ago. My AW gave me no gift, no happy birthday. Instead, she went out and got drunk at a local restaurant and had sex with another man in his car in the parking lot in broad daylight. She caught by the police and arrested for public intoxication. Since then, she has managed to have weekly alcoholic episodes.

Last Thursday, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. On Friday, my AW crashed her car and was sent to the hospital. At the hospital she test 0.40 blood alcohol level (that's right zero point four zero). That's at the point where one goes into a comma and dies of respiratory failure. Somehow she survived and went into a combative, cursing rant in the ER. She was handcuffed to the bed. If she was not so drunk she would have gone to jail again. She's already been in jail three times for public intoxication. The Police just can't seem to catch her when she's behind the wheel.

On Monday, I, the co-dependent fool, took my AW to get a rental car while her car was in the shop. We left the rental place at the same time. I went and ran errands for about 30 minutes. When I arrived home my AW was also pulling into the driveway. She couldn't explain the lost 30 minutes. I'm sure that she stopped to get some booze. She denied it. Just another lie.....

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from having to deal with my AW. I just can't take it anymore. I've been studying the concept of "detachment."

Please forgive my rant, but I'm really at my wits end. I hope that by sharing this information with you I will allay my anger and get some sleep tonight.

I read a post by Ady Gil tonight about "detaching with love, letting go, and take what you want and leave the rest." Outstanding post, Ady Gil. Thanks.

Thanks, members. I'll keep reading your posts and going to Al-Anon.

redatlanta

Congrats on going to Al Anon - it was a lifesaver for me.

Yes it sounds like you have been through hell and back, and back again. It also sounds like you have absolutely NO boundaries at all. You can learn about boundaries on here and in Al Anon.

I just gotta ask - why in the world would you take this woman to rent a car? For the safety of every victim on the street no way would I support her driving....I am surprised she wasn't cited for DUI, she did have a wreck, she should have at least gotten a ticket.

Something else you need to think about is your own liability should your AW get in a wreck while in your car. There is much more an alcoholic can do other than just make home life a living hell - ruin a life is possible too.

Welcome to SR and sorry for the reasons you are here. Lots a great people and support - post often, read and educate and never stop those Al Anon meetings.

CentralOhioDad

Welcome, bt sorry for the reasons you are here.

Read this, and the other "Stickies" at the top of the page, they will help you.

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)

Peace to you,
C-OH Dad

marie1960

Welcome Bob

I understand the "being at my wits end"......

15 years is a long time to be riding the crazy train. And if in 15 years nothing has changed, you can safely say she is not going to change anytime soon.

Time to start making yourself the top priority of your life. You don't have to decide the rest of your life today, but when I started to do the next right thing for ME, clarity reappeared in my life.

When I accepted the facts of the situation, and let go of all the raw emotion that held me hostage I was able to say " You want to drink yourself to death, you go right ahead, you are an adult. I am also an adult and I choose not to take a front row seat, and watch you kill yourself."

Change begins with you, friend.

Recovering2

I am so sorry for your situation, but glad you found AlAnon. I kind of understand why you took her to get a rental car. Wrong decision, but I get it. When my ABF was actively drinking there were a few occasions when he would pick me up in his car while drunk. I knew he was drunk, I still got in the car. Would just pray we would get home safe. The last time he picked me up at the airport drunk. I didn't want a scene, so got in the car. He rear ended someone on the way home, then left. When I called a friend for help, I got chastised for being "stupid" and getting in the car.

I saw my counselor the next day, and talked about how stupid I felt for getting in the car. My counselor told me something that made perfect sense. He said that as the A builds a tolerance to the alcohol over time, we build a tolerance to their behaviors. We get so used to the crazy, that it takes more and more to get a significant rise out of us. While I would likely never get in a car with an obviously drunk co-worker, it becomes almost normal to see that behavior in my partner.

Once I recognized this, I had to change it. That's when I started to work on detachment. I couldn't participate in his behavior any more. I let him do what he wanted, it's his choice, but I didn't go along for the ride anymore.

One suggestion....is the car rented in your name? If yes, I would return it asap. You don't need to be taken down along with her if she wrecks that car. She's an adult, she can rent her own car. Transportation issues are hers to figure out. Natural consequences of her behavior.

I wish you all the best. Sounds like you are starting in the early steps of your recovery. There really is peace and happiness out there for you.

EnglishGarden

I so well understand why you have put up with her abuse and why you were fool enough to assist her in getting a rental car even though she is a late-stage flaming alcoholic.

I was married to an alcoholic many years ago and I did crazy things, too, just like you trying to keep those plates all spinning and up in the air.

Alcoholics are bullies. We're afraid of them. We're afraid of what they'll do when we say no. We're afraid of what they'll do to hurt us next. We're afraid that they'll leave us even though they are the worst, most selfish, destructive partners in the world. They are bullies and they have got us completely under their control.

I'm sure you never imagined you'd be living this way with a woman like that. I remember how quickly the alcoholic had control of me.... because he was a vortex of chaos. And that is the hook. Chaos! Then QUIET. Chaos! Then QUIET. Terrorists learned a long time ago how well that works. Fear of what will happen next is a perfect form of control. The fact that the word "hostage" is frequently used to describe the spouse of an alcoholic is
obvious.

You took her to rent a car because she has you brainwashed.

So keep going to Al-Anon and get yourself a good counselor who knows all about alcoholics. If she lands in jail do not bail her out. Stop rescuing her. I know why you rescue her. But stop it. She's a bully. She's been playing you like a card.

Did you pick up the pamphlet at Al-Anon titled "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial?" Find it. Memorize it. Live it. No more rental cars.

So glad you found us! Things will get better eventually. But when you first get off the merry-go-round, things usually get worse. Alcoholics hate it when people stop doing what they say.

But I promise you, things will eventually get better for you.

NewbieJ

This may be the best summary I have ever come across of what it's like. My uncle (30 years sober), who pushed me into Al Anon, said "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take prisoners." We could replace that with "hostages".

Bob - yes, please please go to Al Anon. We are all works in progress, and though my marriage is on a "down" right now I can tell you that the program has helped me save my own life. Your situation may not get better, but you can.

And yes, no more rental cars! No more bailing her out. A "win" in your situation is that she calls you from jail and you don't accept the charges, you don't bail her out. This forum is so great and as others have said, I am truly glad you are here.

Recover53

Hi Bob, so sorry you're going through all this. The best days of your life are just ahead. I totally feel what you're saying. Simply hell. I'm really, really grateful other men here and in Alanon share their stories. My wife is a small petite little woman. she puts forth this kind, loving caring soul to most people. BUT in OUR world she is totally out of her mind. I just didn't know it till i got into Alanon. Her screwing around and lies I thought I could deal with. I shared this with some guys at my second Alanon meeting, they smiled and simply said 'why would you let ANYONE treat you like that?". Well....I don't know...I mean I'm a good husband...I don't want to cause problems.... no, they said it was time I learned how to take care of ME. 27 years of marriage and insanity can warp a person. The love of those people in Alanon and the encouragement to try to get involved with the steps changed EVERYTHING. Bob, 3 months into Alanon and me taking care of me, she left! Yea, she wanted to go find herself in Arizona. I cried and cried in meetings for a few meetings, then i started to experience something I call peace. Hang in there, keep getting to meetings and sharing here. Read all the alanon literature you can. We're all looking forward to hear how things go. Peace,Steve.

Bob936

Hello everyone. First, I want to thank everyone for all the kind words and great comments. Since my last post I have attended three Al-Anon meetings. My Thursday night meetings are in a mixed group and my Monday night meetings are men only. All the people at Al-Anon are wonderful. They are so friendly and caring. I even called one of the men today for a private discussion. He was so helpful. I've been reading "Paths to Recovery" and "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. I've ordered other books. I'm in Al-Anon for the long term. My 18 year old daughter wants me to take her to Al-Anon also.

On the home front, my AW continues to engage in unacceptable behavior. One day last week, she called after her A.A. meeting. She was drunk and said that she was going to stay in a hotel that night because she had to get up early and go to a 9:30 a.m. hair appointment. So she was going to get a hotel near the hair establishment. She did the same think last night. She had to go stay in a hotel and get some rest so she could go to her noon A.A. meeting.

Tonight, I think she finally got arrested for DUI. I found out in a strange way. I got a telephone call from her cell phone, but she did not speak. It was like an open microphone. I could hear a man talking in the background. Then I heard AW say "Well it might be the fact that I only got 3 hours of sleep last night." Then more unintelligible man's voice in the background. Then there was silence, but the phone connection was still on. I suppose she was outside the car talking with the police officer. I suppose that the "open microphone" deal was a call for me to rescue/enable her. Later, I got a call from a lady at the Police Department. She asked me my name and if I was AW's husband. Then suddenly she said "never mind, I've made a mistake. AW wanted to call someone else." I asked her if AW was arrested and she said yes. I suppose AW intended to call someone else because she's angry that I caused her to be arrested (Ha! Ha! Like it’s my fault). About 30 minutes later I got record message via telephone from Lojack stating "early warning - your car is being moved - check your car."

I will NOT bail AW out of jail. She has to suffer the consequences of her drinking.

I still love my AW, but I'm through living in chaos. I'm tired of being an enabler and a doormat. I'm going to take some concrete moves in the morning to protect myself and my daughter. I will continue to go to Al-Anon.

As an afterthought, I really like the following saying that was posted by NewbieJ: "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take prisoners."

Good night to all and thank you so very much.

kale

Good for you.

LoveMeNow

Way to go!!

I just have to ask "how do these woman find such loving, loyal men?"

LexieCat

Hey, Bob,

Wow, I'm impressed by your fortitude in not riding to the rescue on this. I shouldn't say fortitude, exactly--your wisdom and compassion, for yourself and for her. You would have done her no favors by running interference.

She might also have called someone else because she was dreading your reaction. I'm glad you have your Al-Anon friends to talk this through with. And how great that your daughter wants to go, too!

I always get choked up by stories of the relief and immediate help people find when they come into the rooms. It really is magic.