bob8619

Ok, My brother has struggled with addiction for a long long time, he finally got clean last year. His drug of choice was heroin and oxycontin but he usually was on xanax and beer as well so I guess he was addicted to drugs in general. He is sober for the most part but he still drinks beer which I disagree with. Even if he isnt necessarily an "alcoholic" I still feel he is just replacing one drug for another. In previous attempts he made to get sober, alcohol would get involved and before you knew it he was back out there full blown.

So I was talking to my dad about my concerns about my brothers drinking and he said he knows hes drinking because he drank beer at my dads house. I couldnt believe it. My dad has always been hard nosed about this stuff, if you were high you could not come over etc. I told him how it is generally accepted that recovering addicts should not drink alcohol, for one it can become their new drug of choice and two it is highly likely that they will end up getting back to their drug of choice. It has proven to do this to my brother in the past as mentioned above. My dads response is just " I cant control him". I agree that he cant control him but I feel it is very important not to provide something to a recovering addict that could be the downfall of that person. You CAN control what you provide for someone and CAN control what you allow to happen in your house.

Am I being stupid here or what? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something.

Lily1918

I understand both sides. I was a huge enabler and rationalized it by saying "well, he can still get into rehab with weed in his system, but not heroin. anything but heroin." this was in the short term, but it was still wrong. I understand that now. I struggle with grandma being a big enabler for him and so I have had to give her up to my HP and almost go no contact with her because she drives me crazy

bob8619

They were torn apart by his addiction for a long long time. I wonder if he fears that if he objects to beer that it will push him away and separate them again. So he rationalizes it like you said by saying "its just beer, better than heroin". This could very well be whats going on here.

Kindeyes

I understand how you feel. It seems like it's a domino effect, doesn't it. Your brother can't control his addiction, your dad can't control your brother, and you can't control either one of them.

I don't know what I'd do if my son wanted to drink at my house. I don't drink at all. My husband seldom drinks but we don't tell others who come to our home whether or not they can drink there (normal drinkers....not alcoholics). We won't buy it for them. We don't supply it. But if they bring it, they can drink it if they choose to and take any that is left over away with them when they leave. If their behavior got out of hand or obnoxious.....they would be asked to leave.

I wonder if I would have a double standard with my son.

Perhaps, in order to be fair and consistent, I shouldn't let anyone drink any alcoholic beverage under my roof whether they are an alcoholic or not.

Tough choices but ultimately, we're right back at my first paragraph. The only thing we really can control is ourselves.

I do understand your concern.......just out of curiousity, how do you think your Dad should have handled it? Kicked him out? Simply talked to him? Just wondering.....perhaps your feedback will give me some food for thought in the event my son (currently in recovery) ever chooses to drink in my home in the future.

gentle hugs
ke

bob8619

Mid 2012 my brother was in town and we went fishing. On the way to the fishing spot we went to the gas station and my brother ended up buying two 24oz beers. On the way out I wondered how I should deal with it. I was not comfortable with him drinking them out of concern for where may lead him down the road. When he reached for the beer I kindly told him I would appreciate if he didnt drink them and he said ok. I should have explained to him why I asked him not to drink but I guess I wasnt wanting a to get into an argument.

My mom made it very difficult for me to speak up about someone because she, being an addict herself, always flipped it around on me and made me feel like a bad person. I understand the difficulty of bringing up something that may bring up a negative response in someone. I would have liked to see my dad say something like " look son, I am proud of your progress that you have made but it worries me and makes me uncomfortable to see you drink so could you please not drink while you are here?"

bob8619

I have had my own struggles with alcohol. It has done a number on my life and I have finally given it up. I had given it up in April due to a binge that scared me. I had every intention to never drink again. My girlfriend told me one day that she had talked to my step mom who in a way was saying "Hes only 26, hes young I'm sure he will drink again". She didnt mean it like oh he will relapse hes young. It was more like aw its ok if he drinks again he'll get it under control hes still young. In that instant I started entertaining the idea of drinking again because heck, step mom doesnt think its an issue so maybe I'm just being too tough on myself, yeah I'm younger I just need to work on drinking responsibly. A little bit of what I feel was acceptance was all I needed, I started drinking again it was fine for a bit then boom I was broken in the most severe way i could imagine. I never broke my own heart like that before and I will never again.

With that said, I think sometimes seeing family accept a certain behavior can be all it takes to destroy you. I think the opposite may be true too, MAYBE seeing family disapprove of something will make that person see its danger and say , it is more important to me to maintain a relationship with family than to hold on to this stupid alcohol. If the person really isnt trapped by this substance then it should be a very simple thing to give up.