Just About At The End Of My Rope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Just About At The End Of My Rope
Hi. I'm Jan, and I'm new here. My AH and I have been married for 5 years (the second marriage for both of us), but have been together for 14. The first two years he only drank socially, but after that it gradually became more and more frequent. By the time we married, it was a daily occurrence. By then, of course, he was a high-functioning alcoholic but I - and everyone else - thought he handled his drinking well, considering how much he drank. He runs a small business. He didn't get falling-down, vomit-all-over-himself drunk. He didn't forget what he did while he was drinking, and he while he has always been high-maintenance, he wasn't abusive or ugly when he drank.
Over the last 3 years, that has changed. He will take his first drink when he gets up in the morning. We eat lunch at home, and he will have two or three more. He begins drinking the minute he gets home and doesn't stop until he goes to bed (or passes out, which is becoming more common). On the weekends it's even worse; he begins drinking as soon as he wakes and does not stop until he passes out at night. He becomes belligerent and verbally abusive, and then complains that we no longer "communicate" because I just shut down. His short term memory is suffering; he can no longer remember clearly - or at all - what was discussed when he's been drinking. Our sex life has suffered because he has difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection, but even when he can I simply cannot muster any enthusiasm for it - alcoholism is not sexy. Our grown children - his and mine - constantly comment on his drinking, and his employees are beginning to complain about his erratic behavior at work. We have no real friends. There have been altercations with strangers and he was nearly arrested disembarking from a plane because he was giving the flight attendants so much trouble (but of course, none of these incidents are ever his fault).
My life revolves around my husband and his drinking - it has literally become my full time job. Alcohol is literally involved in everything we do; he cannot even drive to the grocery store without a drink. When I confront him about his drinking, he gets defensive and hostile and deflects the conversation to make it about me and my faults. He's begun hiding booze and drinking behind my back so I won't know just how much he's drinking (the last time I was able to quantify the amount, it was close to 3 gallons of vodka a week).
I could go on and on and on ad nauseum - we "talked" about it last night (he was drinking, of course) and I got the classic, "I don't need professional help, I can take care of it myself" line. I intensely dislike the person he's become, and just don't know how much longer I can take this.
Over the last 3 years, that has changed. He will take his first drink when he gets up in the morning. We eat lunch at home, and he will have two or three more. He begins drinking the minute he gets home and doesn't stop until he goes to bed (or passes out, which is becoming more common). On the weekends it's even worse; he begins drinking as soon as he wakes and does not stop until he passes out at night. He becomes belligerent and verbally abusive, and then complains that we no longer "communicate" because I just shut down. His short term memory is suffering; he can no longer remember clearly - or at all - what was discussed when he's been drinking. Our sex life has suffered because he has difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection, but even when he can I simply cannot muster any enthusiasm for it - alcoholism is not sexy. Our grown children - his and mine - constantly comment on his drinking, and his employees are beginning to complain about his erratic behavior at work. We have no real friends. There have been altercations with strangers and he was nearly arrested disembarking from a plane because he was giving the flight attendants so much trouble (but of course, none of these incidents are ever his fault).
My life revolves around my husband and his drinking - it has literally become my full time job. Alcohol is literally involved in everything we do; he cannot even drive to the grocery store without a drink. When I confront him about his drinking, he gets defensive and hostile and deflects the conversation to make it about me and my faults. He's begun hiding booze and drinking behind my back so I won't know just how much he's drinking (the last time I was able to quantify the amount, it was close to 3 gallons of vodka a week).
I could go on and on and on ad nauseum - we "talked" about it last night (he was drinking, of course) and I got the classic, "I don't need professional help, I can take care of it myself" line. I intensely dislike the person he's become, and just don't know how much longer I can take this.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Welcome to SR Jans!
I"m glad you found us although I'm sorry to hear about the problem that brings you here.
Your story isn't unique. It mirrors what so many of us have experienced due to the progressive nature of this disease. I don't want to alarm you but it will only get worse until HE decides that he has a problem. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do or say that will bring him to that point a minute sooner than he is able or ready to get there.
We talk alot about the three c's here.
You didn't cause his drinking.
You can't cure it.
And you can't control it.
The ONLY person you can fix at this point is you. We become just as sick as they do. Addiction is a family illness. Living with this disease...watchign it progress...does a real number on YOU and YOUR health.
I can't recommend Al Anon meetings enough. They literally saved my life. You can get better. You can live a healthier life whetehr the alcoholic continues to drink or not. And al anon can give you the tools you need to do it.
Keep posting.
You're among friends who 'get it' here.
Hugs
Mary
I"m glad you found us although I'm sorry to hear about the problem that brings you here.
Your story isn't unique. It mirrors what so many of us have experienced due to the progressive nature of this disease. I don't want to alarm you but it will only get worse until HE decides that he has a problem. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do or say that will bring him to that point a minute sooner than he is able or ready to get there.
We talk alot about the three c's here.
You didn't cause his drinking.
You can't cure it.
And you can't control it.
The ONLY person you can fix at this point is you. We become just as sick as they do. Addiction is a family illness. Living with this disease...watchign it progress...does a real number on YOU and YOUR health.
I can't recommend Al Anon meetings enough. They literally saved my life. You can get better. You can live a healthier life whetehr the alcoholic continues to drink or not. And al anon can give you the tools you need to do it.
Keep posting.
You're among friends who 'get it' here.
Hugs
Mary
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Welcome, Jan, 
but sorry for the reason you're here. This forum will give you all sorts of advice, experiences, and knowledge. Stick around, post often, read much, and keep an open mind.
Read the "Stickies" on the top of the page, they have tons of useful information. We're all here to support each other. There are no right or answers or feelings. Just remember - you need to take care of yourself and how you act/react.
There's not a darn thing you can do to help him, but you can, and must, help yourself.
Much peace,
C-OH Dad
but sorry for the reason you're here. This forum will give you all sorts of advice, experiences, and knowledge. Stick around, post often, read much, and keep an open mind. Read the "Stickies" on the top of the page, they have tons of useful information. We're all here to support each other. There are no right or answers or feelings. Just remember - you need to take care of yourself and how you act/react.
There's not a darn thing you can do to help him, but you can, and must, help yourself.
Much peace,
C-OH Dad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Thank you both. I'm well aware I can do nothing to help him, and know I have to help myself - it's just been so long since I've done anything to help myself, it's hard to remember how. It's become a completely foreign concept, but I MUST do something; I'm falling apart at the seams.
Going to any sort of support meeting for now is out of the question - we not only live together, but work together as well (lucky me - I get all this fun 24/7!!) and share a car. I can't go anywhere or do anything without his knowledge, if not his consent, and he would NOT be happy with my decision to "go outside" for any sort of support or help - I tried seeing a counselor a couple of years ago, and that went over like a lead balloon. He constantly complained about how I would "talk to a complete stranger" but not to HIM.
Which is why I'm here.
Going to any sort of support meeting for now is out of the question - we not only live together, but work together as well (lucky me - I get all this fun 24/7!!) and share a car. I can't go anywhere or do anything without his knowledge, if not his consent, and he would NOT be happy with my decision to "go outside" for any sort of support or help - I tried seeing a counselor a couple of years ago, and that went over like a lead balloon. He constantly complained about how I would "talk to a complete stranger" but not to HIM.
Which is why I'm here.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by JansSushiBar 
Going to any sort of support meeting for now is out of the question - we not only live together, but work together as well (lucky me - I get all this fun 24/7!!) and share a car. I can't go anywhere or do anything without his knowledge, if not his consent, and he would NOT be happy with my decision to "go outside" for any sort of support or help - I tried seeing a counselor a couple of years ago, and that went over like a lead balloon. He constantly complained about how I would "talk to a complete stranger" but not to HIM.
I bolded the sentence above because this is a quite common tactic for addicts protecting their addiction. I got the same thing. It's normal. But you don't have to comply with this - you have the right to seek support outside of your marriage. You have the right to say "I am not handling this well anymore, and I need to work on me." Secrets make us (and keep us) sick and in a dysfunctional situation. I imagine you feel a little better just writing this all out on an anonymous forum, right? Imagine how it would feel to let the cat out of the proverbial bag in real life, and allow yourself to lean on others for support? For me, it lifted the 600lb gorilla off my back, even for short periods of time.
Keep posting. Maybe after you reach your comfort level here, you can begin to venture out and find yourself a nice face-to-face Al-Anon group in the future.
Hugs,
~T
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Hi Jan, I am so sorry for your situation, but glad you found this site. I was in your situation 5 months ago. Thought I would go crazy. My full time job was trying to figure out how to get him to stop drinking, how to keep him from hurting himself, how to not get into another argument, etc. He would blame me for his drinking, pick fights for no reason so he could drink, etc. We become as ill as they are from the impact on our lives.
Bottom line....you have to get help. This is a progressive disease, this is not going to get better. You can't do anything about it....nothing. The only thing you can do is decide that your life has value, and that you deserve to be healthy/happy. I learned initially to detach from his behavior. What did that mean? I stopped counting bottles, stopped pouring stuff out, stopped hiding his keys. I did not comment on his drinking or behaviors at all. When he tried to pick fights, I did not engage. If he left the house in the car drunk, I let him. I went to my counselor, and Alanon, and worked on me. When he first figured out I wasn't paying attention (A's love attention..even bad attention) he was initially angrier but then he got concerned. I got a safe deposit box and started putting important papers, extra keys, money etc in it. I only told one friend of my plans, and I started moving some things to her house. My plan was to leave, and leave him to his disease. Just so happened he got in a car accident and some legal trouble, and admitted he needed help. He is now in recovery, but it is one day at a time. I am a different person, thankfully.
If Nothing changes....then Nothing changes. You have to change. You can't change him. Find an AlAnon meeting, often times people will give you a ride to meetings. That's part of helping each other out. I used to go to a meeting where 2 women went out for their evening walk each night.....2 of those nights they walked to the meeting! Their spouses didn't know.
Keep posting here and reading the sticky's.
Bottom line....you have to get help. This is a progressive disease, this is not going to get better. You can't do anything about it....nothing. The only thing you can do is decide that your life has value, and that you deserve to be healthy/happy. I learned initially to detach from his behavior. What did that mean? I stopped counting bottles, stopped pouring stuff out, stopped hiding his keys. I did not comment on his drinking or behaviors at all. When he tried to pick fights, I did not engage. If he left the house in the car drunk, I let him. I went to my counselor, and Alanon, and worked on me. When he first figured out I wasn't paying attention (A's love attention..even bad attention) he was initially angrier but then he got concerned. I got a safe deposit box and started putting important papers, extra keys, money etc in it. I only told one friend of my plans, and I started moving some things to her house. My plan was to leave, and leave him to his disease. Just so happened he got in a car accident and some legal trouble, and admitted he needed help. He is now in recovery, but it is one day at a time. I am a different person, thankfully.
If Nothing changes....then Nothing changes. You have to change. You can't change him. Find an AlAnon meeting, often times people will give you a ride to meetings. That's part of helping each other out. I used to go to a meeting where 2 women went out for their evening walk each night.....2 of those nights they walked to the meeting! Their spouses didn't know.
Keep posting here and reading the sticky's.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This is a progressive disease, without recovery, he will continue to get worse.
What is the reason you allow him to control your entire life? Is he abusive?
Take some time to read all the stickeys, cynical one's blogs (can be accessed at the top of this page) and Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie.
Until you both get healthy nothing will change, IMO meetings are very important for your well-being and understanding of this disease that can take you both down.
If he doesn't want recovery, that is his choice, as an adult, you also have choices.
Keep posting, it will help.
What is the reason you allow him to control your entire life? Is he abusive?
Take some time to read all the stickeys, cynical one's blogs (can be accessed at the top of this page) and Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie.
Until you both get healthy nothing will change, IMO meetings are very important for your well-being and understanding of this disease that can take you both down.
If he doesn't want recovery, that is his choice, as an adult, you also have choices.
Keep posting, it will help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Thank you all so much, but you misunderstand - I rarely go anywhere without him, and I never go anywhere without his knowledge and consent. I read recently that alcoholics don't have relationships, they have hostages; sadly, in my case, that is more true than you might imagine. If I lie to him about where I am going (and for the life of me I can't think of any place I might go for an hour or more that would make a plausible excuse), and he finds out, I will not hear the end of it, although he lies and hides things from me on nearly a daily basis. Like most alcoholics, he lives by extreme double standards: there are rules for everyone else, and none of them apply to him.
I am also dubious about Al-Anon and other 12-Step programs simply because I do not believe in a higher power. I cannot trust a god in whom I do not believe to help me take care of this problem. Other than my 18-year-old son, I have no friends or family nearby, which is why I am here.
I am also dubious about Al-Anon and other 12-Step programs simply because I do not believe in a higher power. I cannot trust a god in whom I do not believe to help me take care of this problem. Other than my 18-year-old son, I have no friends or family nearby, which is why I am here.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You are describing an abusive situation. Part of detaching is not letting him get to you when he's mad. So he gets mad that you go out, let him. You are an adult, and you have every right to leave the house for an hour. It doesn't even need an explanation.
You don't have to believe in the concept of God to get the benefits of AlAnon. "God" or "HP" is whatever that means to you. You can be agnostic or atheist, and still believe that there are forces in nature bigger than us. For a lot of new people, the AlAnon group is the HP initially.
No one is going to help you take care of this problem. You have to take care of you. Your AH is not going to do it. There is a saying "Addicted to the Addicted". Until you break out of that and decide you are going to take yourself back, you will continue down this path of destruction with him.
You don't have to believe in the concept of God to get the benefits of AlAnon. "God" or "HP" is whatever that means to you. You can be agnostic or atheist, and still believe that there are forces in nature bigger than us. For a lot of new people, the AlAnon group is the HP initially.
No one is going to help you take care of this problem. You have to take care of you. Your AH is not going to do it. There is a saying "Addicted to the Addicted". Until you break out of that and decide you are going to take yourself back, you will continue down this path of destruction with him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Dollydo, he is extraordinarily controlling and verbally abusive. In 2005, before his drinking was a problem, we moved 1,200 miles away from the place I'd lived all my life. As his problem has gotten worse, he's alienated the few social friends we have. The only things he's interested in these days are work, booze, and playing games on his iPad. I have a hobby that I love, and once hoped would become a career, and while he doesn't keep me from it, he is resentful since it does not revolve around him - if I stopped tomorrow, he'd probably be thrilled.
At any rate, I've begun looking for another job - perhaps if I can get away from him for 8 hours a day, I'll have the time and energy to at least try to get some perspective and think about what to do with myself.
At any rate, I've begun looking for another job - perhaps if I can get away from him for 8 hours a day, I'll have the time and energy to at least try to get some perspective and think about what to do with myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Recovering2
Oh....BTW - since you are currently worried. If you don't want him to find this site, make sure you erase the history on your computer each time you are done.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I am also dubious about Al-Anon and other 12-Step programs simply because I do not believe in a higher power. I cannot trust a god in whom I do not believe to help me take care of this problem.
I know exactly what you are talking about. My AW was the same way.
First the God issue and I know this to be an issue because I have had to deal with it as well. I am agnostic, don't believe in God and have been going to Alanon for almost 2 years now. I have some Buddhist and Taoist leanings but I don't believe in Gods or any other religious teachings except from a secular perspective.
I have settled on a higher power of "Don't Know". I have found that I can turn things over to "Don't Know", it doesn't mean there is any external force that will deal with it but it is my way of acknowledging that I don't have to handle it.
For example, Let Go and Let God is one of my favorite slogans. To me it means that I can put down some of this baggage I have. Whether something picks it up or not it doesn't matter because I'm not carrying it any more.
Second, you don't have to have a sponsor or do the steps, it is not a requirement. I use Alanon primarily as group therapy and it has done me a world of good. My reasoning for not having a sponsor is more to do with my issues with authority figures. As for the 12 steps there are a bunch of atheistic and agnostic versions out there as well as Buddhist ones. I have boiled down the 12 steps to 3. Giving up the illusion of control, accepting reality as it is, and learning to accept myself as I am.
As someone who totally understands your point of view I still strongly recommend at least trying a couple of Alanon meetings. As they say at the meetings "Take what you want and leave the rest".
It took me a while to figure out that I didn't need my AW's permission to go and that I am allowed to take care of myself. So take your time, be patient and gentle on yourself and don't discount the value of going to meetings.
Your friend,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not to minimize verbal abuse--it is hurtful and destructive--but if you are not afraid or concerned that he would physically abuse you, you don't have to placate him. Call Al-Anon, and someone can probably come to pick you up and take you to a meeting if you can't get transportation otherwise.
I cannot overstate how helpful it can be to share with people who know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Yes, you can participate here, but face-to-face support is the best, and it also gets you some time of your own that you sorely need.
I hope you will consider it. Mike explained the "god" stuff very well.
Al-Anon saved my life when I was going through the heartbreaking experience of watching my beloved husband, who had almost died from drinking, go back to it. I found the strength to do what was best for me, and to leave so I did not have to watch him slowly self-destructing.
I cannot overstate how helpful it can be to share with people who know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Yes, you can participate here, but face-to-face support is the best, and it also gets you some time of your own that you sorely need.
I hope you will consider it. Mike explained the "god" stuff very well.
Al-Anon saved my life when I was going through the heartbreaking experience of watching my beloved husband, who had almost died from drinking, go back to it. I found the strength to do what was best for me, and to leave so I did not have to watch him slowly self-destructing.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Most people with addiction issues attempt and do isolate their "supporters", we codies can end up living in a prison with invisible bars. Although, we do hold the key to our freedom in the palm of our hand, we are afraid to use it. We are afraid of the unknown, afraid of living on our own and taking care of ourselves. Your idea of getting a new job may be of great benfit to you, it may give you some freedom, some time to think on your own.
Keep posting, we are here..for you.
Keep posting, we are here..for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Thank you all very much. Yesterday I found two Al-Anon meetings near me that meet once a week (alas, on Tuesday evenings and Wednesday mornings, so I'll have to wait until next week). I thought a great deal about what everyone said about putting myself first, something I have not done in a very long time, and now have a plan of action. I feel much better this morning.
Again, thank you all, so very much.
Again, thank you all, so very much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Hi Jan
So sorry for what you're going through. I bet you feel like you've been at the end of your rope a million times, but if you really were you would immediately call it quits on your relationship. I find that rope stretches more than you think it will. Sometimes it loosens and gives you a false sense of security that everything will be okay, or that your situation's not really as bad as you think. Just as you start to relax, it soon becomes taut again until you're almost tearing your hair out. It's the endless back and forth that keeps you in this exhausting limbo.
All I can suggest is you use this feeling that you are about to snap to initiate a change in any way you can. If you want to stay with your husband, then make the decision to start looking after yourself for a change. I know exactly how you feel about being hostage to an alcoholic, even if it's just an implied pressure to stay under surveillance and lock and key. I went from being a strong, outgoing person with a lot of friends to living in the middle of nowehere in a foreign country with my partner telling the neighbours to inform him if I ever went out while he wasn't there. And they did! His jealousy and suspicion had no bounds. I became a pathetic smudge of a person, too afraid to answer the phone. Stupid thing is, he told me when I met him that it was my independence that most attracted him.
Things have improved a lot since since he stopped drinking, but some of the traits are still vaguely there. For instance, I went out for a work-related hour-long meeting in a nearby town earlier, and he "casually" called to check up on me. I got the usual "I love you" message popping up on my phone in the middle of the meeting which he tends to do as a... I don't know, way of guilting me into not having the imaginary affair I'm sure he thinks I am. I used to try to put his calls and messages down to him being caring (which he actually is in many ways depsite how it sounds), but I know he has that fear of me leaving in him all the time. This probably wasn't helped by the fact that I did actually leave him when I found I had reached the end of my stretched and frayed rope, but luckily this prompted him to finally get help.
I told him recently that I felt I could also use some help for what I had gone through (he seems to think it's all about his recovery and that I should just return to being happy now that he's quit), but he seemed skeptical and a bit suspicious. He doesn't know about this site.
When he got back from his therapy yesterday, he said he spoke with the therapist and was told "women (of alcoholics) don't achieve good results from therapy", and that he was told to tell me I should avoid bringing up what happened in the past with my partner. I could put this down to what the therapist said as this is a whacky country so perhaps he's not so orthodox, but I am guessing it is probably more likely that my partner creatively interpreted what was said (consciously or subconsciously) as he both: a) worries the therapist will be a man who will sweep me off my feet, or b) worries the therapist will convince me to leave him. Who knows.
Either way, I'm not in a position to go to meetings or see a therapy at the moment anyway on account of my location and the language barrier. But you, on the other hand, have options. Go to the meetings. If you aren't afraid of a possible physical reaction, don't lie about it... just go. He can't possibly be justified in being upset. Like you, I was put off by the higher power thing as I am not religious at all, but I like Mike's idea of condensing the steps into three big ones with no religion attached. If only I could actually get to a meeting so I knew exactly how these steps actually work!
I wish you all the very best. It's hard to get your confidence back when you have been subtly manipulated into feeling trapped and powerless for years, but try to visualise the strong woman you once were. She's still in there, you just have to get her out of the house.
So sorry for what you're going through. I bet you feel like you've been at the end of your rope a million times, but if you really were you would immediately call it quits on your relationship. I find that rope stretches more than you think it will. Sometimes it loosens and gives you a false sense of security that everything will be okay, or that your situation's not really as bad as you think. Just as you start to relax, it soon becomes taut again until you're almost tearing your hair out. It's the endless back and forth that keeps you in this exhausting limbo.
All I can suggest is you use this feeling that you are about to snap to initiate a change in any way you can. If you want to stay with your husband, then make the decision to start looking after yourself for a change. I know exactly how you feel about being hostage to an alcoholic, even if it's just an implied pressure to stay under surveillance and lock and key. I went from being a strong, outgoing person with a lot of friends to living in the middle of nowehere in a foreign country with my partner telling the neighbours to inform him if I ever went out while he wasn't there. And they did! His jealousy and suspicion had no bounds. I became a pathetic smudge of a person, too afraid to answer the phone. Stupid thing is, he told me when I met him that it was my independence that most attracted him.
Things have improved a lot since since he stopped drinking, but some of the traits are still vaguely there. For instance, I went out for a work-related hour-long meeting in a nearby town earlier, and he "casually" called to check up on me. I got the usual "I love you" message popping up on my phone in the middle of the meeting which he tends to do as a... I don't know, way of guilting me into not having the imaginary affair I'm sure he thinks I am. I used to try to put his calls and messages down to him being caring (which he actually is in many ways depsite how it sounds), but I know he has that fear of me leaving in him all the time. This probably wasn't helped by the fact that I did actually leave him when I found I had reached the end of my stretched and frayed rope, but luckily this prompted him to finally get help.
I told him recently that I felt I could also use some help for what I had gone through (he seems to think it's all about his recovery and that I should just return to being happy now that he's quit), but he seemed skeptical and a bit suspicious. He doesn't know about this site.
When he got back from his therapy yesterday, he said he spoke with the therapist and was told "women (of alcoholics) don't achieve good results from therapy", and that he was told to tell me I should avoid bringing up what happened in the past with my partner. I could put this down to what the therapist said as this is a whacky country so perhaps he's not so orthodox, but I am guessing it is probably more likely that my partner creatively interpreted what was said (consciously or subconsciously) as he both: a) worries the therapist will be a man who will sweep me off my feet, or b) worries the therapist will convince me to leave him. Who knows.
Either way, I'm not in a position to go to meetings or see a therapy at the moment anyway on account of my location and the language barrier. But you, on the other hand, have options. Go to the meetings. If you aren't afraid of a possible physical reaction, don't lie about it... just go. He can't possibly be justified in being upset. Like you, I was put off by the higher power thing as I am not religious at all, but I like Mike's idea of condensing the steps into three big ones with no religion attached. If only I could actually get to a meeting so I knew exactly how these steps actually work!
I wish you all the very best. It's hard to get your confidence back when you have been subtly manipulated into feeling trapped and powerless for years, but try to visualise the strong woman you once were. She's still in there, you just have to get her out of the house.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Audrey1
He can't possibly be justified in being upset.
At this point, I have absolutely no interest in staying married; I recently told my brother that my two favorite words in the English language right now are "LIVING" and "ALONE." I am going to try and wait until my youngest goes off to college in the fall - I don't want to blight his senior year or his summer with any of this, and I need to find employment other than at my husband's company - but if I have to, I'll leave sooner. I can't even begin to describe what a relief it will be to just get out of this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 20
Hi Jan,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I am in a very similar situation.
The phrase about being a hostage is so true, I hadnt thought of it like that before.
Let us know how the al-anon meetings go, good luck with them
The only advice I can give is you must look after yourself and keep yourself well.
I hope you can aim for that life of 'living alone' and I am sure your children will understand and support you.
Wishing you all the best.... luck, love and courage xx
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I am in a very similar situation.
The phrase about being a hostage is so true, I hadnt thought of it like that before.
Let us know how the al-anon meetings go, good luck with them
The only advice I can give is you must look after yourself and keep yourself well.
I hope you can aim for that life of 'living alone' and I am sure your children will understand and support you.
Wishing you all the best.... luck, love and courage xx
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