MamaKit

Hi all,
Last week STBAXH had a visit with the boys over the long weekend. It was a highly negotiated visit. It went really well. I even received some cordial emails from him about how well the boys were doing and promises that past due child support would be in the mail soon.

(I say to myself) Ahhhh, he has had his epiphany at last! He has seen the light and will communicate with respect. We will make progress to a normal co-parenting relationship. The booze brain is gone - rational thought had taken over.

Wait, hold on a minute? SR file of advice in my brain.....recollection of numerous threads ---alarms go off.

Codie attack averted. I ask myself: Do people really change so dramatically overnight? Has he ever played nice/nice before to get me where he wants me? Don't we have mediation coming up on the 29th?

I maintained some smidgen of wishful thinking that maybe it was a sharp turn in the right direction. But more was revealed today. He did not see the light. No epiphany as far as I can tell. All that good behavior was a show. I really have no way of knowing but I think he is probably still drinking.

He argued at mediation today that he had a good visit with the boys and was nice to me last weekend (no nasty emails for a change) - thus, he should be rewarded with a contact schedule that has no restrictions, terms or qualifications. He doesn't put terms on my contact with the boys so there should be no terms on his. (Uhhhhh????....I am not a rageful alcoholic who threatened to kill my spouse and forced my spouse and kids to go into hiding for days). I proposed a graduated plan that would increase his contact over time as we had more successful visits. Working in overnights gradually with the hope of getting to a standard co-parent contact schedule if he stayed sober and all went well.

So, unfortunately, I have now become a testament to the wisdom shared here. More will be revealed. Listen to your A's actions not just the words. And so on and so forth.

I am still struggling with self doubt - questioning whether I am doing the right thing. My codie brain and my recovering brain are battling it out. It's exhausting.

Thanks for letting me get it out in words. I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone about it today.

Thanks
MamaKit

lizatola

UGH, based on my last post, I can see this in my AH if we split. One or two days of good behavior should give him a break? I totally understand the battle between the codie brain and the recovering brain, it's one of the reasons I keep coming back here and going to my meetings. Without them I'd probably be in a straightjacket.

ReflectingOnMe

Seems as though you are doing the right thing..a graduated visitation schedule is a fair one (under the circumstances). It amazes me how even when it is over; they still try to manipulate with sweet talk! Glad you recognized it for what it was.

PohsFriend

Hmmmmmm...........

Well this is a tough one for me to say but I think the graduated schedule idea is very logical and looks good on paper but in practice I have some concerns.

Mamakit - you said he threatened to kill you and forced you and the kids into hiding... Is that something that can be proven? If not then your bargaining position is not what it would be. If you have documented DV committed by a man the Courts are usually brutal. My DD's mom was facing felony assault charges againt me when we had our last go-round and it was still tough for me to win but flip it around to where the man has a documented history of violence toward the woman and I have yet to hear of a case where the man wasn't just obliterated if he fought.

The thing with a graduated schedule is that people can stand on their head for a long time if they have to. With respect, I would strongly urge you to make sure that there are some fundamental items in there that never go away. He says he is sober? Great! How about Soberlink - court ordered - starting 24 hours before he gets the kids and ending when he drops them off?

How much can you prove? ...if you can prove it then pretty much anything you agree to now is just you being generous unless there are some bones rattling around in your closet.

DD's mom is more or less at the mercy of what I feel like. For the past five years I have never refused her having DD and have acomodated every extra request she has made but I did not HAVE to. The test I applied was simply whatever my DD was comfortable with and her mom would be impossible to dela with if not for the fact that she has basically no choice but to stick to the rules that are in place. She doesn't know that my DD wrote those rules and doesn't need to - she hates my guts and wishes I was dead but DD has not had to deal with her problems since the time of those orders and as for her hating me... well, I simply don't care.

It is very easy to make the mistake of trying to not hurt the other parent's feelings. That is a noble goal and I really detest those who punish a former spouse who is a good parent just because they can... I would not post this reply if I thought that was you but I sure think it would be nice if you keep agreements on access informal. You can ALWAYS allow the other parent more time than you HAVE TO give them and I certainly do and you certainly SHOULD if he is being a good dad.... just be careful not to give up your oversight if you don't have to.

Sorry - I know this is hard and I don't mean to sound critical when you are busting your tail to do the right thing. Hope my intent is clear....

PohsFriend

PS> What does your lawyer think the Judge in your Court will do? Does your Atty have a lot of prior cases with this judge? If not, I would strongly suggest studying up on your judge and talking to lawyers who spend a lot of time in his/her court.

Judges have quirks just like everyone. Most have a reflexive response if there is any documented history of violence, including threats of violence, by the man. Also... what type of court are you in? In small towns you often have a judge who hears criminal cases one day, family law the next... In other areas like mine there are fulltime family court judges who are 'experts' and know family law back to front.

When I originally got custody of my daughter 15 years ago I took vacation days when my Judge was in session and studied how she dealt with cases, what pissed her off, what scored points with her and what bored her. You miss that when it is your life being ripped apart but when you watch someone else's hearings you see 1000 times more.

I'm wondering why you are mediating with someone when there is DV involved. Most (professional) judges recognize that the victim is almost always sufficiently intimidated that they won't order you to negotiate with someone who scares the pee out of you.

What's your lawyer saying about that? What does he/she think the judge will order if this goes to final hearing????

Sorry - you certainly don't have to answer any of that and hope you don't find me rude for asking. I have this butting my nose in problem that I still need to work on ;-)

MamaKit

Pohsfriend,
I didn't recount my entire story in this post - but I've told it here on SR are few times.

I was granted a protection from abuse order after the incident last June when he threatened to make our children parentless (after we decided to divorce, he forced me out of the house and then got blotto in front of our t 8-year old and passed out). He was arrested but the DA decided not to press charges. He actually lives on the opposite coast and had before the incident because of work. He came home about once a month. He is not really making any money and does not have a residence here to have the kids. We communicate by email only and only in regards to the children and financial issues - per court protection order. (Handy, because I have a file of not-so-nice emails)

The alcohol abuse is tougher to demonstrate with real proof - no DUIs. I am guessing that the soberlink device would be a tough thing to accomplish.
My attorney has been straight with me....I think I have a pretty good sense of what I can expect.

I live in a state with a small population. My understanding is that you get whatever judge is on that day. They organize the docket by type, abuse orders are usually Friday, for example. So, I will have no way of knowing who my judge will be. Of the 4 judges who work in the court where my case will be heard, I've worked professionally in the past with 2 of them (before they were judges). Another, whom I have never met, wrote a book about doing divorce the right way (which I have practically memorized). I'm likely to get this judge I think.

There are no bones in my closet - no concerns there. Lots of advantages in my favor regarding my professional life, family life etc... particularly when compared to him.

Although I will do what I have to do to make sure my boys are safe .... ideally, I want them to have a full relationship with their Dad. Of course, so much depends on him and the choices he makes in that regard. I know I can never go back - my A and I are forever broken....but I would love to be able to have a normal co-parenting relationship with him someday. Again, that's on him.

MamaKit

PohsFriend

The protective order isn't just a big thing, it's a huge thing. Obviously there is nothing that would overvcome that when determining primary custody so it's the details when he visits, right? The nastygrams will play so well in Court if you need them...

So when i was on the board for a certain father's rights organization our goal, at least the bloc that I was part of that was pre dad, not anti-mom, was not to help dads get custody unless that was appropriate. It's a tough thing to figure out what is healthy and appropriate. In one instance it was simply forcing a mom who had full custody - dad was in prison - to stop burning the letter he sent to his kids every day and start letting the kids have them so that Dad had the opportunity to interact within appropriate boundaries. In another instance I remember thinking the guy should only see his kids through thick glass... What is 'Meaningful' really? if he can't be consistent and predictable then limited contact is probably better for the kids.

You don't strike me as being even remotely vengeful - to the contrary.... I'd just offer the suggestion that you carefully ask yourself "Is this what the kids want and will benefit from or am I feeling sorry for him and worrying about his feelings?"

In the case of my DD that was my compass really. Friends and relatives thought I was out of my mind to let my ex off the hook after she ran to another state and filed false abuse allegations... after conclusively proving she was lying (Thank you, God, for one-party telephone recording laws!) I pretty much had a figurative boot on her throat but rather than bear down and push hard on criminal charges and child support and all the other crap I let up and agreed to let her have significant access (50-50 prior to her vacation in the mental hospital 6 years ago) but she would have to move back here, get a job and behave like a human being. Funny... my friends saw it as weak, she saw it as controlling but my DD is nearing college now and we are best friends and discuss everything and she told me a few weeks ago that looking back now she really appreciates that I did not 'get even' because her life has been better as a result. Her mom has no communication with me at all, never pays her half of the things she should and that's OK. She is good to my daughter on wednesday nights and alternating weekends now and my daughter is old enough to decide not to be there if she chooses not to be....

Rambling... just hoping something in there clicks or helps you not feel guilty about doing something he hates if you believe it is best for the cubs. At the end of the day, the one thing in this world I am most proud of is that DD did not grow up like many of us here did and the cycle that goes back many generations officially ended the first time my mom screamed at my daughter 15 years ago - we haven't seen her since.

Sorry you are dealing with this my friend, I know it is so hard when you are trying to be fair but fairness is just not an issue here. If I go nuts some day I told Poh flat out that it is her responsibility to get my son away from me unless/until I am able to be the parent I am now again because that would be protecting me, not hurting me.

Hang in there.

Rosiepetal

Great you are recognising behaviour patterns.
I remember receiving horrible texts which were sometimes followed with ones claiming I was a great mother! Typical addictive behaviour.
My advice, keep all the nasties & positives locked into your phone just in case you need them later.

MamaKit

I've never acted in a vengeful way--- but there have been times when my thoughts have gone it that direction. I do struggle with feeling sorry for him - but I have the right people around me, including a good lawyer and this forum to keep me on track. Thank goodness.