Audrey1

There was a recent thread about pointless circular conversations with alcoholic partners, and I posted about one I had a couple of nights ago.

Had another one last night that outdid that one by a long shot and has left me wanting to tear my hair out.

He took the car to his mechanic friend after work, who is also a dealer. Worried about this, I (stupidly) reminded him of his promise to me not to do any drugs unless I was with him. I realise drugs are bad, can be a trigger to drink again, and he shouldn't do them at all now that he's quit drinking, but he doesn't seem to see a problem, so I can't stop him. To be honest, my care factor is pretty minimal given the dramatically positive change in him since he quit drinking. That being said, he fell down the stairs once when he was stoned and drunk (not sure if it was one, the other, or both to blame) which is why I want him to be with me if he takes drugs, hence the promise. For the record, he is the one who makes the promises. I never ask or push, just state my concerns and he promises.

So, despite my reminder, he took the drugs anyway. When he got home, I could tell immediately, but I doubt he would have denied it anyway. What he does deny, however, is the fact that he did something wrong. Broken promises, what the broken promises mean when it comes to rebuilding my trust in him since he quit, my fear that his promise not to drink again will also be broken... all of it was soon smothered in excuse, after excuse, after excuse.

"I couldn't say no because there were lots of people there doing it. It would have looked strange... I didn't really have it, it was such a small bit. I mostly just pretended to for their sake... You broke that promise to me that one time to call me straight away when you got home from work and you didn't... It's not my fault, they offered and it would have been impolite to say no... I couldn't help it. The other guys didn't know me, so I had to prove I wasn't a cop...You just want to start a fight so we can't enjoy our night...It would have been rude not to. I didn't want to be one of those guys who just drops their car off and picks it up later..."

The list went on. It was mind-numbing. I kept trying to bring the conversation back to the one simple fact - promise made, promise broken. All the fluff around it is irrelevant. I tried to bring up the fact that he seemed to have a greater sense of responsibility to strange men loitering around a garage taking drugs than he did to me. Shot down. I told him we couldn't talk about it rationally as he was clearly under the influence and we were on completely different wavelengths. Shot down. I asked him what breaking a promise to me about taking drugs meant for his promise not to drink. Shot down. I told him of all the research I'd done about taking drugs as a substitute for drinking. Shot down.

He then went on a rant about how everything he was doing was for me. He never had bad intentions. I believe he never did or does have bad intentions, but if I list all the bad things he did (without intention to), it kind of cancels out the absence of bad intention. He went on and on about how hard he's trying to become a better man and be sober, how he's going through a lot of work stress, and that I need to try to understand better and see things from his perspective.

I told him about all the research I have done since I discovered his drinking problem and now in his recovery in an effort to understand and find ways to help him, including talking with him regularly about how he is feeling. I asked him if he ever thought to ask how I am dealing with his alcoholism and recovery, or to read about other people's stories. He replied that all he talks about in his sessions is how bad he feels about what he did to me. I asked him how talking about this in his sessions and working through his guilt was of any direct support to me in dealing with all of this. Silence. "Because it means I am becoming a better man for you."

I wish I hadn't even tried to talk with him about any of this. What a waste of time and tears. At one point, he yelled and said everything is always all about me. "It's always me, me, me, me, isn't it, Audrey. It's always all about you and what you want."

Interesting...

The stupid thing is, he has done so well with quitting drinking. Really, really well, and not touched a drop in almost two months now. But he just doesn't see that I have heard almost all those exact same reasons and excuses before. They are just recycled from his drinking days. I don't know what this means for his "sobriety" or our relationship, but it all feels a little hopeless right now.

thislonelygirl

Im sorry you went through that. Promises are meant to be kept but
As youve said you already know he cant keep a promise with drufs just like he couldnt with alcohol.
Addicts are cunning and will stop one to start another and if anything try to convince us that they stopped doing blank and so they can do blank and that promises mean anything to begin with because they stopped doing blank.
As hurt as you feel and should feel...hes still an addict if hes using anything after the fact thats not medicated and/or in medical use.
More broken promises will follow.
but its a good step in the right direction that you arent pushing anything on him and allowing him to make his own decisions

redatlanta

Well first of all - he isn't sober. That's just stating the obvious - I take it its a better situation without the drinking for NOW but this is a time bomb waiting to go off.

Most importantly you have accepted to manage his drug use and this is a very bad idea. It doesn't matter who suggested it, you accepted the responsibility - this is the definition of co-dependency and enabling. You justify this by saying that he fell when he was stoned hence your reasoning for wanting to be with him when he is using.

LET HIM FALL.

Because if you don't this will continue. You are not helping him, you aren't stopping anything. You are contributing to his addiction when you clean up and manage his mess.

You mention all the ways you are trying to "help" him - this was the hardest lesson for me to learn. You CANNOT help him. You CAN help yourself. Have you gone to Al Anon? Have you done any reading on Co-dependency?

There are no guarantees but if you will end the cycle of co-dependency and enabling it may have a positive influence on your husband - it will give you back your sanity and put you in the proper frame of mind to make the decisions that are best for you and your family.

Very sorry this is happening to you - been there - its maddening and heartbreaking at the same time. Keep posting, reading and educating yourself and look into Al Anon - a lifesafer.

dollydo

Well, how you see him as being in recovery escapes me. He is using drugs, and it is ok with you as long as he uses when your are present, that is your boundery?

Addicts, cannot keep promises, he is in the throws of active addiction, he is not in recovery.

I agree with Red, educate yourself, addiction is a cunning, baffling disease. If you want to stay with him, then stay, but at least have some idea about his disease and start working on yours. Codependency can mentally cripple a person and some hard core codependents suffer physically as well.

hamabi

Through therapy he almost made 2 months sober, and that's really good for an alcoholic. It gave you both a little break from the pressure, something you both needed.

Since the drugs are back the usual pattern is that you'll catch him drinking after he successfully hides it from you for some time, but he'll become increasingly careless. He'll explain that he was keeping it secret to protect you because you do become needlessly upset at his drinking, which he is doing very well at. Those almost 2 months sober (absolutely and completely sober, honest) really changed it for him and things will be much better now that he knows how to manage his alcohol use.

Alcoholics follow patterns that are predictable. Expect no better.

Audrey1

I do know you're all right. You certainly took the sheen off.

Jesus. What a day. I am grateful I don't have to feel this deep depression and despair on a daily basis though. I know many do, so that's something to be thankful for at least because this is just awful.

SparkleKitty

Hang in there, Audrey. Lots of us thinking of you and sending strength your way.

LexieCat

Hi, Audrey,

You got a lot of good feedback there. You are trying to use logic, and everything you say is highly logical. Addiction is NOT logical. The arguments make no sense, the rationalizations make no sense. People caught in addiction are incapable of logic--they will spin rationalizations and arguments that they use to justify what they do, but none of it makes sense, except as a means to sustain the addiction.

Promises WILL be broken. So it is meaningless to ask for them or to believe them when they are made. He may have every intention of keeping the promise when he makes it, but when he doesn't there are a ton of reasons why he couldn't.

I agree with redatlanta, let him fall. It isn't your responsibility to protect him from himself. Not only is it enabling, but it puts him in a position to blame YOU for not doing your job when he screws up.

It is terribly exhausting to try to manage someone else's addiction. You don't have to keep doing it.

Freedom1990

My heart hurts when I read something like this because I was like that once upon a time.

I was willing to accept unacceptable behaviors because I feel I didn't deserve better.

I would like to gently remind you that alcohol is a drug, albeit a legal one which is socially acceptable in this society.

Sending you hugs of support.

Recovering2

I would gently offer that you have to accept that your partner is not sober. He is not sober. He is abstaining from alcohol currently, but he is not sober. He is still using mind/mood altering chemicals, although now they are likely of the illegal kind.

I was taught Expectations are planned resentments. You can't expect him to keep promises, it's not what the addict does. As long as you try to control his activities, ie using in front of you only (how much fun is that for you?) the long non-sensical conversations will continue. You really would benefit from AlAnon and learning to detach from his behaviors. Take care of you. If he falls when he's using, that's called a natural consequence of his behavior. No consequences = No change.