My first day of no contact
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
My first day of no contact
Admission of guilt ahead. I am ashamed. I may as well tell a total group of unknown people, as it may help me.
Over the past month I used my EXRAG's passwords to check her phone records, and also to see if she was traveling to the 3rd parties place (200 miles away). I call her EX because she physically moved out, although we are not yet over. If we were married, we would be "separated." She knew I did this, as I confronted her with the "evidence" to debunk her lies. I needed to see when her affair started - phone records show the calls and texts started months before she moved out. I was clueless. She explained my actions were crazy, but said she understood. In an attempt to admit to powerlessness, I asked her to change all her passwords so I could no longer do this. She thanked me and did - with the exception of her "toll road" password. The weekend before last I checked, and again told her so. She was angry, but more disappointed because I was still showing "old behaviors of control." So I deleted all password docs - gone. Even if I am going out of my mind with codependency, I can physically no longer access any of her electronic accounts. None. I told her this and she thanked me.
Apparently my actions came up in her therapy session on Tuesday- I think I was villified. She brought up the fact that is was illegal, which was never stated before, and I never considered. I didn't hack anything, I had her passwords. And she threw "Illegal" in my face several times in anger. I quietly stomached my thoughts about her driving drunk with the kids in the car so many times over the last 5 years (car swerving, kids crying) is also illegal. Or even the moral and ethical conduct laws that she continues to break... (I made that up, as I don't think there are any such laws)
I have been ignoring her requests for "space to figure out her emotions." What started out as an innocent call to her at work yesterday morning turned into a conversation about said therapy session. She got upset (not angry but sad) about therapist's recommended 3 months of no contact coupled with her fear of losing me. I did call her several more times across the day, and her frustration level with me not respecting her boundary grew and grew. I again called her last night in an attempt for rational adult discussion with no work distractions, which quickly grew into an angry/crying match about me pushing her away with the calls, and her need for space. It culminated with her saying she loved and missed me, but I was "Stalking Her." I was stunned, since I never thought I was doing anything close to that. But I did check her phone and toll records (which I stopped a week ago Monday). And several phone calls today while at work. Is this Stalking? I've seen the TV show "Stalked" on ID - that is far from what I did ... or is it?
Either way, the implication scared me. Never been arrested, don't care to be arrested. She is now getting her space.
So Day 1 is halfway through. I am cycling through being depressed, hurt, angry, regretful and shameful.
All comments (good/bad) requested.
Over the past month I used my EXRAG's passwords to check her phone records, and also to see if she was traveling to the 3rd parties place (200 miles away). I call her EX because she physically moved out, although we are not yet over. If we were married, we would be "separated." She knew I did this, as I confronted her with the "evidence" to debunk her lies. I needed to see when her affair started - phone records show the calls and texts started months before she moved out. I was clueless. She explained my actions were crazy, but said she understood. In an attempt to admit to powerlessness, I asked her to change all her passwords so I could no longer do this. She thanked me and did - with the exception of her "toll road" password. The weekend before last I checked, and again told her so. She was angry, but more disappointed because I was still showing "old behaviors of control." So I deleted all password docs - gone. Even if I am going out of my mind with codependency, I can physically no longer access any of her electronic accounts. None. I told her this and she thanked me.
Apparently my actions came up in her therapy session on Tuesday- I think I was villified. She brought up the fact that is was illegal, which was never stated before, and I never considered. I didn't hack anything, I had her passwords. And she threw "Illegal" in my face several times in anger. I quietly stomached my thoughts about her driving drunk with the kids in the car so many times over the last 5 years (car swerving, kids crying) is also illegal. Or even the moral and ethical conduct laws that she continues to break... (I made that up, as I don't think there are any such laws)
I have been ignoring her requests for "space to figure out her emotions." What started out as an innocent call to her at work yesterday morning turned into a conversation about said therapy session. She got upset (not angry but sad) about therapist's recommended 3 months of no contact coupled with her fear of losing me. I did call her several more times across the day, and her frustration level with me not respecting her boundary grew and grew. I again called her last night in an attempt for rational adult discussion with no work distractions, which quickly grew into an angry/crying match about me pushing her away with the calls, and her need for space. It culminated with her saying she loved and missed me, but I was "Stalking Her." I was stunned, since I never thought I was doing anything close to that. But I did check her phone and toll records (which I stopped a week ago Monday). And several phone calls today while at work. Is this Stalking? I've seen the TV show "Stalked" on ID - that is far from what I did ... or is it?
Either way, the implication scared me. Never been arrested, don't care to be arrested. She is now getting her space.
So Day 1 is halfway through. I am cycling through being depressed, hurt, angry, regretful and shameful.
All comments (good/bad) requested.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Just my opinion based on what I've read: Yes, leave her alone.
Not what you want to hear/read, but if she has told you repeatedly to stop contact and you keep at it, I think that would be stalking in some sense of the word, legal or not.
Give her a rest, give yourself a rest, give the relationship a rest. Please.
Peace to you,
C-OH Dad
Not what you want to hear/read, but if she has told you repeatedly to stop contact and you keep at it, I think that would be stalking in some sense of the word, legal or not.
Give her a rest, give yourself a rest, give the relationship a rest. Please.
Peace to you,
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
No contact has been great for me and my recovery. I am separated from AW.
No contact has given me the space I need to see how crazy my life was and how good it feels to be off the crazy train.
I still have a little contact with her of finances and taxes and such but it is strictly on topic. If she starts to go into 'us' conversations I hang up or simply ignore it if it is an email.
It was hard to do at first but I soon found that my life began to settle down, I wasn't always worried about what was next and I could even relax and take it easy.
Good luck with your NC.
Your friend,
No contact has given me the space I need to see how crazy my life was and how good it feels to be off the crazy train.
I still have a little contact with her of finances and taxes and such but it is strictly on topic. If she starts to go into 'us' conversations I hang up or simply ignore it if it is an email.
It was hard to do at first but I soon found that my life began to settle down, I wasn't always worried about what was next and I could even relax and take it easy.
Good luck with your NC.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Good luck with the NC. I'm telling you Crazed, we must be long lost twins. Everything you write sounds just like me. Everyone (on SR and in "real life") has been telling me to give my husband space, stop texting, stop emailing, stop calling and I really do try everyday. Yesterday I did good and today I haven't called him...so what text did I get at 730 this morning...a sarcastic "thanks a lot for having the kids calls before they went to school this morning". Oops. But pretty sure no matter what I do, it would be wrong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
I don't know how to put it gently, but you are definately stalking her. A few of your posts on here remind me of an ex of mine that stalked me ( and 5 years later, I am still fearful when I run in to him). He never struck me, but his stalking behavior had me terrified.
In Ohio, a person commits the crime of "menacing by stalking" by engaging in a pattern of conduct (2 or more times) that the stalker knows will cause another person mental distress or cause that person to believe that the stalker will cause physical harm to her or him.
Stalking includes callings, driving by, texting, hacking, emailing, letters, following their car, trying to get info from her family/friends/coworkers on where she is and who she is with, on what she is doing (more than 2 times after she has requested you stopped).
I know this is an awful, awful time for you. Have you tried contacting anyone that could help? I, have contacted my physician and a therapist (as well as Alanon), I know that I am being irrational about my own break up. He LEFT me and at first I was just as lost and confused as anyone. When I found out he was cheating on me and that he wanted to be with some random woman he met on FB. I waited (until the next a.m. when he was sober, to verify the fact that he wanted her), He wanted her and I packed my car the same day and I haven't looked back. No email, no texts, no anything. I left valuable things behind, I left memories behind and I left him behind.
May peace be with you.
In Ohio, a person commits the crime of "menacing by stalking" by engaging in a pattern of conduct (2 or more times) that the stalker knows will cause another person mental distress or cause that person to believe that the stalker will cause physical harm to her or him.
Stalking includes callings, driving by, texting, hacking, emailing, letters, following their car, trying to get info from her family/friends/coworkers on where she is and who she is with, on what she is doing (more than 2 times after she has requested you stopped).
I know this is an awful, awful time for you. Have you tried contacting anyone that could help? I, have contacted my physician and a therapist (as well as Alanon), I know that I am being irrational about my own break up. He LEFT me and at first I was just as lost and confused as anyone. When I found out he was cheating on me and that he wanted to be with some random woman he met on FB. I waited (until the next a.m. when he was sober, to verify the fact that he wanted her), He wanted her and I packed my car the same day and I haven't looked back. No email, no texts, no anything. I left valuable things behind, I left memories behind and I left him behind.
May peace be with you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I do believe that trying to contact someone after they have asked you not to, does qualify as stalking.
Don't get me wrong, I have been guilty of doing the same thing myself but it's really better not to.
Plus you get some of your dignity intact...
Don't get me wrong, I have been guilty of doing the same thing myself but it's really better not to.
Plus you get some of your dignity intact...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Thanks all. I have never meant mental distress to her, and I am completely non-violent. We have been together for 13 years, and she knows this. She is not afraid of me, nor should she be.
Good grief - I am actually the one in distress. She has been emotionally abusive to me for years with her alcoholism, lies, and all the other goodies that come with.
Good grief - I am actually the one in distress. She has been emotionally abusive to me for years with her alcoholism, lies, and all the other goodies that come with.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I'm sorry, I really am, these things do spin out of control when you are in complete chaos.
Please take comfort in the fact that the majority of us here know this place you are in. Reading your post tore me up, I remember the moment so vividly, the day I knew I had to stop engaging or it was going get too ugly.
It's a painful place to be, you will rebuild. One minute at a time some days but the light is ahead.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers sir. These days have been very difficult for you, it is evident in your posts. You are courageous to come here and put it all out there, big step, I truly am in awe of how much work you have done is such a short time.
Peace to you , much love Katie xo
Please take comfort in the fact that the majority of us here know this place you are in. Reading your post tore me up, I remember the moment so vividly, the day I knew I had to stop engaging or it was going get too ugly.
It's a painful place to be, you will rebuild. One minute at a time some days but the light is ahead.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers sir. These days have been very difficult for you, it is evident in your posts. You are courageous to come here and put it all out there, big step, I truly am in awe of how much work you have done is such a short time.
Peace to you , much love Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Very glad to hear that you are taking some healthy steps for yourself crazed!!!!!
This is how it begins, one babystep at a time.
Each day will present it's own challenge, but when I went no contact, it was a "just for today" mentality that got me thru. I would wake up and say to myself " I can do anything for just ONE day" and it just snowballs, and before I knew it a month had gone by, and I was feeling pretty damn good.
No drama, no lies, no denial, and NO TEARS. Just to wake up without the stress of daily life with an addict, it's an amazing feeling. Hoping to here your amazing feelings in 29 days........ When you are feeling low, we will be here, feel free to vent away.......
Also now is as good of a time to reconnect with friends and family, keep yourself busy doing anything and everything, Get out of the house and explore your world free of the addiction. You maybe pleasantly surprised of what you have been missing. Hang in there, friend.
This is how it begins, one babystep at a time.
Each day will present it's own challenge, but when I went no contact, it was a "just for today" mentality that got me thru. I would wake up and say to myself " I can do anything for just ONE day" and it just snowballs, and before I knew it a month had gone by, and I was feeling pretty damn good.
No drama, no lies, no denial, and NO TEARS. Just to wake up without the stress of daily life with an addict, it's an amazing feeling. Hoping to here your amazing feelings in 29 days........ When you are feeling low, we will be here, feel free to vent away.......
Also now is as good of a time to reconnect with friends and family, keep yourself busy doing anything and everything, Get out of the house and explore your world free of the addiction. You maybe pleasantly surprised of what you have been missing. Hang in there, friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Thank you all for the encouragement. It really helps. Today I had a great work lunch, went to the gym, and had some homemade chicken soup i made yesterday for dinner. And i obsessed about her, spent some time in anger, and also cried. Busy day.
Why is loving somebody so difficut and painful. Oh yeah, it shouldn't be.
During one of the conversations I stated that we would have a perfect relationship if we could just remove the alcoholism and the codependency. Wishful thinking.
Why is loving somebody so difficut and painful. Oh yeah, it shouldn't be.
During one of the conversations I stated that we would have a perfect relationship if we could just remove the alcoholism and the codependency. Wishful thinking.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Regardless of whether your conduct meets the legal definition of stalking in your State, in many states it would qualify. And forget about the legalities for the moment--the reason it is illegal is that it is very emotionally upsetting to feel that someone is watching your every move. You never feel safe, your sense of privacy and security is gone. It doesn't matter if you have never been violent or never would be violent. You MUST find other ways to cope with feelings of loss or fear of abandonment. Get therapy, vent here, but leave her and her business alone. And, if she has said no contact and she calls you, don't assume that means all contact is once again welcome.
I don't think you sound like a horrible human being, you are a hurting human being. But you must respect someone else's space and rights (even if she has wronged you or someone else in the past).
I don't think you sound like a horrible human being, you are a hurting human being. But you must respect someone else's space and rights (even if she has wronged you or someone else in the past).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Good luck with the NC. Some days will be easier than others, but hopefully you will feel the benefit of not speaking to her - less anxiety, less chaos.
I had/have passwords to two of AH's accounts. I did occasionally check one of them - an account to a local home goods store, and felt myself appalled that he bought a new 60-inch TV and surround speakers. How dare he! That's when I realized this is nuts and that I no longer will look at his accounts, I made up my mind. Doesn't mean I don't think about it, but I do not act on it.
I stopped looking at his Facebook page too. I deleted him off mine and felt so relieved when I did. But, I discovered his profile is public, so I could still check up on him. Seeing pics of him having fun, wtf - he should be miserable w/o me. I'm at 6-weeks and haven't looked. I've been damn close to giving in and checking, but seeing things just led my mind to wander and obsess. I do enough of that on my own, I don't need to add fuel to the fire. Also, he is an alcoholic, he is miserable all the time! Pics don't mean ****.
I had/have passwords to two of AH's accounts. I did occasionally check one of them - an account to a local home goods store, and felt myself appalled that he bought a new 60-inch TV and surround speakers. How dare he! That's when I realized this is nuts and that I no longer will look at his accounts, I made up my mind. Doesn't mean I don't think about it, but I do not act on it.
I stopped looking at his Facebook page too. I deleted him off mine and felt so relieved when I did. But, I discovered his profile is public, so I could still check up on him. Seeing pics of him having fun, wtf - he should be miserable w/o me. I'm at 6-weeks and haven't looked. I've been damn close to giving in and checking, but seeing things just led my mind to wander and obsess. I do enough of that on my own, I don't need to add fuel to the fire. Also, he is an alcoholic, he is miserable all the time! Pics don't mean ****.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Crazed, calling someone several times at work in one day is excessive. You can't possibly have any reason for doing so, except an unhealthy obsession. Give yourself a break, hang on to your dignity and leave her be for a while. I do understand how it is, having gone through a painful breakup and I had to keep a strong grip on myself.
Sounds like you are making a real effort.
Sounds like you are making a real effort.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Crazed,
First off, I want you to know you are not crazy...the disease of alcoholism and in turn codependency makes us crazy! If I remember correctly, you said you were an attractive guy who had no problem before this meeting people, basically that you had your sh*t together. Find that person again. Yes, you wanted to prove she lied (no surprise there) and you called her hoping for a different response or answer...but it doesn't exist. It isn't there. there is NO GOOD REASON for her to start a relatinoship while with you, and try to keep you on a string while in rehab. Empower yourself. recognize that you are more "in love" with the thought of who she was/could be, than who she actually has proven herself to be. often i hear on SR "take the alcohol out of the a$$hole, they are still an a$$hole". True dat. She is now sober and starting recovery, but she is still lying, contacting the other guy, trying to keep up her juggling act. Don't be the villian for her. Don't be that person. Stop calling, block her number from your phone.
I used to do all the things you describe. I was obscessed with checking phone records, text messages, all of it. I would catch her in lies and then she would offer a lame excuse (I forgot, or was waiting before I told you). Did it change anything? No. I wrote an email in response to her repeated requests to see my kids, more for myself than for her. In it I said "how dare you say the things you did? Not one person in your life could hold a candle to me. period." You need to feel that. You would never want someone you loved, like your mom or sister, to be treated the way you are treated. Have the same anger for yourself. YOU deserve better. You deserve someone to worship the ground you walk on, and think you are better than sliced bread. You can't fix this.
First off, I want you to know you are not crazy...the disease of alcoholism and in turn codependency makes us crazy! If I remember correctly, you said you were an attractive guy who had no problem before this meeting people, basically that you had your sh*t together. Find that person again. Yes, you wanted to prove she lied (no surprise there) and you called her hoping for a different response or answer...but it doesn't exist. It isn't there. there is NO GOOD REASON for her to start a relatinoship while with you, and try to keep you on a string while in rehab. Empower yourself. recognize that you are more "in love" with the thought of who she was/could be, than who she actually has proven herself to be. often i hear on SR "take the alcohol out of the a$$hole, they are still an a$$hole". True dat. She is now sober and starting recovery, but she is still lying, contacting the other guy, trying to keep up her juggling act. Don't be the villian for her. Don't be that person. Stop calling, block her number from your phone.
I used to do all the things you describe. I was obscessed with checking phone records, text messages, all of it. I would catch her in lies and then she would offer a lame excuse (I forgot, or was waiting before I told you). Did it change anything? No. I wrote an email in response to her repeated requests to see my kids, more for myself than for her. In it I said "how dare you say the things you did? Not one person in your life could hold a candle to me. period." You need to feel that. You would never want someone you loved, like your mom or sister, to be treated the way you are treated. Have the same anger for yourself. YOU deserve better. You deserve someone to worship the ground you walk on, and think you are better than sliced bread. You can't fix this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Crazed - congrats on making this positive step of no contact. I think we have all at times found ourselves desperate and doing things for our own sanity (or seeming so) to find relief in this type of situation.
One thing I might point out that you mentioned - she herself has broken the law a multitude of times driving drunk. Tit for tat doesn't work - her actions DO NOT negate your actions. They don't rationalize your actions, it doesn't make what you have done ok. Because she put YOU through hell with her drinking also doesn't give you the right to put HER through hell in her recovery. If my bf policed me the way you are her we would be DONE - I don't care what basis he felt authority to do so it would scare the hell out of me.
Keep yourself busy - you can accomplish this!
One thing I might point out that you mentioned - she herself has broken the law a multitude of times driving drunk. Tit for tat doesn't work - her actions DO NOT negate your actions. They don't rationalize your actions, it doesn't make what you have done ok. Because she put YOU through hell with her drinking also doesn't give you the right to put HER through hell in her recovery. If my bf policed me the way you are her we would be DONE - I don't care what basis he felt authority to do so it would scare the hell out of me.
Keep yourself busy - you can accomplish this!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Lies and insanit
After living with a woman who lied, had affairs and was just insane I changed for the worst. I lived in fear always. Many times I gathered evidense and proof of her lies and BS. Guess what? Made me a sick man and she did not care or change. After years of living this life of hell I ended up at the doors of an AlaNon meeting. Today I know I am a good man. I am a good father and I was a good husband(she left last year). I cried and cried in meetings, how embarrassing! People told me life would change if I tried to work the program and kept coming back. They were right
!!! When insanity broke out in all it's ways around me I could ignor it or call somebody or leave, I learned I was actually a free man.
Dude: Stop the craziness and get to meetings, NOW!
!!! When insanity broke out in all it's ways around me I could ignor it or call somebody or leave, I learned I was actually a free man.Dude: Stop the craziness and get to meetings, NOW!
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