sadstate

Alanon is new to me. I think I'm just now starting to 'get' it! LOL Should I tell my AH that I will no longer look after him when he’s drunk, no longer call his job with excuses, no longer drag him from a party before he embarrasses us? Should I tell him I will no longer interrogate him, cry , bet, and plead for him to stop. Or..... should I just DO it ??

CentralOhioDad

I don't go to AlAnon yet, but my answer to all your questions is this: NO, don't tell him anything. Let your actions speak for themselves and he will notice. Words mean nothing to him, just like their words of 'cutting back', 'slowing down', etc., mean nothing to us. It's when (or if) they actually DO something is when we take notice.

Same applies here. Get better, get healthier, and do what you need to do for you, and he'll get the message if he's sober enough long enough.

Keep up the good work!

C-OH Dad

redatlanta

I didn't come home and announce it but I did eventually tell him. I believe it was when he had told me definitively that he had decided to drink again (unbeknowst to me he already was). Then I very calmly told him "own it". The list of things I would no longer do. The list of things that could happen to him that I would not help out with.

Its too bad it came to a relapse before I saw and started working on my own codependent problems. Regardless of alcoholism I shouldn't have been doing half the sh** I was doing for him when he was still sober.

Recovering2

I'm fairly new to AlAnon as well. I wouldn't make a point of telling him what you've learned. He may just resent AlAnon if he's still active in his drinking. I started to make changes for my self, and my ABF noticed. When the opportunities arose, I would tell him. For example, on the way home from my parents at T'giving, he was feeling sick since he hadn't had a drink all afternoon. He asked me to please stop at a mini-mart so he could get a "small" bottle. I told him I would not be a participant in his disease, and that included driving him somewhere for liquor. I didn't specifically mention AlAnon, but that's where I got the knowledge and strength to change.

firebolt

He knows I go to Alanon, and knows what Alanon is. I have never outright told him my boundaries in a list, but most of them have come up here and there, and when they have, I have expressed them.

"Will you grab me some orange juice on your way home?" (to mix with my vodka) No, I will never buy vodka or your chasers for you ever again. I do not support your drinking.

"I need smokes and have been drinking, can you drive me to the store?" No, I was going to take a bath and read my magazine."

As he starts slamming vodka early one night - "I do not want to sleep next to you when you've been drinking. You kick, spit, yell, swear, poke, and toss and turn. I have to work in the morning and I do not get any sleep when you go to bed drunk. Please sleep in the guest room, because I no longer want to sleep next to you when you're drunk."

As hes making his 5th drink Xmas eve before my family dinner at my brothers, I say "I have told you before that I do not want you drunk around my family - I am not taking you with me tonight."

Believe me, your opportunity to tell him will come up. Sorry you are in this position - but you are doing the right thing. Alanon, boundaries, and taking care of yourself make ALL the difference. Best to you!

PippiLngstockng

For me, by my second Al Anon meeting, which was only 6 months ago, AH was so out of control that that night I called the police and for the first time didn't let him stay in the house at night. It wasn't just the meetings, it was also that his behavior was scary and I was finally 'getting it', plus I had spent quite a bit of time in the past year as a semi single parent and knew that I could take charge of running our 4 child household pretty independently.

But I write emails to him with references to Al Anon teachings. He doesn't comment on these. Actually though, I have stopped because outside of logistical things I am as no contact as I can be.

I would bring up Al Anon because I was sick of the stoney silences re: the topic of alcohol. My dv advocate says I should quit referring to alcohol with him cause this makes him crazy...

Btw, I find the teachings of Al Anon truly helpful but I found that moving ahead doing fun and forward-moving activities more rewarding ultimately. When I see all of those sad faces around the table it scares me sometimes.