Struggling...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 31
Struggling...
I'm trying to go no contact with my abf. I have stopped accepting his collect calls from prison. I know in one day he called me at least 10 times and they are limited for time to make calls. He's been sending letters now. I know I shouldn't have even read the letters, but I just couldn't resist. One letter was kind of a "dear john" letter. He said he is letting me go, I've changed since I started all my groups, and he isn't going to write me anymore. The next letter was a list of apprenticeship programs he wants to try to get into when he is released. The last letter was telling me what they were talking about in his NA meeting. I did tell him in one of the last letters I wrote to him that I didn't trust him to go through recovery and that his stories were BS, so that's probably why He's writing about NA and all; to pull me back in. I haven't written back!
I'm struggling with letting go, I guess really with everything. I've always been the type of person that will reach out and help others if I can. I'm always the shoulder to cry on, you know what I mean. Above all I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Telling my abf to basically figure it out on his own is hard for me. I feel like I'm abandoning him when he needs help. I've been reading a lot on this site and other sites, but it's still hard for me. I feel like I'm not being myself. How do you handle theses feeling?
I'm struggling with letting go, I guess really with everything. I've always been the type of person that will reach out and help others if I can. I'm always the shoulder to cry on, you know what I mean. Above all I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Telling my abf to basically figure it out on his own is hard for me. I feel like I'm abandoning him when he needs help. I've been reading a lot on this site and other sites, but it's still hard for me. I feel like I'm not being myself. How do you handle theses feeling?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Hi. My ABF was in jail for the month of July. I got the letters too. I believed every word in them .That he was really doing some thinking, didn't want a life like this, was going to do everyhting in his power to be a better man. When he was let out he spent the month of August doing coke and drinking all day everyday. He then spent 3 months in a sober house. His life was going to change. He got a job, a great new place to live. I once again believed everything would be ok. I stayed with him, helped him out. Let him use my car when he needed it, bought some groceries.etc, etc. He moved into the new place Dec first. Had the money for the security deposit and first months rent. Is making decent enough money to finally live a nice life. It is now January. His rent is late due to not getting holiday pay, he went from a few beers a day to probably a 12pk, to loosen up after work you know.He is know back into hard alcohol. The reason I am on SR today is last night I foung the needles. The ones he promised I would never see again. I loved him with all my heart. He lied and used me and I don't believe he gives a crap. Go no contact. If he is like mine, he will bleed you dry and not give a damn.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
SoConfused, I know it feels like we aren't being ourselves when we ignore our addicted loved ones, but helping an addict and helping a friend that is crying and needs advice are two very different things.
Your boyfriend isn't capable of being rational and until he chooses sobriety, he isn't fully capable of love either. If he is addicted then his time and effort is focused on one thing and one thing only, getting his DOC. If he means what he is saying in those letters then time will tell. When he released, if he is serious, he will do those programs and keep going to NA. If he gets out and goes right back to his old ways, well then you know that he never meant a damn word he said.
Take this time to focus on yourself and get yourself emotioanlly and physically healthy. He is going to keep sending the letters, because, well he knows you and he knows what strings to pull at to get a response. For your own sanity and well being don't open them. The longer you don't answer the more desperate he will become to pull you back and there is no need for you to get hurt or manipulated.
Take care of yourself,
Maylie
Your boyfriend isn't capable of being rational and until he chooses sobriety, he isn't fully capable of love either. If he is addicted then his time and effort is focused on one thing and one thing only, getting his DOC. If he means what he is saying in those letters then time will tell. When he released, if he is serious, he will do those programs and keep going to NA. If he gets out and goes right back to his old ways, well then you know that he never meant a damn word he said.
Take this time to focus on yourself and get yourself emotioanlly and physically healthy. He is going to keep sending the letters, because, well he knows you and he knows what strings to pull at to get a response. For your own sanity and well being don't open them. The longer you don't answer the more desperate he will become to pull you back and there is no need for you to get hurt or manipulated.
Take care of yourself,
Maylie
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Trust me I know. Look up stupid in the dictionary you see me. 
You would not believe (or would you, we sound alike) the things I put up with. He frickin spit on me once. He never bought me little tokens of affection, like a boyfriend does. He lied every day of our relationship, stole from me, hit me. The one thing I never suspected and was never an issue was cheating. I think that would have been my rock bottom. Ya what though it would not suprise me anymore if I found out he had. Nothing would suprise me about him. The nice thing is, I don't give a flip anymore. When I caught him shooting coke the first time I literally threw up, I was shaking and bawling. It hit me that hard. I had never seen anyone with a needle mark in their arm. Anywho, I trusted , believed, denied, hoped and 2 and a half years later, we are where we have always been. I do not see anything changing ever. Oh and this time when I found them, I think deep inside I knew eventually I would. I simply packed up my things from his place ( he wasnt home from work yet) left a simple non comfrontational note explaining what I found and left. Went home and ignored the two messages I got later. After all weahd been through together they werent even apologies they were accusations. sad
You would not believe (or would you, we sound alike) the things I put up with. He frickin spit on me once. He never bought me little tokens of affection, like a boyfriend does. He lied every day of our relationship, stole from me, hit me. The one thing I never suspected and was never an issue was cheating. I think that would have been my rock bottom. Ya what though it would not suprise me anymore if I found out he had. Nothing would suprise me about him. The nice thing is, I don't give a flip anymore. When I caught him shooting coke the first time I literally threw up, I was shaking and bawling. It hit me that hard. I had never seen anyone with a needle mark in their arm. Anywho, I trusted , believed, denied, hoped and 2 and a half years later, we are where we have always been. I do not see anything changing ever. Oh and this time when I found them, I think deep inside I knew eventually I would. I simply packed up my things from his place ( he wasnt home from work yet) left a simple non comfrontational note explaining what I found and left. Went home and ignored the two messages I got later. After all weahd been through together they werent even apologies they were accusations. sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 31
The thing is he showed me his true colors when he was home before. Actually, I didn't even know that drugs were an issue until he came home about 3 months ago. Before that I had never even been around a drug user! Of course he went right to using drugs and got in trouble because he was so busy chasing his DOC. On top of that he was in a treatment program that he was supposed to go to every day as well as private counseling! So, a short 2 months later I'm supposed to believe he has a new found determination to get clean, yeah right! My mind knows all this, it's my heart that's a mess. I am still no contact though! I can do no contact, but there will be a time that I have to face it. Uggghhhh!!!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Things drug addicts say from prison:
1) THIS time is it/I'm done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can't do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I'm worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn't leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don't belong here, I'm an addict, I'm not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I'm getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I'm so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I'm hungry, can you put some money on my books
Stay no contact, you cannot help him, you have a choice, go down with the ship or save yourself.
1) THIS time is it/I'm done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can't do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I'm worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn't leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don't belong here, I'm an addict, I'm not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I'm getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I'm so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I'm hungry, can you put some money on my books
Stay no contact, you cannot help him, you have a choice, go down with the ship or save yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Hi everyone...this is one of my first few reply posts and I'm new to the site a few days! I'm in a similar situation but have different viewpoints I thought id share in case they may help soconfused! My bf is locked up as well...hid the entire drug addiction by saying it was his past and not current...I had no clue on his oxy addiction and howhe was stealing....he was an angel, how could this happen? He lived a lie and those were his words from jail to me....that's he's rglad to not have to live a lie anymore w me. I knew he did pot but that was all I knew. My thoughts are different bcuz why does it seemmost people on the site say the guys don't love them and don't answer the calls from jail?? Why can't these guys love u but have a disease?? My bf did not steal from me nor let me use money on him or us. Why can't these guys have possibly hit rock bottom and be possibly on the road to recovery and becoming sobor?
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