wishingdreaming

I broke up with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend about a year and a half ago but we cut off contact completely about 8 months ago when I realized he was in a serious relationship with someone else, I thought we were on the verge of getting back together and she had moved in with him. I am so thankful for this community because it helped me to stay strong and provided me with a lot of good advice including books and encouragement to go to counseling.

He has reached out to me several times since we cut off contact and finally one day curiousity overruled my common sense and we started e-mailing (he's still blocked on my phone and facebook). As far as I know he is still living with the same girl but he's been pretty forward about being available to hook up if I am still interested. I've also seen him out at the bars several times, both times he was sitting at the bar alone and I avoided him.

I came back and started reading these boards just prior to the holidays to try to remind myself that this is what they do and he isn't anything special and unless he commits to changing his life he won't turn into the perfect boyfriend, husband, father for anyone else (or me). And it isn't a reflection of me at all, it's a reflection of him.

Sorry I am rambling a little but I wanted to get this out and all of my friends would be extremely upset that I even e-mailed him, let alone actually considered taking him up on the friends with benefits type proposition. I've decided that my e-mails with him prove he hasn't changed and turned into the perfect boyfriend, which is what I thought happened so that makes me feel a little better. We broke up due to his drinking but I'm almost 100% certain he cheated on me. I hate to admit that I feel better now, but I do feel better that it sounds like the new girlfriend has to deal with the crap I had to deal with.

Has anyone else had any troubles dating "normal" guys after a relationship with an alcoholic? A few months after ending contact w/the ex I met a very nice guy who treated me great but after about 2 months I just couldn't stand the "boring" relationship. I'm hoping that I'm not going to be cursed going forward. I think I am going to go back to counseling; that was what helped the most but after a few months of actual no contact I felt like I was over him and quit counseling to save money.

I guess my main question is how to have a normal relationship? Is it possible? Do you recognize the symptoms of alcoholics or that personality type or are you still drawn to them? I am not looking to jump back into a relationship by any means but I'm at the point in my life where I want marriage and kids in the next few years. I've had 3 serious relationships and 2 of the 3 guys were alcoholics so I must be drawn to that personality type. Alcoholism does not run in my family and my parents rarely drank when we were growing up.

Thanks for reading and good luck to everyone going through this.

iamthird

I could have written your post if it werent for my ex is my husband and we have children. You sound so healthy! Be proud of yourself!! Anyway, my suggestion is to be gentle with yourself and take it slowly. Maybe you need time to heal from the wounds of being in a relationship with active A. It can take years! Use this forum and stay strong!

LadyinBC

When I was in daytox one of the classes was on family roles. The speaker came from an alcoholic family, married an alcoholic, become addicted to painkillers, divorced her husband. She got off the pills and found a boyfriend who was an alcoholic.

She said some people do this because they have unfinished business with the first relationship or family. If that makes any sense. She figured she could fix her parents and when that failed she kept picking people to fix. Just food for thought, not saying that is your problem. I just thought it was quite interesting.

Recover53

Being around sick people makes me sick. Being around healthy people makes me well and keeps me very healthy. This forum is simply awesome. But, When I made time to go to a Thursday night meeting, every Thursday, not matter what the sick one in my life thought, I got better. Fear started to go away. Good decisions for ME started happening. I was no longer alone. I started learning tools I could use anytime to take care of me. Please take a hour out of your day and go to an AlaNon meeting. It made all the difference for me. I know you'll be glad you went. Tell them your online friends sent you!

dollydo

I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home. It was drama, drama and more drama. That was what I learned...if there was no drama, I was bored.

Thank god I've gotten over that, I now cherish peace and tranquility. If I feel a need for the drama, I turn on the TV!

NYCDoglvr

Codependents must also change or we'll keep picking the same person over and over. We're sick too, we become obsessed with other people. I recommend Alanon, lots of meetings, a sponsor and working the Steps.

wishingdreaming

Thank you for your encouragement, I plan to start counseling again this week. I've come too far to let him back in my life. I need to focus on me, not him.

ZiggyB

I don't know, I've been single for 6 months now and I've had a few dates that didn't seem to go anywhere. One guy that really liked me drank a lot of beer and seemed really needy with lots of problems, I was able to weed him out fairly quickly.

I am definitely not looking for drama, I need a nice stable guy. I hope I find one!