Boyfriend w alcoholic ex
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Jamesville, NY
Posts: 19
Boyfriend w alcoholic ex
I have been dating someone whose ex is an alcoholic. When she drinks she calls him. He has not told her about us, and refuses to be my friend on Facebook because he says she wil harass me and his children who are not hers. He also states that she calls his place of employment. And has threatened to kill herself if he dates anyone, so he is worried that she might hurt herself. Though she does live w a man. We have been seeing each other for four months. I just found this out and was very hurt and mad. She lives out of state. And I feel he is enabling her and letting her still control his life by not telling her. And also choosing her over me.
I wanted to ask if I'm bring selfish, or do I have a legitimate concern, never dealing w this issue before hand
I wanted to ask if I'm bring selfish, or do I have a legitimate concern, never dealing w this issue before hand
Last edited by Werhappy1; 01-12-2013 at 05:21 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I can see on one hand why you'd feel she is being chosen over you. But, and I say this in respect and kindness, that is an immature perspective. Instead, try to view it as his way of protecting you and this still very new relationship from something he knows has the potential to be volatile.
Is he enabling her? Probably not in the common definition of enabling. If he has kids with this woman, I imagine he is trying to proceed with caution, as harassment can only be dealt with effectively by bringing in the law, and that gets messy when kids are involved. Then you get into restraining order territory, etc.
If I were you, I'd let it go for now, acknowledging its something you don't have a clear picture on yet, and that more will be revealed. Again, four months is still pretty new, and this may be his way of keeping this side of his life at a distance while he builds a new relationship with you.
Is he enabling her? Probably not in the common definition of enabling. If he has kids with this woman, I imagine he is trying to proceed with caution, as harassment can only be dealt with effectively by bringing in the law, and that gets messy when kids are involved. Then you get into restraining order territory, etc.
If I were you, I'd let it go for now, acknowledging its something you don't have a clear picture on yet, and that more will be revealed. Again, four months is still pretty new, and this may be his way of keeping this side of his life at a distance while he builds a new relationship with you.
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
I don't feel you are being selfish and I do believe these are legitimate concerns. Only you can really answer how much you are willing to put up with. Not knowing full details about their relationship it is hard to get a clear picture.
What you can do is communicate your concerns with him and then see where it goes from there and what you are willing to accept in your relationship. You have every right to a happy healthy relationship.
Maybe he really is a great guy who is stuck between a rock and a hard place but is trying to do the best he can. Maybe this is going to be a problem for a long time....maybe not. It is up to him to set boundaries to try and help the situation. It is up to him to "fix" that situation but up to you to set boundaries and expectations on want you want and need in your relationships together.
I could see the frustration though and it would make me have my doubts as well. It doesn't have to be a rash decision.....sometimes the past needs to work itself out before people can move forward. Hang in there!
What you can do is communicate your concerns with him and then see where it goes from there and what you are willing to accept in your relationship. You have every right to a happy healthy relationship.
Maybe he really is a great guy who is stuck between a rock and a hard place but is trying to do the best he can. Maybe this is going to be a problem for a long time....maybe not. It is up to him to set boundaries to try and help the situation. It is up to him to "fix" that situation but up to you to set boundaries and expectations on want you want and need in your relationships together.
I could see the frustration though and it would make me have my doubts as well. It doesn't have to be a rash decision.....sometimes the past needs to work itself out before people can move forward. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Just for me personally, I would not put up with that garbage. She is the puppetmaster! That's not ok. Dating for 4 months & can't be friends on FB? Is he friends with her on it? I have no use for FB but that does not sound kosher to me. I would lay out precisely how I feel, be a straight shooter, if there is no change immediately I can't see how this relationship could be healthy for you.
Best wishes werhappy. I went through something similar. Not ok.
Best wishes werhappy. I went through something similar. Not ok.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
That's a big red flag....waving at you......
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
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Why would you choose to even be involved in that mess??
Might help to sit and look at your motives and expectations. Are you going to "fix" them ??
I wish you the best.
Bob R
Might help to sit and look at your motives and expectations. Are you going to "fix" them ??
I wish you the best.
Bob R
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Jamesville, NY
Posts: 19
Sugarbear, dave42001, 2granddsughters thank you for your advice, much appreciated...
Ms jax- he is not friends with her on Facebook, and thank you for your insight
Drunkyjules-I have shared thus w him, and he has then offered to tell her because I was upset but gave me his reasons why he didn't and when he mentioned that she will harass his daughters to get info, I couldn't ask him to do it. They are not her children but was part of their life or 5 years.
Tuffgirl- in kids together, though she was part of his children's life for 5 years, though they never want to talk to her now cause she is always calling when she has had too many drinks.
Ms jax- he is not friends with her on Facebook, and thank you for your insight
Drunkyjules-I have shared thus w him, and he has then offered to tell her because I was upset but gave me his reasons why he didn't and when he mentioned that she will harass his daughters to get info, I couldn't ask him to do it. They are not her children but was part of their life or 5 years.
Tuffgirl- in kids together, though she was part of his children's life for 5 years, though they never want to talk to her now cause she is always calling when she has had too many drinks.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Definately lots of red flags here. I would be mad if someone I went out with used suicide to manipulate me. I would also be getting a restraining order so that they wouldn't be contacting me at work. I personally would not be letting this person talk to my children, no matter how long they were involved in their lives, but that is just me.
I have to agree with Ms. Jax that I wouldn't get myself involved in this. Do you really want the excess baggage this is going to bring you? I can't see it getting any better in fact, I can just see it getting worse.
Of course you have to do what is best for you. But I think you should give this some very serious thought.
I have to agree with Ms. Jax that I wouldn't get myself involved in this. Do you really want the excess baggage this is going to bring you? I can't see it getting any better in fact, I can just see it getting worse.
Of course you have to do what is best for you. But I think you should give this some very serious thought.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 346
I second the statement about checking your motives.
I know you can't be the one to actually take direct steps for the following:
A. Him blocking her on facebook
B. Him blocking her phone number
C. Him taking out a restraining order on her
But all you can do is ask......
The last relationship I was in, my ex's ex before me had to block her number, her e-mail and her facebook. She had a go at me once or twice about "being a so-called friend and blocking her now that i'm dating her ex", blah blah blah. Emotionally so, so manipulative-threatened to commit suicide on several occasions. Also an addict, but still (I believe) very active in her addiction. He was at the point where he was seriously considering getting legal advice as to how to take a restraining order out against her. She *eventually* gave up and left him alone. As an alcoholic who had to hit rock bottom while still in the relationship and also started my journey in recovery, this was one of the last things I needed. BUT I only see that now.
Everyone has baggage, I understand that. My ex was emotionally smooshed into the ground and we both had cringe-worthy and very unhealthy unrecognised (again, at the time) codependency issues. Try to take a step back and assess what you're getting from the relationship, giving to the relationship and what boundaries you need to set if you decide to keep seeing this person.
My 0.02 anyway
Xx
I know you can't be the one to actually take direct steps for the following:
A. Him blocking her on facebook
B. Him blocking her phone number
C. Him taking out a restraining order on her
But all you can do is ask......
The last relationship I was in, my ex's ex before me had to block her number, her e-mail and her facebook. She had a go at me once or twice about "being a so-called friend and blocking her now that i'm dating her ex", blah blah blah. Emotionally so, so manipulative-threatened to commit suicide on several occasions. Also an addict, but still (I believe) very active in her addiction. He was at the point where he was seriously considering getting legal advice as to how to take a restraining order out against her. She *eventually* gave up and left him alone. As an alcoholic who had to hit rock bottom while still in the relationship and also started my journey in recovery, this was one of the last things I needed. BUT I only see that now.
Everyone has baggage, I understand that. My ex was emotionally smooshed into the ground and we both had cringe-worthy and very unhealthy unrecognised (again, at the time) codependency issues. Try to take a step back and assess what you're getting from the relationship, giving to the relationship and what boundaries you need to set if you decide to keep seeing this person.
My 0.02 anyway
Xx
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
My ex used to phone me drunk all the time. I tolerated it for a while because I thought he needed help and had no one else to talk to. Turns out he was just phoning me up drunk. I told him not to contact me again (I had tolerated this for 5 years so it did take me a while to make this leap) and deleted him on facebook. Best decision I ever made.
I know people think people make too much of a deal out of facebook, but to me it is very symbolic of who I want in my life. If he has her on there and not you I'd be p;ssed too. You have choices here. If he refuses to deal with the situation then maybe leave him to it til he does. That might make him realise that it's not really acceptable.
I know people think people make too much of a deal out of facebook, but to me it is very symbolic of who I want in my life. If he has her on there and not you I'd be p;ssed too. You have choices here. If he refuses to deal with the situation then maybe leave him to it til he does. That might make him realise that it's not really acceptable.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 10
The most disheartening aspect of your description of the situation is his willingness to accommodate her. The drunk is not *your* problem. It's his. And he deals with it by going along with her. Doesn't look good for you. It's hard to hear -- much less, say -- but cut the cord with this guy. You'll never be with him completely.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I agree with the majority of posters. It does raise red flags. After 4 months, still in contact with ex who he has no children with and no reason to still be in contact with and doesn't tell her he's in a new relationship. maybe their relationship isn't over at all, maybe he likes to be 'needed',maybe he likes the problems/drama. think you deserve a lot better and a lot more than this.you can't stop what he does but you don't have to put up with it at all. You are worth so much more than this
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Jamesville, NY
Posts: 19
Quinne thank you, I realize I need to step back and take a look. I know I really like him, but I have shared w him how I feel and have given all those ideas out and have walked away from him so he knows how upset I am , but I need to make sure I do what is best for me and my family. I guess I just feel hurt, I have been in and off w my ex who is an alcoholic but won't admit it for 22 yrs, and I finally broke free, and took years to open up o someone and feel there's something special here, but not sure if it is worth the trouble that will prob always be there while she is in his life. And if he feels like he needs to be there for her maybe that is of much for me.
Hypo, I did that as well w my ex except for when it has to do with our two daughters, but life has been calm, also took me years. That's why sometimes I think I'm being selfish cause its only been a yr in feb for him.
John thank you, I tell myself this a lot, but then I think maybe. It's tough. I'm all for straight forward advice, thank you
Readyatlast, those are all things that popped into my head except the drama part, and I never considered that...thank you for your help
Hypo, I did that as well w my ex except for when it has to do with our two daughters, but life has been calm, also took me years. That's why sometimes I think I'm being selfish cause its only been a yr in feb for him.
John thank you, I tell myself this a lot, but then I think maybe. It's tough. I'm all for straight forward advice, thank you
Readyatlast, those are all things that popped into my head except the drama part, and I never considered that...thank you for your help
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Sounds like you can understand it from his perspective too. It's hard to see other people go through what we went through ourselves and not try to make them see it from our vantage point in hindsight. Have you told him about your experience? x
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Jamesville, NY
Posts: 19
I have shared with him about my experience and have used it in comparison, because they are so much alike. Both exes call over and over when drunk and say rude things so I was hoping he would understand from that point but he's just not ready to yet. It took me a while , so I guess it will take him a while
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Wer,
I think you're right to look at this from the perspective of someone who's been in the same place he is. You've only been seeing him for four months. Over the next few months you will get a better sense of whether he is setting appropriate boundaries, or whether he will continue to be at her mercy.
It doesn't sound as if your relationship is terribly "serious" at this point, so there is no reason for him to have made some big announcement guaranteed to set her off. Looks like he is treading carefully, but nothing you have said so far gives me the sense that he is putting her welfare ahead of yours.
If you like this guy and have a good feeling about him, give him a chance to deal with this problem--which isn't one that he asked for. Anyone can wind up with someone who turns out to be alcoholic, unstable, or both. Don't put yourself at risk, obviously, but seeing how he deals with it can give you a lot of insight into his character.
I think you're right to look at this from the perspective of someone who's been in the same place he is. You've only been seeing him for four months. Over the next few months you will get a better sense of whether he is setting appropriate boundaries, or whether he will continue to be at her mercy.
It doesn't sound as if your relationship is terribly "serious" at this point, so there is no reason for him to have made some big announcement guaranteed to set her off. Looks like he is treading carefully, but nothing you have said so far gives me the sense that he is putting her welfare ahead of yours.
If you like this guy and have a good feeling about him, give him a chance to deal with this problem--which isn't one that he asked for. Anyone can wind up with someone who turns out to be alcoholic, unstable, or both. Don't put yourself at risk, obviously, but seeing how he deals with it can give you a lot of insight into his character.
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