Brother In-Law Relapsed..Again
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Stroudsburg, PA
Posts: 8
Brother In-Law Relapsed..Again
Hello,
I am new here and I want to thank everyone in advanced for your caring advice. I have been in brother in law's life for nearly 20 years, and I love him dearly. But now there is something in the way...addiction. He has had trouble since he was a teen, in and out of jail, had 2 children before the age of 21. Numerous rehabs, and probation officers. He had finally made to to being clean for five years, and released from probation and for what we thought (me and his family) the he was on the road to great recovery. He had found a woman who he adored but, unfortunatually it ended about 4 months ago. Since then he has lied to us, lost his job and about to lose his home. My husband found his meth paraphernalia on Sunday, and he has told him he need to tell the rest of the family by Friday. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother in law, and don't want to be attending his funeral. So, I am at a loss!! I don't know what to do? When do you, or do you ever, say I am done? I don't want him in my home when he using, or near his niece (my daughter) while he is sitting there droopy eyed and confused. To make matter worse, he has been driving with his own children in the car with him while he is high. He kids are 11 and 10, and they live with their Mom, but they do go with him every other weekend. As far as she knows he is still sober. I told my husband today that she needs to know, and he said to let him tell her. I am afraid he will not tell her, and continue to put the children in danger. I want to say to my husband, that if he does not tell their Mom by Friday, I am! Is that wrong? I am I putting my nose into something that is not my business? Will I make matters worse? Will I cause my brother in law to overdose because she will deny him the right to see him kids. PLEASE help me!! I am at a loss! There is a al-anon meeting here in my area this Friday night and I think that would be a good step for my husband and I to help us deal with this?
I am new here and I want to thank everyone in advanced for your caring advice. I have been in brother in law's life for nearly 20 years, and I love him dearly. But now there is something in the way...addiction. He has had trouble since he was a teen, in and out of jail, had 2 children before the age of 21. Numerous rehabs, and probation officers. He had finally made to to being clean for five years, and released from probation and for what we thought (me and his family) the he was on the road to great recovery. He had found a woman who he adored but, unfortunatually it ended about 4 months ago. Since then he has lied to us, lost his job and about to lose his home. My husband found his meth paraphernalia on Sunday, and he has told him he need to tell the rest of the family by Friday. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother in law, and don't want to be attending his funeral. So, I am at a loss!! I don't know what to do? When do you, or do you ever, say I am done? I don't want him in my home when he using, or near his niece (my daughter) while he is sitting there droopy eyed and confused. To make matter worse, he has been driving with his own children in the car with him while he is high. He kids are 11 and 10, and they live with their Mom, but they do go with him every other weekend. As far as she knows he is still sober. I told my husband today that she needs to know, and he said to let him tell her. I am afraid he will not tell her, and continue to put the children in danger. I want to say to my husband, that if he does not tell their Mom by Friday, I am! Is that wrong? I am I putting my nose into something that is not my business? Will I make matters worse? Will I cause my brother in law to overdose because she will deny him the right to see him kids. PLEASE help me!! I am at a loss! There is a al-anon meeting here in my area this Friday night and I think that would be a good step for my husband and I to help us deal with this?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello ,welcome to SR, I am sorry for the reason your here but glad you found us.
I am going to touch on part of this and leave one part to the members who have experience in that area.
and he has told him he need to tell the rest of the family by Friday. May I ask who told him this?
You can set boundaries and hopefully your husband will be on the same page as you with them
I will not allow anyone high around my children
I will not allow anyone is active use around my children
I will not allow anyone in active use in my house.
Just examples: boundaries are to protect us and our children.
When do you, or do you ever, say I am done?
This, is different for everyone some of us have to go no contact but usually it boils down to we are done when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and/or the pain of having any relationship with the addict out weighs the pain of not having a relationship.
I think Al-anon or Nar-anon would be extremely helpful and if your husband won't go go for yourself. Keep in mind they ask you too try 6 meetings before you decide if the program is for you.
I am going to touch on part of this and leave one part to the members who have experience in that area.
and he has told him he need to tell the rest of the family by Friday. May I ask who told him this?
You can set boundaries and hopefully your husband will be on the same page as you with them
I will not allow anyone high around my children
I will not allow anyone is active use around my children
I will not allow anyone in active use in my house.
Just examples: boundaries are to protect us and our children.
When do you, or do you ever, say I am done?
This, is different for everyone some of us have to go no contact but usually it boils down to we are done when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and/or the pain of having any relationship with the addict out weighs the pain of not having a relationship.
I think Al-anon or Nar-anon would be extremely helpful and if your husband won't go go for yourself. Keep in mind they ask you too try 6 meetings before you decide if the program is for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Stroudsburg, PA
Posts: 8
My husband told him to tell the family or he will...I was just at a lose that day. My husband was the one who found the drugs in his brother's car. I feel horrible about the way I am feeling over this. Honestly my feelings are....
I am done! I cannot take anymore heartache from him, this time it has ruined the relationship between my husband and his other brother. I cannot take the emotions it causes anymore, but I don't want him to die either (i do love him, like he is my own brother)
I just want to push him away, and tell him to stop asking for money, asking for rides, etc... This has been years of this going on, he gets better and breaks up with a girl and throws the pitty party (not sure if that is proper to say?)
He lies, and manipulates the family, and he has two children he should love!! I am not completely unaware of his emotions. I myself have deal with the addiction of an eating disorder, but fortunately I was strong enough to overcome it and stay strong for my daughter. But don't get me wrong everyday it is a battle of worry about how my clothes are going to fit that day because maybe I ate more then I should of the day before. I struggle but, I make it!! I know addiction is a horrible disease, my own father is an alcoholic and I am being to think own brother is too.
Ok, now i am rambling, I apologize. I am just frustrated!!!
Thanks Angie for your input, and I believe boundaries do need to be set, lets just hope my husband can agree. I am also just so worried his children!! They are angels, and I love them so much, I don't want to see them get caught up in his world right now.
I am done! I cannot take anymore heartache from him, this time it has ruined the relationship between my husband and his other brother. I cannot take the emotions it causes anymore, but I don't want him to die either (i do love him, like he is my own brother)
I just want to push him away, and tell him to stop asking for money, asking for rides, etc... This has been years of this going on, he gets better and breaks up with a girl and throws the pitty party (not sure if that is proper to say?)
He lies, and manipulates the family, and he has two children he should love!! I am not completely unaware of his emotions. I myself have deal with the addiction of an eating disorder, but fortunately I was strong enough to overcome it and stay strong for my daughter. But don't get me wrong everyday it is a battle of worry about how my clothes are going to fit that day because maybe I ate more then I should of the day before. I struggle but, I make it!! I know addiction is a horrible disease, my own father is an alcoholic and I am being to think own brother is too.
Ok, now i am rambling, I apologize. I am just frustrated!!!
Thanks Angie for your input, and I believe boundaries do need to be set, lets just hope my husband can agree. I am also just so worried his children!! They are angels, and I love them so much, I don't want to see them get caught up in his world right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
His children are helpless victims in this usually we try and stay on our own side of the street but when there are children involved that changes things I agree he needs to tell his EX Wife but I doubt he will I can't understand why your husband (this, is not an attack on him) wants the rest of the family to be told or he will but not the ex.
Your BIL is driving with the kids in the car and he is using meth, even the police use a different protocol when dealing with people on meth because they can become dangerous quickly as an outsider looking in it seems your husband is still trying to protect him in the area of the kids (make sure he can still see them etc...)
But... who is gonna protect the kids?
Your BIL is driving with the kids in the car and he is using meth, even the police use a different protocol when dealing with people on meth because they can become dangerous quickly as an outsider looking in it seems your husband is still trying to protect him in the area of the kids (make sure he can still see them etc...)
But... who is gonna protect the kids?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Stroudsburg, PA
Posts: 8
I am going to have a huge talk with him tonight about this situation! I couldn't agree with you more that the children are a number one priority right now. They have a great mother and we love them very much, they will always have people to come to and talk and protect them.
Do you tell a almost 12 and 11 year old the truth?
Do you tell a almost 12 and 11 year old the truth?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
There is a sticky on here I will try and find it and post here for you about what to tell kids the stickies would be a great place you you to read as well.
I retract my reply about not understanding your husband I was typing/thinking as someone who has been to many meetings and your husband hasn't.
I retract my reply about not understanding your husband I was typing/thinking as someone who has been to many meetings and your husband hasn't.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html
I think his wife would be the one who needs to have that talk with the kids if she so chooses.
I think his wife would be the one who needs to have that talk with the kids if she so chooses.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Careful getting too involved, things get very messy very fast when dealing with an addict.
Your BIL is a grown man, and he has the right to live his life the way he feels fit. I would not force him to tell the whole family, because well, that is his choice. He can choose to reach out, or he can choose to lie and manipulate people. When we start giving addicts time lines to do things and start trying to control their behaviours we are only going to make ourselves emotionally and physically sick. You can control an addict as much as you can control whether it rains or not.
As for him driving with the children, that is a whole different matter. Children need to be protected at all costs, and I would not trust him to be responsible and tell the children's mother the truth about his using. I try not to get involved in an addict's life, since it is none of my business what he or she does, but when children are involved I do whatever is needed to make sure the children are safe. I personally would call the mother and tell her what I know and that you are only telling her because you fear the safety of the children, expecially since he drives them around. He will most likely be furious with you for "ratting" him out, but when children are involved, things are different to me.
As for being done with someone, that is a personal choice. We can walk away whenever we decide we do not want an active addict in our lives (circumstances permitting). You don't need a reason to cut contact and you don't need to wait for a huge event to happen. In theory, it can be as simple as setting a boundary of "I will not associate with an active addict", and since he is using, he is an active addict, and then you cut off communication (I know it is not that easy in real life, I am just saying if you wanted to, it is that simple).
Keep reading and posting on here, this is a great place to vent and learn from people who have been there.
Your BIL is a grown man, and he has the right to live his life the way he feels fit. I would not force him to tell the whole family, because well, that is his choice. He can choose to reach out, or he can choose to lie and manipulate people. When we start giving addicts time lines to do things and start trying to control their behaviours we are only going to make ourselves emotionally and physically sick. You can control an addict as much as you can control whether it rains or not.
As for him driving with the children, that is a whole different matter. Children need to be protected at all costs, and I would not trust him to be responsible and tell the children's mother the truth about his using. I try not to get involved in an addict's life, since it is none of my business what he or she does, but when children are involved I do whatever is needed to make sure the children are safe. I personally would call the mother and tell her what I know and that you are only telling her because you fear the safety of the children, expecially since he drives them around. He will most likely be furious with you for "ratting" him out, but when children are involved, things are different to me.
As for being done with someone, that is a personal choice. We can walk away whenever we decide we do not want an active addict in our lives (circumstances permitting). You don't need a reason to cut contact and you don't need to wait for a huge event to happen. In theory, it can be as simple as setting a boundary of "I will not associate with an active addict", and since he is using, he is an active addict, and then you cut off communication (I know it is not that easy in real life, I am just saying if you wanted to, it is that simple).
Keep reading and posting on here, this is a great place to vent and learn from people who have been there.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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The mother of those children may already know on some level. Nonetheless, I would cross the line and make sure she knows.
There's nothing you can say or do that will get him clean, cause him to relapse or overdose. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Your boundaries are your way of protecting yourself and children from the chaos of addiction and demonstrate that you value yourself and family more than your BIL's addiction.
There's nothing you can say or do that will get him clean, cause him to relapse or overdose. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Your boundaries are your way of protecting yourself and children from the chaos of addiction and demonstrate that you value yourself and family more than your BIL's addiction.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I am the ex wife of an addict and I would want to know. You should tell the ex wife. Hopefully she will take the appropriate action to protect her children. My exAH crashed earlier this year on a day that he was supposed to have our kids while I went to a family party. I thank God every day that I went with my gut and did not go so our kids were not with him when he totaled his car. Fortunately, he did not kill himself or anyone else that day.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Stroudsburg, PA
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Thank you everyone...I absolutely agree with all of you!! So, my husband and I got into a argument yesterday over the situation, and made at me for "accusing" him of supporting his brother's addiction. UUGGHH!! He still wants to give his brother a chance to tell his ex, just so frustrating!! Thank goodness, he is not scheduled to get his kids until next weekend. If the mom does not know by then, I am going to tell her!! I explained to my husband to put yourself in her shoes, and how he would want to know. He is so worried about his brother killing himself, I don't know what to say about that? What if he does? He has tried before in the past.....
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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K9indy, Have you considered going to the meetings even if your husband doesn't?
He is so worried about his brother killing himself, I don't know what to say about that? What if he does? He has tried before in the past.....
Sadly, you and your husband have as much control over this as you do your BIL. using drugs NONE.
If he threatens to harm his self call 911 and send them where he is, some addicts do this as manipulation others may actually try or succeed.
He is so worried about his brother killing himself, I don't know what to say about that? What if he does? He has tried before in the past.....
Sadly, you and your husband have as much control over this as you do your BIL. using drugs NONE.
If he threatens to harm his self call 911 and send them where he is, some addicts do this as manipulation others may actually try or succeed.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Stroudsburg, PA
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Yes, I definitely have considered going to the meetings even he does not...for me to at peace in my mind. I think my husband thinks he can control his brother. I know my BIL very well, and I know how manipulative he can be, and boy is he good at it!!! He had even had therapist believe in what he was saying years ago when he was a teenager. He is not a bad person, and yes there has been some pretty crappy cards dealt to him in life. Some his own fault and some not.
He told my husband yesterday he was go omit himself into rehab again or a half way house. How can he do that without any money or health insurance? He was in them in the past because he had no choice it was either rehab or jail, and then they graduated him to the halfway house. Does anyone know how that works? I think he is telling my husband that just to get him off his back...
BTW...thank you everyone for all your comments!! I take them to heart and love to hear them.
He told my husband yesterday he was go omit himself into rehab again or a half way house. How can he do that without any money or health insurance? He was in them in the past because he had no choice it was either rehab or jail, and then they graduated him to the halfway house. Does anyone know how that works? I think he is telling my husband that just to get him off his back...
BTW...thank you everyone for all your comments!! I take them to heart and love to hear them.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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I do know that the Salvation Army has a program and from what some other members who have spent thousands on their loved ones have said it is as good as any rehab, it boils down to he has to really wanna stop and be willing to do whatever it takes.
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