Revelations to me about betrayal
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Revelations to me about betrayal
There has been a lot of discussion on SR recently about As who have devastated us by their betrayal. I've found a book that has such insights into why, despite the pain and destruction they've caused, we can't let them go.
I am in a tangle of relationships where people, like my AH, who should be the closest and most supportive, have profoundly betrayed me. Beyond my AH's significant financial manipulation and betrayal, I now need to visit my estranged mother who is dying, and my estranged alcoholic brother, under whose supervision a lot of money may have disappeared. It's the same story as my AH's betrayal, just a few decades earlier.
There is a book I’ve just started reading called Betrayal Bonding: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships that has some stunning insights for me. It talks about betrayal, abandonment, and addiction, and the trauma that results, including how the body reveals the trauma that isn’t acknowledged openly.
I've only read a little of the book so far, but here are some of the passages that have caught my attention. I've written my understanding of what these insights mean to me below the quotes, and if you want, I'd really love your input on how I'm understanding this. I also write below about how Alanon functions as a repair mechanism for this damage to us.
I am trying to unravel what this book means. I think what it is pointing out is, because we have been abandoned when we most needed someone, we feel unworthy of having the support and cherishing that should come in normal relationships.
Because of that, we unconsciously believe that other people are not and can not do wrong to us; we are at fault, because, if only we had been worthy of love, we would have had it. That we don't have real love is just more evidence that we don't deserve it.
So that means, if you follow the logic out, that what other people do to us cannot be bad. WE, in our emotional reasoning, have the lock on ALL of the accountability for anything bad that happens to us. We deserve it because we are unworthy, and when it comes, it is our fault, and we own it. The other guy is just the means for us getting what we think is our own due. So, therefore, the other guy is NOT responsible or accountable for their actions against us.
Having disavowed the other guy's accountability for their own actions and destructiveness toward us, somebody has to own it, and that is us.
Therefore, because we have been so hurt and damaged, we need comfort and support. And the closest people at hand are usually the people who just hurt us so much. But we can't see that us, because we are blinded by our own reaction to having been abandoned and maltreated. Our world of accountability revolves, in our own minds, around our own culpability. Which is huge, because we are not worthy.
Then, when, as the book says, the other guy's destruction becomes absolutely visible, we still want to deny it because we don't know how to let someone else be accountable for their actions. We feel accountable for all our own pain, and we can't see that we have boundaries, and that much of this pain was actually inflicted by others ON US. We let them reach inside what should have been our self-preserving boundaries and hurt us and get away scot-free.
Because we can't see any of this emotionally, we rebound back toward them because they still seem to be the people we are closest to. Even if they are h%llbent on our destruction as a means to save themselves.
I'm interested in other people's thoughts about this.
I am thinking that this begins to explain the emotional mechanics of why Alanon helps us.
We are addicts as much as alcoholics because most of us were abandoned somewhere in our lives, if only by our alcoholic. The emotional void in us is the ability to see in a relationship, in an emotional exchange, "What is me" versus "What is them". We cannot make those distinctions properly, and as a result, "their" bad behavior far too easily morphs for us into "our own" bad behavior. The belief that we at some deep level deserve to be badly treated, segues into our all too ready ownership of any and all bad behavior against us.
Alanon requires us to stop owning other peoples' behavior. It makes us sort out where we begin and where we stop. It tells us quite firmly that we can't live the other guy's life; we can only walk our own side of the street. And to do that, you have figure out what is your street and what is not.
And this is the beginning of being able to allow and eventually require other people to be accountable for what they do. And that eventually lets us attribute the consequences of another person's bad behavior to THEM. And that lets us be free of the other person because we no longer have to absorb their bad behavior as our own, and we can see it for what it is, and say no more to the bad behavior. And gradually, that grows into our own self-awareness, our own ownership of our true feelings. And eventually, that lets us release these destructive people we have absorbed into our souls as alter-egos. And then, I think, we will be able to eject them from our lives and never choose their surrogates again.
Is this making sense to anybody?
ShootingStar1
I am in a tangle of relationships where people, like my AH, who should be the closest and most supportive, have profoundly betrayed me. Beyond my AH's significant financial manipulation and betrayal, I now need to visit my estranged mother who is dying, and my estranged alcoholic brother, under whose supervision a lot of money may have disappeared. It's the same story as my AH's betrayal, just a few decades earlier.
There is a book I’ve just started reading called Betrayal Bonding: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships that has some stunning insights for me. It talks about betrayal, abandonment, and addiction, and the trauma that results, including how the body reveals the trauma that isn’t acknowledged openly.
I've only read a little of the book so far, but here are some of the passages that have caught my attention. I've written my understanding of what these insights mean to me below the quotes, and if you want, I'd really love your input on how I'm understanding this. I also write below about how Alanon functions as a repair mechanism for this damage to us.
“Betrayal intensifies pathologically the human trait of bonding deeply in the presence of danger or fear.
Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true – counted on to be true – was not. Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous. It was exploitation. You were used. A pattern exists. You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never the way it seemed.).
Worse, there are the sincerity and care that obscure what you have lost. You can see the outlines of it now. It was exploitation. You were used. Everything in you wants to believe you weren’t. Yet enough has emerged. Facts. Undeniable. You sizzle with anger.
Betrayal. A form of abandonment. Often the abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can be still close, even intimate, or may be intruding in your life. Yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed.
Abandonment is at the core of addictions. It causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state. You never feel safe. You’re always on full-alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In that state of readiness, you’re unaware that part of you has died. You are grieving. Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness. Yet you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. In your readiness, you abandon yourself.
But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing – convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities, and place yourself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yourself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called betrayal bonds.
Exploitive relationships create betrayal bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her. Thus the hostage becomes the champion of the hostage taker, the incest victim covers for the parent…
Stress becomes traumatic when danger, risk, fear or anxiety is present… When in jeopardy, our body mobilizes its defenses. All our physical systems achieve high states of readiness. Adrenaline flows. The electrochemical reactions between synapses in the brain accelerate. It’s just like an automobile driven at the maximum possible speed. The sustained, flat-out performance pushes the car’s mechanical system past its limits. Pretty soon, things start to break down. Our bodies and minds will react the same way. When pushed past their limits, they begin to fall apart. Unlike a car, however, our bodies and minds can regenerate and recover. Some traumas that occur as a result of betrayal create damage that is residual. That is, we do not see it or understand it until later. Some traumas, especially over time, can alter how our systems operate.
Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: how far our systems are stretched and for how long… “
This says so much to me. It starts to explain the mind boggling experience that I keep having of seeing some distressed, unreasonable part of me want to go back to a man who clearly has my self-destruction in mind in order to preserve himself.Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true – counted on to be true – was not. Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous. It was exploitation. You were used. A pattern exists. You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never the way it seemed.).
Worse, there are the sincerity and care that obscure what you have lost. You can see the outlines of it now. It was exploitation. You were used. Everything in you wants to believe you weren’t. Yet enough has emerged. Facts. Undeniable. You sizzle with anger.
Betrayal. A form of abandonment. Often the abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can be still close, even intimate, or may be intruding in your life. Yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed.
Abandonment is at the core of addictions. It causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state. You never feel safe. You’re always on full-alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In that state of readiness, you’re unaware that part of you has died. You are grieving. Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness. Yet you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. In your readiness, you abandon yourself.
But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing – convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities, and place yourself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yourself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called betrayal bonds.
Exploitive relationships create betrayal bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her. Thus the hostage becomes the champion of the hostage taker, the incest victim covers for the parent…
Stress becomes traumatic when danger, risk, fear or anxiety is present… When in jeopardy, our body mobilizes its defenses. All our physical systems achieve high states of readiness. Adrenaline flows. The electrochemical reactions between synapses in the brain accelerate. It’s just like an automobile driven at the maximum possible speed. The sustained, flat-out performance pushes the car’s mechanical system past its limits. Pretty soon, things start to break down. Our bodies and minds will react the same way. When pushed past their limits, they begin to fall apart. Unlike a car, however, our bodies and minds can regenerate and recover. Some traumas that occur as a result of betrayal create damage that is residual. That is, we do not see it or understand it until later. Some traumas, especially over time, can alter how our systems operate.
Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: how far our systems are stretched and for how long… “
I am trying to unravel what this book means. I think what it is pointing out is, because we have been abandoned when we most needed someone, we feel unworthy of having the support and cherishing that should come in normal relationships.
Because of that, we unconsciously believe that other people are not and can not do wrong to us; we are at fault, because, if only we had been worthy of love, we would have had it. That we don't have real love is just more evidence that we don't deserve it.
So that means, if you follow the logic out, that what other people do to us cannot be bad. WE, in our emotional reasoning, have the lock on ALL of the accountability for anything bad that happens to us. We deserve it because we are unworthy, and when it comes, it is our fault, and we own it. The other guy is just the means for us getting what we think is our own due. So, therefore, the other guy is NOT responsible or accountable for their actions against us.
Having disavowed the other guy's accountability for their own actions and destructiveness toward us, somebody has to own it, and that is us.
Therefore, because we have been so hurt and damaged, we need comfort and support. And the closest people at hand are usually the people who just hurt us so much. But we can't see that us, because we are blinded by our own reaction to having been abandoned and maltreated. Our world of accountability revolves, in our own minds, around our own culpability. Which is huge, because we are not worthy.
Then, when, as the book says, the other guy's destruction becomes absolutely visible, we still want to deny it because we don't know how to let someone else be accountable for their actions. We feel accountable for all our own pain, and we can't see that we have boundaries, and that much of this pain was actually inflicted by others ON US. We let them reach inside what should have been our self-preserving boundaries and hurt us and get away scot-free.
Because we can't see any of this emotionally, we rebound back toward them because they still seem to be the people we are closest to. Even if they are h%llbent on our destruction as a means to save themselves.
I'm interested in other people's thoughts about this.
I am thinking that this begins to explain the emotional mechanics of why Alanon helps us.
We are addicts as much as alcoholics because most of us were abandoned somewhere in our lives, if only by our alcoholic. The emotional void in us is the ability to see in a relationship, in an emotional exchange, "What is me" versus "What is them". We cannot make those distinctions properly, and as a result, "their" bad behavior far too easily morphs for us into "our own" bad behavior. The belief that we at some deep level deserve to be badly treated, segues into our all too ready ownership of any and all bad behavior against us.
Alanon requires us to stop owning other peoples' behavior. It makes us sort out where we begin and where we stop. It tells us quite firmly that we can't live the other guy's life; we can only walk our own side of the street. And to do that, you have figure out what is your street and what is not.
And this is the beginning of being able to allow and eventually require other people to be accountable for what they do. And that eventually lets us attribute the consequences of another person's bad behavior to THEM. And that lets us be free of the other person because we no longer have to absorb their bad behavior as our own, and we can see it for what it is, and say no more to the bad behavior. And gradually, that grows into our own self-awareness, our own ownership of our true feelings. And eventually, that lets us release these destructive people we have absorbed into our souls as alter-egos. And then, I think, we will be able to eject them from our lives and never choose their surrogates again.
Is this making sense to anybody?
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes, sadly it makes a lot of sense.
I believe that the abandonment I felt in my relationship with my A mirrored the same feeling I had as a child around abandoment issues that were there in my relationship with my A father and co dependent mother.
When I was good (taking care of everyone) I felt a sense of being needed, loved. It was the way I got approval. If I was disapproved of, I felt abandoned.
I believe that the abandonment I felt in my relationship with my A mirrored the same feeling I had as a child around abandoment issues that were there in my relationship with my A father and co dependent mother.
When I was good (taking care of everyone) I felt a sense of being needed, loved. It was the way I got approval. If I was disapproved of, I felt abandoned.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Earth... mostly
Posts: 43
That book is now on my "Get it" list. Thank you. Yes, what you wrote makes sense and it is very identifiable for me.
The most difficult part of what you wrote is your last comment. "And then, I think, we will be able to eject them from our lives and never choose their surrogates again."
There must be some method for us to be able to act on the logic of truth and not be restrained by the illusion of emotion. For me, I still try to balance the scales. Is there more good than bad in the relationship? Even now, when I realize that I do not fully comprehend how insidious the bad can be and how some devastating effects show up only after time, I try to tip the scales with any and all fleeting moments of good. I suppose that I am still at a point where I want things to work out even if just for a while.
Having "failed" at a previous alcoholic relationship, and being the ACOA, my attempts at self-help seem to keep me here. I get so tired of trying to understand this alcoholic relationship. But, I do love it when I see a couple walking hand-in-hand. That always makes me smile... then I feel deflated.
The most difficult part of what you wrote is your last comment. "And then, I think, we will be able to eject them from our lives and never choose their surrogates again."
There must be some method for us to be able to act on the logic of truth and not be restrained by the illusion of emotion. For me, I still try to balance the scales. Is there more good than bad in the relationship? Even now, when I realize that I do not fully comprehend how insidious the bad can be and how some devastating effects show up only after time, I try to tip the scales with any and all fleeting moments of good. I suppose that I am still at a point where I want things to work out even if just for a while.
Having "failed" at a previous alcoholic relationship, and being the ACOA, my attempts at self-help seem to keep me here. I get so tired of trying to understand this alcoholic relationship. But, I do love it when I see a couple walking hand-in-hand. That always makes me smile... then I feel deflated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Some of this hits so close to home I can hardly let it sink in. Too painful right now. I can't handle the betrayal. And I can't believe what I know.
But I will come back to this and find the book. Thanks for posting this!!!
But I will come back to this and find the book. Thanks for posting this!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Thanks... it sounds like a great book. I've read so many self-help books over the last few months trying to get some clarity but for a while I've moved onto other stuff... so sick of thinking about "him" why"... etc. Now that it's the New Year I've been trying to focus on other things. My therapist seems to think it's better for me to focus on my other hobbies and interests for a while. When I think of axbf all I get is depressed.
This one phrase could be me in a nutshell:
"The worst is a mind-numbing highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you."
Right now I'm afraid of getting into any more relationships but having fun on my own a bit, at last.
This one phrase could be me in a nutshell:
"The worst is a mind-numbing highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you."
Right now I'm afraid of getting into any more relationships but having fun on my own a bit, at last.
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