He wants to be "friends"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 5
He wants to be "friends"
So my XRABF has been telling me he wants to stay friends since we broke things off when he got out of rehab. For me, this is torture. I still love him so much and I feel like him wanting to only be friends completely disregards the 18 months we were in a relationship. I know AA recommends someone in recovery to not be in a relationship for the 1st year at least, but I can't wait around for a year and hope he decides he can be with me again. As much as I care for him, I can't be his friend right now.
So here's my dilemma - I feel guilty. Is it horrible to turn your back on someone in recovery? Is this just codependency talking? I feel like it's selfish of him to ask me to be his friend after everything, but if I tell him that he won't understand. I feel like being his friend is killing me, but at the same time doesn't he need support of friends and family right now (he's 32 days sober)?
If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any support or advice. This is completely new territory for me.
So here's my dilemma - I feel guilty. Is it horrible to turn your back on someone in recovery? Is this just codependency talking? I feel like it's selfish of him to ask me to be his friend after everything, but if I tell him that he won't understand. I feel like being his friend is killing me, but at the same time doesn't he need support of friends and family right now (he's 32 days sober)?
If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any support or advice. This is completely new territory for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
How supportive do you think you can really be if you are in this painful position? Surely you are not the only person he can turn to for support right now.
I don't think you have to tell him he is being selfish by asking. I think you can say you are not ready to be friends with him right now, despite how much you care for him and want him to be well. Or you can just decline. "No" is a complete sentence after all.
If he really does care for your well being he will understand.
I don't think you have to tell him he is being selfish by asking. I think you can say you are not ready to be friends with him right now, despite how much you care for him and want him to be well. Or you can just decline. "No" is a complete sentence after all.
If he really does care for your well being he will understand.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Mayo, Ireland
Posts: 30
better off to leave him alone for the first year, i met my girlfriend 7 months ago, we were both newly sober, we are both back drinking now and just broke up, we knew not to get involved for the first year but love got in the way
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I agree. No need to make him "wrong" for asking - make this about what you need.
When my DD was 12 and didn't know how to tell her mom that she did not want to stay overnight with her or alone with her she was so tortured - her mom was fresh from a mental hospital and reallllllly not well. She'd secretly been taking care of her mom for some time when she visited.
My best friend told her:
Honey, if you have to tell someone something they won't like:
Be kind
Tell them te truth
Speak from the heart
If they are upset then it is their job to work through their feelings - you've done your part.
Always thought that was great advice.
If you wish him well, pray he gets well and care do much that a limited friendship right now would cause you pain then why not say exactly that? No need to blame him or deny your feelings. Let him know you aren't blowing him off but you have your own healing to do.
Sorry - its real easy to advise that and hard as hell to do it. Simple and easy ain't the same are they?
When my DD was 12 and didn't know how to tell her mom that she did not want to stay overnight with her or alone with her she was so tortured - her mom was fresh from a mental hospital and reallllllly not well. She'd secretly been taking care of her mom for some time when she visited.
My best friend told her:
Honey, if you have to tell someone something they won't like:
Be kind
Tell them te truth
Speak from the heart
If they are upset then it is their job to work through their feelings - you've done your part.
Always thought that was great advice.
If you wish him well, pray he gets well and care do much that a limited friendship right now would cause you pain then why not say exactly that? No need to blame him or deny your feelings. Let him know you aren't blowing him off but you have your own healing to do.
Sorry - its real easy to advise that and hard as hell to do it. Simple and easy ain't the same are they?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 5
Thanks so much everyone. What great words of encouragement. I miswrote one thing...i didn't mean i would tell him he's selfish (even when its what i think), i just meant he wouldn't understand why i couldn't be friends with him. Well i explained it to him as clearly and kindly as possible and have so far received no response, which says a lot in itself. I got Codependent No More am excited to start eeading it 
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
I don't think it says in the AA book to get out of relationships. From my experience and observation people in or out of AA who want to be with somebody are with that person regardless of what ANYONE tells them.
Your old BF doesn't want to be with you anymore (at least not on the level of commitment that you obviously want). Perhaps he is trying to be nice or perhaps he just wants you somewhat around for convenience, but he doesn't want you the way you want.
I'd wager if you take a real honest evaluation of your relationship past and present he isn't much of a friend either. Most people who want to be "friends" generally are not very good friends when compared to, for example, the guys I grew up with and went to their weddings and such.
Be alone or find someone who wants to be with you on your level.
Your old BF doesn't want to be with you anymore (at least not on the level of commitment that you obviously want). Perhaps he is trying to be nice or perhaps he just wants you somewhat around for convenience, but he doesn't want you the way you want.
I'd wager if you take a real honest evaluation of your relationship past and present he isn't much of a friend either. Most people who want to be "friends" generally are not very good friends when compared to, for example, the guys I grew up with and went to their weddings and such.
Be alone or find someone who wants to be with you on your level.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 5
TSDD-that was hard to hear, but you are so right. He has not been a good friend for a very long time, so why would I hold onto that? And if he doesn't want the kind of relationship i do then i need to find someone who does. Thank you for your honest but kind words.
One of my friends sent me this quote and i think it might hit home with many here (sorry in advance for any typos, I'm writing from my phone!)
"Know that when a person is toxic, it is because of their own issues. Accept that a toxic person's behavior has nothing to do with you. In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Realize this and take back your power."
One of my friends sent me this quote and i think it might hit home with many here (sorry in advance for any typos, I'm writing from my phone!)
"Know that when a person is toxic, it is because of their own issues. Accept that a toxic person's behavior has nothing to do with you. In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Realize this and take back your power."
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I have maintained friendships with ex's still in contact with a few.
Took a long time though - has to be a period of reorganization so to speak of the relationship feeling different, the person no longer being a love interest. Otherwise you're "friends" but not really - you're actually pining away for what once was and what could be and its painful.
IMO you aren't wrong at all - you have to do what's healthy and best for you not sacrifice your own feelings because you feel you need to be supportive of him.
Took a long time though - has to be a period of reorganization so to speak of the relationship feeling different, the person no longer being a love interest. Otherwise you're "friends" but not really - you're actually pining away for what once was and what could be and its painful.
IMO you aren't wrong at all - you have to do what's healthy and best for you not sacrifice your own feelings because you feel you need to be supportive of him.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Stop feeling guilty and no it,s not selfish to take care of you.
Originally Posted by loveinrecovery 
So my XRABF has been telling me he wants to stay friends since we broke things off when he got out of rehab. For me, this is torture. I still love him so much and I feel like him wanting to only be friends completely disregards the 18 months we were in a relationship. I know AA recommends someone in recovery to not be in a relationship for the 1st year at least, but I can't wait around for a year and hope he decides he can be with me again. As much as I care for him, I can't be his friend right now.
So here's my dilemma - I feel guilty. Is it horrible to turn your back on someone in recovery? Is this just codependency talking? I feel like it's selfish of him to ask me to be his friend after everything, but if I tell him that he won't understand. I feel like being his friend is killing me, but at the same time doesn't he need support of friends and family right now (he's 32 days sober)?
If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any support or advice. This is completely new territory for me.
So here's my dilemma - I feel guilty. Is it horrible to turn your back on someone in recovery? Is this just codependency talking? I feel like it's selfish of him to ask me to be his friend after everything, but if I tell him that he won't understand. I feel like being his friend is killing me, but at the same time doesn't he need support of friends and family right now (he's 32 days sober)?
If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any support or advice. This is completely new territory for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I don't think it is selfish of you to avoid a situation that you know will cause you pain. Maybe over time once your feelings fade you could consider it.
I don't think I will ever be friends with my ex. For one thing, the breakup was way too ugly and painful.
I don't think I will ever be friends with my ex. For one thing, the breakup was way too ugly and painful.
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