He pushed me away with another spreadsheet, now he's pulling me back...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
He pushed me away with another spreadsheet, now he's pulling me back...
I got a present for Christmas from my STBXAH: another spreadsheet. Filled with more ideas about how he can have all the assets and I can have all the rest, even worse than the prior spreadsheets. He said he was still the man I married and couldn't I just trust him to take care of me?
I wrote back saying, "no, actually I can't. I can add and subtract, though you may not remember that, and if this is how you will take care of me, I prefer to have the Judge take care of me."
Then I got an even more ridiculous e-mail about how he has lost his sister, he has lost me, and now he is losing his house. (It made me think of that old country music joke "What do your get if you play a country music song backwards?" The singer gets back his horse, his truck, his house and his wife, in that order.) None of it was true. I wrote a blistering response in which I told him I was coming back to the house and wallpapering it all over with his spreadsheets. And then I deleted the response and said nothing. It felt good, though.
As those of you who have been following my story know, I left my AH on July 4th after his alcohol use, verbal and emotional abuse, and porn abuse rose to an intolerable level. I filed for divorce within the week. After almost 20 years, it took a lot of work here on SR and with my psychiatrist to really understand how much of my own identity I had submerged to my AH who is a narcissist. Stockholm syndrome, being isolated on a mountain top surrounded by unfriendly neighbors, taken away from my family, church and friends. He compared me to porn stars, told me to take lessons, and found me worthless, and that is the least of it. I am just realizing the depth of those wounds and how hard it is to heal them. It isn't just that he used porn; it is that he USED porn to attack me and my self esteem and my sense of myself. It was very vicious.
I am getting through it, I am getting healed. I went to a First Night New Year's Eve by myself last night and heard fabulous music and was surrounded by friendly people. I love it here, just me and my little dog, with my grown kids much closer, and a friendly community with so many of the arts I love. I am starting to be able to concentrate again; I am starting to be able to plan what I want to do, see what is important, actually get something done, some of the time, and forgive myself, allow myself just to have a lazy day if that is what I need. I am healing. My mind is starting to mend.
Then tonight I got yet another e-mail: AH sent me his New Year's resolutions which he said are: "1) Don't lose any more wives. 2) Limit alcohol consumption to 3 drinks. (I've been achieving this for months). 3) Forgive people who hurt me. 4) Love is more important than sex."
WHY, WHY, WHY am I feeling a big twinge of missing him, of wondering what it would be like to be back with him? Am I TOTALLY NUTS?
This just must be the narcissist/alcoholic's dance of "hit them till they're down, then sweet-talk them so you can get them close enough to hit them down again"?
Or am I missing something here? I do notice that what is striking in its absence is HIS asking the people he hurt - namely ME- for forgiveness... No comprehension whatsoever of the consequences his behavior had on and for me.
It is so peaceful in my life now; my little dog, in six months, has never criticized me ONCE, never a harsh word from her. She wags her tail at ANYTHING I suggest we do. She does not jump on me for not fast-forwarding the TV controller fast enough. She does not talk over me and contradict me LOUDLY when I venture an opinion. She does not tell me I am worthless and threaten to leave me for other, younger, sexier, better dogs. I think I've forgotten how h*llish it was living there. And it was.
Some crazy reptilian part of my brain would STILL, after all this abuse, all this inconsolable grief, like to see him as recovered, would like to respond.
I'm not all the way to the ledge yet, but could use some help remembering why I left and why I KNOW that this new life is freedom and health and a future.
I think the loneliness that came off and on during the holidays, as well as the financial uncertainty of what the divorce settlement will leave me with, at age 62, when there isn't a lot more time to reverse the losses, I think that makes me more vulnerable. And I wonder whether I will have to live the rest of my life alone. It doesn't scare me, but it sounds lonely.
He does know how to play me like a lyre - or is that liar? - doesn't he?
Need your help. Please. Thanks. Need some support. Why is this so ******* hard?
ShootingStar1
I wrote back saying, "no, actually I can't. I can add and subtract, though you may not remember that, and if this is how you will take care of me, I prefer to have the Judge take care of me."
Then I got an even more ridiculous e-mail about how he has lost his sister, he has lost me, and now he is losing his house. (It made me think of that old country music joke "What do your get if you play a country music song backwards?" The singer gets back his horse, his truck, his house and his wife, in that order.) None of it was true. I wrote a blistering response in which I told him I was coming back to the house and wallpapering it all over with his spreadsheets. And then I deleted the response and said nothing. It felt good, though.
As those of you who have been following my story know, I left my AH on July 4th after his alcohol use, verbal and emotional abuse, and porn abuse rose to an intolerable level. I filed for divorce within the week. After almost 20 years, it took a lot of work here on SR and with my psychiatrist to really understand how much of my own identity I had submerged to my AH who is a narcissist. Stockholm syndrome, being isolated on a mountain top surrounded by unfriendly neighbors, taken away from my family, church and friends. He compared me to porn stars, told me to take lessons, and found me worthless, and that is the least of it. I am just realizing the depth of those wounds and how hard it is to heal them. It isn't just that he used porn; it is that he USED porn to attack me and my self esteem and my sense of myself. It was very vicious.
I am getting through it, I am getting healed. I went to a First Night New Year's Eve by myself last night and heard fabulous music and was surrounded by friendly people. I love it here, just me and my little dog, with my grown kids much closer, and a friendly community with so many of the arts I love. I am starting to be able to concentrate again; I am starting to be able to plan what I want to do, see what is important, actually get something done, some of the time, and forgive myself, allow myself just to have a lazy day if that is what I need. I am healing. My mind is starting to mend.
Then tonight I got yet another e-mail: AH sent me his New Year's resolutions which he said are: "1) Don't lose any more wives. 2) Limit alcohol consumption to 3 drinks. (I've been achieving this for months). 3) Forgive people who hurt me. 4) Love is more important than sex."
WHY, WHY, WHY am I feeling a big twinge of missing him, of wondering what it would be like to be back with him? Am I TOTALLY NUTS?
This just must be the narcissist/alcoholic's dance of "hit them till they're down, then sweet-talk them so you can get them close enough to hit them down again"?
Or am I missing something here? I do notice that what is striking in its absence is HIS asking the people he hurt - namely ME- for forgiveness... No comprehension whatsoever of the consequences his behavior had on and for me.
It is so peaceful in my life now; my little dog, in six months, has never criticized me ONCE, never a harsh word from her. She wags her tail at ANYTHING I suggest we do. She does not jump on me for not fast-forwarding the TV controller fast enough. She does not talk over me and contradict me LOUDLY when I venture an opinion. She does not tell me I am worthless and threaten to leave me for other, younger, sexier, better dogs. I think I've forgotten how h*llish it was living there. And it was.
Some crazy reptilian part of my brain would STILL, after all this abuse, all this inconsolable grief, like to see him as recovered, would like to respond.
I'm not all the way to the ledge yet, but could use some help remembering why I left and why I KNOW that this new life is freedom and health and a future.
I think the loneliness that came off and on during the holidays, as well as the financial uncertainty of what the divorce settlement will leave me with, at age 62, when there isn't a lot more time to reverse the losses, I think that makes me more vulnerable. And I wonder whether I will have to live the rest of my life alone. It doesn't scare me, but it sounds lonely.
He does know how to play me like a lyre - or is that liar? - doesn't he?
Need your help. Please. Thanks. Need some support. Why is this so ******* hard?
ShootingStar1
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I think he is playing on your insecurities. I believe you are aware of an important lack of sincerity in his words. Good on you!
I really am glad you have a loving furr baby whom admires all your positive qualities!
P.s. I would be glad to help with that wallpaper project :-)
I really am glad you have a loving furr baby whom admires all your positive qualities!
P.s. I would be glad to help with that wallpaper project :-)
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Reread his New Year's Resolution. IMO, it all about him. Nothing very endearing about it.
It's only been 6 months and look at how well you are healing. You have accomplished more then some have in years. Just think what a few more months will bring.
You deserve so much better! In this case, four legs are better then two. Kiss your little doggy and kiss off that jackass.
Make 2013 the best year yet!!
It's only been 6 months and look at how well you are healing. You have accomplished more then some have in years. Just think what a few more months will bring.
You deserve so much better! In this case, four legs are better then two. Kiss your little doggy and kiss off that jackass.
Make 2013 the best year yet!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Not another spreadsheet! That was my first thought after reading the title of your thread, ShootingStar. I nearly rolled off the couch at your comment about wallpapering the house with them. I have no doubt you would have significant coverage. LOL. I love your sense of humor.
But, do you really still have to read his emails? When does that get to stop? They are just so full of quacking. He is so far from recognizing that all of the bad things in his life are natural consequences of his own decisions to behave unacceptably. His denial is thick. Also, kudos for not actually sending that second scathing response, but the first was also probably unecessary. I'm learning that a non-response is equivalent to a no. I am uncomfortable with that tactic for dealing with the healthy people in my life, but quackers get a non-response from me every time.
The way I see it, you are very far from the ledge. Your posts are showing so much more independence and confidence now than when you first joined. You should be very pleased with your progress. Go back and read some of them to remind yourself just how discombobulated your XAH made you.
Take good care!
Fathom
But, do you really still have to read his emails? When does that get to stop? They are just so full of quacking. He is so far from recognizing that all of the bad things in his life are natural consequences of his own decisions to behave unacceptably. His denial is thick. Also, kudos for not actually sending that second scathing response, but the first was also probably unecessary. I'm learning that a non-response is equivalent to a no. I am uncomfortable with that tactic for dealing with the healthy people in my life, but quackers get a non-response from me every time.
The way I see it, you are very far from the ledge. Your posts are showing so much more independence and confidence now than when you first joined. You should be very pleased with your progress. Go back and read some of them to remind yourself just how discombobulated your XAH made you.
Take good care!
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Thank goodness for your furry buddy... I really don't know what I would do without my Dog. I love her so much and to come home daily to a wiggly tail, body and a smile of I love you just for coming home always makes my day.
It must be very hard for you after 20 years but now that you see the abuse from a far maybe that will help you continue to move forward no matter what he writes to you in an email. He is just quaking....
The happier you become the more he is going to want you back. My ex-abf wanted my happiness, lust for life when we first were together. After a year in a half of abuse to my self - esteem I inside went away and all I heard was what an angry person I had become. I have to say he was right I was so angry, we have been broken up and NC since last Sept 2012. I am just now starting to see myself come back. Its work but this is our lives, we only get so many minutes, hours and days on this earth.
I hope you continue to seek support and remember you deserve better and your dog is smart enough to know it. Dogs give the best love and soak it up right now.. Cheers.
It must be very hard for you after 20 years but now that you see the abuse from a far maybe that will help you continue to move forward no matter what he writes to you in an email. He is just quaking....
The happier you become the more he is going to want you back. My ex-abf wanted my happiness, lust for life when we first were together. After a year in a half of abuse to my self - esteem I inside went away and all I heard was what an angry person I had become. I have to say he was right I was so angry, we have been broken up and NC since last Sept 2012. I am just now starting to see myself come back. Its work but this is our lives, we only get so many minutes, hours and days on this earth.
I hope you continue to seek support and remember you deserve better and your dog is smart enough to know it. Dogs give the best love and soak it up right now.. Cheers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
If he's a narcissist he's got a pretty good hunch of how you'd react to such a statement. It's just bait to get you feeling exactly like you're tempted to feel because for him, all he wants is CONTROL over you and your emotions again. This will give him a wee bit of "narcissistic supply" that he craves like a drug. And if he can get his foot in the door of your mind again, he could possess it again.
He's also being a huge jerk.
Let's break this down:
1) Don't lose any more wives.
Sarcasm and coldness. Notice the distance language he uses, he didn't say "don't lose you". Like Bill Clinton saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".
2) Limit alcohol consumption to 3 drinks. (I've been achieving this for months).
3 drinks a day, per hour, per half our?
3) Forgive people who hurt me.
Nice spin, but it's an insult. Of course he's not someone who should seek out forgiveness. What a great guy to offer forgiveness to those who have just made his life so intolerable. Big man, big big man.
4) Love is more important than sex
Narcissists know how to love (themselves), they are just pathologically incapable of loving anything or anyone but themselves.
Wouldn't it be fun to send his resolutions back to him in spreadsheet format
((hugs))
He's also being a huge jerk.
Let's break this down:
1) Don't lose any more wives.
Sarcasm and coldness. Notice the distance language he uses, he didn't say "don't lose you". Like Bill Clinton saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".
2) Limit alcohol consumption to 3 drinks. (I've been achieving this for months).
3 drinks a day, per hour, per half our?
3) Forgive people who hurt me.
Nice spin, but it's an insult. Of course he's not someone who should seek out forgiveness. What a great guy to offer forgiveness to those who have just made his life so intolerable. Big man, big big man.
4) Love is more important than sex
Narcissists know how to love (themselves), they are just pathologically incapable of loving anything or anyone but themselves.
Wouldn't it be fun to send his resolutions back to him in spreadsheet format
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
And yet no program for him, no counseling.
Only 3 drinks per day, the first 2 days you come back, then back to the same old bull.
You already gave him a chance to take care of you, he failed.
All I see from him is control, let me control the money, let me control the love, let me control the drinking, let me control something that I lost control of and you paid the price for, give me another chance to devastate you again.
You have come so far, where you are now sounds like a little piece of heaven compared to where you were in July.
You have this sweetie, Happy New Year
Love to you Katie xo
Only 3 drinks per day, the first 2 days you come back, then back to the same old bull.
You already gave him a chance to take care of you, he failed.
All I see from him is control, let me control the money, let me control the love, let me control the drinking, let me control something that I lost control of and you paid the price for, give me another chance to devastate you again.
You have come so far, where you are now sounds like a little piece of heaven compared to where you were in July.
You have this sweetie, Happy New Year
Love to you Katie xo
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Please don't feel bad for thinking about going back. There is nothing wrong with you for having that thought. You spent a significant portion of your life with this man. And you had hopes and dreams for a happy life with him. So I don't find it that far fetched that you would contemplate what would happen if things changed.
I am so glad you chose to stay away and that you didn't get roped back in. You are doing really great.
When it comes to his e-mails, I personally would choose not to react to them. After a while, I stop responding to individuals who are not communicating honestly and openly with me. When I get that feeling that I am either being attacked, manipulated, or that the other person is trying to control me, I take a step back and wait until mind is sound enough to reply...IF I choose to reply.
Hope that helps and big kudos to you for taking such good care of yourself.
~Lily
I am so glad you chose to stay away and that you didn't get roped back in. You are doing really great.
When it comes to his e-mails, I personally would choose not to react to them. After a while, I stop responding to individuals who are not communicating honestly and openly with me. When I get that feeling that I am either being attacked, manipulated, or that the other person is trying to control me, I take a step back and wait until mind is sound enough to reply...IF I choose to reply.
Hope that helps and big kudos to you for taking such good care of yourself.
~Lily
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Is there anyway that you can tell him that his lawyer will have to talk to your lawyer? It might save an awful lot of trees for all the spreadsheets being tossed about.
I'm sorry to hear that he also has such a hold on you still. I know this has been painful for you in many ways. I hope you can remember ALL the reasons you started on this path to your independence to begin with...it certainly does not seem as though he has your welfare in mind at all, I'm sorry to say.
I'm sorry to hear that he also has such a hold on you still. I know this has been painful for you in many ways. I hope you can remember ALL the reasons you started on this path to your independence to begin with...it certainly does not seem as though he has your welfare in mind at all, I'm sorry to say.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
What a snake!!! Perhaps he finally said some of the things you had wanted him to all along - showing remorse (kind of) for his actions in a half assed list of New Year's resolutions.
Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Your Christmas gift was another spread sheet suggesting he walk with everything of value and you get the left over's - you declined and your next correspondence from him was this heart string tugging "Gonna make myself a better man" ........
If I were you I would feel the same, I don't like to feel resentment or anger AT ALL - as an outsider looking in I see a man trying his best to manipulate, hoodwink and strangle you till you give him what he wants.
Your life sounds so good now - I am happy for you that you found peace!
Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Your Christmas gift was another spread sheet suggesting he walk with everything of value and you get the left over's - you declined and your next correspondence from him was this heart string tugging "Gonna make myself a better man" ........
If I were you I would feel the same, I don't like to feel resentment or anger AT ALL - as an outsider looking in I see a man trying his best to manipulate, hoodwink and strangle you till you give him what he wants.
Your life sounds so good now - I am happy for you that you found peace!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You guys, all of you, helped me a lot. And you made me really laugh!!
Right now, I have a divorce court date in mid March. In my mind, we will have already reached a divorce settlement and will present that to the Judge to be approved OR I will ask for a trial date. If I think I will be going to trial, I have until January 19th to complete the fault interrogatories.
So far, AH's e-mails have "admitted" to most of the fault grounds I cited when I filed the divorce. So while I have many times had my lawyer tell his lawyer to tell AH not to contact me directly, in the long term, it serves my legal purposes to have him put these things in writing. Otherwise I would be total non-contact.
Though, we will have to get the house ready for sale, and that will take some communication. If we do not get it cleaned up and clutter removed, it will be a distressed sale with a very severe financial penalty.
So the business part of my mind is assessing what is best to get the fairest divorce settlement, and I am putting up with the quacking when it serves me well in the long term.
The more telling part, however, is the emotional side. My responses to his nonsense are like litmus tests for my recovery. With your help, I've gotten my balance this time after less than a day, instead of the week(s) it took me in the beginning. I am still very fragile, though, and I so needed and need your support.
Some of things you've written are real insights to me. I didn't really GET it that he would want me back as I get happier and healthier but that makes sense to me. He didn't find another woman in a week, no one moved into the house to take care of his expenses and "nurse" him and now he is facing life alone at almost 70 years old and I must look pretty good in retrospect.
h00ped, your response kind of stunned me, but it is totally on. I will really thing about what you've said. I didn't get that as a narcissist he would be this calculated about my response. But he's a 10 steps ahead chess player, you're right.
"If he's a narcissist he's got a pretty good hunch of how you'd react to such a statement. It's just bait to get you feeling exactly like you're tempted to feel because for him, all he wants is CONTROL over you and your emotions again. This will give him a wee bit of "narcissistic supply" that he craves like a drug. And if he can get his foot in the door of your mind again, he could possess it again.
He's also being a huge jerk.
Let's break this down:
1) Don't lose any more wives.
Sarcasm and coldness. Notice the distance language he uses, he didn't say "don't lose you". Like Bill Clinton saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".
2) Limit alcohol consumption to 3 drinks. (I've been achieving this for months).
3 drinks a day, per hour, per half our?
3) Forgive people who hurt me.
Nice spin, but it's an insult. Of course he's not someone who should seek out forgiveness. What a great guy to offer forgiveness to those who have just made his life so intolerable. Big man, big big man.
4) Love is more important than sex
Narcissists know how to love (themselves), they are just pathologically incapable of loving anything or anyone but themselves.
Wouldn't it be fun to send his resolutions back to him in spreadsheet format"
Yep, you guys nailed it. You are right that he is playing with me. I lose faith in my ability to create a liveable future for myself, and that is what he wants because then I might go back to him. I think kindness and compassion are my worst enemies in this situation.
Not going to happen. I am going to make a list of things to do FOR ME, and just pick one on the list and go do it NOW.
THANKS!
ShootingStar1
Right now, I have a divorce court date in mid March. In my mind, we will have already reached a divorce settlement and will present that to the Judge to be approved OR I will ask for a trial date. If I think I will be going to trial, I have until January 19th to complete the fault interrogatories.
So far, AH's e-mails have "admitted" to most of the fault grounds I cited when I filed the divorce. So while I have many times had my lawyer tell his lawyer to tell AH not to contact me directly, in the long term, it serves my legal purposes to have him put these things in writing. Otherwise I would be total non-contact.
Though, we will have to get the house ready for sale, and that will take some communication. If we do not get it cleaned up and clutter removed, it will be a distressed sale with a very severe financial penalty.
So the business part of my mind is assessing what is best to get the fairest divorce settlement, and I am putting up with the quacking when it serves me well in the long term.
The more telling part, however, is the emotional side. My responses to his nonsense are like litmus tests for my recovery. With your help, I've gotten my balance this time after less than a day, instead of the week(s) it took me in the beginning. I am still very fragile, though, and I so needed and need your support.
Some of things you've written are real insights to me. I didn't really GET it that he would want me back as I get happier and healthier but that makes sense to me. He didn't find another woman in a week, no one moved into the house to take care of his expenses and "nurse" him and now he is facing life alone at almost 70 years old and I must look pretty good in retrospect.
h00ped, your response kind of stunned me, but it is totally on. I will really thing about what you've said. I didn't get that as a narcissist he would be this calculated about my response. But he's a 10 steps ahead chess player, you're right.
"If he's a narcissist he's got a pretty good hunch of how you'd react to such a statement. It's just bait to get you feeling exactly like you're tempted to feel because for him, all he wants is CONTROL over you and your emotions again. This will give him a wee bit of "narcissistic supply" that he craves like a drug. And if he can get his foot in the door of your mind again, he could possess it again.
He's also being a huge jerk.
Let's break this down:
1) Don't lose any more wives.
Sarcasm and coldness. Notice the distance language he uses, he didn't say "don't lose you". Like Bill Clinton saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".
2) Limit alcohol consumption to 3 drinks. (I've been achieving this for months).
3 drinks a day, per hour, per half our?
3) Forgive people who hurt me.
Nice spin, but it's an insult. Of course he's not someone who should seek out forgiveness. What a great guy to offer forgiveness to those who have just made his life so intolerable. Big man, big big man.
4) Love is more important than sex
Narcissists know how to love (themselves), they are just pathologically incapable of loving anything or anyone but themselves.
Wouldn't it be fun to send his resolutions back to him in spreadsheet format"
Yep, you guys nailed it. You are right that he is playing with me. I lose faith in my ability to create a liveable future for myself, and that is what he wants because then I might go back to him. I think kindness and compassion are my worst enemies in this situation.
Not going to happen. I am going to make a list of things to do FOR ME, and just pick one on the list and go do it NOW.
THANKS!
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
I lose faith in my ability to create a liveable future for myself, and that is what he wants because then I might go back to him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Shooting Star, I always read your posts with great interest. I'm about 10 years behind you, 53, with a 62 y/o XAF.
It's hard because it's hard. It's lonely. There was some type of connection in all of those years. I bet you and he did not start out badly. However, I think in your heart of hearts, you can now see his extreme narcissism (as opposed to the run of the mill narcissism displayed by most A's) for what it is.
I cannot imaging the crazy train that the "spreadsheet" thing is!!! Don't know whether to laugh or cry. One thing is for sure, he must be pretty desperate to get his way. Shocker, no woman (especially a young, hot babe) has materialized to console him. I bet you do look pretty DAMN good to him now.
As my sister would say, "if you don't stick your hand in the crazy, you won't get hurt." I hope the E,S, and H you read here fortify you. It is very hard to truly let go (I'm wobbling myself at the moment). Please realize that if you open that door again, you are volunteering for distress.
All of the best to you. I'd like to believe for all of us that there are healthier relationships outside of the borders of our dysfunctional histories. We just have to muster up the courage and persevere.
Good luck, and Happy 2013
It's hard because it's hard. It's lonely. There was some type of connection in all of those years. I bet you and he did not start out badly. However, I think in your heart of hearts, you can now see his extreme narcissism (as opposed to the run of the mill narcissism displayed by most A's) for what it is.
I cannot imaging the crazy train that the "spreadsheet" thing is!!! Don't know whether to laugh or cry. One thing is for sure, he must be pretty desperate to get his way. Shocker, no woman (especially a young, hot babe) has materialized to console him. I bet you do look pretty DAMN good to him now.
As my sister would say, "if you don't stick your hand in the crazy, you won't get hurt." I hope the E,S, and H you read here fortify you. It is very hard to truly let go (I'm wobbling myself at the moment). Please realize that if you open that door again, you are volunteering for distress.
All of the best to you. I'd like to believe for all of us that there are healthier relationships outside of the borders of our dysfunctional histories. We just have to muster up the courage and persevere.
Good luck, and Happy 2013
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
I think kindness and compassion are my worst enemies in this situation.
Awesome book that has really helped me get a hold on how I get played over and over is In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People. I'll summarize the author's strategy for dealing with people like this:
1) Learn everything you can about the personality disorder - specifically "what they really want and how they operate"
2) Become acquainted with their favorite tactics for manipulating and controlling others (like playing the victim, guilt-tripping, shaming, lying, minimization, flattery, false humility) that they use to throw you off guard so they can get you feeling or doing what will help them "win" what they're fighting for so you can EXPECT them
3) Know your own vulnerabilities and emotional buttons that the manipulator pushes with these tactics "knowing your own weaknesses is your greatest strength in dealing with manipulators"
4) Learn what changes you can make to your behavior to reduce your vulnerability
Awesome, awesome book. So empowering.
You might find a post I put up here on the board about a week or 2 ago about my relapsing ex and I going no contact and how much I was worried about what he was thinking and feeling, how he's such a victim of everything and that must be why he is drinking etc etc.
Wise board members were asking me basically why was I so concerned about what he's thinking and feeling
My compassion/guilt button is so easy to press, he doesn't even have to be speaking to or physically near me to get it going!
My XABF was diagnosed at one time as a narcissist also, he mentioned it casually one time but I didn't really take it seriously because he didn't have the hallmark "no empathy" or the verbal abuse. (This is before I saw the addictions come into light). But he has the "false self" that he strives to project and to achieve and when reality hits that it's actually a false self, that's when hell breaks loose and he throws himself into addiction.
Another really great book is Liespotting. I picked it up at the airport but it's really good for breaking down communication, it teaches you how to pick up on the subtle communication clues that professional interrogators and profilers use to detect deception. Liars often do these things unconsciously, the distance language thing is one of them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
I like your sense of humor 😂 I had to laugh at the wallpaper comment! I'm learning from you...I almost married my exabf....it's been 18 days of NC. And reading how you feel makes me feel better...I feel the same way you do. You sound like you're doing good and that gives me hope . I miss him too...then I have to remember...do I want to waste more years of MY life and get NOTHING back in return?
If you ever get a puppy...save those spreadsheets for potty training!
Xoxo
. I miss him too...then I have to remember...do I want to waste more years of MY life and get NOTHING back in return? If you ever get a puppy...save those spreadsheets for potty training!
Xoxo
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
:ghug3Dear Shootingstar, remember that they will usually quack for a long time---hoping to lure you back. That is what he is doing QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!
It has been only a short time since July--and you are on a healing path with enormous progress. I think it is natural to glance back at the broken dreams from time to time. As someone said: You can look back, but don't STARE! The holidays tend to bring a certain amount of nostalgia, I think.
I am glad you turned to your friends here on the forum. We care. You certainly are not alone!
sincerely, dandylion
It has been only a short time since July--and you are on a healing path with enormous progress. I think it is natural to glance back at the broken dreams from time to time. As someone said: You can look back, but don't STARE! The holidays tend to bring a certain amount of nostalgia, I think.
I am glad you turned to your friends here on the forum. We care. You certainly are not alone!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Those are some "oh whoa is me" resolutions!!! Have you thought about not opening emails? Maybe let him know that all communications should go through your lawyer, then stick to that? Your lawyer could even take care of that for you, he/she could let your AH know that all communications need to go through them. I just think every time you hear some of this nonsense from him it pulls you back into the chaos a little bit. And why let that happen, sounds like you're doing a great job of reclaiming you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
ShootingStar - you go girl! It may not feel like it at times, but you've got this totally under control, and your recovery is shining. Keep on keepin on!
~T
P.S. this thread made me laugh too! Thanks all! ; )
~T
P.S. this thread made me laugh too! Thanks all! ; )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Well, I had to read that $#!X&% spreadsheet - my attorney wanted me to comment on it to get it thrown out as the basis for the divorce settlement.
I can't believe what's in it now, on MY side of the ledger, obviously.
My engagement ring! He's charging me $8000 for that plus $3000 for pearls he got me to try to fix it all.
Unbelievable.
He can have them back for the next sucker. Or wear them himself.
ShootingStar1
I can't believe what's in it now, on MY side of the ledger, obviously.
My engagement ring! He's charging me $8000 for that plus $3000 for pearls he got me to try to fix it all.
Unbelievable.
He can have them back for the next sucker. Or wear them himself.
ShootingStar1
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