Y'all are right about their First Love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Y'all are right about their First Love
I just thought I'd share with everyone on here that when the veterans of this forum say an addict's first love is their drug......they're right! And, I'd bet that a recovering addict's first love is their recovery. And if a RA's first love is not recovery, they will undoubtedly become an A again, with their first love going back to being their drug. 
Here's my experience that proves my point:
Although our divorce is still pending, my AH and I reconciled. It's SUPER HARD to break it off with your spouse when they live with you and cry and have unlimited access. Not that I am blaming this on him. I'm just saying I was not strong enough to make him move out. I had mixed feelings. I wanted to be married to AH; I just wanted him to be sober. And, he was sorry and promising to be everything he said I deserved.....etc.
Things went smoothly for about 3 weeks. (One day I'm going to re-read my posts to see how much shorter our 'honeymoon' phases last.)
I knew he had a 'friend' from the clinic. I have never met this 'friend' and he told me he wasn't friends with him prior to the clinic. So, I began noticing that when AH would get a text from Friend, he'd immediately delete the text. Of course AH knows I have a history of checking his texts.....which is why I'm guessing he's deleting them. So, whatever, have your stupid convos with your new Friend. But, then I noticed he was leaving every evening again; makig sure I'd give him a call before I came home; etc. My suspicions were triggered. He knows I'm trying to be a recovering codie. Why's he doing this to me?
Sunday evening was a fun one! We were driving home and I flat out asked him if he was keeping something from me. He gave me the classic suprised look and said, "What!? No!" So, I thought this would be a good time to try to have a normal conversation with my AH who just days ago claimed his undying love for me....couldn't live without me....I'm the love of his life.
I told him that it concerned me that he was spending so much time with this friend and that he deleted his texts immediately after he read them. (There just happened to be an unread text that had just come in from this friend.) He said he's an NA friend/a friend from the clinic and that he has to keep everything confidential. I wanted to slap him! Seriously!? I remained calm and told him that I thought he and Friend were up to something. He said they weren't but that if it would make me happy, he'd just go against what all his counselors and other recovering addicts say, and he'd stop talking to this friend. I told him not to twist and manipulate what I was saying or me. I said that if there's nothing going on, then just show me that text. It'll be boring and I'll be satisfied. It would help me be able to build trust in him.
He freaked out and refused to show it to me! He said he's been doing everything right and that I was being crazy. Ok, I know that he's an adult and it's his phone but he's the one who broke all the trust in our marriage so he should at least try to rebuild it. I told him that I didn't even know if this was really a guy friend....could be a girlfriend...he's done that before...put girls' names under other names. I told him the confidentiality story is ridiculous. Even if he shows me the text, I have no idea who this person is, so it'd still be confidential.
Then I realized (again), he doesn't really care about me and I told him so. I told him that he knows, based on everything he's done in our past, that I don't trust him yet and he knows how anxious this is making me, and that if he cared about me, he wouldn't want me to be anxious and he'd just show me the text. (I know this is manipulative of me but it's also the truth.)
I also told him that if he thinks we're going to get home and then he's going to hand me the phone to make me feel better, he can just forget it. I know he would have already erased what he wanted before he gave it to me.
So, we drove a little more and he picks up his phone and looks at it. I can't see it really well but I can tell there are 2 text messages from 2 different people. He opens his messages menu and the top unread message is from this Friend; the second one is someone else. Even though I can't read the text from where I was sitting, I could still tell what he was doing. He opens the top message and reads it....there are 2 from Friend. He clicks on Edit and deletes one of Friend's paragraphs. Then he quickly opens the message from the other person and reads it. (I don't think he thought I could see what he did.) Then he hands me the phone. I call him on deleting part of Friend's message and he tells me that I'm crazy! Yes, the love of his life is crazy and just making stuff up!!!
Then last night, his New Years Kiss about gagged me because it tasted like pot.
So, for all of you significant others, take it from me, Separate.....Be Strong....and give it time!!!! I just LOVE this rollercoaster!!!!! One day I'll get motion sickness and stay off of it for good.
Happy New Year, SR!!!!!
Here's my experience that proves my point:
Although our divorce is still pending, my AH and I reconciled. It's SUPER HARD to break it off with your spouse when they live with you and cry and have unlimited access. Not that I am blaming this on him. I'm just saying I was not strong enough to make him move out. I had mixed feelings. I wanted to be married to AH; I just wanted him to be sober. And, he was sorry and promising to be everything he said I deserved.....etc.
Things went smoothly for about 3 weeks. (One day I'm going to re-read my posts to see how much shorter our 'honeymoon' phases last.)
I knew he had a 'friend' from the clinic. I have never met this 'friend' and he told me he wasn't friends with him prior to the clinic. So, I began noticing that when AH would get a text from Friend, he'd immediately delete the text. Of course AH knows I have a history of checking his texts.....which is why I'm guessing he's deleting them. So, whatever, have your stupid convos with your new Friend. But, then I noticed he was leaving every evening again; makig sure I'd give him a call before I came home; etc. My suspicions were triggered. He knows I'm trying to be a recovering codie. Why's he doing this to me?
Sunday evening was a fun one! We were driving home and I flat out asked him if he was keeping something from me. He gave me the classic suprised look and said, "What!? No!" So, I thought this would be a good time to try to have a normal conversation with my AH who just days ago claimed his undying love for me....couldn't live without me....I'm the love of his life.
I told him that it concerned me that he was spending so much time with this friend and that he deleted his texts immediately after he read them. (There just happened to be an unread text that had just come in from this friend.) He said he's an NA friend/a friend from the clinic and that he has to keep everything confidential. I wanted to slap him! Seriously!? I remained calm and told him that I thought he and Friend were up to something. He said they weren't but that if it would make me happy, he'd just go against what all his counselors and other recovering addicts say, and he'd stop talking to this friend. I told him not to twist and manipulate what I was saying or me. I said that if there's nothing going on, then just show me that text. It'll be boring and I'll be satisfied. It would help me be able to build trust in him.
He freaked out and refused to show it to me! He said he's been doing everything right and that I was being crazy. Ok, I know that he's an adult and it's his phone but he's the one who broke all the trust in our marriage so he should at least try to rebuild it. I told him that I didn't even know if this was really a guy friend....could be a girlfriend...he's done that before...put girls' names under other names. I told him the confidentiality story is ridiculous. Even if he shows me the text, I have no idea who this person is, so it'd still be confidential.
Then I realized (again), he doesn't really care about me and I told him so. I told him that he knows, based on everything he's done in our past, that I don't trust him yet and he knows how anxious this is making me, and that if he cared about me, he wouldn't want me to be anxious and he'd just show me the text. (I know this is manipulative of me but it's also the truth.)
I also told him that if he thinks we're going to get home and then he's going to hand me the phone to make me feel better, he can just forget it. I know he would have already erased what he wanted before he gave it to me.
So, we drove a little more and he picks up his phone and looks at it. I can't see it really well but I can tell there are 2 text messages from 2 different people. He opens his messages menu and the top unread message is from this Friend; the second one is someone else. Even though I can't read the text from where I was sitting, I could still tell what he was doing. He opens the top message and reads it....there are 2 from Friend. He clicks on Edit and deletes one of Friend's paragraphs. Then he quickly opens the message from the other person and reads it. (I don't think he thought I could see what he did.) Then he hands me the phone. I call him on deleting part of Friend's message and he tells me that I'm crazy! Yes, the love of his life is crazy and just making stuff up!!!
Then last night, his New Years Kiss about gagged me because it tasted like pot.
So, for all of you significant others, take it from me, Separate.....Be Strong....and give it time!!!! I just LOVE this rollercoaster!!!!! One day I'll get motion sickness and stay off of it for good.
Happy New Year, SR!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Faith - Reading your post brings back horrible memories for me. Honey-- You will know what decision works for you when the time is right. If I would have tried to do what I did this past year too soon I would have caused even more damage than he did to this family. Hang in there and take care of you. Your kids need you to be strong and stay healthy. Believe me I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could tell you that I reached my bottom and it's all roses now. There's still dysfunction and chaos now; the difference is that I'm in a better place. I continue to work on me so that his actions no longer control my life to the extent that they did in the past. Stay strong. Take it one day at a time and I know this is hard but it's not about you. If we could love them to recovery, we wouldn't be here. I pray that the new year brings us new beginnings towards a healthy and fulfilling future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Thank you, everyone! At least I expect to be disappointed by him now and it's easier to take. I'm really not even sad or upset but I am disappointed because it seems as though he is "just throwing away happiness with both hands," (GWTW). But at least his bad decisions no longer cause me to have mini-breakdowns. 
That's thanks to you guys!!!
That's thanks to you guys!!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: liverpool
Posts: 89
they say in the meeting what you hear here stays here and what gets said here stay here but i've never heard in all my 15 months of recovery that you cant show some 1 a text i feel from what i've read there is something very wrong, and if he as hurt u the way he as and he thinks anything of u he would show u the txt. He needs to realise that he as hurt you so much and by him not show the txt he will never get your trust back. That is why when i was tell you bout my problems i had to find the courage to walk away coz it jst not fair, I would never tell you to walk away coz that is something you have to decide but i jst felt like nothing is goin to ever change with my billy. Im sorry to here your goin throw all this and im here if you need me take care xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
I think your gut feeling is on the right track.
I used to want Addict Other to show me things texts or phone calls or emails. I used to want him to take drug tests.
Lately i have realized that i can trust my gut 100%. I dont second guess myself anymore.
I think when in recovery an addict realizes they have broken trust and will take actions to build the trust back. Actions of not hiding things.
I 2nd your comment of drugs being a first love, but i consider it more of an obsession. ADDICTED OTHER had 2 mistresses - ms. Cocaine and ms. Oxy. They came before me. He spent all his money on them. He would give his life for them. He protected them at all costs.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
I used to want Addict Other to show me things texts or phone calls or emails. I used to want him to take drug tests.
Lately i have realized that i can trust my gut 100%. I dont second guess myself anymore.
I think when in recovery an addict realizes they have broken trust and will take actions to build the trust back. Actions of not hiding things.
I 2nd your comment of drugs being a first love, but i consider it more of an obsession. ADDICTED OTHER had 2 mistresses - ms. Cocaine and ms. Oxy. They came before me. He spent all his money on them. He would give his life for them. He protected them at all costs.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: liverpool
Posts: 89
try have a look on line for family meeting with some 1 close to them who is a addict in your area my mum runs a meeting now after goin for 15 months and it has made her very strong, if you need any help i'm here if you need me take care xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 26
Bah- I used to be like that with my ex all the time. He'd delete text messages from certain people, or lie about who was texting him. I found tons of unknown phone numbers of calls he made and he used to put his drug dealing buddies under fake names (the girl who sold him speed, he put her under the name 'Mom' WTF?!) but he would never give me a straight answer as to who the heck these people were.
I tell you it was an unhealthy obsession with finding out who these people were, I actually saved one of the phone numbers and asked who it was (from my phone) and that's how I found out...I'm so glad I never have to do that again.
I tell you it was an unhealthy obsession with finding out who these people were, I actually saved one of the phone numbers and asked who it was (from my phone) and that's how I found out...I'm so glad I never have to do that again.
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