Married33

I have lived with a "functional" alcoholic for 33 years. I use the word "functional" loosely because alcoholism IS progressive and his ability to "function" is lessening. It's the holidays - a time to spend with family and friends - but I find myself dreading it more and more every year. This year was an absolute nightmare and with God as my witness, I will never put our kids or myself through this ever again!

Through the years, I've tried to "fix" him; I've believed him when he said he would quit; I've covered for him; made excuses for him; supported him; enabled him. Through the years, I've been so busy with him that I've lost myself. Oh, I did it all. Al-Anon, Counseling, Therapy (he wouldn't go; I needed "fixing") only to be back to square one. Always said he could quit whenever he wanted to and I wanted to believe him. I knew better but I wasn't ready to face it.

I left him for the first time 26 years ago. This forced him into AA and we went to counseling. Less than a year later, he'd have just one or two beers that would progress to one or two six packs and the cycle would start all over again. I left him again ten years ago. This time, I'd had enough! Packed up, left our family home (he wouldn't leave; had it too good!) and rented an apartment for over a year with our young son. Gradually, he convinced me he'd change. He told me everything I needed to hear.

Those of you with experience know what follows. It never stopped. Since July, he starts drinking every Fri. morning until he passes out by afternoon. Saturdays, same thing. Sunday, he leaves for work for 5 days and the cycle repeats itself when he gets home. The verbal attacks I can handle but now, his verbal abuse is aimed towards the kids. (We (I) are raising our 9 year old grandson). A few weeks ago, I told him I was going to leave so now the abuse is out of control.

I'm a Christian and go to church weekly with my son. I have a close relationship with the Lord and I KNOW the Lord wants me to leave NOW. Too many coincidences have taken place and too many things revealed to me in the last few weeks. I've lost all love I've ever had for him. He literally makes me sick and repulses me.

He's a control freak when it comes to finances. I work part time and have been looking for another job - full-time, so I can leave. (He won't even though I haven't slept with him in over 10 years!) I have excellent credit but no down payment for a house, saved in my name only. We own a beautiful home together but his name is on everything. He's telling me I'm going to jeopardize our financial security, I'm an idiot, and I have it so good I should be thankful. I used to believe this.

At times, I wish he would die, honestly. It's that bad. My weekends have turned into a living hell.

I've been looking at 2 bedroom condos and would like to purchase something for me and the little one to just be able to raise him in peace!

After this weekend, I need to get out NOW. No time to stay and save! He called the 9 year old a "loser" to his face today. I left with my little one until I knew it was safe to return after dark when he was passed out.

Tomorrow, we will start the cycle all over. His case of beer is chilling in the fridge. Case #3 since Sat. morn.

Where in the hell do I go!?! Safespace? A hotel? I have no family here and surprisingly, none of my friends know! Besides, I wouldn't burden anyone with this . . . any advice will be appreciated.

thislonelygirl

I have a few ideas 1. Roommates 2. Look at state resources to get out medicaid. Medicare w.e not sure how that works and 3. Exchange student. Usually if you house an exchange student (which will happen if you dont have a felony and rent or buy a place first away from your husband) you will be paid monthly for housing the student. They do check up on the student etc but from my experience its a great experience alone and the students range from highschool to college age.
I am sorry you are going through this its terrible when the alcoholic is someone so close to home literally under the same roof and refuses treatment or lies about their treatment intentions.
It is also a terrible life to live being with an addict who verbally abuses you.
I am familiar with this as well and that like everything else progresses. Its a shame they dont see or refuse to see what their actions do to others
I hope you find happiness.

change96

I was your husband! The worst part now is the guilt. I had said I was sorry so many time before the divorce..... The word has no meaning now. I wish I could tell you exactly what made me decide to HONESTLY get sober. I just woke up one day and said enough. I am sorry that you are going through this. 2013 will bring you peace, of that I am sure!

electricalguru

I would try and get as much documents as you can before you leave.

LoveMeNow

Have you seen a lawyer yet?? Hopefully, a good lawyer can get him out.

For now, I would stay in a hotel if you can afford it. My prayers are with you (and him). God Bless!

P.S. Please don't be afraid or "prideful" to ask your firends for help!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason why.

I recommend keeping your intentions secret. You have witnessed what happens when we share with an active alcoholic. Mine tried to bully me when I told him I was leaving.

What I did....I got two free consultations with two different lawyers to determine what my rights were. I took documents. Tax returns, credit card information, and booze receipts. I learned what I could expect as an outcome based on local laws and local rulings in my community.

Staying in a hotel can get you out of the front row seat to his recent alcoholic drama.

Keep reading and posting. We care.

Sasha4

If it was me, I would go with a hotel. The kids deserve somewhere nice to stay, especially after having such a rubbish holiday watching him and his behaviour.

I would leave when he was blacked out, so no ugly scenes.

I would also take/photocopy as many documents as possible that you can find.
That will put you in a stronger position.

How cruel of him to call your 9 year old a loser.
But how distorted...the only loser is him

Confetti

I am sorry that you are going through this.

For now, see if you can stay in a hotel or maybe with a close friend until the weekend is over. Call lawyers when the holidays are over and get some good legal advice. I think pelican has the right idea, keep your intentions secret....if only for a little while until you can round up any documentation and finances needed. Get your ducks in a row...things can turn ugly very quickly.

I know how awful and nerve wracking this can be. I kicked my STBXAH out of the family home nearly four months ago. When he left for work (he works away for weeks on end), I changed the locks. I have three babies (1,4, and 7) and it is excruciating to think of how awful he had behaved around them.

I am sending you lots of strength and positive thoughts. .

Recovering2

When I was trying to decide about leaving, I didn't let my A know it. I got a safe deposit box at the bank, and made copies of every document I would need. I also kept extra money and a credit card there.

I approached one friend I could trust, and told her everything. She has stood by me in all of this, gave me a key to her house if I should need to leave immediately. Don't be afraid to approach a friend. It has to be someone who won't talk to him. Get into AlAnon, you need the support. You will find others who have been in your shoes.

Honestly, it may take you a couple of months to get everything together and be ready to move. If that's the case, try hard to focus on you and your ultimate goal. Don't engage in arguments, don't get caught up in his ridiculous behavior. You are not jeopardizing your financial future...what future do you have with an abusive A?

You will get through this. The only way through something is through it. If you have to leave in a day, you will survive. But try to stay calm and make good decisions for you. Keep posting, we are all here for you....

Married33

I awoke this morning to find him drinking coffee and beer. The kids are asleep, still. I needed to read what each one of you wrote - - the legalities, keeping quiet, telling a friend . . . I've been through this so many times that I can accurately predict what he will say or do next so please don't worry - - I AM getting out.

I've only been up an hour or so and I've already heard that he didn't do anything yesterday to "deserve" us walking out. He picked me apart already, telling me how I should treat my computer (as I accidentally slammed it down on the table), asked about the "fiscal cliff", asked what's the plans for New Years - - like he's innocent and I'm to blame! It's like he's forgiving ME! Just another rerun of a movie I've seen too many times . . .

Yes, forget the beautiful little condo I want. That would take too long, probably a couple of months. Although this house is MY house, I will gladly leave when I find a place to go. Looking at apartments today . . . starting to pack up my things. That's my plan for New Year's Eve.

Have decided to get out when he's out of town for the week to avoid his badgering.

Pray for me today!!!

BrokenAmbitions

truly you leaving if only temporarily might be his bottom. If that doesn't show him how his life is unmanagable idk what will and id hate to know any more pain deeper than that personally in a weird way you may be helping him as much as the here and now may seem dim.. for him this may be the moment that through you and doing this .. in short you are helping build back the family in the long run..if he chooses to see that truly this is god acting through you and your children ' god doing for him what we can't do for himself.'

4444lost

you just told my story and it hurts,I have yet gotten to the point of leaving but I see it coming everyday, when he picks up the 1st beer and drinks it in 2 seconds and thinks I didnt see.I feel you.

ShootingStar1

Married33, I left my AH of almost 20 years last July 4th after his alcohol verbal abuse and porn abuse became intolerable.

The suggestions you are getting about taking time to get your legal and financial affairs in order are spot on with my experience.

You need to get your own credit established. If you have a credit card in your own name now, raise the credit limit as high as you can get it. If you don't have one, get one or two now with as high a limit as possible. I had one VISA card where I was the primary card holder, and it was a godsend. On every other card where my AH was the primary card holder, he removed me as a user without telling me. Get the names, account numbers, addresses, customer service numbers, and at least 12 months of month statements for each credit card that you or he have. You'll need it if you divorce him.

You need to get a bank account in your own name. He can remove you from any bank account which he is primary account holder and you won't be able to get any money or back statements. Get the 12 months of bank statements, plus account numbers and customer service info. I couldn't get any statements sent to me except at the address on the statement, and that was where AH was living.

Talking to a lawyer is essential. You may need to remove substantial funds from joint accounts; some spouses clean out the money from the accounts. When my AH reversed a $6800 payment on MY credit card (a lot of it for his porn), my attorney advised me to move half the balance in some of the major accounts.

I took a copy of the financial computer files where AH had done our bookkeeping, and that was extremely useful. I am still looking to see if he was moving money during the last 6 months of our marriage, and I needed to see the bookkeeping files he kept. Take copies of all investments, account numbers, balances, customer service, back statements.

Take the house deed, tax bills, copies of any other documentation. Take the insurance policy information, including beneficiary designations. Take copies of the past 3 years tax returns. Take copies of the car registrations.

If you haven't already, start making documentation of his alcoholic bad behavior and how it affects you and your grandson.

Seeing a lawyer is so important; most likely you have rights to half of the house, given the length of your marriage, and a Judge may award it to you. Don't assume that you'll be the one to move out and start over with nothing.

Having a small network of friendly souls ready to help me when I needed it really made a difference to me. So think about who you can confide in who will give wise advise and a strong shoulder to lean on. I tried not to lean on any single person too much, and figured out what each one could comfortably do to support me so that the enormous upheaval I was going through didn't weigh anyone else down too much. My grown kids were wonderful, as were several friends, my psychiatrist, and my doctor.

Maybe your pastor can be helpful; they are there to comfort those who need it. And there may be domestic violence resources in your community that can point you in useful directions, including a temporary place to stay. Verbal abuse is as much abuse as is physical abuse, and now your AH is verbally abusing your grandson.

Finally, I had to undergo a shift in my thinking that was very hard for me to fathom. I had spent many many years hiding my AH's deteriorating behavior, thinking it was mainly caused by medical problems, not really getting down to brass tacks and understanding the huge impact of alcohol on his behavior. So I was all to ready to "take care of him", even as I was leaving him because of his abusive behavior to me.

It is okay, now, to take care of yourself and your grandson FIRST, whatever that may mean. It can mean that you are free to, in a respectful way, talk to friends and family when you need to to take care of you and your grandson. That is not disrespectful. It may be essential to getting out of this and starting to heal. I was very surprised that people already knew so much, and that I had been the "ostrich".

What happened, happened. You didn't cause this, you can't control, and you can't cure it. And you have the right, and probably the need, to get absolutely honest about what has happened to you over all this decades.

For me, to heal, I had to stop feeling responsible for the affects of his behavior on me. I didn't do those things; HE did, and I don't have to cover them up and swallow them anymore. He is an adult, and HE is responsible for the consequences of his actions.

It will be six months this Friday, January 4th, and my life is so much more healthy and peaceful. It has been a very difficult passage for me, after almost 20 years, lots of inconsolable grief, but as I take stock of the New Year, I am on my way to a much happier more fulfilling life.

This forum has been a lifesaver for me, come back as often as you want, and we'll be here.

ShootingStar1

ForeverOptimist

I will be praying for you today. I agree with other posters that you should confide in friends when you are ready. I was ashamed for so long and told no one. I have been amazed at the support shown me - several of my friends have A's in the family. I've found this is such a shameful family disease that no one talks about it so I'm guessing you will be surprised when you have the courage to speak up. I believe God will place people in your life to help you. Best wishes to you and I hope for a peaceful 2013 for you and your grandson.

Redheadsusie

Oh I am so sorry- when you see them go after the little ones - our maternal instincts kick in- I always said I could take anything but you go after my kids and god help you! Do what is best for you and your kids- you are worth it. I asked AH to leave literally for the 5th time recently - I was going and I said forget this- I have a dog and kid here - he can go so he did - he has family to live with. I don't . IMHO- they don't get better - I like you am tired of the lies and the mean comments - how they behave in such a way and then act normal. Before we split last month AH had unloaded his hatefulness on me- told me I make every waking minute of his life miserable - the next morning he honestly texted me from work- saying "hey- do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" I dont get it but you know what - I never will - take Care and write anytime!

electricalguru

When my AW called my girls little bitches I knew I had to do something. I waited to long to do something though and it cost me dearly. Stick to your guns.

wednesdaynext

How hard for you, I am so sorry that this is happening. I agree with what every one has said, the only thing I would add is that if you go to a hotel please make sure you let the desk clerks know that they are not to give out your information. Coming from one who spent many years behind a hotel front desk there are ways they can not let him know where you are if you don't want him to. Hang in there. You deserve to be happy. I envy your ability to walk away.

Married33

This site is a Godsend. I don't even know you guys but God is working through all of you to encourage me. The advice is so appreciated. Things were suggested that I never thought of and believe me, I will put them all in action! I need healing, peace and the support of people who are going through this, too! My grown kids are wonderful and have been so very supportive of this. I hurt so badly for them because I didn't stick to my guns 10 years ago! You know, I always felt I had a strong faith in the Lord and that through Him, I could do all things. Reading scripture a few weeks ago, I came to the realization that if I gave this to the Lord, He would rescue me. Problem is, in the past, I'd keep taking it back! But this one time, I didn't. My eyes were opened. I know in my heart that staying enables him. I know, too, that once I break free, I will never, ever look back. Lots on my plate this week . . . safe deposit box, copies, new bank acct., hoard cash, sell gold jewelry, (hee hee!) find a rental, pack and for once, begin to take care of ME!!! Even thinking about selling my antiques at a flea market. I am getting quite creative and thank you to ALL OF YOU!!!