Justshy

I posted for the first time the other day. My husband has been sober for 7 days. His parents were here for the past 5 days and he stayed with them in a hotel. He came home today and announced that they had paid for a hotel room for him for the next week so he can "think". He said our home (me) is a negative environment and he needs to be in a positive place in order to heal. He is going to a partial day outpatient program at a local detox/rehab and will be there everyday and attending a meeting at night. He has only been home twice since going to the 3 day inpatient rehab. Both times I have started crying and he says "see, you're negative, this isn't good for me, this makes me want to drink." Am I supposed to not have feelings? I had envisioned his recovery for so long as being something that would be difficult, sure, but something we would do together as a family. Is it unfair of me to want him to be at home so that we can work on things? In my head, I'm thinking...wow a week in a hotel, away from the kids, the dog, me and all responsibility...isn't that removed from reality and will make him think that he should permanently leave because its "easier"? Or am I being selfish?

Tuffgirl

Hi justshy - I don't think you are being selfish - just wanting something he is telling you loud and clear he isn't able to give right now. I do admit he could say it in a different way (but early recovery is just as baffling and confusing and emotional as active drinking, so no big surprise). But I assume he is thinking something along the lines of "she wanted me to quit drinking and now she's trying to control how I do that, too".

Why not let him go with encouragement? It may be that some time away would do you some good, as well. Do you attend Al-Anon? Might be a good time to practice detachment and lower your expectations a little. If anything is to have a chance in hell of changing, he needs to do whatever it takes to make it happen. If space apart is what he needs, let him go. Shoot, drive him there and send him off with a kiss!
~T

Boxguy

I agree with tuffgirl. I know this is tough and that you want to be with him for th shearling process but perhaps this is what's best in the very early stages.
I hop Ethan he returns stronger.

thislonelygirl

I agree as well.
I know it unfair and tough and you are never to blame for his drinking BUT he wants and feels he needs
To recover elsewhere. Just as we must learn to detach so they can find sobreity we must too detach so they can continue to obtain it. Atleast in early recovery. Not take things to heart and allow them to
Find their own way. Sometimes its not thevway we thought out for them but if it works
And finds his way back to you sober and healthy....then let it be.
Afterwords then you can work with him everyday after that and mend your lives.
I dont agree with the way he said it. Not at all. You cry because you care and to throw that in your face to me is cruel but hes just now coming out of the addictions arm pit....nastiness will eventually even out and or die down . Hes got to recover first and learn.

dollydo

Sometimes we need to have an acceptance level, him staying in a hotel for another week is not the end of the world. Take this time to work on you, are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More?

No, you are not being selfish, however, I also know that addicts in recovery need to be as selfish as they were when they were doing their DOC. I really don't understand all this selfish stuff, but, I have learned that it is....what it is.

Justshy

I actually just bought the book Codependent No More about 10 minutes ago. I managed to let him leave to go to the hotel without crying...although...he said goodbye to the kids and our 7 year old said "where are you going daddy?"...and I slightly flipped out saying "what??? You didn't tell them you are leaving for a week?" He then proceeded to explain to them that he was staying in a hotel so he could "study his books, attend classes, and get better", which was a good explanation since they are 10 and 7. However, the 7 year old cried for a good 10 minutes, so then my husband was mad that I didn't "help" with calming her. I really do understand that recovery is hard, but do I need to make everything "easier" for him? It seems that is what his parents are doing by giving him the hotel room for the week. Am I supposed to tiptoe around and not let reality cause normal stress? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm truly asking. I will do whatever I should. I just wish there were a blueprint or lesson plan for me to follow!

Boxguy

Try to remember its just temporary

dollydo

" I will do whatever I should. I just wish there were a blueprint or lesson plan for me to follow!"

There is a plan...read all you can about addiction...read about codependency...
there is a lesson...learn that you cannot control another, the only person that you can control...is you.

Also, take some time to read cynical one's blogs, can be accessed at the top of this page,
a real learning center.

thislonelygirl

It is only temperory and if a week maps out the rest of yalls lives....wouldn't you let it?
In that week you will find you time and if you are calm your kids will be and when he retyrns it will all be worth it to have remained so.

thislonelygirl

As for makimg it easier for him. To recover? Yes. To drink ? No
See the difference?
One is for the better and one is for the worst.
Best luck

Recovering2

I understand your frustration. But look at it this way. He wants to point the finger at you, say you're negative and that's why he drinks. Fine. Take you out of the equation. Detach yourself from the behavior. Be agreeable to his plan, it is only temporary. If it works great! If it doesn't, he can't blame you.
Put your focus on you. Take this time alone to read and educate yourself. Find an AlAnon meeting. Take care of your kids. Don't focus on him and his plans...you are not responsible for his recovery.