kvqdjmw

I have just recently left my ABF... and I am having a hard time dealing with it although I know it was the right thing to do. We first met about 5 years ago on the Big Island Of Hawaii and at the time he was already seriously involved with another girl. (I was 18 then he 19) He broke up with his GF of three years and him and I started dating but it only lasted a few months before he went back to his previous relationship. This hurt me at the time because I loved him already. At this time in our lives we both partied a lot. I just drank mostly but did sometimes do meth or coke with him which i had already had a long history with. he was just starting to get into meth around that time. anways we broke up and never spoke again. Until one year ago we reconnected on Facebook. He told me that he had recently OD'd on a pretty insane concotion of drugs and had died for 5 inutes. and how he had changed his life and that god had given him a second chance to live. I thought he had had a life changing epiphany. He was on suboxone and going to AA meetings 2-3 times a day. i was thrilled to hear this because i had secretly been mooning over him for years. by this time I had been long over doing drugs although I did still go out and drink with my co-workers occasionally. I had mved off the big island and been living on Oahu for about a half year. We ended up meeting up on the big island when i went to visit for my friends bday. It was like instant love all over again just the instant we saw eachother it was butterflies everywhere. We started a long distance relationship and took turns flying to eachothers island each weekend. we said the I love yous two days into us dating again and it only took two days of us seeing eachother to decide we wanted to date. it was intense and fast. i ended up getting pregnant almost instantly within the second month of our long distance relationship. we talked a lot about it and decided to keep the baby. i never once applied pressure in this area because i dont think you should ever force that kind of resposibilty on someone. if he would have said he didnt want to have a kid i would have had an abortion. but we decided to keep him because we were so in love. this i think subconciously was his breaking point although he denies it. a month after we find out im pregant he relapses right before my 22nd birthday and crashes his truck. i flew out there and he swore it would never happen again and we continued to look for places for us to move into and have a family. i moved back to the big island a month later. throught my whole pregnancy he would be sober for a little bit then relapse and the be sober for a litle bit. i always flipped out and i was always so hurt because i just couldnt understand how he could claim to be so madly in love with me but choose to lie to me and do drugs it got really bad when ihad my baby shower. which was pretty ****** timing because my wholw family and his whole family were in town staying with us. it was so humiliating to have my sister and friends see how messed up he was because i always said such good things about him. after that we came to a breaking point and i told him i would move back to oahu if it kept happening he got back on suboxone and started going to meetings again everyday. this was in september a month before i delivered. everything became PERFECT with him sober there was absolutely nothing for us to argue over we set up our nursery and we were so in love and happy. i gave birth on oct. 16th to a boy and he was just a natural father in all honesty it took me longer to be okay then he was. everything was amazing for the first two months of our sons life. he went to work everyday i took care of our son and made dinner and cleaned house. then he ran out of suboxone and was getting weird about getting it again. he said he didnt need it and that he didnt want to be dependent on anythign and that his sponser said he oculd never truley have his connection with god if he was on it. he just recently admitted that he didnt want to get it anymnroe because he had done meth and knew he would fail the drug test the doctors would give him. i didnt notice at first that he was using. but then he slowly starting acting weird staying up late soemtimes than crashing for two days and always complaining about his stomach. i started to ask him if he was using again and he denied saying i was crazy and swearing on our sons life that he was sober! last week i was cleaning up while he was at a meeting (which he wasnt really at because i found his big book in my car) when i found a nug of weed on the deck. i knew that tehre was no way all he would be doing was weed so i called him and told him i had found something and that he had better fess up he said that he had smoked meth. i snapped and said i didnt want to be with him anymore and took our soon to my friends house and stayed there for the night he ignored all of my phone calls that day. which he had never done before. he finally convinces me to please come home and give him one more chance and that i could test him now and he would test clean that he had only done it a couple times. so i get home and he shows up to the house loaded! I flipped out and i mean flipped out i hadnt had a mental breakdown like that since i was 14. i screamed and i cried and i started packing all my things and told him we were moving to oahu. i thought this would making him start doing what was right but instead he just went off the deep end. he would come back and say how sorry he was and that he was oging to check into a rehab and then he would dig out again and ignore my phone calls then come back again he even did it to me on chirstmas. My sister and my best friend flew over from oahu helped me get my things togetehr and bought me a ticket home. the last day before we were leaving he starts crying and i try not to be mean and guilt tripy and just be loving and supportive he says he wants to go to rehab so i say he can come with us and we can check him into one in oahu. 30 mins before we leave to the airport he starts runs out the door and reverses as fast as he can out of the driveway with me running after him crying. but now i am here in oahu and even on the phone i fed back into his ********. continued to talk to him and be supportive he said he was flying out today and checking into a rehab. but then he said oh his doctor and mom didnt want him to do that. i found out that he was lying and that he wa smissing in action all day yet again. so i sent him one last text 3 hrs ago and changed my phone number. i know what i am doing is right because i cant keep living on this false hope and having my heart break over and over again. its just i cant believe how different he is on drugs. i cant believe that he would ever hurt ne so bad..... how he could cry and beg and say how in love with me he is and that me and our son are all he wants in the world and then do exactly whart he knows will ruin it. anyways.... i =m going to be strong... he wont be able to call me but i have to make sure i dont call him either. i just wanted more than anything to have a family. and although i am young i was ready..... and my dream my family just came shattering around me in the amtter of 7 days. : ( what can i do? do i still hold on to some hope that he will check himseld into a rehab without my support... is there any chance that this can be mended one day???? i st8ill want it to work he is the father of my baby. i want my baby to have a dad...

amsterdampoe

You did the right thing. He has to do this because HE wants to. You should know that when you are addicted to drugs that is all that matters. The shear though of withdraw and going without drugs causes an addict to go into shear panic and leave as fast as possible. I have done this trust me. Me personally when someone gives me an ultimatum gets rebellious and self destructive. Just be supportive if he goes into rehab. This is a big step. Once his mind gets clear keep a strict regiment and drug test often. It is good that he already understands the program and how to build a support group. Nothing can stop him if he wants to use. Stay positive and all you can do is control your future.

BabyJane

I'm sorry this happened to you. What a tough thing for a new mom. Theres a good support thread for friends and family here on SR too I bet would be helpful.

Take Care