anger management in practice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 3
anger management in practice
OK I've been sober nearly two months now. I'm living in a very good recovery house, doing all the right things - 90 meetings in 90 days, big book study etc. For the most part, I am progressing but one thing I have a huge problem with is anger management. For me anger tends to arise on the days where I visit with my family. Most of the arguments are around my progress, things I'm doing (or not doing). None of us have very good communication skills. A lot of the things they say about me and my character defects are often rooted in their own misconception, or their own perceptions (which I often feel are unfair or untrue) My response is usually to shout back and defend myself, but that only prolongs the arguing and fighting.
This is how I've usually handled conflict in the past, but I am reluctantly coming to the realization that right now, at this stage, in my recovery getting angry and defensive back is not a luxury I can afford. So I've done something which is incredibly painful and difficult (and yet one I feel necessary) for me to do - to basically just "suck it up" and "take my lumps" so to speak and allow them to express it, even if I feel the way they're doing so is unfair and not constructive. They have a lot of anger frustration and sadness and they need to get it all out. So I'm going to let them.
The problem is that it seems like I have no other option to to keep the anger to myself and work it out internally in my mind, in a healthy way. I've been reading everything I can about anger management and all the advice strikes me as making sense and good to learn and practice. The problem is, when I'm suddenly angered - the emotion seems to take over and then it's so easy to forget everything I've learned - and yell or get defensive and then a split second later regret it. Has anyone else found this? Does it get better with practice?
This is how I've usually handled conflict in the past, but I am reluctantly coming to the realization that right now, at this stage, in my recovery getting angry and defensive back is not a luxury I can afford. So I've done something which is incredibly painful and difficult (and yet one I feel necessary) for me to do - to basically just "suck it up" and "take my lumps" so to speak and allow them to express it, even if I feel the way they're doing so is unfair and not constructive. They have a lot of anger frustration and sadness and they need to get it all out. So I'm going to let them.
The problem is that it seems like I have no other option to to keep the anger to myself and work it out internally in my mind, in a healthy way. I've been reading everything I can about anger management and all the advice strikes me as making sense and good to learn and practice. The problem is, when I'm suddenly angered - the emotion seems to take over and then it's so easy to forget everything I've learned - and yell or get defensive and then a split second later regret it. Has anyone else found this? Does it get better with practice?
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Hey Anth,
It sounds like you are doing really well and you have got some kind of plan around your anger and how to manage it. Sometimes we have to sit and be quiet and just take it. But not all the time. Sometimes it's healthy to shout a little bit. Just because you're managing your anger doesn't mean you have to take hostile language and environments and do nothing about them. Express yourself healthily.
I used to be really angry and rarely a day went by when I wasn't shouting the house down. In the last 8 months I have raised my voice twice and it took a lot to make me shout. I hope you figure out a way to deal with this that keeps everyone happy.
Natom.
It sounds like you are doing really well and you have got some kind of plan around your anger and how to manage it. Sometimes we have to sit and be quiet and just take it. But not all the time. Sometimes it's healthy to shout a little bit. Just because you're managing your anger doesn't mean you have to take hostile language and environments and do nothing about them. Express yourself healthily.
I used to be really angry and rarely a day went by when I wasn't shouting the house down. In the last 8 months I have raised my voice twice and it took a lot to make me shout. I hope you figure out a way to deal with this that keeps everyone happy.
Natom.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Okay, I see two issues here.
First of all, it sounds like you are being verbally abused by your family. That's not okay. Abuse is not okay, ever, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. My suggestion would be to take a step back for awhile, at least, until you feel ready.
I also had a lot of anger issues when I stopped drinking but I think I was mainly angry at myself for becoming an alcoholic. For me, journalling helped a lot to get my feelings out. Have you considered counselling or an anger management course?
First of all, it sounds like you are being verbally abused by your family. That's not okay. Abuse is not okay, ever, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. My suggestion would be to take a step back for awhile, at least, until you feel ready.
I also had a lot of anger issues when I stopped drinking but I think I was mainly angry at myself for becoming an alcoholic. For me, journalling helped a lot to get my feelings out. Have you considered counselling or an anger management course?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 26
I find that I can relate a lot to you Anth.
Basically, if I say anything my family doesn't want to hear, I get the business.
If I don't want to discuss something with them, "I'm hiding something."
If I get frustrated, it's because "I want to drink."
Basically, if I say anything my family doesn't want to hear, I get the business.
If I don't want to discuss something with them, "I'm hiding something."
If I get frustrated, it's because "I want to drink."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Originally Posted by Anna 
Okay, I see two issues here.
First of all, it sounds like you are being verbally abused by your family. That's not okay. Abuse is not okay, ever, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. My suggestion would be to take a step back for awhile, at least, until you feel ready.
I also had a lot of anger issues when I stopped drinking but I think I was mainly angry at myself for becoming an alcoholic. For me, journalling helped a lot to get my feelings out. Have you considered counselling or an anger management course?
First of all, it sounds like you are being verbally abused by your family. That's not okay. Abuse is not okay, ever, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. My suggestion would be to take a step back for awhile, at least, until you feel ready.
I also had a lot of anger issues when I stopped drinking but I think I was mainly angry at myself for becoming an alcoholic. For me, journalling helped a lot to get my feelings out. Have you considered counselling or an anger management course?
I journal every day. I have used the statements from WFS as a starting point for my entries, or an inspirational quote I have seen somewhere. My old journals were always filled with negative thoughts and feelings, I have been focusing on being positive in my new journal, it has been helping.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Welcome Anth
I'm with Anna too
I had a lot of anger when I quit too...part of my managing that was to take a step back from my family and others who pushed my buttons...the other part was a little counselling...
those two things, along with some time and some sobriety, really helped bring me peace - I can be around my family now without that vein in my neck bulging or my left eye twitching
good to have you with us - and congrats on your progress Anth
D
I'm with Anna too
I had a lot of anger when I quit too...part of my managing that was to take a step back from my family and others who pushed my buttons...the other part was a little counselling...
those two things, along with some time and some sobriety, really helped bring me peace - I can be around my family now without that vein in my neck bulging or my left eye twitching
good to have you with us - and congrats on your progress Anth
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Some great responses so far.....
I think it's great that you're looking for new ways to deal with your emotions.
I've found that anger is often my first reaction to being hurt and one of the hardest things to do is to step back and not want to say something hurtful back.
I don't think it's healthy just to "take it" though. You can still let them that their comments are hurtful to you. Just do it at a time when you're not feeling really angry.
Big congrats on your upcoming 2 months!
I think it's great that you're looking for new ways to deal with your emotions.
I've found that anger is often my first reaction to being hurt and one of the hardest things to do is to step back and not want to say something hurtful back. I don't think it's healthy just to "take it" though. You can still let them that their comments are hurtful to you. Just do it at a time when you're not feeling really angry.
Big congrats on your upcoming 2 months!
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Most likely the single best thing you can do is to recognize the feeling you have which precedes an angry outburst. When you feel it, LEAVE THE ROOM, immediately. Often it’s a good idea to tell your family you are going to take a “time out” (so they do not follow you out the room) long before you ever need to take it. Take enough time to calm down sufficiently before returning. If everyone understands that you need this time to calm down you can often change the pattern of communication and make it much more constructive.
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