mfox

We all cling to hope. And that hope is what so frequently keeps us holding on to an unhealthy relationship - one that drags us down, demeans who we are. We sacrifice our morals, our money, other relationships, our happiness and ourselves to hold onto this hope that the person we love still exists deep inside the shell that stands before us. It's HARD to let go of that hope. But sometimes its necessary.

Today is my AH's birthday. I guess that's pretty inconsequential in his life since pretty much everything else is as well. He disappeared from his mom's again on Christmas Eve - said he was going to the bar to play pool and never came back. This is a man who doesn't drink and has been going through major methadone withdrawals for the past week which basically kept him in bed. But that didn't stop him. He didn't come back or call for Christmas or the day after. He finally called his mom this morning. She's going to pick him up now. She says she is bringing him back to the town I live in after the first of the year and leaving him here because she can't deal with him anymore. I told her he can't come here so she is taking him to his dad's - who also won't let him stay there so I guess that means he is finally homeless.

I'm done now though. I sent him this message this morning and don't expect a reply:

"It's over, Harley. We are finally through. I can't take the lies and manipulation and cheating anymore. You asked me to tell you when I was through, so I am telling you. It isn't because I don't love you. It's because you don't exist anymore. The man I still love beyond all reason is gone and I don't see that he willever come back. You continue to profess your love for me, but your love of crack consumes you to the point that you can't love anyone - me included. I also know you are and have been seeing someone else. I'm not stupid. Okay, I AM stupind and have been in the past but I am going to stop believing your lies. You have lied since you met me and you will never stop. I don't lie. I deserve more. So, you have finally gotten what you have been fighting for - for me to let go completely. I am packing what is left of your things and you can get them or I can take them to your dad's. I can't afford to pay the cancellation fee for your phone yet, but I have limited your use because I won't pay for your B.S. between you and your girlfriend and dealers. If you want to take over that line, please let me know and I will sign it over to you. I hope you get help. I hope you find happiness. I hope I do also. I will always love you, but it is time for me to be happy. I deserve that. Trust me, there is no one else and won't be for a very long time. But being lonely is far better than staying with you in a never ending nightmare. I just can't and won't do it anymore. I wish you happiness and love in your future. Goodbye, Harley."

It hurts to say goodbye to something and someone who was once so beautiful. It's hard to say goodbye to the dreams you had with that person. But it is also necessary in so many cases. I hoped (yes, there's that word again) space and time might help him gain perspective. I was wrong. It helped him find new dealers and new lowlife friends in a new town. It didn't change anything. He still refuses to go to rehab. I told him about the Salvation Army rehab. He says he can't be gone that long. Whatever. Just another excuse.

But I have been so much happier since he's been gone. Even though I still clung to the HOPE that things might change and he might clean up. That hope is gone.

Now I hope I can manage to ONLY surround myself with those people who deserve my love and loyalty. I hope I can make mine and my childrens' lives amazing without counting on him to be a part of it.

I'm sad, but relieved. I have made the choice. Now to stick to it. Now is where I start the no contact that I NEED. I will let his dad come pick up his things. I don't have to see him that way. And I will move on. I will heal. I WILL be happy.

I'm just venting I guess so I appologize. I hope you all have great day and a wonderful new year.

RedBaron5

Amazingly well written. Like so Many post here, I was reading the note you sent him through my voice, speaking to my herion addicted fiance, for a year I've trashed my own life clinging to the hope of what "could be" or that the person we all know was once there would return. I'm just barely beginning the "letting go" process, but post like these let me know I'm not alone.

Kindeyes

It is amazing how we can let go when the pain of staying with them exceeds the fear of being without them.

I let go of my AXH about 30 years ago. I dont' regret it. Two years after the divorce, I met my current husband. We've been together for almost 28 years. He is a healthy, loving, kind man (and not an addict or alcoholic!). You deserve that kind of partner too.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Anaya

mfox: No need to apologize. You are on a good path, and I appreciate what you've shared.

Wishing you a wonderful new year, also. Stay strong.