soexhausted

I am now going on three months no contact with XAGF.
Except for one unfortunate e-mail that I sent in a weak moment.
My question is I have also been no contact with her parents whom I had been very close too.
I had been in her life over eight years.
I am not surprised that I have not heard from them being that my XAGF left me for a guy she met in rehab and they know all I had done for her.
Do I still send them a Christmas card?
Or do I stay no contact with the whole family?

Confetti

Hmmmm....that's one to think about. In your situation, I don't think that I would. Lets say that in a year from now you are in a new relationship....you wouldn't send them one then, would you? I think that if these are people which you plan on maintaining in your life, then ok. But I think that if you haven't spoken to them in three months, maybe it just doesn't matter.

That said, I sent a Christmas card to my soon to be X in laws, but on behalf of the children. It is from them and includes their school and soccer pictures. They will always be my children's grandparents, and even though I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't plan on currently maintaining a relationship with them, I don't want to add any more fuel to the "confetti is poisoning the children against us" fire.

soexhausted

Thanks for the replies.
You both make very good points.
I can not see maintaining the relationship. So what is the point?
And also something that occurred to me from your post Leise that I had not thought about is that even though I had a great relationship with her parents I have no idea what reason my XAGF gave them about why we broke up.
One thing I can be sure of is that she did not tell them the truth.
I know her. And she is not going to tell her parents that she met another alcoholic in rehab after two weeks and left me.
If the choice was to disappoint her parents or tell them something that might make me look bad in their eyes, I can feel pretty confident in which option she would choose..

Tuffgirl

I have a wonderful relationship with my girls' Dad and his family. But we have kids together, so it has been in my best interest to maintain these relationships. Plus, I really like them all.

My exA's family - not a word. So I felt it was best left that way. I wouldn't know what to say anyway, ya know? It would feel strange and awkward.

I think its up to you - you know these people, we don't - but I would suggest thinking rationally about your agenda. What do you get out of maintaining those ties?

thislonelygirl

Out of love and respect for her parents I would send them a card.
Why should they be removed from your heart because of her?
You be the kind person you are. The mature person you are despite the addict she is.

cr995

This is a very interesting question. AH stopped talking to his father because of me. They had an argument because his dad did not agree with how he was treating me and told him so. However his dad also contacted me by email to say that he hoped that the divorce would not affect our relationship. As AH is an only child and we have two children I am the only link AH's dad has to his 2 grandchildren. I visit him when I can and keep in touch by email but it's a two way street. I suppose the question to ask yourself is what is the motivation for staying in touch with them? I am well aware that I am trying to show my children how important family are and never to cut anybody off. Also it would be strange to me to suddenly throw people out of my life who were there for so long. But the down side is if you want to start over then this is flying in the fact of NC and its hard to move on. It seems to be a balancing act. I would say do what is best for you.

Shadydeal

Honestly, I really think I'd leave it alone. I keep in touch w/my XABF's family but I have know them for 25 years & have long before we dated. It does help that they live in another state. However, I think it prevents me from healing as quickly and I know that it is not healthy for me! So, I think it is best to leave well enough alone if you can!

soexhausted

It seems to me that there is really no right or wrong answer.
On one level I would like them to know that I have not forgotten about them and still care.
But on another level they have not reached out to me.
The last contact that I had with my XAGF she told me not to talk to her family anymore.
I am sure she told them the same.
Of which they would listen for fear of upsetting her in her frail state.
I know that she does not want me talking to them because of what I might tell them.
I'm sure she lied about why we broke up.
That however is no longer my concern, what she did or did not say.
I have decided not to write them.
As many of you mentioned if we had children together it would be another story.
They have got enough to worry about with their alcoholic daughter.
Her entire family lives out of state.
Knowing that I was here for their daughter gave them at least some peace of mind.
And it gave them some solace that they could always call me to check in.
Now once again when it comes to how their daughter is doing, they have to blindly rely
on what she tells them.
So if they contact me that is one thing, but if they don't I feel the best thing for me is too let go of my XAGF and her whole family.
There is no happy ending to all this no matter which direction you turn.