How to cope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 3
How to cope?
I am a mother of a adult child drug addict. My whole life has now changed. I noticed my son plumenting mentally, physically, not caring of his appearance, he smelled so bad. I would have him stay with me so he would shower and eat and never understanding of what was going on with him. Then my son stole my diamond necklace and a blank check and thats when I found out how bad he really is. So I had to tell him he could no longer stay with me and he will not get any money from me. He is homeless and hungry and it tears my heart apart.
I found some rehab numbers and church numbers, took him his clothes and handed the phone numbers to him and said the rest is up to you. When you get tired of your lifestyle and want to change there is help. Just call please.
All I can do now, is let him go into God's hands and pray for him. But I feel bad when I eat, and when I cover with my blanket because I wonder, is my son warm? Does he have food.
so this is where i am now. Just typing this post, crying because my heart hurts for him. A few days after my son left my apartment I noticed on the frig that he placed a magnet over his face on his picutre. His picture is when he looked healthy and dressed nice. Now its like that person is gone.
How do we cope?
I found some rehab numbers and church numbers, took him his clothes and handed the phone numbers to him and said the rest is up to you. When you get tired of your lifestyle and want to change there is help. Just call please.
All I can do now, is let him go into God's hands and pray for him. But I feel bad when I eat, and when I cover with my blanket because I wonder, is my son warm? Does he have food.
so this is where i am now. Just typing this post, crying because my heart hurts for him. A few days after my son left my apartment I noticed on the frig that he placed a magnet over his face on his picutre. His picture is when he looked healthy and dressed nice. Now its like that person is gone.
How do we cope?
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
Welcome to the forum LaBreeze. I'm sorry for what you are going through with your son, its heartbreaking. I've never been in your situation but the best thing you can do is help but not enable your son which it sounds like you are doing.
There is alot of help and support on this forum, you have found a great place with people who have been in your situation. I'm sure you will see from the replys you will get.
I'm going to say a prayer for you and your son. I hope he realizes he doesn't have to live that way......there is a better life. Take care!
There is alot of help and support on this forum, you have found a great place with people who have been in your situation. I'm sure you will see from the replys you will get.
I'm going to say a prayer for you and your son. I hope he realizes he doesn't have to live that way......there is a better life. Take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 3
Questions flood me
Thank you for your kind words.
questions flood me, as to how much do we don't do? or how much do we do?
I don't know if that makes sense but let me explain.
Christmas is upon us....Christmas eve, I'm having a turkey dinner here at my apartment and I will be having my daughter and her boyfriend over...do i invite my drug addicted son? He is invited to my Dad and Moms house on Christmas morning but I don't know if he will be physically able to get up that early. IF he was here at my apartment, he could ride with me there. BUT I can't let him stay because of already telling him he could no longer stay with me. BUT it is for one night because of the holiday. BUT I don't want to enable him but I also want to show him we still love him.
Sad to say, but I want him to hit rock bottom so maybe he will sooner call out for help.
Questions just flood me right now....
questions flood me, as to how much do we don't do? or how much do we do?
I don't know if that makes sense but let me explain.
Christmas is upon us....Christmas eve, I'm having a turkey dinner here at my apartment and I will be having my daughter and her boyfriend over...do i invite my drug addicted son? He is invited to my Dad and Moms house on Christmas morning but I don't know if he will be physically able to get up that early. IF he was here at my apartment, he could ride with me there. BUT I can't let him stay because of already telling him he could no longer stay with me. BUT it is for one night because of the holiday. BUT I don't want to enable him but I also want to show him we still love him.
Sad to say, but I want him to hit rock bottom so maybe he will sooner call out for help.
Questions just flood me right now....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....there are many mothers here who have experience coping with an adult child who is addicted. Your post stirred up strong feelings in me as I understand so intimately how you are feeling. My son has been homeless for about three or four years and progressing in his disease from the time he was about 15......so it's been going on for half his life but only got really bad in the last six years or so. It's so hard to see them dirty, hungry and cold. He is currently in the Salvation Army Adult Rehab in the 30 day initial no contact time so I don't know how he is doing but I know he is in God's hands.
It has been a very long journey.
I became quite sick myself trying to help him with his addiction. But I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and sought help for myself. You are doing that by coming here.
I also found that attending Nar-Anon meetings (Al-Anon if Nar-Anon isn't available) helped me with coping skills. I found a sponsor and many friends who understand in ways that most people cannot.
You asked.....how do we cope? And that's a key question. There are so many coping skills that we gather to help us cope with addiction. But it takes time to gather those skills and begin to employ them. It doesn't happen overnight.
I have learned to stop obsessing. I have learned to let go and let God. I had to get to the point that I accepted that my son could very likely die from this disease and let go of my fear of that potential outcome. I had to concentrate on taking care of me first....because my worry and obsession was killing me!
Our sons have choices. They are addicted and that isn't a choice but they do have a choice to do something about it.....or not. We also have choices.....to live our lives.....or go down with them.
I hope you stick around. Read as much as you can. Ask questions. Reach out. Tell us more about yourself so that we can better understand you and what you have done (or are doing) to help yourself. This is a great forum.
We understand. You are not alone. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
It has been a very long journey.
I became quite sick myself trying to help him with his addiction. But I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and sought help for myself. You are doing that by coming here.
I also found that attending Nar-Anon meetings (Al-Anon if Nar-Anon isn't available) helped me with coping skills. I found a sponsor and many friends who understand in ways that most people cannot.
You asked.....how do we cope? And that's a key question. There are so many coping skills that we gather to help us cope with addiction. But it takes time to gather those skills and begin to employ them. It doesn't happen overnight.
I have learned to stop obsessing. I have learned to let go and let God. I had to get to the point that I accepted that my son could very likely die from this disease and let go of my fear of that potential outcome. I had to concentrate on taking care of me first....because my worry and obsession was killing me!
Our sons have choices. They are addicted and that isn't a choice but they do have a choice to do something about it.....or not. We also have choices.....to live our lives.....or go down with them.
I hope you stick around. Read as much as you can. Ask questions. Reach out. Tell us more about yourself so that we can better understand you and what you have done (or are doing) to help yourself. This is a great forum.
We understand. You are not alone. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
How do we cope?
This is heartbreaking. But the good news is you did what you needed to do in terms of protecting yourself, by establishing your boundaries and telling your son what he has done and is doing isn't acceptable. So many of us come here not having the strength initially to do what you did, whether it's with a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a child.
One way to help yourself cope, in my opinion, is to find a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting, and begin the work on healing yourself. Allow others who have been through what you're going through to comfort you and share what they did to keep their own sanity. Read as many of the posts here as you can, starting with our Sticky Notes at the top of our homepage.
You're going to feel what you feel. You can't duck that. But you can learn how to frame those feelings in a way such that they don't completely overpower you and your ability to reason. You can get through this, and you will get through this, provided you work on doing the right things.
Welcome to the Board.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
If your son isn't done yet, you'll experience more of what got him kicked out in the first place. That includes him getting a fix in your presence and or withdrawing.
A few years ago I was so determined to have a happy Christmas that I shoved my suspicions aside about my daughter (now recovering IV opiate addict). I won't ever do that again. It was a terribly painful experience for the entire family.
A few years ago I was so determined to have a happy Christmas that I shoved my suspicions aside about my daughter (now recovering IV opiate addict). I won't ever do that again. It was a terribly painful experience for the entire family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
he placed a magnet over his face on his picutre. His picture is when he looked healthy and dressed nice
i am so sorry. i know you love your son...we all love people who are destroying themselves, but we cannot let ourselves be destroyed along with them.
this board is a wonderful healing place filled with people who truly understand, and who have words of wisdom to offer.
i'll pray for you both.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Welcome to SR. I am sorry for what has brought you here addiction is an ugly disease the above posters gave you valuable information. I am the mother of 2 AS (addicted sons) and I have an AH (addicted husband) You seem way ahead of where I was with my sons you saw where you were enabling and did something about it you gathered a list of resource numbers for him. Your obviously a loving mother.
Christmas, well IMO that is a choice only you can make one of my sons will be at my house on Christmas we will first go to my dads then come back to my house he will eat and I will take him back where he lives as far as I know he is not currently using but there is no way for me too really know. My other AS is currently in prison so needless to say he will not be here.
There are shelters your son can stay at if he chooses and where I live there are different places in town that feed people at different times of the day. I guess I am trying to let you know your son has options if he is cold or hungry.
We cope by remembering You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
We post and read, we work a program our self like we wish they would.
We live One day at a time, which sometimes becomes a minute at a time early in our recovery. We take care of us by eating healthy, getting exercise, getting enough sleep.
Those are just a few things we can do for US because sadly the addicts we love have to wanna quit and they have to do the hard work it takes to do so.
I will be the first to admit I often fall back in my recovery we are human.
I feel your pain of when you eat and when you go to bed. I see your HP is God so is mine this, is something that helps me when I go to bed each night and say my prayers at the end of my prayers I visualize a big set of kind and loving hands, I ask God to take each of my addicted loved ones one at a time and I say God, I now place B.... in your loving hands for you to hold and protect and for your will to be done.
I always feel peaceful once I am finished with my prayer and I know that God has my loved one for the night just like God always does.
Christmas, well IMO that is a choice only you can make one of my sons will be at my house on Christmas we will first go to my dads then come back to my house he will eat and I will take him back where he lives as far as I know he is not currently using but there is no way for me too really know. My other AS is currently in prison so needless to say he will not be here.
There are shelters your son can stay at if he chooses and where I live there are different places in town that feed people at different times of the day. I guess I am trying to let you know your son has options if he is cold or hungry.
We cope by remembering You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
We post and read, we work a program our self like we wish they would.
We live One day at a time, which sometimes becomes a minute at a time early in our recovery. We take care of us by eating healthy, getting exercise, getting enough sleep.
Those are just a few things we can do for US because sadly the addicts we love have to wanna quit and they have to do the hard work it takes to do so.
I will be the first to admit I often fall back in my recovery we are human.
I feel your pain of when you eat and when you go to bed. I see your HP is God so is mine this, is something that helps me when I go to bed each night and say my prayers at the end of my prayers I visualize a big set of kind and loving hands, I ask God to take each of my addicted loved ones one at a time and I say God, I now place B.... in your loving hands for you to hold and protect and for your will to be done.
I always feel peaceful once I am finished with my prayer and I know that God has my loved one for the night just like God always does.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
You now have to have faith in God. {or the higher power}
I know it is hard, but truthfully you have done the hardest part. Now jut trust that what you have done will allow God to do his part.
It is interesting this happens around Christmas. For the greatest gift is giving up your own son as God did his.
My the magic of Christmas bring you peace.
I know it is hard, but truthfully you have done the hardest part. Now jut trust that what you have done will allow God to do his part.
It is interesting this happens around Christmas. For the greatest gift is giving up your own son as God did his.
My the magic of Christmas bring you peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello, I also have an AS (22) who stole from us 4 times! Each time, I prayed that he would really be okay (I enabled plain and simple). Son is doing time til 2-10 for the theft from our home. All I can share is that addicts do NOT think about things like food, shelter and comfort. Their comfort comes from their DOC. My son spent 3 months homeless living God knows where. I would not offer my home to my son again until he has proven by his ACTIONS that he is in recovery. That day has not happened yet and at this point, I give him to God every day.
We are all here for you, keep posting and reading. It truly helps
Hugs and Happy Holidays,
Teresa
We are all here for you, keep posting and reading. It truly helps
Hugs and Happy Holidays,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Maryland New York
Posts: 29
I am so sorry that you are going through that with your son but, I can relate because my husband of 22 years is an addict. You absolutely did the right thing, I need to do that with my husband, it is heartbreaking. I put him out of the house last month for like a week and he of course made phone calls to get himself help, my mistake was letting him back in. He looks awful so skinny, not eating well. He is suppose to start the suboxone program in January but he is doing nothing right now which if he was serious about his recovery he would be doing everything he can to get better like meetings etc. It is so exhausting living with an addict. I am trying to start focusing on myself but it is easier said than done.
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