courage2

It was a beginner's meeting, and they made special time for anyone who was a real beginner to say something. So I just said my name & that I was an alcoholic & that it was my first meeting ever & that I was on day 5. I was shaking so bad that was all I could manage – it felt like too much. But I’m a talker when I’m nervous.

I really liked the general atmosphere of the meeting. Several women gave me their numbers (one asked for mine, but I refused, I hope not offensively), and encouraged me to come daily & to women’s meetings. I’m going to go to at least one meeting tomorrow & Sunday if I can squeeze it in.

Even so, I left pretty freaked out. Personal contacts are really intense for me and I have a lot of distrust of other people's motives (yes, even at an AA meeting in a church!), and it was all a bit overwhelming. Actually, I briefly considered (I guess it’s still in the back of my mind) getting drunk afterwards to deaden my nerves.

Though I’m an atheist, I don’t have a problem with the idea of surrender or the use of God words. But hearing everyone share just riles up all this crazy stuff in me, and I wonder if that’s good for me. I worked with addicted & alcoholic kids for a pretty long time, and one of the things I realized was that I was getting a sick vicarious thrill out of it. Not cool.

BTW, I’ve also wondered if using SR is really healthy – at least using it the way I’ve been doing, pretty obsessively. I went back to some notes I was writing to myself on the day I registered on SR: “I don’t know if this is good or bad. Except it passes the time and doesn’t hurt anyone, except maybe me, and I can hardly hurt myself more than I’ve been doing every day of the week.”

I guess that’s what I’m thinking about AA: It can’t hurt worse than using.

I know AA can be a touchy topic in this forum, but I'm not trying to start an argument. I’m very new to this world and just fumbling around. I guess my question is, is AA always so emotionally intense for everybody, or is it just me?

(Sorry for such a long post. I'm a talker/writer when I'm nervous!)

andisa

Interesting reading of your experience here. Like you, and probably countless other, I too get strangely nervous, shaken, during and after meetings. I think that's entirely healthy however, they stir something up in us, something very scary to confront.

For many years since "officially" quitting my method of "recovery" if you can call it that has been avoidance. If I simply just don't think about using, and don't do anything to stir up those thoughts, I'll eventually get over the obsession. Right? Not so right. The things that compel us to want to use do not go away that way. They just remain there, lurking, waiting, and if we do nothing to address them, it's likely our old habits will resurface. Our old ways of dealing with problems or anxieties or whatever prompts us to want to use will be what we resort to.

It's important for us to confront our demons (even atheists have demons.)
I'm finding the serious importance of surrounding oneself with the strong support of others who have navigated through this battle and found a healthy solution. If you do nothing, you'll likely remain stuck. If you allow your fears to control you, you'll remain stuck. So find strength where you can find it, either in meetings or with others you can trust or here at SR, and proceed forward.

Applecrumble

Congratulations on getting to and reflecting on a first AA meeting and also working in SR. Sounds like you responded to your own queries already and that's great. If it helps, keep doing it!

And confronting difficult feelings and realisations all has to be part of it I reckon. just be open to receiving support from others to help you through challenging areas ... On here, in aa or elsewhere.

And yes, I do find aa meetings emotionally intense (I'm also new) I think it's all the honesty. Never pretty but only way to clear away and rebuild.

Take care, applecrumble

tomsteve

good on ya,courage! more than likely what yer feelig has nothing to do with goin to the AA meeting. it has been with you a long time and masked by alcohol. now the alcohol is leaving yer body and all them feelings and emotions are starting to show.
dont let em stop ya from goin back and dont feel bad about the distrust. we dont trust you either. would you trust yerself if ya just met yerself, especially at an AA meeting, where the largest fellowship of ex untrustworthy drunks meet?
trust is a 2 way street. it has to be earned through action.

Bubovski

First of all congratulations on day 5.
Watch out for chose Xmas celebrations.
As for those 'confessions" I didn't like them much either.
'Higher self' need not be a problem as you indicate.
If you find A.A.anyway helpful I would suggest you stick it
out at least till you get quite some more days up.

courage2

Thanks everyone who has replied so far. I'm definitely going to keep going to meetings and in NYC I have a lot to choose from. Trying to fit in two tomorrow.

murchovski, i'm taking off for the desert for the holidays, so to avoid the pressure of parties.

andisa, tomsteve & applecrumble you're all right about the emotions that lurk. i'm really terrified about my straight personality. there's a reason I've been trying to shut it down for years!

Mcribb

if you make a call it helps them as much if not more than you.

sugarbear1

WE are emotionally intense at 5 days of sobriety!

The steps are where change takes place.

IndaMiricale

This is wonderful..


Welcome Home.
That is more than you could of done for your first time...

You did great.. Dont worry about all the words and stuff right now.

Most of us alcoholics dont trust people either, thats why your surrounded with liars, cheaters, and thieves..

But we dont have to be that anymore with each others help..


Keep going back..

adamjet

Glad you are doing what you feel is good for you. You are correct though, some things can be healthy for one person and unhealthy for another.

SavingSelf

I had been to AA 15 years ago but didn't really consider it "going" as I didn't invest in it and didn't say anything and didn't consider myself an alcoholic at that time. I think I went to 2 or 3 meetings then.

Almost 2 months ago I went to my "first" AA meeting and YES I was nervous/emotional etc. It took over a month for most of those emotions to lesson a little (I still get nervous but not as much now.). I could only go 2-3 times a week. I think more meetings would help me but that is just not possible. I am agnostic or atheist depending on the day. But I am actually for the first time ever feeling spiritual. I do think some of the AA stuff is rubbing off on me--in a good way. I don't think I would ever pray in a traditional way, or want to go to church...but there is a peacefulness about me that has never been there before. And I thought for years AA was not for me. Is it totally AA? Or is it that I am finally ready to change? I really don't know--but I am going to continue to go to AA. The fellowship alone is worth it for me (and I am an introvert). I like that you don't always have to share and can just listen.

I am at day 50something now. And I feel good.

Keep an open mind. Realize that you can take what you need and leave the rest. Try not to over complicate your thinking. When listening to others know that you may not relate or understand everything that is being said, but occasionally you will, and that is pretty cool.

I wish you well on your sober journey, whether you decide to stick with AA or not.

Dee74

I don;' know much about AA but I know that being here on SR - pretty much full time in the early days - saved me.

I think some obsessions can be good

D

courage2

I just wish I could work! I thought if I weren't drinking I could work, but all I can do is obsess about drinking/not drinking.

But I really don't much choice, do I? I mean, I could give in to the brain's autopilot and go back to drinking, and thereby do irrevocable, serious damage. That's not something I would choose, as long as I can help it. And I can't magically stop my mind obsessing.

So here I am, and I hope nobody minds all my wordy posts!

Maples

I can totally relate. My first AA meeting was exhausting. Pressure, expectations, scared of being uncomfortable. I am a 33 year old man, and I literally shed tears when they gave me my 24 hr coin. I'm tearing up just thinking about how hard that was and how glad I was I did it. I brought my best friend with me for support, without him I might have never gone.

You must feel relieved and I hope you understand you should be proud!

jennikate

Sounds like an overall good experience. I was on an emotional roller coaster for a while after becoming sober. It's normal. Just give yourself time to recover. You've been through a lot, I'm sure.

tomsteve

dont feel alone in that either. the insane thing for me was using alcohol to do it without realizing it didnt work for crap. it will get better iffen ya put in the footwork of the program.

milly4me

Courage,

Congrats on day 5. That's quite an accomplishment.

I think anything outside of our normal comfort zone (which is avoidance via drinking) has got to feel uncomfortable. The the fact that you are feeling uncomfortable means you are doing something different. And nearly anything different from daily drinking as GOT to be good for you.

I also agree that obsessing on SR is not a bad thing. I think it can be helpful.

Coldfusion

C-

109 posts is not an obsession.

Other than that, my story is the same as "Savingself." I'm at day 50, and the AA meetings is what has done it for us (my wife too).

Sapling

Good job on going courage....I think that's awesome. At day five I was still in medical detox so I can't speak much on how my emotions were. I went to my first meeting on about day 10....A year and half ago. I look at it like starting a new job...You don't know anybody...You don't trust anybody...You don't know who works or who just slacks off. But everyday you keep showing up and it doesn't take long to figure that stuff out. Pretty soon you have some fiends there and you're learning to do your job the right way...From the ones that know it. AA is a job for me...The payoff....My life.
I was going to two...Sometimes three meetings a day for my first few months...The overtime payed off. The solution is in the book. The directions for the steps are in the first 103 pages...Study it. You'll not only solve your drinking problem....You'll learn how to live contently without alcohol. That's a gift. Here is another gift if you don't have a copy.


The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

Rusty Zipper

good for you courage,

and if you can, check out the mustard seed meeting in nyc

we say there's nothing like face to face contact,

and sheesh, you will see some faces! lol

it's a great meeting, and been around for years