Why do they say "enabler"
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Why do they say "enabler"
Why do they call the partner/loved one of an alcoholic an "enabler", when after they leave the alcoholic continues to drink anyway? Why do they call it "enabling" if the alcoholic is going to drink regardless?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I think it's because when we're there we busy ourselves trying to save them from the consequences of their choices, so we "enable" them to continue comfortably in their addiction.
Addicts can choose to engage in their addictive behaviors, but without an "enabler" to allow them to do it in comfort they have to concentrate on at least some of the realities of life. They can't pour all their energy into the addiction as easily, because at least some energy is needed elsewhere.
That's how I always viewed it anyway. It's a good question, as the word does seem to imply that if we stop then they'll stop, and that's not really the case. We may enable them to continue the addiction longer, but that still doesn't give us any power over it.
Addicts can choose to engage in their addictive behaviors, but without an "enabler" to allow them to do it in comfort they have to concentrate on at least some of the realities of life. They can't pour all their energy into the addiction as easily, because at least some energy is needed elsewhere.
That's how I always viewed it anyway. It's a good question, as the word does seem to imply that if we stop then they'll stop, and that's not really the case. We may enable them to continue the addiction longer, but that still doesn't give us any power over it.
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Shielding them from the problems of their addiction in any shape or form.
I use to be guilty of enabling and after awhile I learned the three cs and what enabling was doing. Not good.
My mother inlaw is an enabler . A HUGE enabler.
From blaming others for ahs addiction or addictive behavior.
Denying its severity
Making excuses for drinking related problems
Ie he didnt miss work because he was drinking he missed work because
He was tired and them blaming me because he didnt get sleep.
I dont think that makes her a bad person. It makes her a mother one whom cant
Defforentiate between her son and the addict.
Hope that helps
I use to be guilty of enabling and after awhile I learned the three cs and what enabling was doing. Not good.
My mother inlaw is an enabler . A HUGE enabler.
From blaming others for ahs addiction or addictive behavior.
Denying its severity
Making excuses for drinking related problems
Ie he didnt miss work because he was drinking he missed work because
He was tired and them blaming me because he didnt get sleep.
I dont think that makes her a bad person. It makes her a mother one whom cant
Defforentiate between her son and the addict.
Hope that helps
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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This is a really good question! For me, allowing aka enabling some one's bad behavior - whether its addiction, abuse, theft, lying etc - prevents the person from feeling the consequences of their decisions. Often times, we enablers become the scapegoat for their actions. We can prevent them from taking full responsibility for the own choices.
Whether or not some one continues destructive behavior, without any one around, deep down, in a moment of clarity, most know who is really to blame. Themselves!!
Whether or not some one continues destructive behavior, without any one around, deep down, in a moment of clarity, most know who is really to blame. Themselves!!
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1. to provide (someone) with adequate power, means, opportunity, or authority (to do something)
2. to make possible
2. to make possible
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If someone says something like, "you need to leave the relationship because you don't want to be an enabler" for example. But most of the time the A continues to drink anyway, so how exactly do you stop "enabling" the A by leaving?
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Very good questions choublak...
You don't want to be an enabler because you will have it in your consciousness that you are assisting someone in his or her slow suicide/self-destruction. Supposedly you have to leave things better than how they were, not worse, and the only way to heal "the world "(or at least your immediate surroundings) is to heal yourself.
You don't want to be an enabler because you will have it in your consciousness that you are assisting someone in his or her slow suicide/self-destruction. Supposedly you have to leave things better than how they were, not worse, and the only way to heal "the world "(or at least your immediate surroundings) is to heal yourself.
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The term "enabling" can be troubling.
In all areas of life, we sometimes "rescue" people or give them advice/reminders to prevent a big mistake. That's normal. If we see someone is walking out the door and they've left their wallet on the table, many of us will mention it. However, if the person is constantly leaving things behind, we probably should "shut up" and let them "feel" the inconvenience of having to return and get their forgotten item.
All of us need "help" occasionallly....I sure am grateful for an occasional reminder/correction that prevents a big "oops"....but it becomes a problem if the person gets so much help that they aren't able to function without someone constantly "fixing things" or helping them.
In all areas of life, we sometimes "rescue" people or give them advice/reminders to prevent a big mistake. That's normal. If we see someone is walking out the door and they've left their wallet on the table, many of us will mention it. However, if the person is constantly leaving things behind, we probably should "shut up" and let them "feel" the inconvenience of having to return and get their forgotten item.
All of us need "help" occasionallly....I sure am grateful for an occasional reminder/correction that prevents a big "oops"....but it becomes a problem if the person gets so much help that they aren't able to function without someone constantly "fixing things" or helping them.
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Designated driver - allows friends to drink and insulates them from the responsibilities of driving while they are unable to perform the task
But a designated driver doesn't assume responsibility for your life. If they get you home and you forget to set the alarm and sleep through work they don't do your job, pay your bills and then handle your life tasks so that you don't get hurt by life - enablers do that.
Probably one of my worst moments in life was the instant it occurred to me that I wasn't protecting my wife, I was murdering her. Every day that she did not have I get up and deal with life was another day of atrophy for her brain and will and body. I tried 100 ways to help her - all with the best intentions - and all I did was make her climb out of the hole she was digging deeper and steeper. The sooner we stop enabling them, the sooner they become able again or wind up gettin PROPER treatment.
The bonus? Not only do you get to deal with the guilt of watching them fall without reaching to soften it, you get to deal with the hurt and betrayal in their eyes when they feel like you abandoned them.
But a designated driver doesn't assume responsibility for your life. If they get you home and you forget to set the alarm and sleep through work they don't do your job, pay your bills and then handle your life tasks so that you don't get hurt by life - enablers do that.
Probably one of my worst moments in life was the instant it occurred to me that I wasn't protecting my wife, I was murdering her. Every day that she did not have I get up and deal with life was another day of atrophy for her brain and will and body. I tried 100 ways to help her - all with the best intentions - and all I did was make her climb out of the hole she was digging deeper and steeper. The sooner we stop enabling them, the sooner they become able again or wind up gettin PROPER treatment.
The bonus? Not only do you get to deal with the guilt of watching them fall without reaching to soften it, you get to deal with the hurt and betrayal in their eyes when they feel like you abandoned them.
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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife 
The term "enabling" can be troubling.
In all areas of life, we sometimes "rescue" people or give them advice/reminders to prevent a big mistake. That's normal. If we see someone is walking out the door and they've left their wallet on the table, many of us will mention it. However, if the person is constantly leaving things behind, we probably should "shut up" and let them "feel" the inconvenience of having to return and get their forgotten item.
All of us need "help" occasionallly....I sure am grateful for an occasional reminder/correction that prevents a big "oops"....but it becomes a problem if the person gets so much help that they aren't able to function without someone constantly "fixing things" or helping them.
In all areas of life, we sometimes "rescue" people or give them advice/reminders to prevent a big mistake. That's normal. If we see someone is walking out the door and they've left their wallet on the table, many of us will mention it. However, if the person is constantly leaving things behind, we probably should "shut up" and let them "feel" the inconvenience of having to return and get their forgotten item.
All of us need "help" occasionallly....I sure am grateful for an occasional reminder/correction that prevents a big "oops"....but it becomes a problem if the person gets so much help that they aren't able to function without someone constantly "fixing things" or helping them.
Awhile back I had a "friend" who was always forgetting things. One at a time they were small, simple things anyone could do - forgetting to close the drain on her ice cooler so it leaked water into my trunk for 8 hours, leaving her keys in a restaurant, almost locking me out of my apartment, always locking herself out of the house... But together they formed a picture.
The cat litter in my trunk saved the other things she had in my trunk (although my stuff was soaked, and there was no offer to replace the ruined cat litter), I drove her around for hours trying to find her keys (she had her car keys, she could have done it), I had my leg slammed by the door when I stopped her from locking me out (and justifications about why she was slamming my door shut when I have no shoes on, no purse, no pockets, and am clearly intending to go back inside), and so no surprise she asked me to keep her apartment key when her neighbor said she wasn't permitted to climb into her house through theirs.
When I said no she got angry, spiteful, manipulative, went heavy on the guilt trips, and started the whole repeat dial thing even after I told her to stop because she was acting out like XABF did.
We don't talk anymore. I hope she's okay, but I am not responsible for maintaining her life. I was permitting her to be irresponsible without consequences, and she kept expecting me to do it more.
The "relationship" was about her needs and wants, and I was an afterthought. As long as I was there, she'd keep expecting me to bail hee out.
Now that I'm gone she can continue to do what she does, but it won't be as comfortable. She has to either modify her behavior, or put time into finding someone else to bail her out, or feel the consequences of her own irresponsibility. She can pick her own choice of what she wants, but either way she has to think about what happened.
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Awhile back I had a "friend" who was always forgetting things. One at a time they were small, simple things anyone could do - forgetting to close the drain on her ice cooler so it leaked water into my trunk for 8 hours, leaving her keys in a restaurant, almost locking me out of my apartment, always locking herself out of the house... But together they formed a picture.
When a person constantly loses things or forgets things or makes "dumb mistakes" you can't help but wonder if something is wrong with the person...especially if they haven't developed any "back up systems" to help them. I know someone who constantly runs out of gas (money isn't an issue), loses things, needs help finding things, throws important things out, etc. Thankfully, she doesn't live near me so she can't bother me or demand/expect help...lol.
Most people who are a big absent-minded or a bit ADD will develop back up plans. Since I sometimes have problems forgetting to take certain things with me on a trip, I put them in my car before I have to leave or I'll tie the bag to my purse so that I won't leave it behind. When I'm in a hotel, I'll thread my phone charger thru my purse, suitcase, or tote bag so I won't accidentally leave it behind. However, these folks don't seem to bother with developing any of these "little helpers" to keep them on track.
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