Wharf Rat

I am not new here, I've been coming around for years..in and out of AA, white knuckling, or just giving up and getting drunk. But I am finally ready to surrender.

I am your basic 36 year old guy with a beautiful wife of 5 years, a perfect little 16 month old boy, a great job, loving family...everything should be perfect, right? No, because there is a monster that lurks inside me. Basically, I like to get drunk when my family goes to sleep and stay up all night long, by myself, wrapped up deep with my other addiction-gambling.

To say I have a problem is an understatement. I have been going to rehabs and programs for the last 20 years. I hated what programs like AA tought me, because once you have the knowledge of what you are-it turns from fun and good times to a sense of wrong-doing. I once had 2 years of sobriety by working the steps and AA program, but threw it all away and have been drinking for the last 8 years.

I want to stop-so now what? Go back to AA, treatment, counseling, support group, or just work it out by myself? (I know how the latter will turn out). I also have a tendency to have severe panic attacks during times of sobriety. Thats why I believe I have been drinking for the last several years, because when I'm drunk they seem to go away.

Leaving my family alone scares me more than anything, so why would I want to stay on a path of slow, painful, alcoholic death? It seems insane, I feel insane, heck this entire story would probably sound insane to a normal person! Hopefully, some of you get it. Please wish me luck, I'll be checking in.

bbthumper

Welcome Wharf Rat (Im gonna assume you're a fellow deadhead with a name like that. Me too!)

Anyways, I can relate to treating anxiety with booze. I used to have panic attacks. Almost daily towards the end of my drinking. I have found sobriety through AA. For me and many others in the program, continued spiritual growth and continued work of the steps is essential for lasting sobriety. Sounds like AA has worked for you in the past. Maybe give it another shot.

Best wishes to you!

MIRecovery

Just wrote a post called my story yesterday. It may be worth a read as it relates to your situation

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-story.html

CanKicker

I've done the same. Let my girlfriend go to sleep and pound a couple to get a buzz so I can sleep. You think you're hiding it, but they know.

kiwi1971

Somewhat similar circumstances for me although a bit different, however I found sitting down with my partner and having a totally honest conversation about being an alcoholic and what it made me into was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

It made me realise much more about myself than I ever knew, or cared to think about, because I had confronted my demon. After doing this it gave me a chance to reflect back on all the stupid, idiot, dangerous and embarrassing things I had ever done in my life and what the root cause of them all were.

I am on day six and have found it really easy giving up so far because of being totally honest with the woman I love and knowing I have her full support.

Your family needs you and they need you to be strong. That doesn't mean you can't also be vulnerable as well, and thats where your best friend can help you.

I think if you put your trust in her and share what you have shared with us you may find it takes your life and your relationship to new heights.

Best of luck
Andrew

Dee74

welcome back wharfrat

the problem with treating anxiety with booze is...booze causes anxiety....then you have the original anxiety plus the booze related anxiety to contend with.

have you seen a Dr about the panic attacks at all?

D