Looking for "answers"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Looking for "answers"
Hi there,
I found your site after typing in "how do I cope with an alcoholic sister who is in denial and ruining her life"....
I have been going through all your advice and I am basically wanting to know how I can cope with the emotional trauma, the ongoing drama and continual stress.
My sister is married with 2 beautiful children (8 and 12) and with us having grown up in a messy drunken drama (dad), psychological trauma (mom) - I REALLY thought she would know better than to go down the same path. She is doing to her children what was done to us. I am tired of the "I cant remember any of it" excuses. Both her and her hubby drink - a lot. There is continuous drama and of course it has become abusive. Not only verbally - but physically as well. From both of them! They swear and hit eachother and then she runs to my mom or myself to pick up the pieces.
My mom's mother was an alcoholic, she had to deal with that growing up from the age of 5. Her mother died from Cirrhosis of the liver at 41 - so mom is seriously battling with all of this.
My sister is now having "blackouts" - we don't know if this is true or if it is just another excuse to avoid the reality of her life.
So - (sorry about the rant!!!!) I guess ALL my mom and I are looking for are ways of coping, of NOT getting caught up in the drama and having it DESTROY us - as my sister just carries on with the whole "Everything is fine and my life is wonderful" attitude after every episode. She DOES seem to listen to us when we talk to her - and she agrees and promises the world...but 5 minutes later she is back in the thick of things and the cycle just repeats itself. I completely get that SHE has to stop drinking and that SHE is the one who needs to KNOW and admit she has a problem. She does that - but for 10 seconds!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for a wonderful forum - you help and encouragement will go a long way.
God Bless
aSADsister
I found your site after typing in "how do I cope with an alcoholic sister who is in denial and ruining her life"....
I have been going through all your advice and I am basically wanting to know how I can cope with the emotional trauma, the ongoing drama and continual stress.
My sister is married with 2 beautiful children (8 and 12) and with us having grown up in a messy drunken drama (dad), psychological trauma (mom) - I REALLY thought she would know better than to go down the same path. She is doing to her children what was done to us. I am tired of the "I cant remember any of it" excuses. Both her and her hubby drink - a lot. There is continuous drama and of course it has become abusive. Not only verbally - but physically as well. From both of them! They swear and hit eachother and then she runs to my mom or myself to pick up the pieces.
My mom's mother was an alcoholic, she had to deal with that growing up from the age of 5. Her mother died from Cirrhosis of the liver at 41 - so mom is seriously battling with all of this.
My sister is now having "blackouts" - we don't know if this is true or if it is just another excuse to avoid the reality of her life.
So - (sorry about the rant!!!!) I guess ALL my mom and I are looking for are ways of coping, of NOT getting caught up in the drama and having it DESTROY us - as my sister just carries on with the whole "Everything is fine and my life is wonderful" attitude after every episode. She DOES seem to listen to us when we talk to her - and she agrees and promises the world...but 5 minutes later she is back in the thick of things and the cycle just repeats itself. I completely get that SHE has to stop drinking and that SHE is the one who needs to KNOW and admit she has a problem. She does that - but for 10 seconds!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for a wonderful forum - you help and encouragement will go a long way.
God Bless
aSADsister
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Queensland
Posts: 90
My heart goes out to you and your mum for seeing your sister in the throes of a horrible addiction.
I can tell you without a word of a lie that black outs do happen. A lot. If your sis drinks heavily then in all probability she has no recollection of her actions. This doesn't excuse her actions but I have never been an advocate for tough love. I believe your sister needs you now more than ever.
Have you tried an intervention? Would she agree to go to a therapist or AA meeting?
Sorry to say but if she is in denial about her problem then there isn't really much you can do to help her other than keep on her back about her addiction and keep suggesting avenues of help for her.
Good luck to you, your mum and especially your sister (I can resonate more with your sister given I am an alcoholic)
Hope this helps and take care
I can tell you without a word of a lie that black outs do happen. A lot. If your sis drinks heavily then in all probability she has no recollection of her actions. This doesn't excuse her actions but I have never been an advocate for tough love. I believe your sister needs you now more than ever.
Have you tried an intervention? Would she agree to go to a therapist or AA meeting?
Sorry to say but if she is in denial about her problem then there isn't really much you can do to help her other than keep on her back about her addiction and keep suggesting avenues of help for her.
Good luck to you, your mum and especially your sister (I can resonate more with your sister given I am an alcoholic)
Hope this helps and take care
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I wonder if you could ask your sister to let you take the children to an al-anon for kids meetings? They are surely bearing the brunt of all of this.
I am so sorry for your pain. I had almost an exact situation growing up. My sister began drinking as well, with two children of her own having to live with her borderline personality disorder and drinking. I tried to reach the children with some literature, and my sister just became indignant, and the kids were out of my reach from then on. They were protective of their momma, even tho they had voiced their unhappiness with her behavior. She eventually stopped her drinking, but the kids were forever scarred.
My sister did not admit any wrongdoing, or problem with alcohol.
If your sister listens to you, perhaps it would be good to tell her that if she does not care about herself, she might consider her children, before childrens protective services have to be involved?
This is taking away their childhood, and setting them up for future pain and dysfunction.
Perhaps you could give her the information on AA meetings nearby, and for al-anon meetings for the children.
I wish you and all the family safety and that your sister hits her bottom without taking the children with her-tho that is pretty much how it usually happens.
Maybe you can talk to the children? I would imagine they need someone to help them, desperately. it is very frightening to hear your parents fighting and hitting. children fear their parents dying, and leaving them alone. I feel so sorry for them-their lives must be awful, and they must feel so alone. I remember feeling that shame, and it continues to be a fight for me to feel "as good as", you know?
prayers for your family,
chicory
I am so sorry for your pain. I had almost an exact situation growing up. My sister began drinking as well, with two children of her own having to live with her borderline personality disorder and drinking. I tried to reach the children with some literature, and my sister just became indignant, and the kids were out of my reach from then on. They were protective of their momma, even tho they had voiced their unhappiness with her behavior. She eventually stopped her drinking, but the kids were forever scarred.
My sister did not admit any wrongdoing, or problem with alcohol.
If your sister listens to you, perhaps it would be good to tell her that if she does not care about herself, she might consider her children, before childrens protective services have to be involved?
This is taking away their childhood, and setting them up for future pain and dysfunction.
Perhaps you could give her the information on AA meetings nearby, and for al-anon meetings for the children.
I wish you and all the family safety and that your sister hits her bottom without taking the children with her-tho that is pretty much how it usually happens.
Maybe you can talk to the children? I would imagine they need someone to help them, desperately. it is very frightening to hear your parents fighting and hitting. children fear their parents dying, and leaving them alone. I feel so sorry for them-their lives must be awful, and they must feel so alone. I remember feeling that shame, and it continues to be a fight for me to feel "as good as", you know?
prayers for your family,
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for your advice...I also know what it is like growing up with that - and as a result decided NOT to have children JUST IN CASE I "messed them up"... I will continue to be "there" for her and the eldest daughter has reached out to me a little. So I think that her knowing I will help any time day or night reassures my nieces. Thank you again for the sound advice... I cannot begin to tell you how much of a burden you have helped to "hold".... Just knowing there are beautiful souls out there with words of wisdom will help my mom and I..
Blessings and love
Blessings and love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you for your quick reply - and THANK YOU for your advice and wisdom. It is such a relief knowing that I can "chat" to others in the world who have been in the situation/are going through the same type of thing. Sending you support from Sunny South Africa! God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome to SR 
Have you checked AlAnon? - it's a great support.
I hope you'll also check out our Family Friends forums here - lots of support down there as well:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
D
Have you checked AlAnon? - it's a great support.
I hope you'll also check out our Family Friends forums here - lots of support down there as well:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
D
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