happynomad

I don't know how to deal with my parents any more. My father can no longer drink due to pancreatitis from a weekend of heavy drinking, but my mother is still drinking (never sure how much) every night. They see themselves as being just fine. They've blown through 400k on gambling and alcohol in the past 6 years but try to say that they spent it on "us kids" visiting them. My mom is very aggressive when I say anything at all about drinking, so I tend to avoid it. Now she won't even come out to visit me because the last time she visited I apparently humiliated her by asking that she not drink in front of the kids and to please drink in the kitchen instead of over the brand new carpet. She gets on facebook drunk every night and wants to chat. She takes everything as an insult when she is drunk and then proceeds to post very mean things to get even. She always deletes it once she sobers up, but refuses to apologize for it. The last time she did this she asked if we could bury the hatchet and I said that would be fine if she apologized for being hurtful. She said no because she spoke from the heart! I have talked to my dad about it but he defends her every time and always goes into how she was such a wonderful mother and I need to be more appreciative. Guilt trip. In our last contact when she refused to apologize I quickly just ended the conversation. I want to just walk away at this point. I don't think there's anything I can do to show them that their behavior is out of control and that it's because of alcohol. They have a house and food and they function in society, but in other ways they are falling apart. Do functional alcoholics ever see that they are alcoholics?

Rosiepetal

I hope so but sometimes no & getting apologies is like getting blood from a stone, they're always right.
Sorry you've had to go through this.
Hugs. :ghug3

GingerM

And you're correct. If they want to turn a blind eye, that is their *choice*. YOUR choice is what you do with that information. You can go no-contact, you can go limited contact, you can stick with the status quo but emotionally detach from them.

When I first joined this board, I was in the same boat you're in. I eventually, for various family reasons, did my best to go with option #3. My family situation and yours are different. If there's no reason to stay in contact with them (I had to worry about my mom and what would happen to her if my dad died), then the next question is "why DO you continue to have contact?" You must be getting a need met somehow or you wouldn't still be in contact. Only you would know what need is being met.

A few do. I did. I've been sober for, um, somewhere over 17 years now. I saw the path I was heading down, saw where it led and decided I didn't want to go there. But apparently I'm a rare one.

My dad is in prison because of acts he did while under the influence. I'm not sure if he would have committed those acts had he not been under the influence, and there's no way to know. But he is sitting in prison now, with a release date of late 2021. He'll be nearly 82 when he's released. And despite the lack of availability of alcohol, his behavior has gotten MORE out of control, not less. I hold out no hope for him, and as things continue to deteriorate between him and me, I am leaning more and more to "letter only" contact or no contact at all. Even landing in prison has not been enough for him to hit bottom - I think he's a bottomless pit.

So yes, some can recover, like me. But I wanted to. I needed to. And I worked very very hard at it (with, I might add, no social support from anyone as all my friends were heading down the same path). My dad? I don't think he has a bottom.

happynomad

I never really thought about why I keep contact. They're my parents and I love them and want them to be in my life. Some days I just think walking away from the situation would be easier. Since my dad has had to quit drinking I was hoping things would change. My mom even said that because of his pancreatitis she would never drink again to support him. I think that lasted about 2 weeks (maybe) and she went right back to it. My dad is sober but he defends her actions by reminding me what a great mother she was and all the wonderful things she's done. I am making an effort to, at least emotionally, separate myself from them. No more allowing myself to get sucked into arguments that make me end up feeling crazy in the end. I find so much more peace in just ending the conversation.

VickiACA

Why is this question important to you - what will it change?

Give al-anon a try - not for them - for you.

Vicki

Kialua

So now your Dad is the enabler for your Mom's drinking. Things can change, but the odds are against it. What is important is how you take care of yourself emotionally. I know we all want parents in our life, but it has to be on our terms to protect ourself.

My Dad was a functional drunk all his life, and he didn't quit drinking till he was incarcerated at 80 years old.

My Mom had never apologized, nor my Dad, despite my well laid out proof over the years. I had to accept that and move on with my life. Here's a couple of my stories from the blog we have here:

This one talks about my parents view of reality
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-reality.html

This one talks about how I disconnected emotionally and how there was never an apology:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...onnecting.html