SoConfused410

Hello everyone! I'm totally new to drug addiction. I was introduced to my boyfriend through my cousin. They were incarcerated together. It was only supposed to be a pen pal kind of thing, but it turned into more. Our relationship has gone on for 2 years. At the end of September he was released on home detention to me. The first week was great! We talked all night long, he was so sweet. Well, the second week, his relative came to visit and slipped him a pill. It was the first time I've ever been in the presence of someone under the influence! I was really scared. He was slapping himself, scratching, and making strange noises. This went on all night. The next day I went to work. When I came home he also was coming in from his first visit to his case worker. He told his case worker he had used drugs so he was enrolled in a treatment program and counseling.

After 2 weeks he started attending classes. At first he seemed ok, but I was starting to get the feeling something wasn't right. Boy, was I correct! He started back using drugs again. He would leave his treatment program then go back to his old neighborhood and get drugs. He was only out for 5 weeks. He asked for permission to attend church with me, but that last Sunday morning he decided, well at least that's when he told me, that he wasn't going to church. I told him he couldn't leave then because he was only authorized to go to church. He waited until I left the house to sneak out. Home monitoring officers came to the church on a random check and were unable to pick up his signal. He got back home at the time he was approved to be home and soon after the officers came and took him back to prison.

He told me the only time he used drugs was when he came home on the last prison term and a close relative died. I've since learned he has been using drugs since he was a teenager. I caught him in other lies while he was incarcerated also. Well, he lied several times when he was at home with me too!

Of course now that he's back in he's talking all about NA meetings and how he wants to better himself, yada yada yada!!! Honestly, I don't know what to do, I want to believe in him, but I really don't think he has the courage and strength for recovery! Any advice?! Should I just walk away now? He should get out at the end of February.

sojourner

SoConfused: You asked for advice, and I would advise that you do what was in your last few sentences - walk away. While you are at it, walk away from that cousin of yours, too.

Whether you are able to walk away from this, only time will tell. You also need to take a look at yourself and why getting emotionally involved with an incarcerated person seemed to make sense - why that did not raise red flags at the getgo - why even start a penpal relationship with someone incarcerated to begin with.

Life is a journey. Your journey has led you to this situation for a reason. There are lessons here for you to learn - lessons about yourself - not about this other person. Keep coming back as you go through this - you will find people who have walked the path you are on. There is another poster here today whose husband just got out of prison - a story that might be similar to yours.

You are loved by your Higher Power who wants to lead you to freedom and joy. Keep coming back!!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......there is a lot of collective wisdom on this forum.

Should you walk away? That's your decision and I won't give you advice. But I think sojourner asked a VERY important question.........you don't need to answer it here.....but truly ask yourself WHY you would get romantically involved with someone who is incarcerated? Why would you think it would be different in February when he gets out?

If you elect to stay in this relationship....remember....it is a choice......you are not a victim if it turns out badly.......you're a volunteer.

My tag line reads "don't invite Crazy to the party and expect Sanity to show up"........think about who you are inviting into your life.

gentle hugs
ke

SoConfused410

You both are correct...I don't know how I got to this place. I do know from reading many posts here that I am codependent. I always want to fix someone. I've been doing research to try and understand myself, but I still have a lot to learn.

sojourner

As do we all !!!

hello-kitty

All I could think when I read your post was "Man, that's one heck of a pill". Are you kidding me? That's a HUGE red fag and whether you believe his stories about his history or not, it's kind of besides the point. Look at his behavior and actions. Are you sure this is the kind of person you want to live with and base your future on?

I say this because unfortunately I have personal experience in a similar situation. My ex was in and out of jail several times during our relationship. Every single time he went into jail he would swear up and down he was done with drugs and he was a changed man and all he wanted was to be a good father (that's right I ended up having his baby)! I would listen to his jailhouse promises, I would be convinced he needed me and I would provide him with a soft place to land when he got out, thinking I could help him get on his feet and we could be the family I had always dreamed about having.

Unfortunately it didn't work. (No duh, right.) I am not more powerful than drugs. By trying to help him, I was enabling his addiction and his loser lifestyle. He relapsed every single time he got out of jail. And each time it was worse and it turned my life into a living hell every single time. If only I had learned from my past experiences with him. If only I had been patient and firm with my boundaries and focused on what I wanted in my life. Because once he was firmly rooted in my house it was nearly impossible to get him out. When I finally made him leave for good it wasn't pleasant. I could have saved myself a lot of stress and uneccessary hardship if I hadn't let him live with me. My life would have been so much better if I had just said NO, you cannot stay with me when you get out of jail.

Now I have learned that when faced with emotional or difficult decisions, I need to focus on making WISE choices. I am often confused about what the right choice is, but I am NEVER confused about what the WISE choice is.

If I was in your shoes, I think the WISE choice would be to distance yourself from him, pursue your dreams separately from your relationship with him and definitely keep your living arrangements separate (at the very least). Even if you decide to continue the relationship, it certainly wouldn't be an UNWISE decision to wait and see how he acts when he gets out before you allow someone with that kind of history back in your house and into your life.

Good luck! Keep reading and posting. You'll learn lots here and maybe even figure out whats best for your future before he gets out of jail, and follow through on it.

SoConfused410

Thank you Hello-Kitty for sharing your story with me! I feel like such an idiot sometimes. Right now I'm trying to focus on my codepenency and just understanding it. I am learning to grasp the concept that I am only in control of myself, so just as my choices are mine so are his choices his!

helpme33

I married young and knew nothing about drugs. It was OK for the first few years and then got really, really bad.

No one can tell you what to do - but having a relationship with an abuser is not for the faint of heart.

I can tell you that I regret marrying him and it was very hard to get rid of him. They become very dependent on you. I was in counseling and was told that I was his 'life line' that he depended on me. To day they call it codependent. I was his enabler without realizing it.

Go to AlAnon meetings and even some recovery meetings, talk to abusers. Read these posts, and I think you will have your decision (hopefully it will be to run the other way).

Counseling is really a good idea!

MLH2282

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this situation. I can't tell you whether to stay or go, only you can make that decision. But, when interacting with him, I recommend focusing on his ACTIONS, not his words.

From my experience with my EXABF, nearly everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. His words fooled me, but his actions were indicative of the truth. He said he wanted to get clean, but he kept hanging out with his druggie friends, selling pills, using other drugs/drinking, etc. I wanted to believe his words, unfortunately, he was all talk and he relapsed.

Being in a relationship with an addict can be exhausting. I have found this board so helpful. There is a wealth of helpful information, but it also helps to know you aren't alone. Either way, I hope you continue to utilize SR as a resource.

~MLH

dollydo

He is an addict, he is just doing what addicts do, lie. It all boils down to whether you want to spend your life babysitting an addict or not. His disease has no cure, less than 10% recover for life, you will be on the rollercoaster ride from h#ll.

Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, this information will help you to make the right decision...for you.