GF in rehab, questions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
GF in rehab, questions
My girlfriend of almost 1 year went to a rehab clinic in another state quite far from where I live. She told me less than a month before leaving that she was an alcoholic, and that she would be leaving, and that she would probably move to another city when she came back.
Some details on our story. Our first few dates there wasn't any alcohol involved, but long long talks and the chemistry was great. After that we used to drink almost every week. It was a bit of a novelty to me because I didn't use to drink too much before meeting her, so I found it fun at first. It never ocurred to me she could have a drinking problem, a lot of my friends drink and since I don't go out a lot I thought her drinking was normal. I have a big issue with drunk driving, and she didn't have any problem about doing it, we had a few problems with that, and there were three times that she failed to be in time or that she would show up drunk already and we fought. These have been the only times we have fought.
Other than that I would say our relationship is pretty good. I had never felt so connected to anyone, I have asperger's syndrome and it's very hard to form relationships with people, but with her everything was so natural, we were perfect for each other even though our personalities are quite the opposite. I am really in love with her.
When she told me everything about her alcoholism I was shocked even though it explained a lot of things. I was very confused too, so I did some research. I was happy that she had realized all of those things and that she trust me enough to tell me, and completely support her in her recovery. She has been in the center for three weeks. She will be there for four more weeks.
Now, what I don't understand is why I can't talk to her while she is at that place. She told me she would call me as soon as she could, but she hasn't. This past week has been increasingly hard because I miss her so much, it even hurts physically. I've cried everyday for the last few days and I feel that I can't take it anymore. I just want to know how she is doing and tell her I love her that's all, last time I heard from her (right before going into the clinic) she was very scared. How is it like the first weeks in an inpatient clinic? What is the reason for restricting communication so much?
I know it will be difficult when she comes out, especially if she does move to another city. What can I do to help her? I've thought about going to Al-anon but I have my doubts, since we are both women and in my country people are very homophobic. And I feel like I would be surrounded by spouses that have been abused or something, and my story is not so tragic.
Any advice is welcome.
Some details on our story. Our first few dates there wasn't any alcohol involved, but long long talks and the chemistry was great. After that we used to drink almost every week. It was a bit of a novelty to me because I didn't use to drink too much before meeting her, so I found it fun at first. It never ocurred to me she could have a drinking problem, a lot of my friends drink and since I don't go out a lot I thought her drinking was normal. I have a big issue with drunk driving, and she didn't have any problem about doing it, we had a few problems with that, and there were three times that she failed to be in time or that she would show up drunk already and we fought. These have been the only times we have fought.
Other than that I would say our relationship is pretty good. I had never felt so connected to anyone, I have asperger's syndrome and it's very hard to form relationships with people, but with her everything was so natural, we were perfect for each other even though our personalities are quite the opposite. I am really in love with her.
When she told me everything about her alcoholism I was shocked even though it explained a lot of things. I was very confused too, so I did some research. I was happy that she had realized all of those things and that she trust me enough to tell me, and completely support her in her recovery. She has been in the center for three weeks. She will be there for four more weeks.
Now, what I don't understand is why I can't talk to her while she is at that place. She told me she would call me as soon as she could, but she hasn't. This past week has been increasingly hard because I miss her so much, it even hurts physically. I've cried everyday for the last few days and I feel that I can't take it anymore. I just want to know how she is doing and tell her I love her that's all, last time I heard from her (right before going into the clinic) she was very scared. How is it like the first weeks in an inpatient clinic? What is the reason for restricting communication so much?
I know it will be difficult when she comes out, especially if she does move to another city. What can I do to help her? I've thought about going to Al-anon but I have my doubts, since we are both women and in my country people are very homophobic. And I feel like I would be surrounded by spouses that have been abused or something, and my story is not so tragic.
Any advice is welcome.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Hey! I feel your pain. Your situation is almost like a mirrored image of my problems. First I can tell you this. Don't sweat the not calling part. I can assure you that she's thinking about you. My alcoholic didn't call because the phone was in the center of a lobby so people could hear the conversation. That could be the problem with yours as well. When you do get that phone call, and you will don't push any topics with her and just let the conversation flow tell her a few funny stories that has happened to you in your life to brighten up her day.
Are you able to send mail? I have sent mine mail and she loves it it's a little bit more personal and honestly, its fun to receive mail.
I thought about attending an AA meeting but I'm not a fan of AA and heres why. They tend to meet people in there that are in the same boat. Some are more serious than others. When they exchange numbers theres too much that could go wrong one alcoholic could take the other down with them. But this is just from my experience.
Just do your best to push on and be sure to take care of yourself you need to be strong and dont put your life on hold. Your girlfriend will need someone strong in her life when she gets out.
Are you able to send mail? I have sent mine mail and she loves it it's a little bit more personal and honestly, its fun to receive mail.
I thought about attending an AA meeting but I'm not a fan of AA and heres why. They tend to meet people in there that are in the same boat. Some are more serious than others. When they exchange numbers theres too much that could go wrong one alcoholic could take the other down with them. But this is just from my experience.
Just do your best to push on and be sure to take care of yourself you need to be strong and dont put your life on hold. Your girlfriend will need someone strong in her life when she gets out.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I encourage you to reach out for support for yourself during this time. Reading and posting here at SR as often as needed has really been helpful to me.
I recently moved and am attending a new (to me) Al Anon group. After 3 meetings, I still don't know why most of the members attend. I mean that I don't know what their qualifier is for attending. I don't know if it is a spouse, parent, child, friend or lover. In meetings, we don't focus on the alcoholic. We focus on ourselves. We focus on becoming healthier people ~ no matter what our loved ones may choose.
I'm sorry the silence and separation are so painful. I understand the agony of wondering about my loved one and not having information.
Try and take comfort in knowing that she is getting professional care and her needs are being met by trained care givers. She is getting the help she needs.
Can you do something to help yourself during this time? Taking care of yourself is important. Your life matters!
I encourage you to reach out for support for yourself during this time. Reading and posting here at SR as often as needed has really been helpful to me.
I recently moved and am attending a new (to me) Al Anon group. After 3 meetings, I still don't know why most of the members attend. I mean that I don't know what their qualifier is for attending. I don't know if it is a spouse, parent, child, friend or lover. In meetings, we don't focus on the alcoholic. We focus on ourselves. We focus on becoming healthier people ~ no matter what our loved ones may choose.
I'm sorry the silence and separation are so painful. I understand the agony of wondering about my loved one and not having information.
Try and take comfort in knowing that she is getting professional care and her needs are being met by trained care givers. She is getting the help she needs.
Can you do something to help yourself during this time? Taking care of yourself is important. Your life matters!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Clarara...
Hang in there and try to focus on you while she is away - I mean self improvement. Nhit the gym, read some good books, try to relax.
My wife began her recovery almost one year ago. It is NOT easy!
A few things that might help you...
1. Everyone here will agree that someone deciding to get help and following through is a HUGE positive sign. Only the alcoholic can decide when to get well and usually they decide when the pain their drinking is causing finally exceeds the pains they drank to drown out.
2. It feels crappy (scientific term) but in early recovery an alcoholic is dealing with things without their 'shield' for the first time in a long time. I hear it's not so fun. Also, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety and holycrapIneedADrink thoughts are tiring
3. Al-anon doesn't care who your 'qualifier' is so even in a homophobic country nobody needs to know. 'my spouse' is enough and sharing is optional. The others there will likely not care even if they knew. You love someone who has a disease we all hate.
Do some reading here and on the recovery board, read the stickies and don't get discouraged. The majority here are less fortunate than we are - your girlfriend took a step on her own and it sounds like you guys have a strong and happy relationship. I was scared to death a year ago but things are going well. Also, my gf (now wife) got pregnant two months into recovery, yours probably won't ;-)
Welcome and relax... You are with friends
Hang in there and try to focus on you while she is away - I mean self improvement. Nhit the gym, read some good books, try to relax.
My wife began her recovery almost one year ago. It is NOT easy!
A few things that might help you...
1. Everyone here will agree that someone deciding to get help and following through is a HUGE positive sign. Only the alcoholic can decide when to get well and usually they decide when the pain their drinking is causing finally exceeds the pains they drank to drown out.
2. It feels crappy (scientific term) but in early recovery an alcoholic is dealing with things without their 'shield' for the first time in a long time. I hear it's not so fun. Also, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety and holycrapIneedADrink thoughts are tiring
3. Al-anon doesn't care who your 'qualifier' is so even in a homophobic country nobody needs to know. 'my spouse' is enough and sharing is optional. The others there will likely not care even if they knew. You love someone who has a disease we all hate.
Do some reading here and on the recovery board, read the stickies and don't get discouraged. The majority here are less fortunate than we are - your girlfriend took a step on her own and it sounds like you guys have a strong and happy relationship. I was scared to death a year ago but things are going well. Also, my gf (now wife) got pregnant two months into recovery, yours probably won't ;-)
Welcome and relax... You are with friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
Over one month and still haven't heard from her. Just from her mom once, she was able to talk to her only for 10 minutes a week. I sent her a letter but I doubt she'll get it since the address she gave me was incomplete.
Could anyone explain me the reason for this no-contact rule? I understand she needs to focus completely on her recovery right now, but what's so distracting about a short phone call? I don't understand.
Could anyone explain me the reason for this no-contact rule? I understand she needs to focus completely on her recovery right now, but what's so distracting about a short phone call? I don't understand.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sometimes, when they become sober, they just move on, they realize that the relationship is not what they want. Being sober puts a whole new slant on life.
Work on you, sit back, see what happens, you can't stick a square peg in a round hole.
Have you read the stickeys and cynical one's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
I am sorry, I know that you are in pain, however, you cannot change her reasons for not wanting to talk to you, her choices, her life.
Work on you, sit back, see what happens, you can't stick a square peg in a round hole.
Have you read the stickeys and cynical one's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
I am sorry, I know that you are in pain, however, you cannot change her reasons for not wanting to talk to you, her choices, her life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
My AB is currently out of state in rehab as well. Contact is limited to Sat/Sun...and then very limited. The phone is in an open area, and is monitored. The point, I believe, is to keep them focused on them. Just as we should be focusing on us...not them. Many of us are caught up in the A/enabler or A/codependent relationships. So in rehab they limit those contacts. Don't take it personally. Just know that she is working on her sobriety, and a better life. The fact that she recognized the problem and sought help is huge. You have to go and give it over to your HP.
I would also say that AlAnon never asks who the A is in your life. The person is referred to as your "qualifier". So no one knows the relationship specifics unless you volunteer it. Your girlfriend is doing her work, I would encourage you to find an Al Anon group and focus on you.
I would also say that AlAnon never asks who the A is in your life. The person is referred to as your "qualifier". So no one knows the relationship specifics unless you volunteer it. Your girlfriend is doing her work, I would encourage you to find an Al Anon group and focus on you.
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